tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36763995627217379282024-03-04T21:38:49.961-08:00getting the bucks outDOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.comBlogger568125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-69268592784103491862023-08-22T09:49:00.000-07:002023-08-22T09:49:38.191-07:00Happy Birthday husband<p> You turn 49 today.</p><p>You have been in my life for 23 years.</p><p>I am so glad you were born.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTSwkTfETOFu1vnmnw_A7e-b9fQI2IX2T7ar4CVS6SxFNBxRX0Eeq4rDTpZIqsVqmOJh0aTzu0ATI-NeCGD7wzqI1t0vgIUzzn-6j9T74dI1YoHL54VDXSwkRDQ7oKksZ67g0thF7TOmU2uPOs4rc__EUMRBrRzFDOrn8KfV5FDWgxugUYGdHJlgFZAlU/s2592/IMG_20200401_100141.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="1944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTSwkTfETOFu1vnmnw_A7e-b9fQI2IX2T7ar4CVS6SxFNBxRX0Eeq4rDTpZIqsVqmOJh0aTzu0ATI-NeCGD7wzqI1t0vgIUzzn-6j9T74dI1YoHL54VDXSwkRDQ7oKksZ67g0thF7TOmU2uPOs4rc__EUMRBrRzFDOrn8KfV5FDWgxugUYGdHJlgFZAlU/s320/IMG_20200401_100141.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I got to see you become a father. I got to parent with you.</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoMORtHhJHQc10rn6y7QEJbb35LUG4h2riD3CH1smeO5m5LrzsT0gxhbKx2ttGlOgxfZ8TVx_ORXoZAmbK9nIK1ZetB_aVe_rbX8ZkFmJ6vlIKfYNc_oHFWheVnFAYnYBbzYQZJEUeUIyAlYn8e-pXYNBw45uK-_c8yELenWOk62a2w0aAUtEw66GNRhA/s1600/IMG_20200403_151439.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoMORtHhJHQc10rn6y7QEJbb35LUG4h2riD3CH1smeO5m5LrzsT0gxhbKx2ttGlOgxfZ8TVx_ORXoZAmbK9nIK1ZetB_aVe_rbX8ZkFmJ6vlIKfYNc_oHFWheVnFAYnYBbzYQZJEUeUIyAlYn8e-pXYNBw45uK-_c8yELenWOk62a2w0aAUtEw66GNRhA/s320/IMG_20200403_151439.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>Best of all I got to be loved by you. Your gentle calmness tamed my wildness.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGzJaKIdlvFexYd_iVW-UGzIEmfEV-l2QDzBxlbSxyr1QPkjP-JJsYMCViEn9_Sbvsb0AH33lByhm8gEda1IykB-d4Twdkq2sGt5MuBX0odbEFLrsgD8CtVq3spLiPLBX3pCR-YG_AHZ12PGuCSJfEkEWiGwW6cvXigdzlwseezrpoJEpzArSxjIt-mLQ/s2592/IMG_20200822_161544.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="1944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGzJaKIdlvFexYd_iVW-UGzIEmfEV-l2QDzBxlbSxyr1QPkjP-JJsYMCViEn9_Sbvsb0AH33lByhm8gEda1IykB-d4Twdkq2sGt5MuBX0odbEFLrsgD8CtVq3spLiPLBX3pCR-YG_AHZ12PGuCSJfEkEWiGwW6cvXigdzlwseezrpoJEpzArSxjIt-mLQ/s320/IMG_20200822_161544.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLse-5JxGGYins6b8jdwegsQgAgfc7B6z9OJ_LNekpJRGXkmBgtzz2-uZbwa3yA0pUOkh94OPI4-91QZPA5U13Ndj0FV52UIKQpaK8ClZm8GA3dliJvg-T1l4mx1X19xsrUf2hSSBjhVsXRHZqk0Oug5OBlqBy8JIX41Nb6K2RsFCz5JyhMXYKA8RQOkU/s2592/IMG_20200822_171315.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="1944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLse-5JxGGYins6b8jdwegsQgAgfc7B6z9OJ_LNekpJRGXkmBgtzz2-uZbwa3yA0pUOkh94OPI4-91QZPA5U13Ndj0FV52UIKQpaK8ClZm8GA3dliJvg-T1l4mx1X19xsrUf2hSSBjhVsXRHZqk0Oug5OBlqBy8JIX41Nb6K2RsFCz5JyhMXYKA8RQOkU/s320/IMG_20200822_171315.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzD50odR30pofz2g8xXjciXShJJEe90mBW2zVGhoIV6VUm_g6RSuWP_vvz15wAX3BxsAI0ql_FON7EBDpRTKw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Zj6lI2q0mBQiabUj69pUQvgm6dSAfjuT4RWuBe9x3rIearIqd2kTHMWMucxwfmQmWDu9xudCjkleh1xFcqy4ralu31ReXqDWeHSmY64fr_sxobNKNxNY_rZx5BIERlsMgQ-fWbkM81vXPgGt8q2MeVm6H3nlhGjCB5yF-b7wZ-SDOpzpob8J-aRsp6k/s2592/IMG_20201021_181829.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="1944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Zj6lI2q0mBQiabUj69pUQvgm6dSAfjuT4RWuBe9x3rIearIqd2kTHMWMucxwfmQmWDu9xudCjkleh1xFcqy4ralu31ReXqDWeHSmY64fr_sxobNKNxNY_rZx5BIERlsMgQ-fWbkM81vXPgGt8q2MeVm6H3nlhGjCB5yF-b7wZ-SDOpzpob8J-aRsp6k/s320/IMG_20201021_181829.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3MXSkYhQnaBWW6Uc5GaS5HvArdjeLfw2NzpvItrQ7_qJMr6q4C03pv0yIWPwmngc4-Gv5mfyLd5zlKD4FGtBMFmiPdCQb1G-Y1rT_hVaDiC9QiwwFP1Ko-od2iDgIi6AxWqQvGR8QibuAcq7hOHYYOyNHJFwxpCEOe-tsB72297oY-KwoRWVBpAa2Xio/s2592/IMG_20191214_200426.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="1944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3MXSkYhQnaBWW6Uc5GaS5HvArdjeLfw2NzpvItrQ7_qJMr6q4C03pv0yIWPwmngc4-Gv5mfyLd5zlKD4FGtBMFmiPdCQb1G-Y1rT_hVaDiC9QiwwFP1Ko-od2iDgIi6AxWqQvGR8QibuAcq7hOHYYOyNHJFwxpCEOe-tsB72297oY-KwoRWVBpAa2Xio/s320/IMG_20191214_200426.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2lBlTLMgLBqUvoI4__50tfgA2RAVEd99jvXonD5GWQyEiQ0FLItsvheOIuQeRr7mnzpT6sLNecwK5sbaEhAwk3veTcyWGzkvl0mAgoKKba3znpFaKaZgVC7Rz280IQkSffOj12XLBpSbQQmYGqxObwdHDFVS6i2_Njv3-HYKfqTdYkuHmDMx2sEaDtF4/s551/dddd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="551" data-original-width="545" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2lBlTLMgLBqUvoI4__50tfgA2RAVEd99jvXonD5GWQyEiQ0FLItsvheOIuQeRr7mnzpT6sLNecwK5sbaEhAwk3veTcyWGzkvl0mAgoKKba3znpFaKaZgVC7Rz280IQkSffOj12XLBpSbQQmYGqxObwdHDFVS6i2_Njv3-HYKfqTdYkuHmDMx2sEaDtF4/s320/dddd.jpg" width="317" /></a></div>Oh the adventures you have had in this life.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihRyvqhYnAsrzs6y3ZfV5T-m74fJN2wamY5LqY_baGBr8opb43233boBFdJ5EbT7sNIpcqgC-evYUJxhbST3E8JTXX_k-AmCZ82lqmVMgc1FQF6jOksJZjwv7glIIjec1DW9tKuMmdLHYuBy_6V9lzeQVLbPyveWWt_YDK8zVoiVP49yXLe1zX3Y6cAPE/s1600/IMG_20200324_170154.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihRyvqhYnAsrzs6y3ZfV5T-m74fJN2wamY5LqY_baGBr8opb43233boBFdJ5EbT7sNIpcqgC-evYUJxhbST3E8JTXX_k-AmCZ82lqmVMgc1FQF6jOksJZjwv7glIIjec1DW9tKuMmdLHYuBy_6V9lzeQVLbPyveWWt_YDK8zVoiVP49yXLe1zX3Y6cAPE/s320/IMG_20200324_170154.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-75qrK5LfmmeCDfu4soLjST2WHThhyUNaB57go8S6XCTS_ZgntEh59sGtY4ZnFWklVYyup9gftPxQIU-zlxyX421RLvi3B-PZXXk8skH8KFeB6fVyf7XiDy_lsd7RCDFX1XnCP6kKP3OuwuyZT7hvAq63pRch9FwbpDMA_fU5iIK67qEQlW0ky4maJNY/s1600/IMG_20200214_095504.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-75qrK5LfmmeCDfu4soLjST2WHThhyUNaB57go8S6XCTS_ZgntEh59sGtY4ZnFWklVYyup9gftPxQIU-zlxyX421RLvi3B-PZXXk8skH8KFeB6fVyf7XiDy_lsd7RCDFX1XnCP6kKP3OuwuyZT7hvAq63pRch9FwbpDMA_fU5iIK67qEQlW0ky4maJNY/s320/IMG_20200214_095504.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>And I got to come along. Bet other women would be jealous if they knew that <b><u>every time</u></b> I washed dishes, you come running and "pay" me with a back rub and dishes-kisses.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_z9o6UJ5AXYCI68-Lq87sXwI4oJ3-E0_iwbdXU8y0rQvBeat-4VazzQwZ5J7edlJMd7B_aHj9ZTgo8qhpfZH13zBL1YFbQvnJ7HzHly10U4Ic_D35IWcMDaUO5oZz7RBHm82_h-E0kWGGTAn3rEzo1aZTyXgTAAYKAyGZTZWGZTgHVYuFtuIVnE8gwE/s2592/IMG_20200214_095337.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="1944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_z9o6UJ5AXYCI68-Lq87sXwI4oJ3-E0_iwbdXU8y0rQvBeat-4VazzQwZ5J7edlJMd7B_aHj9ZTgo8qhpfZH13zBL1YFbQvnJ7HzHly10U4Ic_D35IWcMDaUO5oZz7RBHm82_h-E0kWGGTAn3rEzo1aZTyXgTAAYKAyGZTZWGZTgHVYuFtuIVnE8gwE/s320/IMG_20200214_095337.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1232" data-original-width="1632" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFwkFC8t092ud3uFUvB0x-qlr01kGeYnxNhF2lGd9SYnYTEE1YF4RItT2HSuSVX9n5vHe8QFHnn7_KP2aFUOOzxLM0QszzoiE7Z-ILjw0ixew98e8FbX4rbOpJLNZoaRi3ht_TJuRd3xqDDwwfldjlmyHY9y7tTRE-273IN3boAktBbVKe0G59xdMIU5I/s320/100_7101.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1KN8hWKL2l7asEBIhMNtqyRDXgjJmv8EAqaIR5hnFm7zE4NEuhmcx7lEsomtPXkZRqQMCCBnPrSa3T59HrisdcKr4THhmmt7POQfY7hRlfm_hkxbw60QmKWOQfR8zkXY71eI6j37WFRfze5Z_e0W0py5rubvKipOlIxt9f4Y_ontYpPaI4nC0mtS85E8/s1632/100_6924.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1232" data-original-width="1632" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1KN8hWKL2l7asEBIhMNtqyRDXgjJmv8EAqaIR5hnFm7zE4NEuhmcx7lEsomtPXkZRqQMCCBnPrSa3T59HrisdcKr4THhmmt7POQfY7hRlfm_hkxbw60QmKWOQfR8zkXY71eI6j37WFRfze5Z_e0W0py5rubvKipOlIxt9f4Y_ontYpPaI4nC0mtS85E8/s320/100_6924.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix8L5nyaYGy8k55mmKxuBezhu5fKO1OuySg--Wdhcu2maKfB7f_wlUZ5MABQDaS3VW5hQkXZKVdfegiXfWs1tQnF-pXFNo48LLaFDA2Ojvwv21WC7MO6vOEM-PA0t2o20IyFS4y9utQtMFWWv2b0g4Xb0tB7L4gJtH-erxDt9r-ok2kp5UbOhGzxv0_gY/s1632/100_6912.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1232" data-original-width="1632" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix8L5nyaYGy8k55mmKxuBezhu5fKO1OuySg--Wdhcu2maKfB7f_wlUZ5MABQDaS3VW5hQkXZKVdfegiXfWs1tQnF-pXFNo48LLaFDA2Ojvwv21WC7MO6vOEM-PA0t2o20IyFS4y9utQtMFWWv2b0g4Xb0tB7L4gJtH-erxDt9r-ok2kp5UbOhGzxv0_gY/s320/100_6912.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKBQlk59nGr-Tj_hinCC4n_m8DIF0yiLdQ0-bsCvG8H5HfXZ-7IU5mDL2IjcYQ9CxqpGBkLdst9rh-SmmEhfl4zQ0DxtrexjZf8J_KawcW7gHxe_tanlAWTn48_Aa2Ex23jdFgUg9CF4usC-NhDLZVYVHWDaMQC270Xcfz3lpE9KkeiDPUIsM17-TrdTk/s1600/IMG_20190830_120738.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKBQlk59nGr-Tj_hinCC4n_m8DIF0yiLdQ0-bsCvG8H5HfXZ-7IU5mDL2IjcYQ9CxqpGBkLdst9rh-SmmEhfl4zQ0DxtrexjZf8J_KawcW7gHxe_tanlAWTn48_Aa2Ex23jdFgUg9CF4usC-NhDLZVYVHWDaMQC270Xcfz3lpE9KkeiDPUIsM17-TrdTk/s320/IMG_20190830_120738.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDDwWKFaBxIf-jrY9O7JdQEqUmPQ81C89FXFIi40c6fgh7NsJLaA0aORAFEN1dqBTSB4w5wB29bTkYlanIS0iz-VhbeDblXqtpwetgkHvF0A_bgZfSaxMDG-0VJEIhTR2yIx0Yp-4EFmtioq6fuBgq8HH3zc-800OFqcJlYOf3x4ST0rJ2w_EGvQ8ilaY/s1632/100_9843.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1232" data-original-width="1632" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDDwWKFaBxIf-jrY9O7JdQEqUmPQ81C89FXFIi40c6fgh7NsJLaA0aORAFEN1dqBTSB4w5wB29bTkYlanIS0iz-VhbeDblXqtpwetgkHvF0A_bgZfSaxMDG-0VJEIhTR2yIx0Yp-4EFmtioq6fuBgq8HH3zc-800OFqcJlYOf3x4ST0rJ2w_EGvQ8ilaY/s320/100_9843.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Took me 15 years but I finally defeated you in a game of chess. Guess lessons from a Fide Master pay off.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3mu4-tOVF2EAewn_DUW-mM2BqSmfTQ8waGgb-yDFI4HAKJX1qxsFyRN2MZSDhDroOTs_9_T1cl6J6omz3VzA5gnUd-mziqDTVfqbmADKcd-yA-KSRkF54lBkRTlVTeEgb2Qpwsla0RhvjZA0O86wXVAQMG9zMRXyej5FyxTvzB_RNuhiGezOj6Dnf8vg/s4608/DSC04954.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3mu4-tOVF2EAewn_DUW-mM2BqSmfTQ8waGgb-yDFI4HAKJX1qxsFyRN2MZSDhDroOTs_9_T1cl6J6omz3VzA5gnUd-mziqDTVfqbmADKcd-yA-KSRkF54lBkRTlVTeEgb2Qpwsla0RhvjZA0O86wXVAQMG9zMRXyej5FyxTvzB_RNuhiGezOj6Dnf8vg/s320/DSC04954.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>You introduced me to bowling.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTmMizTCC6iE0WZakvv5wbXTlIwRGrxVD4kMyrWc0NXx9SENNmkKg9tZkQtPKIUH-wTbbskNxD1E8zfDddMtQNx6-EIpj8v6ewdojnSRYZCVoMWKdv927GAsDlIpuoN8mIHnhtvuCi5srq9OEJGRtJzcBmwTV0-ooiwEQ8sh7jRucHOdKgEiGaBiaIOf0/s4608/DSC04888.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTmMizTCC6iE0WZakvv5wbXTlIwRGrxVD4kMyrWc0NXx9SENNmkKg9tZkQtPKIUH-wTbbskNxD1E8zfDddMtQNx6-EIpj8v6ewdojnSRYZCVoMWKdv927GAsDlIpuoN8mIHnhtvuCi5srq9OEJGRtJzcBmwTV0-ooiwEQ8sh7jRucHOdKgEiGaBiaIOf0/s320/DSC04888.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwQi6vjQ3RM79fT5hx0u_EFJaIwXBcPV2QE1UnolnzEgqo-9RXaYEo-Lk2uLEFfxj9jQRMPkk1xukkfB6x2vhWeps8JOYrbd9WxY7cGQdCz6tStOXii8H15R3SAk-bTy15eQh8fLXVfz8lZmoesJ3JzNPM1XEZ3fxnso-aWLQIt9R_FdJaDROVNlybKCY/s4608/DSC04885.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwQi6vjQ3RM79fT5hx0u_EFJaIwXBcPV2QE1UnolnzEgqo-9RXaYEo-Lk2uLEFfxj9jQRMPkk1xukkfB6x2vhWeps8JOYrbd9WxY7cGQdCz6tStOXii8H15R3SAk-bTy15eQh8fLXVfz8lZmoesJ3JzNPM1XEZ3fxnso-aWLQIt9R_FdJaDROVNlybKCY/s320/DSC04885.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>and to motherhood.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfaARLxWbpV4pSWYsbClR_ENdrLgGrLnTD8FDcpeAgDLG1H9QSsPkVREDhV7axop2yXb6R2k40-Sfgki0SURFfJ883u2h9XNcEmCP4vpYYoKb12HoaF4jaBDIT2ndmnrOAudaryKZlxRlmnTBRC2LL5jsQ-iPJnNwNQmuKgAJRKlP_DiBpz20SwLYI5wA/s4608/DSC04648.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfaARLxWbpV4pSWYsbClR_ENdrLgGrLnTD8FDcpeAgDLG1H9QSsPkVREDhV7axop2yXb6R2k40-Sfgki0SURFfJ883u2h9XNcEmCP4vpYYoKb12HoaF4jaBDIT2ndmnrOAudaryKZlxRlmnTBRC2LL5jsQ-iPJnNwNQmuKgAJRKlP_DiBpz20SwLYI5wA/s320/DSC04648.