Ladies let talk menopause.
In the text books its pretty cut and dry:
There is a period of time you are going to experience Peri-Menopausal symptoms and then after a year without a period you reach Menopause.
yeah. Riiiiiiiiiight.
They left out a few of the stages along the way.
Like Menorunonandon. Pronounced: meno-run-on-and-on. Defined as, when your period just refuses to stop in your 50's and just keeps coming as you are approaching 60.
And my favorite one, Mennope. Pronounced: men-NOPE. Defined as when your period stops for 10-11 months and you get really fricking excited that this is IT and your marking days off on the calender and planning the party annnnnnnd your period shows up.
I'm thinking that menopause is the right term for this. Your periods just pause for a bit...they don't ever stop.
Sure, we can keep the terminology "menopause" in the queue of the grand scale of our menstrual cycles, but we need to be clear that after all is said and done there are these final stages.
Menostopitjuststopit! and MenoIcan'tbeleiveI'mbuyingtamponsateightyyearsold
Friday, September 8, 2017
show and tell
Sorry regular readers I am hijacking my own blog this morning for some show and tell for my physical therapist's. Yup that's plural cause my pelvis is so &%$#@ up unique it needs its own entourage.
N-
It's Thursday night at 9:50 pm and I am just now feeling better. While wed session didn't flare up the groin pain this week, its sure making my back scream bloody murder. LOL.
picture one - original injury 12-25-1993
picture two - check up x-ray of repair job early 1994
picture 3 - cat-scan June 2017
picture 4 - still from cat-scan - hips/sockets
picture 5 - the reason why my back is screaming bloody murder Dx'd with herniated disks L4/L5/S1 in 1992, and it has just deteriorated over the years. I typically keep my back in neutral position or it makes my back spasm/cramp like crazy. Do you love that starburst from the plate/screws? which will make MRI-ing the groin pain area challenging/impossible?
picture 6 - the spot on the cat-scan where the groin pain is. Your looking at my left hip/side view. if you go to where the cursor is on the picture and go to the right a bit the abdominal wall goes down and looks like it is split in two. Follow it down to where it goes back together that triangular shape under it (above the horizontal black line - which is the distortion from the metal plate sitting on the pubic bone) is where the pain is.
I have a copy of the CT if you are interested in seeing it.
The rest of my readers can get a copy and play Dr. House for the low price of just 23 payments of $19.95.
N-
It's Thursday night at 9:50 pm and I am just now feeling better. While wed session didn't flare up the groin pain this week, its sure making my back scream bloody murder. LOL.
picture one - original injury 12-25-1993
picture two - check up x-ray of repair job early 1994
picture 3 - cat-scan June 2017
picture 4 - still from cat-scan - hips/sockets
picture 5 - the reason why my back is screaming bloody murder Dx'd with herniated disks L4/L5/S1 in 1992, and it has just deteriorated over the years. I typically keep my back in neutral position or it makes my back spasm/cramp like crazy. Do you love that starburst from the plate/screws? which will make MRI-ing the groin pain area challenging/impossible?
picture 6 - the spot on the cat-scan where the groin pain is. Your looking at my left hip/side view. if you go to where the cursor is on the picture and go to the right a bit the abdominal wall goes down and looks like it is split in two. Follow it down to where it goes back together that triangular shape under it (above the horizontal black line - which is the distortion from the metal plate sitting on the pubic bone) is where the pain is.
I have a copy of the CT if you are interested in seeing it.
The rest of my readers can get a copy and play Dr. House for the low price of just 23 payments of $19.95.
"That's not too bad." SI discussion
My daughter graciously lets me be a member on her chat server. I am not about to allow my 10 year old free range on the internet. The members know I am her mother and "an old person."
They feel free to tag me if I need to be aware of stuff.
One such day I was summoned to the board.
I usually just read along and don't comment unless need/asked. Partly because I am old and slow and can't type that fast anymore.
This night one teen member was upset and had been drinking.
She was bragging about how much she had been drinking and then posted a graphic picture of her arm that had a two inch scratch on it.
She: "I ended up scratching myself."
other poster: "That's not too bad."
I cringed. Ugh, dude. that is the worst thing you can say to a self injurer. They are hurting and showing you the proof. They are exposing there soul! They are looking for validation and help all in one bloody scream...and you're blow them off by saying, "That's not too bad." Your words are devastating, hurtful and cruel.
