Guns in my head (trigger warning for suicidal thoughts)

 After not blogging in forever I'm about to hit ya with two. One fun, one not.

This one is the NOT one.

I've suffered/lived with suicidal depression my whole life.

MY. WHOLE. LIFE.

Occasionally, as my daughter struggles with her own journey with her mental health; will turn to me and with tear-filled eyes whisper. "how are still alive?"

Long, long story sweet child.

 A few things jump to the front.

(Glances down at my scarred filled arms.)

I did whatever it took to keep myself alive.

(it wasn't always pretty)

I was lucky enough to have strong souls who hung on to my life line when I let go.

(Richard, Nola and Iona)

and those fractures souls who were brave enough to swim after me as I slipped below the surface time and time again, to grab my dying body and haul me to the surface forcing my mouth open so I could breath.

(The Children of Starr)

Opened my fractured heart to love, trust another.

(my beloved husband)

Cymbalta started in my early 50's.

(zzzzzttt...brain reboot.....)

but before all that...there was the death rewards.

Rewards for death?? 

HELL YEAH!

To shut up the daily manta of my defective brain, I would say.  "Fine you bastard, you can die, when this or that happens."

they were different as the years went by. 

Childhood ones were not worth mentioning. They got serous as I got older. Perhaps the biggy was:

You may kill your self when you reach 23.

Read here to see how that turned out

Promised my therapist Richard I would stay alive till 65. Which quieted that daily pestering from my depression. I do have patience.

And when I found out he died, I was able to not squelch on that deal and change the terms of our agreement.

I have had other till death do we part contacts, involving living things.

I can't die until so and so my pet whatever dies. I don't want them to be euthanized or be rehomed etc.

All in all, it beeping worked. I stayed alive. I was enough to stop my brain from killing me.

My brain knowing that on November 14th at 10:45 am in the year 2030 it can give up that grip on life and let go....is comforting. Knowing that there is limit to the mental pain I will endure, is comforting.

So how does it work? Like this:

Depression: ugh so tired, I want to die.

me: We promised Richard we would stay alive until 65.

super depressed brain: done...so done...

Me: 65!!!

It gave me something to hold onto/counter back with.

So what brought this up?

Sometimes my choices for self-preservation have unexpected side effects. My guts just burps them up for things not that do not need them inserted.

Case in point, September 25, 2006 a little past 5 am, my daughter came into the world and as the nurse was handing her to me, her wet umbilical cord trailed against my naked body.

My damaged mind's maw wrenched open and whispered, 'now you have stay alive until she is 18'

A warping of the stay alive code by my brain in an attempt to cast a dark shadow over the experience.

and just that fast it became canon.

It gave my mind ammunition to counter with.

depression: 18

me: 65

it: 18

me:65

The ground I call out 65! from is higher and more powerful than the 18 it squeaked That fight faded off in no time.

I'm in no danger. Never have been. However, that fraction of an instant of self-sabotage my brain coughed up showed up the other night. Working nights has always been a double-edged sword I balance on. Tired, fatigued sleepless brain matter is ....gushy...my feet sink in and that line between here and there blurs.

Perfect place for my depression to whisper things to me.

your daughter is turning 18 in September...

18.

Me in my brain: "YEAH? SO WHAT!!"

18

my sleep deprived night shift brain: Do you really think I am lusting to check out over a fricking number?! Do you think I would EVER allow you to harm my children?! That I would want to inflict that pain on my loving gentle husband??! I got shit to do in this life man! shove that 18 straight up your ass!!

your physical pain would cease...

you're kidding me, right?! My 83-year-old great grandma used to get on the floor and do the Chinese splits in her polio braces. My Daddy use to haul fridges around with a broken back. I didn't miss a day of work when I got crushed in a car, or even when I broke a rib at work.

You think physical pain is any comparison to the mental pain I've endured? jeez man I eat that stinking pile of horse shift you serve up every day. My therapists have reinforced my will power with earthquake and tsunami protection.

nothing hurts my children.

NOTHING.

even me.

Suicide would do irreplicable harm to my family.

Depression: someday death will come for you.

Me: Yeah? you can expect me to rear back my polymyositis riddle leg and kick it in the teeth.

(Cymbalta joins the chat)

Cymbalta: what the flippin' blank man? I fixed the chemical imbalance and inserted sunshine and roses in your brain, where did this weed come from!

Depression: Still here ma'am, just have to wait till the sun goes down to open my flowers.

Cymbalta: looks like she just yanked you out and tossed you in the trash.

Depression: she can pick the visible weeds, but my roots run deep.