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiCvVUPjXbTX4eUXCX6Ayl8_4s6J0nyNX2LBXEoCmi22p6WvFwNUr6I3aKlxW1MJ704iKFQBTV-yWHXRbcHbKozXD834G4kmnhfCVET1bmWpstwxmXDr5mlKy-juZWZdB7_ld7QM8Ag7H78i9BciftscTNTsjLkbpXuO7QFGFiP_jY0u5mJrWSmRiw_OY/s4608/DSC04638.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiCvVUPjXbTX4eUXCX6Ayl8_4s6J0nyNX2LBXEoCmi22p6WvFwNUr6I3aKlxW1MJ704iKFQBTV-yWHXRbcHbKozXD834G4kmnhfCVET1bmWpstwxmXDr5mlKy-juZWZdB7_ld7QM8Ag7H78i9BciftscTNTsjLkbpXuO7QFGFiP_jY0u5mJrWSmRiw_OY/s320/DSC04638.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgBEFMJy2CMneQmhuIh-hSteXeGnc2kBZa0v3NTcqeke4S9gi0l7SFAsX26aBfNX_T39qZv-xp_E65lTtcyDQZPu48inBKTwriSOjGHh_nc7tjqIVYnS9A0lEd2GRONK0wbaF-pQ11RyiQnsy-KZxrlBvYRQIOhPfnXZr7oJVY9QLfEzFv2Us5SLCxxu4/s4608/DSC04628.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgBEFMJy2CMneQmhuIh-hSteXeGnc2kBZa0v3NTcqeke4S9gi0l7SFAsX26aBfNX_T39qZv-xp_E65lTtcyDQZPu48inBKTwriSOjGHh_nc7tjqIVYnS9A0lEd2GRONK0wbaF-pQ11RyiQnsy-KZxrlBvYRQIOhPfnXZr7oJVY9QLfEzFv2Us5SLCxxu4/s320/DSC04628.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>added Sunday night dinner into my life.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji7yrh-1-2B47YeqBVVlqigYTejx4rS2sm7bet-F6u5jeQ_O_jIXi0-uQ7rfmS1eRiXEY1NIcpdElyIjT75B2aCLNN6689TeU_ttcmEgz9HbPK3TtxjAxJCz2ClYcqmAFmFdP1i0jandCnuSWW5hQqmMVB_DUsU5xQ8HKI76RTcoHQpOs_dWt2zjAATxU/s4608/DSC04625.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji7yrh-1-2B47YeqBVVlqigYTejx4rS2sm7bet-F6u5jeQ_O_jIXi0-uQ7rfmS1eRiXEY1NIcpdElyIjT75B2aCLNN6689TeU_ttcmEgz9HbPK3TtxjAxJCz2ClYcqmAFmFdP1i0jandCnuSWW5hQqmMVB_DUsU5xQ8HKI76RTcoHQpOs_dWt2zjAATxU/s320/DSC04625.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgUAR68-21oJS6haDc92BDf6VoTj0RTsvMLHNbRHILXy3rvDWb5Y9JO3WoYtrR4DFSaPKtrY2ZYg3OrVaeBitcNV4MBZlAsf7mAxUSPVoERIDr5omzbM9ySxWsKrMNPvx-UW2KscLSri3UkLRL79RT4pnwEHC0w5THsclPnoLkO3pPKZfPGjhpR8ZgdlU/s4608/DSC04614.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgUAR68-21oJS6haDc92BDf6VoTj0RTsvMLHNbRHILXy3rvDWb5Y9JO3WoYtrR4DFSaPKtrY2ZYg3OrVaeBitcNV4MBZlAsf7mAxUSPVoERIDr5omzbM9ySxWsKrMNPvx-UW2KscLSri3UkLRL79RT4pnwEHC0w5THsclPnoLkO3pPKZfPGjhpR8ZgdlU/s320/DSC04614.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim45_Mc7wMio2EEDyG312wPcapOIA1rF-22XNwVIemleXJb7V93L_Alts22CL2or4MSiDQUN21gAaQo796CPqIVF5cmclLK5yiPMI5qqAxyCD1IBY7xxm_g-Ke7vtC1TXS_ZHh8huAuVG4hawQCW0V2s3PvtDmgWOyx7V3WusULLq52M7ZQtgE5uuKJ50/s4608/DSC04613.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim45_Mc7wMio2EEDyG312wPcapOIA1rF-22XNwVIemleXJb7V93L_Alts22CL2or4MSiDQUN21gAaQo796CPqIVF5cmclLK5yiPMI5qqAxyCD1IBY7xxm_g-Ke7vtC1TXS_ZHh8huAuVG4hawQCW0V2s3PvtDmgWOyx7V3WusULLq52M7ZQtgE5uuKJ50/s320/DSC04613.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcnejLakQIo2rblmi7_iyhCWeSpmNua613DOoPulG1W3Ip0z9fNATgGUakmnxK2PnAxZJSi9zO_NfWwBn6DuqEjzi_C5K7qw54VdZvoH3TPdHAQS8peB09c6fzIqM77UVLXfwUdz3spvHpDSnUOjSns8kZlUl5dPoY_jJWec7yq7OmqBzFtEGLxs2AUaY/s4608/DSC04609.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcnejLakQIo2rblmi7_iyhCWeSpmNua613DOoPulG1W3Ip0z9fNATgGUakmnxK2PnAxZJSi9zO_NfWwBn6DuqEjzi_C5K7qw54VdZvoH3TPdHAQS8peB09c6fzIqM77UVLXfwUdz3spvHpDSnUOjSns8kZlUl5dPoY_jJWec7yq7OmqBzFtEGLxs2AUaY/s320/DSC04609.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>Lady Liberty, Oregon state champ!<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt7pLsGY7gbpK5ovi57nAKe62SWVflB1KPkxnpHCYC-PoKvEcKIclWwAqHp4s0okQVMiYpJRBrYf1b7oMbG2XVvnuGHx9L4n51gCDMYk7ZZfayub4_X6a6vG_sY2w-E-tP97wvjb_7NErC-9VdjgpgOJJLxMzm2jR8ehynPmAOo2QV5srnBB4X5bZTKrI/s4608/DSC04608.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt7pLsGY7gbpK5ovi57nAKe62SWVflB1KPkxnpHCYC-PoKvEcKIclWwAqHp4s0okQVMiYpJRBrYf1b7oMbG2XVvnuGHx9L4n51gCDMYk7ZZfayub4_X6a6vG_sY2w-E-tP97wvjb_7NErC-9VdjgpgOJJLxMzm2jR8ehynPmAOo2QV5srnBB4X5bZTKrI/s320/DSC04608.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhenf9UlNbA1RwzrklYKuWvlL8kXClxb1mQ1qZgqCOaFYhNZJw48FaA-F-50giOLyQdeK7KYfOqdWUg-HpCYNdJFFYZBVLuCCCQorNuIkE36hqUlE0aRKQ6_zDc26MZuUnAJfbZzwLoxA9chLUZJ9UmcgFWNP4s9Gbks30rt-8abz0Q420XsTSvcXQ3HcA/s4608/DSC04587.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhenf9UlNbA1RwzrklYKuWvlL8kXClxb1mQ1qZgqCOaFYhNZJw48FaA-F-50giOLyQdeK7KYfOqdWUg-HpCYNdJFFYZBVLuCCCQorNuIkE36hqUlE0aRKQ6_zDc26MZuUnAJfbZzwLoxA9chLUZJ9UmcgFWNP4s9Gbks30rt-8abz0Q420XsTSvcXQ3HcA/s320/DSC04587.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>You enriched my life with games I would have never played. <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2LoRxSHPfKD-JLrUWASBz4b3JCVUcBsQq8H6Gm3xS-wJAIlBJzJyc_EOAkyX8NOlVhGrsoXJwwlF63Y5jBVm28hpnKkAYWlfFd6A7amfjckGUjRYkP6ZEeUh0cmtF_3CEnLvMgN10KYcO6wBfobKD1GYHl7AXtNn8yrhNayCI8eRVS4CF_adLLgZs2Xk/s4608/DSC04163.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2LoRxSHPfKD-JLrUWASBz4b3JCVUcBsQq8H6Gm3xS-wJAIlBJzJyc_EOAkyX8NOlVhGrsoXJwwlF63Y5jBVm28hpnKkAYWlfFd6A7amfjckGUjRYkP6ZEeUh0cmtF_3CEnLvMgN10KYcO6wBfobKD1GYHl7AXtNn8yrhNayCI8eRVS4CF_adLLgZs2Xk/s320/DSC04163.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTiX4dSyrWzuBV3gCL86S9G5B714NVYtc3k3-GZe9XujJqAyYVJmsOPVYvElNm8rgG-h_vNYnXCR1R7VcYC4APOOoONHy08HbXNk0eOu3BQvuboGGTnfSPVpLB8xuLUHFbTJt_HxCbuMlEaQih_DWU4C-QC1HlYdhM__4lMe24a-jUgJOGTyIPd7r7tfU/s4608/DSC04157.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTiX4dSyrWzuBV3gCL86S9G5B714NVYtc3k3-GZe9XujJqAyYVJmsOPVYvElNm8rgG-h_vNYnXCR1R7VcYC4APOOoONHy08HbXNk0eOu3BQvuboGGTnfSPVpLB8xuLUHFbTJt_HxCbuMlEaQih_DWU4C-QC1HlYdhM__4lMe24a-jUgJOGTyIPd7r7tfU/s320/DSC04157.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>As well as enriching our children's lives.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyb75zmfDcQ4tJLJSL6XuAj5vWouHP_8Lf-PjhVApgel0E8c7yyFCaoxComm4Thraoudye1ULQNCtqKiQG9ttPMh5Anm5GpNohL8mIvzCVEhYnVhVgIStbNr25Jf8WX3Ljtg8MheT7QWm3fZxug9Ib_9RxJRfNuQ93forhx38PrAQEOEhv3Wb2X6bDa4/s1598/DSC04062%20(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1530" data-original-width="1598" height="306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyb75zmfDcQ4tJLJSL6XuAj5vWouHP_8Lf-PjhVApgel0E8c7yyFCaoxComm4Thraoudye1ULQNCtqKiQG9ttPMh5Anm5GpNohL8mIvzCVEhYnVhVgIStbNr25Jf8WX3Ljtg8MheT7QWm3fZxug9Ib_9RxJRfNuQ93forhx38PrAQEOEhv3Wb2X6bDa4/s320/DSC04062%20(2).JPG" width="320" /></a></div>You will always be the Paladin to my druid. <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAMUylCB0LwkNrBRIu_b-Nc1XMcpwPCqetB6RDcMrWk9D43fvxWPWxNf4Qsq521oqiFrhUSUv2NC0F0wmX6tF9hrfO7X7PcNiVp7YCpD0RFTnv3lKzORCHa6hWmMbVrBDUyLKjQcI0YN3-D0ywX2fCKWXIyw47VCdWbX9P5J-XKn3BBNVo5RTcy7eVQaY/s4608/DSC04038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAMUylCB0LwkNrBRIu_b-Nc1XMcpwPCqetB6RDcMrWk9D43fvxWPWxNf4Qsq521oqiFrhUSUv2NC0F0wmX6tF9hrfO7X7PcNiVp7YCpD0RFTnv3lKzORCHa6hWmMbVrBDUyLKjQcI0YN3-D0ywX2fCKWXIyw47VCdWbX9P5J-XKn3BBNVo5RTcy7eVQaY/s320/DSC04038.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHwLpHT97T_PxY744O-WQQG_6ilMKOi-9nmaVbTJ8n_bUdSTBD28vCcsDZGHxqqWMsghjws7QYAJF_Mrx3HI6ucIEm3f52_mNHhnDroxyr20cXqP1wULBr2ZToOjM5A20gZa3AuUSdmWAx8KuK02MXDoa7YeGd1IAoueGa2c0lhYL-UHI5PCdcISHNm0g/s4608/DSC04021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHwLpHT97T_PxY744O-WQQG_6ilMKOi-9nmaVbTJ8n_bUdSTBD28vCcsDZGHxqqWMsghjws7QYAJF_Mrx3HI6ucIEm3f52_mNHhnDroxyr20cXqP1wULBr2ZToOjM5A20gZa3AuUSdmWAx8KuK02MXDoa7YeGd1IAoueGa2c0lhYL-UHI5PCdcISHNm0g/s320/DSC04021.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFRMk2X-Dzo3R6lyJo9NLtWoX0UOGXm4I1bOHoGusg9csIUYiPp5eV39AG86ujjleJXnMunnk6e-Tdj1HF8zoCbkQ7wKMSYuc4cgQccpKwCh77wI6EeMZtaHXXkEGpmw6PxXZxMffmmWq0M9a6Jlx9q0ohQLdHWMYuv9EXNqwAVOQAkhg8CEHg_aiCj_E/s4608/DSC04008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4608" data-original-width="3456" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFRMk2X-Dzo3R6lyJo9NLtWoX0UOGXm4I1bOHoGusg9csIUYiPp5eV39AG86ujjleJXnMunnk6e-Tdj1HF8zoCbkQ7wKMSYuc4cgQccpKwCh77wI6EeMZtaHXXkEGpmw6PxXZxMffmmWq0M9a6Jlx9q0ohQLdHWMYuv9EXNqwAVOQAkhg8CEHg_aiCj_E/s320/DSC04008.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>Even when you roll over me and take my cities.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNKg3u2CFOZM7DfAlJfU_ub8CkoJF4ETy9ojuzNiAGcpgcJPakr-X6fCvOmdgudeZuixqGCSgj06iX3bwlY_yt31Gu8vKku-RtVdeTlRLIh_kxzfbQxNlYox-98gh1E1NCLbOgJsFChT7jBUJXrevQXmrp2Qs2QWmldyMpMMcA69L8_ofSoHXGAcVXAFg/s960/bb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNKg3u2CFOZM7DfAlJfU_ub8CkoJF4ETy9ojuzNiAGcpgcJPakr-X6fCvOmdgudeZuixqGCSgj06iX3bwlY_yt31Gu8vKku-RtVdeTlRLIh_kxzfbQxNlYox-98gh1E1NCLbOgJsFChT7jBUJXrevQXmrp2Qs2QWmldyMpMMcA69L8_ofSoHXGAcVXAFg/s320/bb.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcXk4QbnJQKAjby-4VN8xPsp5TjZyAIUvP7oV8tYyG7QCs9MSuN02JPrUOAmiW7Jx2vFuW5xO6E6QIkClndGmtFTKIEjYViJVlt-p_Y8CX5Kxp0ZDzhZ9lSQAnVdTrCse_m9kxaQ7m5BEp69YXPbZGNXYtbHI-G-f58PK58hYvkgIxR9zjAEyyUmKdy-4/s4608/DSC03823.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcXk4QbnJQKAjby-4VN8xPsp5TjZyAIUvP7oV8tYyG7QCs9MSuN02JPrUOAmiW7Jx2vFuW5xO6E6QIkClndGmtFTKIEjYViJVlt-p_Y8CX5Kxp0ZDzhZ9lSQAnVdTrCse_m9kxaQ7m5BEp69YXPbZGNXYtbHI-G-f58PK58hYvkgIxR9zjAEyyUmKdy-4/s320/DSC03823.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Back alley bridge night.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYt8zsOb7FVbpBYD-9dY0xu-kT7cV_pL5JJLfKnz_xRl6iVUzpL1r3ImoNVwzV77H5i5BWJHRpYeEBKHi4CRVCUjzjSdpiwJT2LiHLlQxlsLovWiv0OH3CkeAeAOrpxJcyn8-xXLJvmwF1fc7Dd-Yh4MLAX6XcK6pvppDDLYJ8Fpb-xgbGEjeEdn0QAAE/s4191/DSC03791%20(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4191" data-original-width="2670" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYt8zsOb7FVbpBYD-9dY0xu-kT7cV_pL5JJLfKnz_xRl6iVUzpL1r3ImoNVwzV77H5i5BWJHRpYeEBKHi4CRVCUjzjSdpiwJT2LiHLlQxlsLovWiv0OH3CkeAeAOrpxJcyn8-xXLJvmwF1fc7Dd-Yh4MLAX6XcK6pvppDDLYJ8Fpb-xgbGEjeEdn0QAAE/s320/DSC03791%20(2).JPG" width="204" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOJOmKbO2PWxPQYXcIn-oWYIMjKSo4PJSN-jK0Fk8lls0JyaZ9rnt9gYUkB6gA8V_R9oZeRWMhMXXafR3AzEuq3tDVk4XOzLtuyxrf8rb-Swl77dIMTGlBB_oa-U7ETC5WlvWNbrFO9CCurceskAeFXmGwvfBvpUY55xIQuIO6buwwhaSTEZKON3U1h84/s4608/DSC03759.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOJOmKbO2PWxPQYXcIn-oWYIMjKSo4PJSN-jK0Fk8lls0JyaZ9rnt9gYUkB6gA8V_R9oZeRWMhMXXafR3AzEuq3tDVk4XOzLtuyxrf8rb-Swl77dIMTGlBB_oa-U7ETC5WlvWNbrFO9CCurceskAeFXmGwvfBvpUY55xIQuIO6buwwhaSTEZKON3U1h84/s320/DSC03759.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Story of my life. Even when you spot me massive prestige, you are a formidable opponent, and I love to face off with you.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgFmphSCRwRcJS60ceh2veH0al-Hf23_15jqy4URPrEzgSTvcpdx09sZ70E5ya_q1aMzwrCBWc8yMYctiWdJNxl3tFrhSIj7h2BWZMlNsdmM3IElgespN9_0BgrYWIHGbWljscHK5zStPyak92HL2EY0fFuKHdYksDuIbdmf_dVFSfoSzCkGBuYFPr6lc/s4608/DSC03757.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgFmphSCRwRcJS60ceh2veH0al-Hf23_15jqy4URPrEzgSTvcpdx09sZ70E5ya_q1aMzwrCBWc8yMYctiWdJNxl3tFrhSIj7h2BWZMlNsdmM3IElgespN9_0BgrYWIHGbWljscHK5zStPyak92HL2EY0fFuKHdYksDuIbdmf_dVFSfoSzCkGBuYFPr6lc/s320/DSC03757.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqPARgCkk-MzYtr20LbP2Pf_SGn5ZdXoTQQS_b9r0ym-iyobhQOVoOYrY9vaoZzC9AQl0OYDoJ_QomhBG552b7Sm9osE0SwbDkcCmDlQ8iV-BfwtNP2b23WREvW-1XafaEIArEa7R3vMMlgQ7dsBAK33pnq8kgBhNn8jKucY_mK0eeLeoXyL8d4KSs9Nk/s640/saving%20the%20universe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="483" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqPARgCkk-MzYtr20LbP2Pf_SGn5ZdXoTQQS_b9r0ym-iyobhQOVoOYrY9vaoZzC9AQl0OYDoJ_QomhBG552b7Sm9osE0SwbDkcCmDlQ8iV-BfwtNP2b23WREvW-1XafaEIArEa7R3vMMlgQ7dsBAK33pnq8kgBhNn8jKucY_mK0eeLeoXyL8d4KSs9Nk/s320/saving%20the%20universe.jpg" width="242" /></a></div>Your children inherited your love of games and adventure.