Then I realized.
The other poster had no idea it was self inflicted.
People don't go around assuming others self injure. People don't recognize self inflicted injuries.
But it goes back even deeper then that.
We as a people have never been taught how to correctly respond to others pain.
Think about it. When a toddler falls the first thing the mother does is pick them up and tells them "You're okay. You're okay."
Mother applies bandage to scrapped knee, kisses it, "all better now."
Father to son after a bike riding lesson ends with a crash, "shake it off son."
We grow up being taught pain is ours, but it can be turned off by others at their will. Even more basically, if your wounded and in pain, get up and keep with the pack or the predators will pick you off.
One of the first times Richard knocked off my chair in therapy was when he looked at my scabbed arm and said with quiet compassion, "That looks like a lot of pain."
I use that now. Cause holy crap if a person is to a point that they are reaching for self injury as a coping skill, they are indeed in "a lot of pain."
It doesn't matter if they are covering in 3rd degree burns or have a paper cut. The act of self injury is what your should be responding too, not the wound.
It's not as easy as it sounds. Person one show up at the ER with 100 razor blade slices running up their arm. Person two shows up with a black eye and a bruise on their forehead. You can guess who is going to get more intensive treatment and make it pass the triage stage first?
I sought treatment for my burns when they were still little. Like the size of a pencil eraser. Got blown off by the medical staff. They kept increasing in size until I found the magical size that got the attention of the staff. I might not have such large burn scars now if my tiny ones had been taken seriously from the get go.
There is no easy answer to this dilemma. You can't assume an injury is self inflicted....and in certain cases you can't assume its not.
When people ask about my large burn scar on my arm, I can say honestly. "I burned it."
They usually follow up with, "How?"
This shows their minds are not even going the self injury route.
I answer back, "I. burned. it."
Reaching back to the conversation with the self injurer on the chat channel. Before I could even get my brain into response mode, the conversation direction shifted. The girl shut down and closed off.
As most self injures do when there pain is ignored/not seen.
I believe in this day and age of online chats groups, that starting in middle school, the kids should be given the knowledge on how to do age appropriate online support. So when faced with something like this they can have some skills to fall back on.
After a summer of reading their chats, I can tell you kids are reaching out and trying to get help from their peers. I have seen they trying to support each other though anxiety attacks, depression, drinking, suicidal thoughts, etc, ect. The want and need to support each other is there.
They feel free to tag me if I need to be aware of stuff.
One such day I was summoned to the board.
I usually just read along and don't comment unless need/asked. Partly because I am old and slow and can't type that fast anymore.
This night one teen member was upset and had been drinking.
She was bragging about how much she had been drinking and then posted a graphic picture of her arm that had a two inch scratch on it.
She: "I ended up scratching myself."
other poster: "That's not too bad."
I cringed. Ugh, dude. that is the worst thing you can say to a self injurer. They are hurting and showing you the proof. They are exposing there soul! They are looking for validation and help all in one bloody scream...and you're blow them off by saying, "That's not too bad." Your words are devastating, hurtful and cruel.
Then I realized.
The other poster had no idea it was self inflicted.
People don't go around assuming others self injure. People don't recognize self inflicted injuries.
But it goes back even deeper then that.
We as a people have never been taught how to correctly respond to others pain.
Think about it. When a toddler falls the first thing the mother does is pick them up and tells them "You're okay. You're okay."
Mother applies bandage to scrapped knee, kisses it, "all better now."
Father to son after a bike riding lesson ends with a crash, "shake it off son."
We grow up being taught pain is ours, but it can be turned off by others at their will. Even more basically, if your wounded and in pain, get up and keep with the pack or the predators will pick you off.
One of the first times Richard knocked off my chair in therapy was when he looked at my scabbed arm and said with quiet compassion, "That looks like a lot of pain."
I use that now. Cause holy crap if a person is to a point that they are reaching for self injury as a coping skill, they are indeed in "a lot of pain."
It doesn't matter if they are covering in 3rd degree burns or have a paper cut. The act of self injury is what your should be responding too, not the wound.
It's not as easy as it sounds. Person one show up at the ER with 100 razor blade slices running up their arm. Person two shows up with a black eye and a bruise on their forehead. You can guess who is going to get more intensive treatment and make it pass the triage stage first?
