Brain disintegrating
emotions bleeding like over watered paint
smearing into a murky brown as it drips down and fills the hole
my life has created
I'm broken
broken
No way back
no way to fill the crack
so much unspoken
unspoken
Pain deteriorating
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Friday, November 16, 2018
Cleaning house
Been cleaning my house and reorganizing it. Found the perfect place to store the boy for the winter.
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Sunday, November 11, 2018
Friday, November 9, 2018
too old for this ....
If only "weight loss" was a side effect of stress.
after the last two weeks I would be 97#
Missing child
paycheck bouncing
gack….
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Holiday season is here, or as I like to call it, Suicidal thoughts kick my ass season
I like to pretend the steroids. chronic pain , depression, PTSD, incurable illness's, menopause hormone fluctuations, obesity, advanced age, chronic sleep deprivation are what is making me a raging bitch...but I am beginning to think that under all that I may just be natively an asshole.
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Something non-self injurers need to realize is...
that this is a first aid kit.
And that may be the only thing that keeps our lives safe and intact.
If we are reaching for our first aid kit, that means our lives are a muther-fuckin-shit-show and all we can do to regain control of it, is to make ourselves hurt more then all the other pain around us.
Injuring is a brain re-boot. It helps us dissociate from everything. Grounds us, distances us from the mental/emotional pain. It stops time, and allows us catch our breath. quite literally to "cut our selves free."
It deposits us into another headspace, a familiar one that occupies us as we wrestle within about the self injury ...and what caused it. Not a healthy coping skill, but damn it, it works. We must slowly unlearn it.
One step in the healing process is to develop better coping skills so we have something else to reach for instead.
Removing completely a self injurer's "first aid" kit before they have created and learned to rely on healthy coping skills will be disastrous. Forbidding them to self injure is equally damaging.
Initial steps should be to learn to identify triggers and urges. Learning to voice aloud the pressure to injure. Dealing with self injury when one is in crisis is pointless. Unless they have learned and practiced healthy coping skills, asking a self injure to stop and try a healthy coping skill when they have the blade in their hand is like taking someone 500 meters under water and beginning to teach them how to scuba dive.
Therapist need to understand that if they forbid their self injuring client to harm themselves with a non-injuring contract, they are just becoming another abuser.
Trust must be established first.
Having their client self injure under their care isn't a sign of no progress. Healing is a gradual process. Expect the self injury to continue as clients work through the underlying issues.
The last step should be to dismantle the first aid kit. It should never be the first.
And that may be the only thing that keeps our lives safe and intact.
If we are reaching for our first aid kit, that means our lives are a muther-fuckin-shit-show and all we can do to regain control of it, is to make ourselves hurt more then all the other pain around us.
Injuring is a brain re-boot. It helps us dissociate from everything. Grounds us, distances us from the mental/emotional pain. It stops time, and allows us catch our breath. quite literally to "cut our selves free."
It deposits us into another headspace, a familiar one that occupies us as we wrestle within about the self injury ...and what caused it. Not a healthy coping skill, but damn it, it works. We must slowly unlearn it.
One step in the healing process is to develop better coping skills so we have something else to reach for instead.
Removing completely a self injurer's "first aid" kit before they have created and learned to rely on healthy coping skills will be disastrous. Forbidding them to self injure is equally damaging.
Initial steps should be to learn to identify triggers and urges. Learning to voice aloud the pressure to injure. Dealing with self injury when one is in crisis is pointless. Unless they have learned and practiced healthy coping skills, asking a self injure to stop and try a healthy coping skill when they have the blade in their hand is like taking someone 500 meters under water and beginning to teach them how to scuba dive.
Therapist need to understand that if they forbid their self injuring client to harm themselves with a non-injuring contract, they are just becoming another abuser.
Trust must be established first.
Having their client self injure under their care isn't a sign of no progress. Healing is a gradual process. Expect the self injury to continue as clients work through the underlying issues.
The last step should be to dismantle the first aid kit. It should never be the first.
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