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFsNw9HuC6p1scwqprG7vkV4XRfiQV80LZ0gNf4YyZAoUUpUPXUXqo8yHyylsahFLLkZKZX7owngbFQnjO8d1r0CX8eEV79llTlIelujZDgYyvqZWKuJHnnnqJdNlae3yWV8Lv7dH0YDZXK1eHOf455Vx4nMb-BlvBeZJ-ia9YNbStSKtPx0fYwKTuMRc/s230/dadjurhanbaby%20(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="230" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFsNw9HuC6p1scwqprG7vkV4XRfiQV80LZ0gNf4YyZAoUUpUPXUXqo8yHyylsahFLLkZKZX7owngbFQnjO8d1r0CX8eEV79llTlIelujZDgYyvqZWKuJHnnnqJdNlae3yWV8Lv7dH0YDZXK1eHOf455Vx4nMb-BlvBeZJ-ia9YNbStSKtPx0fYwKTuMRc/s1600/dadjurhanbaby%20(2).jpg" width="230" /></a></div>As well as your gentle kindness.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXeHYX15ghKP3OAk_JYOjds6jC3wzKcLaqVMo1YIqA7XLZqsvj3iFBngiawss7D3Dkf5RibC0z7rbftqrb9FJNaOPSSAVLMWfgLn3zgj5nLn4d4KGn7XcVAREHdnTfJWLzySxn2F3JB_nFu8weEXbmAszAzBSZmJLp4cpM58IUjXAYSfW_VSeLhyA4M8A/s4608/DSC03476.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXeHYX15ghKP3OAk_JYOjds6jC3wzKcLaqVMo1YIqA7XLZqsvj3iFBngiawss7D3Dkf5RibC0z7rbftqrb9FJNaOPSSAVLMWfgLn3zgj5nLn4d4KGn7XcVAREHdnTfJWLzySxn2F3JB_nFu8weEXbmAszAzBSZmJLp4cpM58IUjXAYSfW_VSeLhyA4M8A/s320/DSC03476.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht0ck1k6uJ5YPeSdkL5BEnzIAZIZzO0wTkqi4q8axaRFvZ0lMOlC-ScXUZJHvzjEhZyRtCxAUkjSvD3XADW2pbrzecJ63OlmYS_UZ_4iDbuDhxDUEfeSxZY5MPu57kD6M8Her4vEVr6l0b4bls-S2AWyeEtj93tdWZRtpv5AApWYJEnNUah035SguJFew/s2610/DSC04132%20(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2610" data-original-width="2114" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht0ck1k6uJ5YPeSdkL5BEnzIAZIZzO0wTkqi4q8axaRFvZ0lMOlC-ScXUZJHvzjEhZyRtCxAUkjSvD3XADW2pbrzecJ63OlmYS_UZ_4iDbuDhxDUEfeSxZY5MPu57kD6M8Her4vEVr6l0b4bls-S2AWyeEtj93tdWZRtpv5AApWYJEnNUah035SguJFew/s320/DSC04132%20(2).JPG" width="259" /></a></div>I'm so glad you're having another birthday my love.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN0pHv92aEL12POzW_EfCw5ELW-DblDAaeSe7BL2NfEnQS58fPhawqxs61_0zvrlaABOolosojoPpTPTh4GbHJ1jADhjyNakvSfpjcJZOU_zNPJQb9piWdvYwjokjQAFTZX0AXeSO4wSS4ekDB_5_BNpz_UrJnhiqYgOIAJ-hgptHAb6GlOjI_Jn0UU4o/s960/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN0pHv92aEL12POzW_EfCw5ELW-DblDAaeSe7BL2NfEnQS58fPhawqxs61_0zvrlaABOolosojoPpTPTh4GbHJ1jADhjyNakvSfpjcJZOU_zNPJQb9piWdvYwjokjQAFTZX0AXeSO4wSS4ekDB_5_BNpz_UrJnhiqYgOIAJ-hgptHAb6GlOjI_Jn0UU4o/s320/1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHUWAroGvW5bqxanJPqBcmO0-aJ6vVrIyZBfLkB530LGNs7Vs73hP3hcdDIYeAfU1eJjsyfO7kvBL-kdCRkFDoQW_bDj-XaKnUwkCm519ePAK2Kd9zW6rrrjIA_GZsOwnTjqCd9J5KLIoS_DUigMS6WMHCOdMU2hh8vjXRx0-cNtu913F4NS2lGlo8fkU/s2592/IMG_20191002_181337.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1944" data-original-width="2592" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHUWAroGvW5bqxanJPqBcmO0-aJ6vVrIyZBfLkB530LGNs7Vs73hP3hcdDIYeAfU1eJjsyfO7kvBL-kdCRkFDoQW_bDj-XaKnUwkCm519ePAK2Kd9zW6rrrjIA_GZsOwnTjqCd9J5KLIoS_DUigMS6WMHCOdMU2hh8vjXRx0-cNtu913F4NS2lGlo8fkU/s320/IMG_20191002_181337.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRNujIyVeaU-nj64NqbcX0li0wFIpSzJTpKIxaG3FdZQHDQBxCKzp_hdZwTog2XsGiaRV55ayf2opf9EAR6NLnfwAz8zgcrTPz3l3IMYG9icdPxsnJrI2KssGABa9NEG59wnVeJdQQL1kGl54vGPdIbT4urUl0Bsyc9K2Nlq2LUDvz28_S_pY2BdI9tBI/s1280/thumbnail_IMG_2382.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="903" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRNujIyVeaU-nj64NqbcX0li0wFIpSzJTpKIxaG3FdZQHDQBxCKzp_hdZwTog2XsGiaRV55ayf2opf9EAR6NLnfwAz8zgcrTPz3l3IMYG9icdPxsnJrI2KssGABa9NEG59wnVeJdQQL1kGl54vGPdIbT4urUl0Bsyc9K2Nlq2LUDvz28_S_pY2BdI9tBI/s320/thumbnail_IMG_2382.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>Thank you for all you do for our family.<p></p>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-54881521710833396312023-02-28T11:12:00.003-08:002023-02-28T11:12:38.736-08:00New year, new rant<p> GGGGGrrrr. To qualify for OHP to cover the infusion medication for my RA, I have to have failed two oral medication trials.</p>Well I have...methotrexate and chloroquine. <br /><br />but they are denying it, because they don't like they way I failed the chloroquine (side effect of sever muscle pain, inability to STAND UP AND FUCKING WALK)<br /><br />so they want me to try another medication.<br /><br />really?<br /><br />these meds have life threating side effects like CANCER: BLINDNESS; DEATH.<br /><br />yup<br /><br />and the next one to try takes 1to 2 FREAKIN YEARS, to clear your system after you stop taking it. <br /><br />The prednisone is failing...I have 2 years left to work. Thats a LONG ASS time when you're in chronic pain.<br /><br />AGAIN will be asking for referral to the pain management clinic, and/or a hospice evaluation. (Wich I have been asking for since my 20's and they always say I'm not old enough yet. sigh)<br /><br />just mad an angry this morning. going to go watch Star Trek with hubby then bind books all day.<br /><br />rant over.<br /><br />hope everyone is haveng a better day.DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-76016046817653242342022-12-15T21:43:00.000-08:002022-12-15T21:43:12.364-08:00Treasure BoxDay number five of having covid-19.<div><br /></div><div>Can't type much, my arthritis is off the hook. So I Vlogged for you.</div><div><br /></div><div>ack! trigger warning for messy crazy old woman hair...</div><div><br /></div><div>I see as I watched it back my thoughts are all over the place. sorry LOL, dying here, covid n'all. My brain has been cooking at 101 - 103 degree temps for 5 days.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's long, it's boring and yes you must watch it all.</div><div><br /></div><div> (small trigger for short SIV and suicidal thoughts mentions)</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/a1J4aCvruow" width="320" youtube-src-id="a1J4aCvruow"></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Now that you have seen the current contents of my magical treasure box. I am wondering what my bestest older sister on the planet has<i> in hers!</i></div><div><br /></div><div>I feel a road trip coming on!!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-17809895479390671242022-11-29T22:37:00.000-08:002022-11-29T22:37:49.659-08:00No tears (Trigger for suicidal thoughts)<p>The Cymbalta has stopped my tears.</p><p>I started taking it when my head reached a peak that it was going to kill me.</p><p>Year and years ...a lifetime of my brain running from the part of itself trying to snuff me out, finally reached the end of its ability to cope.</p><p>The lurch off the track was sudden and abrupt.</p><p>The will to fight, just snapped and gave... I felt my soul yield to the pressure...</p><p><i>...free falling into the calming quietness of nothingness...</i></p><p>I felt Richard's ghostly hands reach for me...</p><p>I heard Nola and Iona's magical voices singing to me...urging me to go on...</p><p>My husband's strong hands caught me.</p><p>but</p><p>the pull of the night was now at a fatal level.</p><p>I called for help.</p><p>I, that messed up damaged child, wounded and broken.</p><p>Called for help.</p><p>The Children of Starr, reaching out in unison.</p><p>help. me. my. depression. is. going. to. kill. me.</p><p><b>Cymbalta: has entered the game.</b></p><p>and just like that.</p><p>the tears stopped.</p><p>I turned my brain off instantly.</p><p>I turned my emotions off.</p><p>Since starting it over a year ago I've cried like 3-4 times.</p><p>for no longer than 20 seconds.</p><p>That is strange to me ....who cried daily, and often having 30 minute long sob fests for most of my life.</p><p>Alive.</p><p>but</p><p>missing the full richness of the dark emotions that I swam in all my life.</p><p>the water is clear and warm now and there are no monsters hiding below.</p><p>I still look for them.</p><p><i>let me grab onto your raggedy top fin so you can drag me down into the creative darkness that births my writing muse....</i></p><p>Richard reaches for me again...<i>"Paja it sounds like your happy."</i></p><p>"well, I don't like it! It feels so weird and uncomfortable. Ra, I miss crying. I miss the release of emotions and the pain."</p><p>Nola and Iona but in... <i>"three...two...one....open the door..."</i></p><p>I do as I am told and walk into the day light...and back to my little family that I love so much. My family that I fight depression for. </p>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-92168218409336743422022-08-12T12:25:00.013-07:002022-08-12T12:30:14.214-07:00Stickrod saga<p> I have been a bad blogger. I left ya hanging on the saga of our tree.</p><p>This video was taken in 2021.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyrHAIPgE_lTr-rEhJwhes6lA2PV988L30qgfz9w8-Ag_o_RgJ6PRgjEbXanbzq0aVJbixmzSvNQLtUuIO1Hw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>Anyway, My Stickrod outgrew his pot. I, being a serial plant killer, decided the best bet for his survival was to rehome him. I posted a video looking for a new home for him,.</p><p>Sticky didn't take to that idea and two weeks after me posting that inquiry, and in the middle of July just turned brown and dropped all his leaves.</p><p>What the hell dude!! </p><p>He would rather die than be rehomed to a place he could be planted and grown?!</p><p>Okay FINE! you crazy tree you can stay with us.</p><p><br /></p><p>Fast forward to 2022.</p><p><br /></p><p>We were hit with the devastating news that this little killer was now in Oregon.</p><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">"Emerald ash borer is an invasive species that feeds on all ash species and some closely related plants. The adult is a small metallic green beetle and the larva is a flat headed borer. Larvae feed in the <a href="https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=f522906377943582JmltdHM9MTY2MDMzMTI1MSZpZ3VpZD0yOGQ1ZWNiZC1lOTM4LTRmZjctYWQ1MS0yYWUwNDNjYjEzZjkmaW5zaWQ9NTQzNQ&ptn=3&hsh=3&fclid=03b5b18f-1a72-11ed-82f6-cb72751cd8b9&u=a1L3NlYXJjaD9xPUNvcmsrY2FtYml1bSZmaWx0ZXJzPXNpZCUzYTM5MTNlZDc3LWNhODEtMDdmMi1mYTYwLWExOWRkZjQ4YTQyNCZmb3JtPUVOVExOSw&ntb=1">cambium</a> of ash plants and are 100% lethal for untreated ash trees."</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">So serious the threat is that they are collecting as many varieties as possible of Ash tree seeds. Hoping to replant the native species once tree-magedon is over.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I know understand why Sticky wanted to stay with us. It must be frightening to be on hospice and not be near your family. I decided I would follow suit and collect his seeds this spring. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Cause I can just imagine me planting a whole army of baby sticks! The thought of re-populating the state in murderous Stickrod clones would be just too much fun.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Welp, I guess he is still mad at me for trying to rehome him, because he put out ZERO seed pods this year. ZIP, NADA, NIL. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Okay FINE be that way sir. </div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-82826421010898391112022-08-12T11:59:00.003-07:002022-12-17T21:28:38.186-08:00By Fives (2022 edition - incomplete draft to be finished in 2025)By Fives (2022 edition - incomplete draft to be finished in 2025)<br /><br />Gota jot this down while I can still remember stuff...stinking menopause, aka the killer of my writers brain.<br /><br />By Fives<br /><br /><br /><br />I was born on the kitchen table<br />tumbled down sixteen stairs<br />attempted suicide<br />and placed second in a beauty pageant<br />all before I turned five.<br /><br /><br />I've eaten yellow snow on a dare<br />snorted grape soda up my nose<br />melted army men on the stove<br />learned the secret to catching lightning<br />got lost in Disney Land<br />watched three of my brothers die<br />and froze my tongue to a stop sign pole<br />all before I turned ten.