I sought treatment for my burns when they were still little. Like the size of a pencil eraser. Got blown off by the medical staff. They kept increasing in size until I found the magical size that got the attention of the staff. I might not have such large burn scars now if my tiny ones had been taken seriously from the get go.
There is no easy answer to this dilemma. You can't assume an injury is self inflicted....and in certain cases you can't assume its not.
When people ask about my large burn scar on my arm, I can say honestly. "I burned it."
They usually follow up with, "How?"
This shows their minds are not even going the self injury route.
I answer back, "I. burned. it."
Reaching back to the conversation with the self injurer on the chat channel. Before I could even get my brain into response mode, the conversation direction shifted. The girl shut down and closed off.
As most self injures do when there pain is ignored/not seen.
I believe in this day and age of online chats groups, that starting in middle school, the kids should be given the knowledge on how to do age appropriate online support. So when faced with something like this they can have some skills to fall back on.
After a summer of reading their chats, I can tell you kids are reaching out and trying to get help from their peers. I have seen they trying to support each other though anxiety attacks, depression, drinking, suicidal thoughts, etc, ect. The want and need to support each other is there.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Employee of the month
There are many things in this world that you should never turn your back on. The tide, bonfires, angry bulls and night shifts with ballot boxes.
Oh the wicked wicked fun we used to have on the night shift at HIHO. Heh...and someday when the statues of limitations has run out I will tell you all about it.
It was 7 people alone with 8 1/2 hours worth of time and only 5 of it needed to do the job. We filled with rest of the time with various things to keep our selves awake.
We read, wrote, talked, did group therapy and psych experiments on each other and got into mischief.
Once, I came up the hall from my lunch break to find the rest of the night shift stifling hyena type laughter, while scribbling furiously on little pieces of paper.
"what are you up to" I commented placing my jacket on my chair.
Terry looked up. "we're voting on employee of the month."
They all cackled like witches over the brew.
Liz glanced up and filled me in. "you saw the new employee of the month parking spot they are making out front?"
I nodded. Couldn't miss it. They were designating the prized closest spot to the building for the employee of the month.
"Well we thought it would be funny if the first person who could use it, didn't have a car!"
I laughed at the simple irony that would create.
"That is brilliant! Who are you stuffing the ballot box for?" I smiled reaching for my pen to help.
Liz glanced back up over her glasses, "You."
It took us all a good 10 minutes to stop laughing.
The entire night shift deserved and Oscar for there "wow! Paja won?!" surprised performance at the all staff in-service when they announced the winner that month.
It took all my concentration not to heeHAW out loud as I accepted the award because, in the wake of the applause as I approached the administrator, I head the bossy boots of the day shift comment "she doesn't even HAVE a car!!"
My little employee of the month plaque lived in the kitchen drawer out on the farm for years. It always provoked giggles when I would come across it and the memory would surface.
Many years later when I was legitimately honored as employee of the month at RG I couldn't even attend the presentation. There was just no way I could have done that without collapsing into a hysterical belly laughing heap on the floor....besides, it wasn't right for me to get that award...I had a car.
Oh the wicked wicked fun we used to have on the night shift at HIHO. Heh...and someday when the statues of limitations has run out I will tell you all about it.
It was 7 people alone with 8 1/2 hours worth of time and only 5 of it needed to do the job. We filled with rest of the time with various things to keep our selves awake.
We read, wrote, talked, did group therapy and psych experiments on each other and got into mischief.
Once, I came up the hall from my lunch break to find the rest of the night shift stifling hyena type laughter, while scribbling furiously on little pieces of paper.
"what are you up to" I commented placing my jacket on my chair.
Terry looked up. "we're voting on employee of the month."
They all cackled like witches over the brew.
Liz glanced up and filled me in. "you saw the new employee of the month parking spot they are making out front?"
I nodded. Couldn't miss it. They were designating the prized closest spot to the building for the employee of the month.
"Well we thought it would be funny if the first person who could use it, didn't have a car!"
I laughed at the simple irony that would create.
"That is brilliant! Who are you stuffing the ballot box for?" I smiled reaching for my pen to help.
Liz glanced back up over her glasses, "You."
It took us all a good 10 minutes to stop laughing.
The entire night shift deserved and Oscar for there "wow! Paja won?!" surprised performance at the all staff in-service when they announced the winner that month.