Me: maybe so depression. but I have always grabbed your roots and weaved them into a rope. Only time will tell if I plan to use to hang my self on or climb it to freedom.

For now, I use it as a lasso, I swing it hard over my head and look for the next available anchor beyond 18.

Happy Birthday husband

 You turn 49 today.

You have been in my life for 23 years.

I am so glad you were born.

I got to see you become a father.  I got to parent with you.

Best of all I got to be loved by you. Your gentle calmness tamed my wildness.

Oh the adventures you have had in this life.

And I got to come along.  Bet other women would be jealous if they knew that every time I washed dishes, you come running and "pay" me with a back rub and dishes-kisses.

 

Took me 15 years but I finally defeated you in a game of chess. Guess lessons from a Fide Master pay off.

You introduced me to bowling.

and to motherhood.

added Sunday night dinner into my life.

Lady Liberty, Oregon state champ!

You enriched my life with games I would have never played. 

As well as enriching our children's lives.

You will always be the Paladin to my druid. 

Even when you roll over me and take my cities.

Back alley bridge night.

Story of my life. Even when you spot me massive prestige, you are a formidable opponent, and I love to face off with you.

Your children inherited your love of games and adventure.

As well as your gentle kindness.

I'm so glad you're having another birthday  my love.

Thank you for all you do for our family.

New year, new rant

 GGGGGrrrr. To qualify for OHP to cover the infusion medication for my RA, I have to have failed two oral medication trials.

Well I have...methotrexate and chloroquine.

but they are denying it, because they don't like they way I failed the chloroquine (side effect of sever muscle pain, inability to STAND UP AND FUCKING WALK)

so they want me to try another medication.

really?

these meds have life threating side effects like CANCER: BLINDNESS; DEATH.

yup

and the next one to try takes 1to 2 FREAKIN YEARS, to clear your system after you stop taking it.

The prednisone is failing...I have 2 years left to work. Thats a LONG ASS time when you're in chronic pain.

AGAIN will be asking for referral to the pain management clinic, and/or a hospice evaluation. (Wich I have been asking for since my 20's and they always say I'm not old enough yet. sigh)

just mad an angry this morning. going to go watch Star Trek with hubby then bind books all day.

rant over.

hope everyone is haveng a better day.

Treasure Box

Day number five of having covid-19.

Can't type much, my arthritis is off the hook. So I Vlogged for you.

ack! trigger warning for messy crazy old woman hair...

I see as I watched it back my thoughts are all over the place. sorry LOL, dying here, covid n'all. My brain has been cooking at 101 - 103 degree temps for 5 days.

It's long, it's boring and yes you must watch it all.

 (small trigger for short SIV and suicidal thoughts mentions)

Now that you have seen the current contents of my magical treasure box.  I am wondering what my bestest older sister on the planet has in hers!

I feel a road trip coming on!!

No tears (Trigger for suicidal thoughts)

The Cymbalta has stopped my tears.

I started taking it when my head reached a peak that it was going to kill me.

Year and years ...a lifetime of my brain running from the part of itself trying to snuff me out, finally reached the end of its ability to cope.

The lurch off the track was sudden and abrupt.

The will to fight, just snapped and gave... I felt my soul yield to the pressure...

...free falling into the calming quietness of nothingness...

I felt Richard's ghostly hands reach for me...

I heard Nola and Iona's magical voices singing to me...urging me to go on...

My husband's strong hands caught me.

but

the pull of the night was now at a fatal level.

I called for help.

I, that messed up damaged child, wounded and broken.

Called for help.

The Children of Starr, reaching out in unison.

help. me. my. depression. is. going. to. kill. me.

Cymbalta: has entered the game.

and just like that.

the tears stopped.

I turned my brain off instantly.

I turned my emotions off.

Since starting it over a year ago I've cried like 3-4 times.

for no longer than 20 seconds.

That is strange to me ....who cried daily, and often having 30 minute long sob fests for most of my life.

Alive.

but

missing the full richness of the dark emotions that I swam in all my life.

the water is clear and warm now and there are no monsters hiding below.

I still look for them.

let me grab onto your raggedy top fin so you can drag me down into the creative darkness that births my writing muse....

Richard reaches for me again..."Paja it sounds like your happy."

"well, I don't like it! It feels so weird and uncomfortable. Ra, I miss crying. I miss the release of emotions and the pain."

Nola and Iona but in... "three...two...one....open the door..."

I do as I am told and walk into the day light...and back to my little family that I love so much. My family that I fight depression for. 