<br /><br /><br />I danced naked as snow fell in the redwoods<br />felt dirt shoveled down upon me<br />as Ro____ buried me alive<br />wore the jewels of the Princess of Lippy Germany<br />held séances in the dark<br />Disfigured Ri___'s face with a pickaxe<br />eaten fire and grazed like a cow<br />and completed a novel<br />all before I turned fifteen.<br /><br /><br />I've felt the hand of a demented man cuff me across the face<br />flunked English 121<br />discovered Halloween candy I hid when I was seven<br />stared deep into the emerald green eyes of a panther<br />her warm breath on mine<br />and held the hands of countless people as they have died<br />all before I turned twenty<br /><br /><br />I've delivered puppies in the backseat<br />while parked at Shop n' Kart<br />journeyed into the dreamtime<br />got lost again in Disney Land<br />grew hair on my neck<br />crushed myself in my car<br />kisses a hog<br />and hung candy canes in the forest<br />all before I turned twenty-five<br /><br /><br />I've danced sacred dances<br />with eagle feathers in my hair and doe's skin on mine<br />began dreaming in Japanese<br />taught my son the secret to catching lightning<br />felt the bay mare rear and flip....<br />caught her in my lap<br />and fell in love with my friend John<br />all before I turned thirty<br /><br /><br />I've nursed piglets<br />watched three friends die of brain tumors<br />pieced my nipple<br />castled kingside and opened a door to a whole new world<br />accepted a proposal in the park<br />joined the Russell clan<br />all before I turned thirty-five<br /><br /><br />I've switched my mind off and hibernated<br />got lost in cyberspace<br />sold my childhood on EBay<br />gave birth to a son who almost died<br />got out of debt<br />and then right back in<br />all before I turned forty<br /><br /><br />I've been kissed by a sea lion<br />fought with my daughter<br />before she even left my uterus<br />swallowed radiation<br />got lost in Norrath<br />got lost in my own head again.<br />set sail on the seas of depression<br />all before I turned forty-five<br /><br /><br />Threw away my novel<br />Started a blog<br />Taught the internet the secret to catching lightning<br />got crushed again by a car<br />switched from LTC to ALF<br />won a game of chess against a Fide Master<br />Got put on the right medication for my head, and<br />learned to play Mahjong<br />all before I turned fifty<br /><br /><br />Watched my son almost die again,<br />joined a cult on YouTube<br />stole the light of a thousand stars,<br />and fed all of it to the darkness in my mind.<br />developed a rare disease,<br />avoided Covid 19.<br />Became one with the Floor<br />and watched my daughter become a serial killer,<br />all before I turned fifty-five.<div><br /></div><div>Watched my daughter steal my boat</div><div>and sail away into the darkness, </div><div>Stood firm on the dock and hauled her back in.</div><div>Mama joined my brothers in the ocean,</div><div>Became the wife of a college student</div><div>caught covid 19</div><div><br /></div><div>....(survived 40 years in long term care - June 2023)</div><div>.....(husband graduated with his BS summer 2024)</div><div>all before I turned sixty<br /><br /><br />(c) Jan 9, 1992 - original</div>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-50267926531917626712021-07-23T15:50:00.001-07:002021-07-23T15:50:17.171-07:00vaccine<p> <span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; color: inherit; font: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My Great-great grandma survived polio. She was lucky she didn't end up in an iron lung. Back then fear was rampant. No on new how it was transmitted. My mother remembers her mother carefully pealing every last sting off the banana's because they though polio could be caught from banana "strings." </span></p><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">When the polio vaccine came out, it was no different than it is now. People were afraid. Very afraid. </div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> But they did it. </div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">They did it to protect their children and everyone else's child.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">My oldest memory is sitting on my mother's lap watching as thick grape syrup was poured on a sugar cube, and then popped into my mouth. I bet my mother was nervous knowing that her little one was getting live polio vaccine...having watched her grandmother live with the aftermath of polio her whole life.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">But she did it.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbvWoxWzyLPHG3sgJMWSqbF4e8552QEj5TbqRHj0hBc2i-L2HOglhG9CMYpBF84XILcjXpSovC2_ayAAoZ9J2kYdVec481EHvWG2tajrKuJMuukOUb0sYXSi1RDi45dKmXqdKjFM8x9oQ/s701/222683202_5789455634428793_5326417506077380020_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="526" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbvWoxWzyLPHG3sgJMWSqbF4e8552QEj5TbqRHj0hBc2i-L2HOglhG9CMYpBF84XILcjXpSovC2_ayAAoZ9J2kYdVec481EHvWG2tajrKuJMuukOUb0sYXSi1RDi45dKmXqdKjFM8x9oQ/w480-h640/222683202_5789455634428793_5326417506077380020_n.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><br /><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">That picture is of me. I am 6 months old and failing to thrive. I am in a doll dress tied up in the back because back in 1966 there wasn't any clothes that fit me. That is my small pox vaccine scab there on my wee little six-month-old arm.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Last time my people and the government and small pox came up together in the same conversation it was to give infected blankets to those on the reservations to kill them.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Yeah. there was zero trust, but everyone did it anyway.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">2020, locked down rolled in....and issued in a hell I hope to never have to visit again. Watching the elderly in my care mentally stew in anguish ..."My daughter doesn't come visit me anymore...is she mad at me?" breaks into sobs. </div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Me unable to hug her and comfort her crying behind my mask. Night after night, turning into weeks after weeks, until it was too late and she went to her grave thinking her loving daughter abandoned her.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Watching my own child plunge into a depression as the isolation physically separated her from her mates. Online schooling and therapy were a poor substitute. But at least she was in a safe place. She had a home, food and an abuse free environment. The huge decrease of reported cases of child abuse...tells me many children gained the title of survivor.</div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">I took that covid vaccine for my residents so they could have those unreplaceable moments with their families again. I took it so my children could once again go out and get on with life. I took it for those children who NEED to get out of their houses and into school where they have a chance to report what is happening to them. </div><div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;" /></div><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">I did it...for all of us.</span>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-89785100330409886542021-04-20T23:01:00.006-07:002021-04-20T23:20:02.575-07:00 Seen *Trigger warning*<p> Whoa its been a hot minute since I've blogged. Menopause is evidentially kryptonite for my writers muse.</p><p>Common cough up something old woman.</p><p>***************trigger warning - abuse aftermath discussion*********************</p><p>Twice recently I was pointed out and honored for the work I do in my job.</p><p>My soul glitches a bit, like a dog petted the wrong way when the spot light swivels and catches me.</p><p>I like to be invisible. A quite person gliding through life unnoticed.</p><p>Why? </p><p>That easy.</p><p>My past has left permanently scarred. If I was seen...I was visible and the abusers could find me and hurt me. School hood bullies couldn't torment me if I was inviable in the shadows. </p><p style="text-align: center;">Being invisible was a coping skill. Imagine being in chronic mental pain from abuse and no one seeing you.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><i>no one seeing the pain that you were in...</i></p><p style="text-align: center;">No one stopping to notice the blood weeping from the cuts on your arms. All those little red mouths in your skin screaming and no one hearing anything...</p><p style="text-align: center;">lost and alone, while everyone around you not seeing you ...ignored you, until they had need of your body.</p><p>It doesn't start as a coping skill. It starts as a wickedly painful realization. <i>No one can see the pain your in....and worse no one is going to come to help you or save you.</i></p><p><i>no one cares your soul is fracturing and dying agonizing deaths.</i></p><p>oh make no mistake <i>we want to be seen</i>. We want to be helped, we want to be saved, We want the danger to away. To have the free floating feeling leave our hearts, we want to be grounded and planted and be accepted as a member of the human race.</p><p>and when we try to be we are savagely brutalized, and used like trash.</p><p>Abuse victims just come to the understanding.. we are invisible. This brings a calmness to the chaos.</p><p>If we are invisible, people are <b>suppose </b>to ignore us, not <b>see </b>us, leave us <b>alone</b>.</p><p>as simple as that, our young brains add order WHERE NONE SHOULD BE. </p><p>I know for me I skirted and dodged recognition like a gold medalist. In the years Richard and I worked together a frequent thing I heard him say was, "Paja, you are the hardest person to give a complement too." </p><p>I was too. I didn't like how it made me feel.</p><p>It made me feel ....seen.</p><p>It was disturbing to suddenly materialize in the sunny world from my dark shadowed world.</p><p>We never dissected that and look at it deeper, he and I had more pressing things to do. Like keep me alive.</p><p>I would work on that later on the message boards, and in helping others with the same issue, I learned why it ruffled me so.</p><p>At the very, very primal level, being complemented pinged the hidden part of me that claimed I was invisible. A bright blazing light screaming down into my soul burning that thought from my head; and replacing it with a new one:</p><p>You are not invisible ...you never were, people<b> saw what was going on</b> and they CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING.</p><p>This is why I would cringe and skirt complements/acknowledgement. Shrug them off and refuse to accept them.</p><p><i>you're telling me the sky is blue after I spent my whole life thinking it was green? </i></p><p><i>I can't breath in this world where I am seen.</i></p><p><i>I. </i></p><p><i>can't .</i></p><p><i>breath.</i></p><p><i>no one is coming for me...I am left here to linger in this dark place ...they are looking riiiiiight at me and choosing not to see me.</i></p><p><i>Iz onwee four. to widdle to safe my selfs. Weft in the darness wif no lanturn.</i></p><p><i>Weeve us be. weeve us unseen...it hurts less.</i></p><p>But no.</p><p>Life continues to see me. Occasionally, quietly laying awards and recognition at my feet.</p><p>I no longer flinch away or feel that lost ancient pain.</p><p>It was a quietly understanding one day not long ago.</p><p>That the people honoring me....were a different bunch. These amazing people with the brilliant hearts and their kind words...they belonged to the tribe of people WHO WOULD HAVE CHOOSEN TO DO SOMETHING. </p><p>Seeing me now, validates me all the way through my system to the blubbery-sobby-snot nosed messed up little one at my core.