It took all my concentration not to heeHAW out loud as I accepted the award because, in the wake of the applause as I approached the administrator, I head the bossy boots of the day shift comment "she doesn't even HAVE a car!!"
My little employee of the month plaque lived in the kitchen drawer out on the farm for years. It always provoked giggles when I would come across it and the memory would surface.
Many years later when I was legitimately honored as employee of the month at RG I couldn't even attend the presentation. There was just no way I could have done that without collapsing into a hysterical belly laughing heap on the floor....besides, it wasn't right for me to get that award...I had a car.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
When is it okay to ask about someones scars?
For FIFTH time this summer I have been asked by a medical professional about my scars while in a vulnerable position.
*adds, 'blogging about when it IS appropriate to ask abuse survivors about their scars', to my list of things to do today.*
This is going to sound a tad bit hostile, and that because I'm a bit stirred up about it. I will make nice in another post and do a polite one.
Then again maybe not.
This why I speak up about self injury! For the love of pete if I was not as well wrapped as I am this would have triggered the hell out of me!
Medical professionals: please listen.
CLOSELY
The number one most common denominator among self injurers is a history of sexual abuse!!
Self injury is about control. (I determine when and where I feel pain)
Self injury is deep pain speaking in blood. Pain so deep it can't be translated into words.
Self injures can be very self conscious of their scars. Going to a doctor and having them be revealed during an exam is a threatening, terrifying, nauseating, anxiety provoking thought. Terrifying enough to stop people from seeking medical help.
So when you ask someone who is 1/2 naked, laying on a table, while you are standing over them and or touching them YOU ARE VIOLATING ALL FOUR OF THE THINGS LISTED ABOVE!
YOU MAYBE THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER SEE THESE SCARS!!
What you need to do is take note of them and then AFTER they are dressed again and you are BOTH sitting at a even level, ask about them.
But NOT like this:
"So tell me about your scars."
Just because you have an MD after your name doesn't mean you get to have access to painful memories via a quick icepick lobotomy to satisfy your curiosity. Don't violate the person.
Ask gently. "May I ask about your scars?"
If they say no, BACKTHEHELLOFF it's okay to follow up with, "This is a safe place if you ever want to talk about them."
Plant the seed of trust and openness, by just making yourself available.
Years ago the orthopedic doctor who repaired my pelvis did it SPOT ON:
Dr Namechangedforprivacy shut the door to my room and paused for second, then took a deep breath and come over and sat on the edge of my hospital bed. It was 4 hours after surgery and I was finally awake enough to talk to him.
"I saw your scars during surgery and I wanted to talk to you about them." He said quietly, gesturing to my abdomen. "can you tell me what happened?"
I took in a ragged breath and launched into the story.
He just wanted to make sure I was not in danger or in an abusive situation.
"I saw your scars during surgery and I wanted to talk to you about them." He said quietly, gesturing to my abdomen. "can you tell me what happened?"
I took in a ragged breath and launched into the story.
He just wanted to make sure I was not in danger or in an abusive situation.
So I know it can be done!
DO IT!
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Skipping stone
This story is for Butter.
Iye cant sweep...wets see if Dogdancing will tells me a bedtime storewee.
Dog?
She stirs and opens her dark sapphire eyes. "hello little one."
You has bin sweeping. Iye can't sweep. Wills you tells mes a bedtime story?
"Very well, come, young one" she says opening her arms to invite her in.
When the wiggling has ceased, and the little one was all eyes, she begin.
"In the forest there are guardians like me. Made from jagged stones, crumbled rocks of uneven sizes, all crammed together and molded by a life time of pain. But did you know there are other rocks in the forest? Rocks found on the banks of the river, and the shores of the ponds.
Flat ones. Smooth ones. They are special ones, made for one purpose. They're skipping stones.
So special that people hunt a life time for the perfect one. Combing through the rocks for just the right one.
It has to fit just so in your hand....and feel right.
These rocks are shaped by movement, time, and knowing what is right. Much like guardians they too are not born, they are made.
Year after year they tumble and tussle with the seasons waiting for that special day someone comes searching for them.
When the time is right someone will come. They will slowly and carefully go along the shore and pick up rock after rock and hold them in there hand, each heart beat asking, ...is this the one?
Is this the one that is right for this purpose? To skip across the water? Will this one make it all the way across? Will it fly just so?
The goal to effortlessly soar over the water touching it every so often only to set ripples in motion as it skips across.