Stickrod saga

 I have been a bad blogger. I left ya hanging on the saga of our tree.

This video was taken in 2021.

Anyway, My Stickrod outgrew his pot. I, being a serial plant killer, decided the best bet for his survival was to rehome him. I posted a video looking for a new home for him,.

Sticky didn't take to that idea and two weeks after me posting that inquiry, and in the middle of July just turned brown and dropped all his leaves.

What the hell dude!! 

He would rather die than be rehomed to a place he could be planted and grown?!

Okay FINE! you crazy tree you can stay with us.

Fast forward to 2022.

We were hit with the devastating news that this little killer was now in Oregon.

"Emerald ash borer is an invasive species that feeds on all ash species and some closely related plants. The adult is a small metallic green beetle and the larva is a flat headed borer. Larvae feed in the cambium of ash plants and are 100% lethal for untreated ash trees."

So serious the threat is that they are collecting as many varieties as possible of Ash tree seeds. Hoping to replant the native species once tree-magedon is over.

I know understand why Sticky wanted to stay with us. It must be frightening to be on hospice and not be near your family. I decided I would follow suit and collect his seeds this spring. 

Cause I can just imagine me planting a whole army of baby sticks! The thought of re-populating the state in murderous Stickrod clones would be just too much fun.

Welp, I guess he is still mad at me for trying to rehome him, because he put out ZERO seed pods this year. ZIP, NADA, NIL. 

Okay FINE be that way sir. 

 

By Fives (2022 edition - incomplete draft to be finished in 2025)

By Fives (2022 edition - incomplete draft to be finished in 2025)

Gota jot this down while I can still remember stuff...stinking menopause, aka the killer of my writers brain.

By Fives



I was born on the kitchen table
tumbled down sixteen stairs
attempted suicide
and placed second in a beauty pageant
all before I turned five.


I've eaten yellow snow on a dare
snorted grape soda up my nose
melted army men on the stove
learned the secret to catching lightning
got lost in Disney Land
watched three of my brothers die
and froze my tongue to a stop sign pole
all before I turned ten.


I danced naked as snow fell in the redwoods
felt dirt shoveled down upon me
as Ro____ buried me alive
wore the jewels of the Princess of Lippy Germany
held séances in the dark
Disfigured Ri___'s face with a pickaxe
eaten fire and grazed like a cow
and completed a novel
all before I turned fifteen.


I've felt the hand of a demented man cuff me across the face
flunked English 121
discovered Halloween candy I hid when I was seven
stared deep into the emerald green eyes of a panther
her warm breath on mine
and held the hands of countless people as they have died
all before I turned twenty


I've delivered puppies in the backseat
while parked at Shop n' Kart
journeyed into the dreamtime
got lost again in Disney Land
grew hair on my neck
crushed myself in my car
kisses a hog
and hung candy canes in the forest
all before I turned twenty-five


I've danced sacred dances
with eagle feathers in my hair and doe's skin on mine
began dreaming in Japanese
taught my son the secret to catching lightning
felt the bay mare rear and flip....
caught her in my lap
and fell in love with my friend John
all before I turned thirty


I've nursed piglets
watched three friends die of brain tumors
pieced my nipple
castled kingside and opened a door to a whole new world
accepted a proposal in the park
joined the Russell clan
all before I turned thirty-five


I've switched my mind off and hibernated
got lost in cyberspace
sold my childhood on EBay
gave birth to a son who almost died
got out of debt
and then right back in
all before I turned forty


I've been kissed by a sea lion
fought with my daughter
before she even left my uterus
swallowed radiation
got lost in Norrath
got lost in my own head again.
set sail on the seas of depression
all before I turned forty-five


Threw away my novel
Started a blog
Taught the internet the secret to catching lightning
got crushed again by a car
switched from LTC to ALF
won a game of chess against a Fide Master
Got put on the right medication for my head, and
learned to play Mahjong
all before I turned fifty


Watched my son almost die again,
joined a cult on YouTube
stole the light of a thousand stars,
and fed all of it to the darkness in my mind.
developed a rare disease,
avoided Covid 19.
Became one with the Floor
and watched my daughter become a serial killer,
all before I turned fifty-five.

Watched my daughter steal my boat

and sail away into the darkness, 

Stood firm on the dock and hauled her back in.

Mama joined my brothers in the ocean,

Became the wife of a college student

caught covid 19

survived 40 years in long term care.

Temu and I went shopping in China,

and bought trinkets and smiles

.....(husband graduated with his BS  summer 2024)

all before I turned sixty


(c) Jan 9, 1992 - original