</p><p><i>And I perk up rather than cringe away... taking another step on my healing journey.</i></p>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-87718985003792688142020-12-03T20:21:00.000-08:002020-12-03T20:21:12.921-08:00PPE 2020<br /> I think I handle having to use PPE (that's personal protective equipment) better than most of the new to healthcare workers, because I was there when the AIDS epidemic happened.<br /><br />At that time we were all working bare handed. There were no gloves in nursing homes.<br /><br />We had nothing to use and no idea how the HIV virus was being transferred. That fear of not knowing when that virus was going to gobble us up, was terrifying. We faced that virus bare handed, no masks to gowns no face shields.<br /><br />It was a lot.<br /><br />I'm not as alarmed this pandemic. I just know what I need to do and that's protect myself, my residents, wash my hands don't touch my face and don't touch any body fluid that isn't mine. <br /><br />The fear isn't there, I went through that the last time, I know this time just focus on prevention. <br /><br />Stressing and worrying doesn't help. When you can't see your enemy, just fortify your castle walls.<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjycHczuB5_qsCVRY7dfpQL8wLaFS6lo-1rzw7PZ1RIEKLx2_yAot6KJOk7H6VApd8Q83GfX_OU-BY5rd74nYSwjjA3vbulissPzx3pyfynvvWnIkSBb0Ig-_4bKMwiu3pI0wxiScDyrKI/s701/128584105_4694297443944623_6536468938209344940_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="526" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjycHczuB5_qsCVRY7dfpQL8wLaFS6lo-1rzw7PZ1RIEKLx2_yAot6KJOk7H6VApd8Q83GfX_OU-BY5rd74nYSwjjA3vbulissPzx3pyfynvvWnIkSBb0Ig-_4bKMwiu3pI0wxiScDyrKI/w480-h640/128584105_4694297443944623_6536468938209344940_o.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-51397400666885033562020-12-03T20:12:00.001-08:002020-12-03T20:12:36.965-08:00By the numbers * *TRIGGER FOR SELF INJURY DISCUSSION* * <p>As I jotted down the hash marks in my therapy journal...I wasn't completely honest... mostly because I didn't want Richard to think I was a lunatic...even though I had told him I needed to be in therapy because I was a lunatic.<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4gWm-pIfoTPSsF9wbU4GCqYnkyEsZ8IRJz6iYvw8wYAYiHMTXKhQ6vEtvh9RKbapuFyH_Bn2Hr1HTQfcvEIeLhK2y9_PYe2T035lt7opiX3a5skX1xZq9EUIuZWYK83t05d2yqw9HVfY/s1280/thumbnail_IMG_20201203_180222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4gWm-pIfoTPSsF9wbU4GCqYnkyEsZ8IRJz6iYvw8wYAYiHMTXKhQ6vEtvh9RKbapuFyH_Bn2Hr1HTQfcvEIeLhK2y9_PYe2T035lt7opiX3a5skX1xZq9EUIuZWYK83t05d2yqw9HVfY/w611-h640/thumbnail_IMG_20201203_180222.jpg" width="611" /></a></div><p><br /></p>The X's represented episodes of self injury for that year.<p></p><p>Mind you, in the dark days the self injury was constant. </p><p>Like daily, all day, during the waking hours. </p><p>I can't even stress how much self inflicted violence I inflicted on my self over the years. </p><p>It is <i>STAGGERING</i>.</p><p>I have hundred of burn scars. </p><p><i>HUNDREDS.</i></p><p>But the numbers have no meaning. </p><p>It's not the number of injuries that counts in the end, its the number of times I didn't.</p><p>I had started working on roping in the SIV (self inflicted violence) long before I headed out into therapy. As I aged and got further and further away from what triggered the behavior in the first place, I could see I needed to change.</p><p>To show Richard how often I was injuring I jotted down that list you see above. </p><p>Keeping track suddenly became a thing. Prior to this I didn't keep track. It was a very helpful too l for me to SEE it on paper like this.</p><p>Also for me to kinda track my progress as I learned healthier coping skill and put them into place. It became a sad thing to have to open my therapy journal and add a new x. I focused on those stinking numbers some days. Wondering ...<i>have I lived like this so long I can never heal?</i></p><p>Time rolled on and did my 3 month stretch of no injuring. First time I had even been injury free for that length of time in forever. Bounding off that I set the goal of one year.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-TliW9yHKaL3Sm6QrqaNcioilCoYmHadShoaj5kD29iwzZxYco0FFFW9y1bPLyR4jGYQSkrdbcWpv62pgCmIT6ycdr9IaXUmxWunv86aWIhl0Xl3wD5srxlxES_5jG0qfc9VirdyGLUs/s1280/thumbnail_IMG_20201203_180421.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-TliW9yHKaL3Sm6QrqaNcioilCoYmHadShoaj5kD29iwzZxYco0FFFW9y1bPLyR4jGYQSkrdbcWpv62pgCmIT6ycdr9IaXUmxWunv86aWIhl0Xl3wD5srxlxES_5jG0qfc9VirdyGLUs/w400-h300/thumbnail_IMG_20201203_180421.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p>I recorded my wins along side my losses.</p><p>That X list ends in 2000.</p><p>Life had smoothed out and I was in a loving safe environment and my non-injuring streak made it up to seven years before I again burned.</p><p>I dug our my old tattered therapy book to add that episodes X.</p><p>I stared for a long time at that page. My mind milling over old memories...old numbers.</p><p><i>But the numbers have no meaning. </i></p><p><i>It's not the number of injuries that counts in the end, its the number of times I didn't.</i></p><p>I capped my pen and shut my journal without adding the new X.</p><p>Later when my burn was cleaned and bandaged, I grabbed a piece of paper and began dissecting the events that lead up to and contributed to the SIV episode. </p><p>This injury wasn't a sign of failure. It was a sign there was still some work to be done.</p><p>I no longer keep a count of length between injuries either.</p><p>I no longer need that. </p><p>I will always live with SIV. When it crops up I slow down and look to see what is off and needs addressed in my life...what I need to do to put that old dusty coping skill back in it's mental box in the back of my head.</p>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-14620087428213997492020-10-01T10:44:00.004-07:002020-10-01T19:10:48.209-07:00Evacuation<p>2020 has been a year. For sure.</p><p>Never in my life would I have expected to need to frantically evacuate from my house in a large city as high winds were forcing a fire towards it. </p><p>We got out and the town never got touched.</p><p>The two neighboring towns though weren't so lucky. Close to 3000 houses and businesses were burned to the ground. Lots of people were at work and didn't have the chance to go back and pack anything. There were left with only there work clothes on their backs.</p><p>As we watched the evacuation numbers rise and the boarder creep closer and closer to our home, the lights started to flicker. The smoke was choking our the sky and the winds blew hot air in your face as you stepped outside.</p><p>My anxiety caved in as I watched the neighbor pack. </p><p>Once the decision was made to prepare, <i><b>JUST IN CASE,</b></i> we had to evacuate. It was a done deal. </p><p>I knew as I instructed husband/son to load the camping equipment in the truck, we were leaving. I had been up close to 30 hours at that point and I knew I couldn't sleep with death inching its way towards my family.</p><p>I have often written lists of things I would take if I had to flee from a house fire. Have done so since I was young.</p><p>Mama used to tell me as she lighted the oil stove, "if this explodes, it will burn the house down."</p><p>The schools made me do a fire evacuation plan each year in class. I still have tucked away.</p><p>I used to lay awake at night planning what I would grab as I left.</p><p>Racky, my Indian blanket, Daddy's box, all my toys.</p><p>the list changed little as I aged, it just got longer.</p><p>Parker, my Indian blanket, Daddy's box, all my toys, all my writing, Seven.</p><p>and longer</p><p>Parker, my Indian blanket, Daddy's box, all my toys, all my writing, Seven, the farm kids, my cats.</p><p>It was very apparent, Everything was coming with me.</p><p>So what do you think I packed with 54 years of pre-preparation and boy scout training?</p><p>I grabbed the kids, "You need to pack, your phones/chargers, DS/charger/bags, clothes for three days. After you have done that, Pillows and blankets. ONLY after that pack anything you can't live without.</p><p>I followed my daughter into her room. Knowing she would need help. She stood there looking around. </p><p>"I don't even have time to process loosing my entire childhood." she said.</p><p>I repeated the list and she silently got to work. I took one last look as I left her room, marveling at her strength.</p><p>I messaged my brother: we may be camping in the back yard. Ignore any Russell setting up camp tonight. We are under level 2 evacuation orders. </p><p>Thankful that we had my childhood home to go to and the yard is big enough for us to camp if needed.</p><p>After that I turned to the task of packing. suitcase, clothes/toiletries, little suit case all my work stuff. </p><p>Truck: all the camping stuff. Food for us, all of my son's tube feeding supplies, formula, and three flats of water.</p><p>Husband was easy, Chess set and his Bible.</p><p>Then the important stuff. Medical records, bill box, password books, phones, chargers, medicine,</p><p>...wait I only have three cans of Pepsi?! gaahhh...what a time to be short.</p><p>Once all that was done and in the truck, I stood in the bedroom under the flickering light. Looked at my children's books masters, all my writing, all the photographs...Daddy's box, seven.</p><p>I grabbed only the meteor dagger. Even today I am not sure why. That is all I took.</p><p>We left without looking back...had the important stuff in the vehicles. Dad and son in the truck, me and daughter in the car with Fall Out Boy blaring...the ominous dark smoke on our heels. From our house to the exit in the next town over was 45 min of bumper to bumper traffic.</p><p>We hit the freeway and disappeared into the night.</p><p>**************************************************</p><p>The next day I took my work stuff and headed up to Corvallis where all my residents had been evacuated to. That week, up there like no other...hell on a different level then Dante could have ever dreamed up.</p><p>My family stayed with Daddy and brother for two nights then returned home when the evacuation level 3 line was further away then 4 blocks.</p><p>Thankful for years of mental prepping that make this evacuation a seamless, smooth process.</p><p>***************************************************</p><p>Unpacking stuff, I returned the meteor dagger to it place on the shelf. Unsure why it alone had been taken.</p><p>Helped my daughter unpack too, she at the last minute had grabbed a grocery bag and grabbed a few remnants of her childhood to take. I pulled out a bag of her hair that she had saved from some long ago hair cut.</p><p>"We we fleeing for our lives and you packed your hair?" I inquired.</p><p>"I couldn't bear the thought of it burning up."</p><p>......<i>.Mikitty, my weighted blanket, Daddy's box, all my MTG cards, all my writing, Seven, the kids, husband, my daughters hair...</i></p>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-30702102596931849772020-08-27T11:42:00.003-07:002020-09-19T16:37:06.050-07:00Unus AnnusIt means one year.<br />
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... and that is all we get.<br />
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It is a YouTube channel created my Markiplier (Mark) and Crankgameplays (Ethan). A hairy magical, hysterical land of thicc nincompoopery.<br />
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My son casually mentioned it to me last November when he was dealing with a life threatening health crisis.