Some make it across to clatterly rejoin their brethren on the other side. Others fold under the water and take their ripples to the bottom.
...and some...some have legs. They walk among us and fling themselves where they are needed. Sending out ripples that are far reaching. You can't find them easily. They must be hunted for and found.
And sometimes they find you.
You are blessed if a skipping stone flings themselves for you. Pay attention to the ripples they leave on your life."
Dogdancing closed her eyes and leaned back. "They are known to fling themselves at monsters to protect others."
Hows do day have the courage to do dat?
Dogdancing smiled as she hugged her tighter, "little one, it isn't courage that gives them the strength...Skipping stones have pure hearts."
How they det pure hearts?
Dog pulled the blanket up and tucked little one in. "I already told you. movement, time, and knowing what is right."
Iye cant sweep...wets see if Dogdancing will tells me a bedtime storewee.
Dog?
She stirs and opens her dark sapphire eyes. "hello little one."
You has bin sweeping. Iye can't sweep. Wills you tells mes a bedtime story?
She smiles. "You wish to hear a forest story?"
oh yes!
"Very well, come, young one" she says opening her arms to invite her in.
When the wiggling has ceased, and the little one was all eyes, she begin.
"In the forest there are guardians like me. Made from jagged stones, crumbled rocks of uneven sizes, all crammed together and molded by a life time of pain. But did you know there are other rocks in the forest? Rocks found on the banks of the river, and the shores of the ponds.
Flat ones. Smooth ones. They are special ones, made for one purpose. They're skipping stones.
So special that people hunt a life time for the perfect one. Combing through the rocks for just the right one.
It has to fit just so in your hand....and feel right.
These rocks are shaped by movement, time, and knowing what is right. Much like guardians they too are not born, they are made.
Year after year they tumble and tussle with the seasons waiting for that special day someone comes searching for them.
When the time is right someone will come. They will slowly and carefully go along the shore and pick up rock after rock and hold them in there hand, each heart beat asking, ...is this the one?
Is this the one that is right for this purpose? To skip across the water? Will this one make it all the way across? Will it fly just so?
The goal to effortlessly soar over the water touching it every so often only to set ripples in motion as it skips across.
Some make it across to clatterly rejoin their brethren on the other side. Others fold under the water and take their ripples to the bottom.
...and some...some have legs. They walk among us and fling themselves where they are needed. Sending out ripples that are far reaching. You can't find them easily. They must be hunted for and found.
And sometimes they find you.
You are blessed if a skipping stone flings themselves for you. Pay attention to the ripples they leave on your life."
Dogdancing closed her eyes and leaned back. "They are known to fling themselves at monsters to protect others."
Hows do day have the courage to do dat?
Dogdancing smiled as she hugged her tighter, "little one, it isn't courage that gives them the strength...Skipping stones have pure hearts."
How they det pure hearts?
Dog pulled the blanket up and tucked little one in. "I already told you. movement, time, and knowing what is right."
Monday, August 7, 2017
surrender
okay life you win. Ima just gunna lie here and let you trample me into the dirt.
Since you have taken my legs, I just can't get up anymore.
Seriously, this fucking heat is killing me. I have had nose bleeds the last 4 days from having the AC going.
Since you have taken my legs, I just can't get up anymore.
Seriously, this fucking heat is killing me. I have had nose bleeds the last 4 days from having the AC going.
I hear people say "I'm at the end of my rope." and I have always wondered 'how did you luck out to be given a rope?'
all I have is a worn out 3 inch piece of frayed yarn that has multiple knots in it from being tied together. Its limp, damp and slips through my hands, there is nothing to hold onto.
P-doc wants to put me on an antidepressant. We just had a disastrous 3 day attempt at trying Neurontin again. It increased my appetite, made me fat and hostile.
but it took away my nerve pain.
You bastard, taunting me with pain relief, but turning my head into a monster.
I don't even have the guts to try an antidepressant again. fuck.
I can't risk anymore weight gain.
I am battling with my selves as it is. Humans can live 3 weeks without food...since I can't exercise, my mind is coming up with the only viable weight loss solution. Starve it off.
Its not like I am going to miss anything, since I can't taste anything anyway.
Crabby, can't sleep, headache, bloody nose...and the ever constant pain.
just....done today.
and maybe tomorrow too.
just....done today.
and maybe tomorrow too.
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