"Mama... Markiplier has a new channel, in the first video they're cooking with sex toys."
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Me: *laughter* why do you always tell me these things while were driving and I can't go look it up?<br />
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I have always listened to my kids and investigated the people and things they watch on YouTube. I have been a fan of Markiplier since JUR mentioned him years ago.<br />
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This channel is a self destructing one. After one year they are deleting it. All of it. Only our memories of the journey will remain....and its been one hell of a journey.
I was dealing with a frightening time in my life when Unus Annus was brought to my attention.
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My son was ill. We were three years into the search for what was ailing him, doctor after doctor, after doctor...and the last ones only advice was...."Have you tried putting cheese on his broccoli?"<br />
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I was tired of going to wake him up and having my heart cave-in as I approached his bed and called his name. ...<i>was he alive? or did he die in his sleep?</i><br />
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Nearly six feet tall and 103 pounds. He looked like he was dying.<br />
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...he was dying...<br />
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Finally in November 2019 he got refereed to a GI doctor, who took one look at him and his blood pressure and turned to me and said. "I want you to leave here and drive straight to Doernbecher Children's Hospital, he is being directly admitted."<br />
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In a whirl wind stay, he was scoped and poked and prodded and diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis. EOE for short.<br />
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They would be placing a NJ-tube so they could start feeding him. He would be there a week, as he suffered from re-feeding syndrome and his labs went hay-wire.<br />
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They also inserted the NG tube in his lung vs his stomach the first time.<br />
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That's were it belongs.<br />
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I can't explain how grateful and thrilled I was to have answers finally. To have someone doing something for my beautiful son.<br />
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It was November and we had a long ways to go. He left the hospital at 103#.<br />
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<br />
November 14th that year Unus Annus signed on. It was my birthday.<br />
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It was a good birthday, my son was home and alive, and I had a youTube show that would be a one year timer....the same time frame that the doctors were saying it would take to have my son up to weight and healthy.<br />
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Each day at noon they would upload the daily video. It got to where I wake up at noon each day to watch it and then go back to sleep. Unus Annus isn't for everyone...it should be through, the laughter everyday is so needed and appreciated.<br />
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It reminds me of my childhood and all the goofy things me and siblings did. In a way<i> I lived Unus Annus. </i>Being alive before the internet meant we entertained ourselves. I will miss it when it gets deleted, but I will celebrate being part of it.<br />
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JUR and I both watch it. Laughing at it, as funny parts tickle us. He and I and 3.68 million subscribers partaking in a strange black and white cult of laughter, corn, beans and pee.<br />
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His recovery was slow.<br />
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I weighed him expecting miracles...to find only a pound here and there.<br />
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<i><br /></i>
<br />
By the Unus Annus Christmas eggnog muckbang video, we knew for sure a surgically implanted g-tube was in the works.<br />
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In January we were off to the hospital again.<br />
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<i>oh my sweet son, I'm so sorry for your pain...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
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As he laid there after surgery, he was listening to Markiplier's vlog on his pain and hospital stay. I am so grateful Mark shared his journey so freely. His words were there to comfort and help my son in ways I could not.<br />
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And he was also helping me get through all this, with his and Ethan's infections laughter on Unus Annus. My daily dose of sheer frolicking fun and laughter.<br />
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And then.....2020 shit on us all.<br />
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The lock down had detrimental effects in my mental health. On others too. Steve Cash another YouTube star that me and the kids have watched for ever, took his own life. His loss a staggering blow to us all. These people who share their creativity with us on line, are truly imaginary friends. We don't know each other, but they are in our lives.<br />
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Unus Annus went into quarantine with us.<br />
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Delivering as promised....each day. It payed off, helping me focus and have something to look forward too. The days pasted slowly.<br />
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I don't know who was more excited Mr. Crab or me.<br />
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When Mark and Ethan were able to get out of quarantine and get together again, it was epic. A video that no one who has seen it will ever forget it. And no one will believe us in the future when we speak of it. the infamous, Pee Sauna.<br />
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I was there. I saw it. I was part of it. (chants) "Unus annus, unus annus,unus annus!!!"<br />
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With all the chaos going on in the world right now, its been nice to watch my son's weight go up.<br />
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All the while watching the Unus Annus counter go down.<br />
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The ticking clock that closes out each video.<br />
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Each day I watch those numbers go down...knowing that when it reaches zero and the channel disapears...at that time I will know that it's been a year, and my son is 365 days farther away from those days when he was heading towards an early death.<br />
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Will I miss the channel?<br />
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Yes.<br />
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Memento Mori.<br />
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But I have the laughter inside of me.<br />
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Those days are pounds in my son's life.<br />
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After 7 months on a milk free diet, they scoped him again to see if the treatment was working.<br />
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Above is his esophagus in early November, its closed up and riddled with inflammation.<br />
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This is it in June. THIS is how it is suppose to look! Doctor says things look great.<br />
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A dexa scan showed the long term damage that the malnutrition caused to his bones.<br />
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Jur knew about the scan from watching the Unus Annus episode where Mark and Ethan got their bones scanned.<br />
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The curse of 2020 had us without AC for a week and 1/2 during 100+ degree weather this summer. Jur found humor in it.<br />
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So did I.<br />
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That magical day I've been waiting for is close at hand.<br />
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When he reaches 155 we can start weaning him off the tube and see if he can maintain the weight with just food.<br />
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I see so many things in him since we have found the right balance...most of all his smile has returned.<br />
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and so has mine.<br />
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I'm glad that this time in our lives is growing shorter, and will be gone soon. Some day the scar on his belly will be all that remains.<br />
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...just like the faint memories of the time we both spent watching Unus Annus.<br />
<br />DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-86176991786916060172020-05-06T10:43:00.002-07:002020-05-06T10:56:56.222-07:00Preface - Getting the Bucks Out<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Children,</div>
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In April 2020 while we were in quarantine for the covid-19 virus, I printed out my blog.<br />
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Upon seeing the stack of 1350+ pages Hanna says to me, “Will reading the ancient text be required?”</div>
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Yes, child, yes.</div>
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In these massive volumes you will find stories of me and you. </div>
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Others are about self injury and my lives journey. Others are a hodge podge of stuff stirred up in my writers brain. Some will be good, some will be bad. Some will be life changing.</div>
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I’m sorry that there are no pictures included. A lot of the humor was in the pictures. I hope you will be able to still access my blog in some fashion on line. But just in case, I have printed it out , because it is all I have to give
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At this printing Getting The Bucks Out @ blogspot.com is 566 posts, and spans from 2012-2020. It’s not done yet, and there will be more posts/volumes. I write slower now, but I still write. I've loved blogging and have no desire to stop.<br />
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I have loved to write since I was very little. The blog has become a diary, a confessional, a place where I can write to reach others....or just amuse my self as I read back over it and giggle at my skullduggery.</div>
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Take what you want from it.<br />
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Use it as canon for a cult or sell it on eBay, or carefully carve out the book on self injury from it and sell it to a publisher, what ever you want. These are your copies. There will not be a test on the contents. If you loose your copy don't panic. Things belong to people not the other way around...perhaps the person who found it, needs the wisdom in it more then you, and you were just the vehicle to get it to them.</div>
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I hope you each find peace in this life and your place among the world. It was/is a real treasure to have been there from day one to watch you grow.</div>
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Peace be the journey</div>
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Mama / Muma</div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-90263780822690679882020-04-16T13:17:00.001-07:002020-04-16T16:13:49.304-07:00In the forest (Sexual Abuse TRIGGER) A evil breeze violated the peaceful slumber of the forest girls.<br />
<br />
It slid over them, touching them, lingering longer then it should have.<br />
<br />
It roused the memories first, and then their minds.<br />
<br />
They awoke crying and afraid.<br />
<br />
Scrambling in the dark, they all reached for their lanterns and lite them.<br />
<br />
One by one warm bubbles of light pushed back the darkness.<br />
<br />
Once the light reached Dogdancing she shook her head sleepily. The lightening bolts in her hair glittered in the lantern light. She opened her eyes and they dilated slowly as they adjusted to the night light.<br />
<br />
Abruptly she shot up onto her feet. "Girls! she called in alarm.<br />
<br />
Years of conditioning surged through their veins and the girls shot out of their leaf beds and on to their feet in a seamless motion.<br />
<br />
That is when they all saw the ground. It was scattered with dead baby birds.<br />
<br />
Little One voiced what they were all thinking. "what is it?"<br />
<br />
"There is a monster in the forest." whispered Dogdancing with nostrils flared and her body tensing up to take flight. "Lets go."<br />
<br />
"Halt!" came a deep voice.<br />
<br />
They froze...eyes darting left and right.<br />
<br />
The bear huffed as it slowly padded into the light. "Yes there is monster in the forest. But we must stay put."<br />
<br />
Little Two writhed in agony. "But my heart is telling me to run, that we are in danger."<br />
<br />
"We are." Said the red fox jumping into her lantern bubble and sitting at her feet.<br />
<br />
Dogdancing swallowed hard. So scared she was she couldn't hear her thoughts over the poundings of her heart. "we aren't safe here." she said in an echoic voice tinged with panic.<br />
<br />
"Truth." said the tree from above. "Right now, no where is safe. We must all be trees, and stay put."<br />
<br />
"oooohh" whined Little Three, tears slipping down her dark face. "If we stay put the man wif the flesh knife can find me. He will hurt me."<br />
<br />
The bear nodded saddly. "we have <i>two</i> monsters in the forest."<br />
<br />
"Uuugh, one killing, and the other sending more girls to the forest." said the fox.<br />
<br />
Dogdancing's knees buckled and she crashed heavily to the forest floor. The weight of that knowledge crushing her.<br />
<br />
Her lantern flicked and dimmed.<br />
<br />
The bear carefully began scooping out paw fulls of earth.<br />
<br />
The red fox began gathering the baby birds and placing them softly in the holes, and using his snout to cover them.<br />
<br />
A few of the forest girls stood tall twisted and held out their arms and barked over to became trees.<br />
<br />
Others, crouched down and shelled up...blending in the the boulders.<br />
<br />
"I can't stay, HERE, I can't stay STILL." said one of the newest girls to the forest. She was so new she didn't even have a lantern yet... and before anyone could move she took her life.<br />
<br />
This unhinged the fox.<br />
<br />
He fell and yelped painfully next to the still body.<br />
<br />
From way up in the forest canopy the redmother tree spoke. "The forest is ancient. Endless. The journey is long. Long enough that some of you have forgotten just how strong you are. What it took to survive the past. You still have that in you."<br />
<br />
Dogdancing painfully stood up, and took up her lantern. "not everyone can survive this...some are not long in their healing journey, some have yet to even take one step. Healing is hard."<br />
<br />
She walked over to the fox and scooped him up. He sobbed silently into her neck.<br />
<br />
She looked at the bear. "Not every story has a happy ending."<br />
<br />
"Truth" the bear said and began to push dirt over the newest forest girl's body.<br />
<br />
"What now?" asked Little One as she hunkered down and nestled into the rocks.<br />
<br />
"We stay. We wait." Said Dogdancing.<br />
<br />
"Is the healing journey over?" said Little Two.<br />
<br />
<div>
"No." Said the fox wiggling out of Dogdancing's arm. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dogdancing placed her lantern on the grave. It's light shining bright.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"We still journey....but for now we just have to march in place and hold the line."</div>
DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-86279876208874696102020-03-26T00:41:00.003-07:002020-03-27T11:15:42.718-07:00Grandma's girlDaughter,<br />
<br />
You were never meant to read my blog at ten years old.<br />
<br />
You were to find a hard copy in my possessions after I died. You were suppose to be a grown woman long gone from home when you discovered it.<br />
<br />
I never wrote it thinking, my ten year old daughter would be reading my words.<br />
<br />
I didn't fathom what affect it would have on you.<br />
<br />
It tainted your relationship with your grandma., and for that I am truly sorry.<br />
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You were only three when she started having the strokes. Started having memory issues from them. She started forgetting around this time. Her life and memories fading at a rapid pace.<br />
<br />
She loved you little one. Coming over to the house and lavishing all her thrift store treasures on you. You loved to play with her.<br />
<br />
Before Dad and I had kids we talked about how old I was. We both discussed how that any children we had might have there own children cheated out of having me as there grandma because of my age.<br />
<br />
Grandma's are important.<br />
<br />
It didn't occur to me that my own children would get jipped in the grandma department.<br />
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Grandma Ginny loved you too. You were six when she died.<br />
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It <i>guts</i> me you have no memories of her.<br />
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You missed out on such a wonderful woman. Kind and gently like her son, your father.<br />
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She made you two dresses. Hold on to them.<br />
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they are tangible little reminders she loved you. Don't worry she would eventually get your named spelled right.<br />
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<br />
You have no memories of grandma Penny either. well none of your own, you have mine, from reading my blog. Which are tainted.<br />
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You still have Jonny the little black cat? remember picking him out of grandma's toys?<br />
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guess you do remember.<br />
<br />
Grandma Penny loved to thrift store shop. Like a crow she collected all sorts of goodies and brought them home. When we would stop by to visit she delighted in having you pick out goodies to take home. Your big ornate silver cross came from her too. Star city was from her too.<br />
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I had a different relationship with her. <i>She had a good relationship with you. </i>Don't hold onto my blog memories of her. She was a mother. Mothers and daughters don't always get along. She had a nice relationship with you, there was no pressure to raise you, she could just love and play with you.<br />
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She only remembers Grandpa now days. She has what is known as vascular dementia.<br />
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I wish she could remember you too. You both have forgotten each other. Which makes me sad.<br />
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Grandma's are important.<br />
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And you had two of the best, even if you were too young to remember.<br />
<br />
heck, you had a beautiful great-grandma too who loved you also.<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
and you have been blessed with a new grandma too. One you can reach out too and get to know.<br />
<br />
...and what do you know...she's a writer just like you!<br />
<br />
Next time we can made the drive, first priority is to take a picture of you and her. I don't have enough pictures of you with your grandma's. I want to fix that lackingness.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Mama<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-14915328234067307662020-03-25T12:17:00.000-07:002020-03-25T12:17:43.615-07:00little things in lifeLike <i>reeeaaally</i> little things.<br />
<br />
like virus's and germs.<br />
<br />
My minds been thinking lately. Cause it's got some time on its hands.<br />
<br />
I am appropriately freaked out about this latest pandemic. It's coming for me (elderly/compromised immune system/healthcare worker)<br />
<br />
But them it makes me want to ask questions...how many of those that have died had flu shots? Multiple flu shots over the years and did they have the pneumo-vaccine? Or did none of them have vaccines?<br />
<br />
Cause well the scientist in me has questions. I naturally want to dig deeper and do massive research.<br />
<br />
Could the reason it's hitting the elderly hardest is because they have had the polo vaccine done with weaken virus vs the inactivated virus?<br />
<br />
I dunno, I live with a immune system that doesn't play well with other and is attacking it own host....which is me.<br />
<br />
I grew up outside. Playing in dirt, creek water and grass. I have eaten all sorts of plants, drank mud puddle water, unfiltered creek water, consumed unwashed/unsprayed wild fruit. Licked more poles then I care to admit.<br />
<br />
Cheated death right off the bat being born with my umbilical cord wrapped twice around my neck.<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
I licked all my mosquito bites after I scratched them till they bled.<br />
<br />
Hunted and killed wild beasts with my girl scout pocket knife.<br />
<br />
I've sawed down redwood trees with a rusty hand saw and told its fortunes in its rings....<br />
<br />
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<br />
I was once immortal.<br />
<br />
but not so much anymore.<br />
<br />
I flew too close to the sun and its melted the wax in my wings...and now I need help to do things like, get out of a chair.<br />
<br />
While I may no longer be the bird actively building my family nest, I haven't gone far, I've just slipped into the sub role of the dried and warped twigs that supports it and holds it together. My hatchlings are nearly ready to fly.<br />
<br />
I will do my part in the long chain of life.<br />
<br />
hold my place.<br />
<br />
and hand off the baton when the next runner when they extend their hand.DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-11444086589806692072020-03-20T11:55:00.000-07:002020-03-20T12:03:23.534-07:00Quarantined with mental issues (triggery?)Breathe....<br />
<br />
that seems to be the stock advice to give people who live with mental illness/issues in times of crisis.<br />
<br />
I've lost count of how many times faced with my severe mental health symptoms, I was offered that advice.<br />
<br />
Breathe....<br />
<br />
Hell, I've given that advice my self.<br />
<br />
It isn't about breathing...it's simply about starting.<br />
<br />
You have to start somewhere.<br />
<br />
Why not start with something you can control. Breathe.<br />
<br />
I want to talk about the social distancing and quarantining and sheltering in place that is going on right now, and how that could impact those of us who live with mental illness/issues.<br />
<br />
Even healed and well wrapped people can be ambushed with triggers in times like this. None of us have been through a pandemic with this sort of global response before. <br />
<br />
We need to be aware of our responses and our pulse of our mental health.<br />
<br />
I was doing fine and the grocery store picking up the weekly food until I came across the rice section and it was completely empty.<br />
<br />
I was instantly triggered and the fear of being hungry again washed over me and altered the rest of my purchases.<br />
<br />
I noticed later that all I wanted to do at the house was eat. Fill up my hump like a camel so I could survive if food got scarce.<br />
<br />
Once triggered, my system went on high alert. All the talk of quarantining and social distancing brought up feeling of fear and abandonment. <br />
<br />
Breaking my weekly routine of going to turn in cans further set me off. I don't like feeling trapped and held. And having to staying home certainty felt like that.<br />
<br />
All the news shouting, "the elderly and immunocompromised are the most at risk", set my anxiety to new levels.<br />
<br />
I am in the elderly range, I am on not one but TWO immune suppressant drugs. Plus I work in the health care field.<br />
<br />
A much needed concert I had tickets too has been canceled. That opened up my bottomless pit of depression.<br />
<br />
Loss of routine and daily mundane things has shook my mind up like a snow globe.<br />
<br />
And that is just me. I am well wrapped and have a phenomenal support system.<br />
<br />
There are many vulnerable young people who are now trapped at home with abusers. Many people who are dealing with mental illness without a sound support system. And the one thing they need to do is not be home, not be socially distancing. <br />
<br />
I hope someone with the know how opens up an mental health app where people can simply call in and see a person, a real person. So if even isolated they can see some ones eyes and hear their voice.<br />
<br />
Breathe...<br />
<br />
So what can we control in all of this?<br />
<br />
Limit your time watching the news to once a day for updates.<br />
<br />
Drink water.<br />
<br />
Open your curtains, don't isolate in the dark.<br />
<br />
Go outside and be in the air....and your guessed it, breathe.<br />
<br />
Get up each day and get dressed.<br />
<br />
Exercise. (Muscles are vindictive little bastards and like to hold memories and tension.)<br />
<br />
Find some on line chat group to be a part of.<br />
<br />
Get hooked on a you-tube series (my favorite right now is Unus Annus enjoying the daily episodes.)<br />
<br />
SPEAK UP. If you need something speak up, Even if its a quick face book post to see if anyone "see's" you.<br />
<br />
Start with the thing you can control. Be on the look out for the things that are known triggers to you.<br />
<br />
Seek help with you are overwhelmed and in danger.<br />
<br />
Stay alive.DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-84610353488648256192020-03-18T22:11:00.000-07:002020-03-18T22:11:15.469-07:00A dangling carrot (triggery)<div>
Last year I had a spell were the depression was bad. My pain was off the hook. I was drowning in toxic stress. I couldn't see the future.</div>
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<br /></div>
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No not like that. </div>
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<br /></div>
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When my head gets bad I can't see a reason to go on. It makes the suicidal thoughts really bad. I could see no reason to get up, no reason to go on breathing. There was no end to the stress.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I had no dreams.</div>
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No forward momentum.</div>
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Nothing to live for.</div>
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<br /></div>
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and </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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then ….BAM</div>
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<br /></div>
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From the darkness of the abyss a light was shined down to me.</div>
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A reason to go on living.</div>
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<div>
Two years ago I dragged my resistant then eleven year old daughter to DRUM TAO 2018.</div>
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<br /></div>
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She was pouting and questioning why I was making her go.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I told her, "Because your a writer, and writers have to feed their minds with all sorts of magical stuff. This is medicine for your soul. You don't know it but you need this."</div>
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<br /></div>
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At intermission I turned to her.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Her wide eyes met mine. "Mama you were so right I NEEDED THIS!!"</div>
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<br /></div>
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When this tour was announced money was incredibly tight and there was ZERO luxury spending.</div>
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So I killed myself working eleven days in a row to afford the tickets.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I gave up sleep and on the heels of a 10.5 hour shift stood in the line for 2 hours to buy ticket the day they became available.</div>
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<br /></div>
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We were blessed to get front row center seats. </div>
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<br /></div>
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And I hung them on the calendar.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The days I struggled to go on, </div>
<div>
the days I struggled to living in this rickety old body,</div>
<div>
the days the madness was deafening</div>
<div>
the days the stress was choking me</div>
<div>
the days I wanted to give up living</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I would hold on to that dangling carrot....Drum Tao. To once again go and get lost with my daughter in the drums....just a few hours of relief from my broken body and my damaged head. <i>I need this.</i></div>
<div>
<i></i><br /></div>
<div>
With the virus stuff going on right now, they have canceled 4 weeks of performances at the theater.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Drum Tao...is on the other side of that 4 weeks. Threatening to be canceled, but not officially yet.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Literally I've been living for this.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Now the depression is rolling hard in my head. No carrot is at the end of my stick. It has been jerked away. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Only thing before me is endless physical pain. </div>
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<br /></div>
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And that is no motivation to go on.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
There is a world of people who have had there lives and plans and dangling carrots ripped away from then as a result of this pandemic.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel you man. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm sorry for all of us.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hang in there, it will take time to grow a new carrot.</div>
DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-30707599230662014992020-03-12T12:29:00.002-07:002020-03-12T12:29:46.363-07:00Three squaresSo I was at Costco today.<br />
<br />
No, not stocking up for covid-19. It was coupon day and I have tax money.<br />
<br />
There was no toilet paper to be seen. To the point that where it belonged was now over stocked with water flats they were limiting people to two a piece.<br />
<br />
It made me think...are you telling me that everyone has burned through the stock piles they amassed during Y2K all ready? I though for sure that supply would last at least until 2025.<br />
<br />
I belong to an elite group pf people who are known as the THREE-ERS.<br />
<br />
Well a group that consists of my father, and my siblings.<br />
<br />
One summer my mother declared, that all us kids were allowed to wipe with, was three squares.<br />
<br />
I questioned her wisdom of this seemingly nonsensical request at the time.<br />
<br />
But now as a bill paying adult, I can see the monetary need of trimming the TP usage for a family of 8 from 4 rolls a day down to 1 roll every other day.<br /><br />I and the other THREE-ERS quickly mastered the skill of wiping with one...two...three squares.<br /><br />Truth be known, I can do it in two squares. One, if I fold the square into toilet paper origami.<br /><br />Also as member of the <a href="https://gettingthebucksout.blogspot.com/2013/09/crick-indian.html">Crick Indian tribe</a>, I know it possible to use no squares to wipe with. LOL.<br /><br />Who knew this lesson from my mother would ever come in handy. Did she know she was the Nostradamus of hygiene? <br /><br />So ya'll go ahead and horde up all the TP. I'm good here.<br /><br /><br />Those that want lessons....they're available for 4 easy payments of $19.95.<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-6741779557704815852020-02-26T10:03:00.000-08:002020-02-27T14:46:37.395-08:00Watered<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "quot";">Another great unfinished piece. In my writing I use a internal sound track/rhythm when I write. This little bit is the code I used to indicate what pattern I am using, <span style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 14.66px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>Four six two nine.</i> Then the next line is a the idea I was aiming when I paused. A place holder so to speak, so when I came back I could just pick up and write on.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "quot";">Four six two nine</span></div>
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Sun burned and angry she retreated to the forest. Finding no solace in the shade she sought out the deeper darker part.</div>
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She was a beautiful tree. Small for her age, willowy...lean and with a crown of deep dark green leaves.
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<br /></div>
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Held back and kept from growing.</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
A captive in a pot just outside the door.</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Separated from the forest</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
And worse…</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Watered</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Everyday </div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<i>…With poison</i></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Her bark grew pale</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Her years marked in irregular rings with in her trunk </div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
jagged like scars,</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
blurred,</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
some years not there at all, </div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
lost to the poison.</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
People have tried to take her</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Plant her</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
She draws her roots up so tightly that the root ball causes her to tip over and she refuses to stay up right,</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Until she is returned to the small</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
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<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
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<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Confining pot</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
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<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
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<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
that holds her back, and allows her to </div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
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<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Be watered daily…</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span>
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<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #201f1e; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<i>…With poison</i><br />
<i></i><i><br /></i>
<i>***************************************************</i><br />
This is a story about a girl who is drinking daily. Some one I know. Someone waaaay too young to be an alcoholic.<br />
<br />
Unfinished. Fuck this post menopausal writers dementia. It's maddening.<br />
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-44284221346449218412020-02-26T09:52:00.001-08:002020-02-26T09:52:53.126-08:00Apple blossomsThis is a letter I wrote to a new mother who was struggling with everything after childbirth/postpartum stuff was not going as smoothly as she wanted.<br />
<br />
_________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<span class="markb801ofvmj" data-markjs="true" style="border: 0px rgb(0 , 0 , 0); color: black; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Apple</span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> blossoms.</span><br />
<br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #212121; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">That's what I imagined pregnancy/birth would be like as a little girl. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Beautiful, delicate, fragrant, dainty, light, oh so wonderful.</span><br />
<br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #212121; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">My body wanted a baby in the worst way. I felt cheated and robbed as the </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">years pasted and I was denied a baby of my own.</span><br />
<br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #212121; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">34 years old and finally a man walks into my life that can reach all of me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I've Advanced Materal Age (AMA) when I finally get to have a baby of my own.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">first pregnancy was stressful and full of medical drama that threatened to </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">steal the joy of it. I loved every second though. I imagined delivery to be </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">a momentous event that would bond me forever with all the women of the </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">ages, a rite of passage, being initiated into a secret society...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">They induced me 2 weeks early and forced my son to come out before he was </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">ready. He nearly died and spent 4 days in the NICC. The trauma of inducing </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">left my body a mess. The whole experience left me feeling cheated. Duped. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">lied too. Where the hell was the<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: "times new roman";"> apple</span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> blossoms?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I had a gorgeous son, and I was fighting sleep deprivation with a body that </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">need to heal and recover. I wanted to just lay in bed and stare at my son, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">suck him in, memorize his face, shut out the world and stay there in that </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">moment forever.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">but</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">there were dishes to do, hubby to tend to, things that had to be done at </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">work, life...life was still going on and cutting me no slack.</span><br />
<br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #212121; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">darn it</span><br />
<br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #212121; font-family: &quot; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I wanted that dream. The image of the well rested mom with the sleeping </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">baby on her shoulder. Not the one I saw in the mirror: frazzled mom hair </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">not done, pukie baby on her shoulder.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I wanted the physical discomfort of labor/delivery to be gone. "Oh you </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">forget right away!" they tell new moms...I didn't. I felt like something </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">was wrong with me. What was I doing wrong that I was feeling this way?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Nothing. yet everyone was making me feel bad for not "bouncing back" and </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">going on like the energizer bunny. I wanted to shout: "LOOK, I WANTED APPLE</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.66px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">BLOSSUMS AND A WHOLE DAMN<span style="background-color: white; color: #000111; font-family: "times new roman";"> APPLE</span><span style="color: #b00000; font-family: "times new roman";"> </span></span><span style="color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font: 400 14.66px "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">TREE FELL ON ME"</span><br />
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<span style="color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font: 400 14.66px "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Take time. Take all the time you need to recover my dear. You are </span><br />
<span style="color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font: 400 14.66px "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">recovering from pregnancy and major surgery, while raising a little one who </span><br />
<span style="color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font: 400 14.66px "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">doesn't care how you feel she just wants a boob and she wants it now.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font: 400 14.66px "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Don't feel bad for how you are feeling. Its okay to be feeling out of sync. </span><span style="color: #212121; display: inline; float: none; font: 400 14.66px "segoe ui" , "segoe ui web (west european)" , "segoe ui" , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , "roboto" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">ts okay.</span>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-90112268096373947092020-01-28T18:39:00.000-08:002020-01-28T18:39:11.354-08:00Bon voyageI stand here on this planet, 100% aware that it is moving on...and I am not.<br />
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That I am no longer a contributing member of the movement that give the population its steady hum.<br />
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Acutely aware that I have slipped out of sync with the world. No longer breeding stock. Age and illness encroaching on my ability to be a constructive member of society.</div>
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A cracked bottle discarded on the side of road. A vessel no longer worthy of maintaining …or keeping.</div>
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When I got lost in Disney Land as a seven year old, this is exactly how I felt. Small, stationary as this sea of faces buzzed around me, life moving at a rapid pace, going on without me.</div>
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Sometime around October of last year I became aware that ….my life and time here is winding down. A sudden need to tie up loose ends, say goodbye, empty my bucket list.</div>
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Been under toxic levels of stress since April. Working slowly to remove absolutely EVERYTHING from my plate in an attempt to ease my discomfort.</div>
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<i>Discomfort</i></div>
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That isn’t the right word. There doesn't exist a word to describe what I'm feeling.</div>
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Muscle biopsy in September showed all sorts of things. Been struggling to function and work and work I must. The fear of not being able to work, when I am the main provider for the family while husband goes to school. Is a stressor I
can’t take off my plate. Literally the stability of my family hangs on my rickety failing body.
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This is a gut wrenching reality that kicks my heart on a daily basis.</div>
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I used to tell the farm kids “We are a chain…and as such we are only as strong as our weakest link.” I am not the weakest link…I AM NOT EVEN A LINK…I am rusty paperclip jerry-rigged to hold the chain together in place of the link.</div>
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Had a second opinion on my medical status, and the doctor had no idea either. I told him, “Good thing I have an usual name, cause there going to have to name this after me. Pajasytis.”</div>
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Both Rheumatologist agree I have rheumatoid arthritis and polymyositis, the PM is just not showing up in the muscle biopsy at this point, and the other stuff that is showing up is making them scratch their heads. Leave it to me to possibly have two rare diseases on top of the rheumatoid arthritis.</div>
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I made the decision to add plaquenel to my med regime in December. It can cause blindness. Which is why I’ve avoided it so far…but I was at the end of my ability to work with just prednisone. I had good relief of the pain the first two
weeks and I was thinking, finally…<i>some relief</i>.</div>
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But today its like it has failed and I’m hurting. Which scares me</div>
<br />
I am once again out of sync.<br />
<br />
Winding down...becoming obsolete....off balance...off the track...engine sputters, coughs and stills in a last exhale of grey smoke.<br />
<br />
I stand on the dock, my feet anchored.<br />
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I fight my muscles to raise my arm and shakily wave bon voyage.<br />
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I shall stand here as long as I can.<br />
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Watching for as long as I can.<br />
<br />
...until you are out of sight, and I join the many silent, forgotten voices of the past.DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-26582500072323966322020-01-22T10:21:00.000-08:002020-01-29T08:43:42.559-08:00Greasy hands (TRIGGER for suicidal thoughts discussion)Living with chronic suicidal thoughts is a lot like riding an endless roller coaster.<br />
<br />
Everyone around you is belted in with a five point restraint. There locked down tight and going no where.<br />
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While you are unbelted, forced to hang on to a wobbly bar with your bare hands. Your grip is all that stand between you and death.<br />
<br />
and you hands are greasy.<br />
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It takes <i>incredible</i> strength to keep your cramping hands around that shaky bar, that is always threatening to loose its anchoring bolts.<br />
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Day after day, twisting turn after turn, peak...fall...rise...peak...fall....<br />
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do you have any idea how hard it is to keep your focus and grip on that damn bar when your own mind is screaming at you …<i>.let go</i>...?<br />
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what its like to get up each day knowing that it maybe a life and death struggle and you may not make it back to your bed?<br />
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To have medication fail you and have no other options, but to rely on your greasy hands to keep you here in this world....this world that is at every turn fighting you and trying to shake you off the roller coaster?<br />
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When you have days you just lay on the floor sobbing, praying the coaster will slid into the station and you can finally get off.<br />
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When you so exhausted all you wish for is someone to slid into the seat next to you, and hold you tight, so you can let go for just <i>one damn second</i> to adjust your grip and get a better hold, so you don't fall.<br />
<i></i><i></i><br />
I hope none of you know this.<br />
<br />
Which is why I'm telling you.<br />
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All you hear are the shrieks of the coaster riders who are enjoying a fleeting moment as they<br />
<br />
peak...fall...rise...peak...fall.... enjoying the thrill of the moment.<br />
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They get to exit the coaster.<br />
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THEY GET TO EXIT THE COASTER.<br />
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some of us , we are trapped. There is no station. No end to the ride.<br />
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Well no end we would ever wish for.<span style="background-color: white;"></span>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-54513843339898694212020-01-15T19:40:00.004-08:002020-11-29T10:30:43.970-08:00Little ones...<div style="text-align: left;">
Little ones...<br /><br />It's grandma.<br /><br />So sorry you never got to meet me. Life had other plans. Illness has stolen from you, and me our time together.<br /><br />You can find me in my writings. <br /><br />As the Polymyositis began stealing my functions from me, one of the first things it took was my arm strength. I held a baby for a few seconds and had to have the mother take it from me.<br /><br />Even if I had lived to see you, I could never hold you.<br /><br />The medication used to keep me functioning so I could earn the money to help support my family, robbed me of years off my life. It will one day take my eye sight too.<br /><br />Even if I had lived to hold you, I could never see you.<br /><br /> You can find me in my drawings.<br /><br /> I would have loved to take you to the Redwoods and walk the Trestle Loop Trail with you.<br /><br /> The polymyositis crippled me before I could take my own kids and walk it. <br /><br />You can find me in your mama/dad<br /><br />When your questioning and feel like your lost and no one understands you and life is swallowing you up, you can find me in you.<br /><br />Know, I would have loved to have known you. Loved to watch my children journey on and find what makes their hearts sing in this world.<br /><br />I would have loved to rock you to sleep and sing to you.<br /><br /> You can find me in my songs.<br /><br /> I would have loved to have met you...played with you.<br /><br /><i>What's for dinner? <br />(tickles your collar bones)<br />Short ribs!<br />(tickles your ribs)<br />Spare ribs!<br />(tickles your belly)<br />CHICKEN POT PIE!</i><br /><br /><br /> ...Hold's you and rocks and rocks in the rocking chair, dreaming in the thinking sand...<br /><br />...catches your first wind horse and introduces you...<br /><br />...standing out in the pouring rain, teaching you to catch lightning, and call the thunder...<br /><br /> ...laying with you and your parents on the mats counting meteors...<br /><br /><br />oh, little ones...<br /><br />Grandma loves you.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i></i><i></i><br /></span>DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676399562721737928.post-5821755688729257922020-01-08T20:57:00.002-08:002020-11-14T08:51:28.309-08:00By Fives (2020 edition)<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
A little early this year, but hells bells so much going on I had no trouble coming up with this block! Some years I've struggled, but not this one!<br />
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By Fives</div>
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I was born on the kitchen table</div>
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tumbled down sixteen stairs</div>
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attempted suicide</div>
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and placed second in a beauty pageant</div>
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all before I turned five.</div>
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I've eaten yellow snow on a dare</div>
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snorted grape soda up my nose</div>
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melted army men on the stove</div>
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learned the secret to catching lightning</div>
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got lost in Disney Land</div>
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watched three of my brothers die</div>
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and froze my tongue to a stop sign pole</div>
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all before I turned ten.</div>
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I danced naked as snow fell in the redwoods</div>
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felt dirt shoveled down upon me</div>
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as Ro____ buried me alive</div>
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wore the jewels of the Princess of Lippy Germany</div>
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held séances in the dark</div>
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Disfigured Ri___'s face with a pickaxe</div>
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eaten fire and grazed like a cow</div>
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and completed a novel</div>
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all before I turned fifteen.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've felt the hand of a demented man cuff me across the face</div>
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flunked English 121</div>
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discovered Halloween candy I hid when I was seven</div>
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stared deep into the emerald green eyes of a panther</div>
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her warm breath on mine</div>
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and held the hands of countless people as they have died</div>
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all before I turned twenty</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've delivered puppies in the backseat</div>
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while parked at Shop n' Kart</div>
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journeyed into the dreamtime</div>
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got lost again in Disney Land</div>
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grew hair on my neck</div>
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crushed myself in my car</div>
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kisses a hog</div>
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and hung candy canes in the forest</div>
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all before I turned twenty-five</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've danced sacred dances</div>
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with eagle feathers in my hair and doe's skin on mine</div>
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began dreaming in Japanese</div>
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taught my son the secret to catching lightning</div>
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felt the bay mare rear and flip....</div>
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caught her in my lap</div>
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and fell in love with my friend John</div>
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all before I turned thirty</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've nursed piglets</div>
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watched three friends die of brain tumors</div>
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pieced my nipple</div>
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castled kingside and opened a door to a whole new world</div>
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accepted a proposal in the park</div>
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joined the Russell clan</div>
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all before I turned thirty-five</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've switched my mind off and hibernated</div>
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got lost in cyberspace</div>
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sold my childhood on EBay</div>
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gave birth to a son who almost died</div>
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got out of debt</div>
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and then right back in</div>
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all before I turned forty</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've been kissed by a sea lion</div>
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fought with my daughter</div>
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before she even left my uterus</div>
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swallowed radiation</div>
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got lost in Norrath</div>
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got lost in my own head again.</div>
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set sail on the seas of depression</div>
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all before I turned forty-five</div>
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<br /></div>
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Threw away my novel</div>
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Started a blog</div>
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Taught the internet the secret to catching lightning</div>
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got crushed again by a car</div>
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switched from LTC to ALF</div>
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won a game of chess against a Fide Master</div>
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Got put on the right medication for my head, and</div>
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learned to play Mahjong</div>
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all before I turned fifty</div>
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<br /></div>
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Watched my son almost die again,</div>
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joined a cult on YouTube</div>
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stole the light of a thousand stars,</div>
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and fed all of it to the darkness in my mind.<br />
developed a rare disease,</div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">avoided Covid 19.<br />
Became one with the Floor</div>
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and watched my daughter become a serial killer,</div>
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all before I turned fifty-five.</div>
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<br /></div>
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(c) Jan 9, 1992 - original.</div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />DOGDANCINGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08407478554269205298noreply@blogger.com0