By Fives

****warning: massive pity party ahead - read on at your own risk****


By Fives

I was born on the kitchen table

tumbled down sixteen stairs

attempted suicide

and placed second in a beauty pageant

all before I turned five.

I've eaten yellow snow on a dare

snorted grape soda up my nose

melted army men on the stove

learned the secret to catching lightning

got lost in Disney Land

watched three of my brothers die

and froze my tongue to a stop sign pole

all before I turned ten.

I danced naked as snow fell in the redwoods

felt dirt shoveled down upon me

as Ro____ buried me alive

wore the jewels of the Princess of Lippy Germany

held seances in the dark

Disfigured Ri___'s face with a pickaxe

eaten fire and grazed like a cow

and completed a novel

all before I turned fifteen.

I've felt the hand of a demented man cuff me across the face

flunked English 121

discovered Halloween candy I hid when I was seven

stared deep into the emerald green eyes of a panther

her warm breath on mine

and held the hands of countless people as they have died

all before I turned twenty

I've delivered puppies in the backseat

while parked at Shop n' Kart

journeyed into the dreamtime

got lost again in Disney Land

grew hair on my neck

crushed myself in my car

kisses a hog

and hung candycanes in the forest

all before I turned twenty-five

I've danced sacred dances

with eagle feathers in my hair and doe's skin on mine

began dreaming in Japanese

taught my son the secret to catching lightning

felt the bay mare rear and flip....

caught her in my lap

and fell in love with my friend John

all before I turned thirty

I've nursed piglets

watched three friends die of brain tumors

pieced my nipple

castled kingside and opened a door to a whole new world

accepted a proposal in the park

joined the Russell clan

all before I turned thirty-five

I've switched my mind off and hybernated

got lost in cyberspace

sold my childhood on Ebay

gave birth to a son who almost died

got out of debt

and then right back in

all before I turned forty

I've been kissed by a sea lion

fought with my daughter

before she even left my uterous

swallowed radiation

got lost in Norrath

got lost in my own head again.

set sail on the seas of depression

all before I turned forty-five

Threw away my novel

Started a blog

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all before I turned fifty

(c) Jan 9, 1992


Since I wrote this in 1992 I have filled in each set of five as I reach that age.  I filled in the two for the current set yesterday. This "block" of five hasn't been very exciting. Its seemed like endless work-worry-parenting-struggling to survive.

"life goes on long after the thrill of living has gone" that quote by John Mellencamp is very relavant in my life.  There is not much left for me to experience or do. That feeds my depression and amplifies the suisidal/wanna give up feelings. When you add in the physical disabilities and the dwindling mobility, it leads to a sadness and helplessness.

I need to dream new dreams. New goals to set out for me to chase and obtain.

I would love to be out of debt and be able to afford Everquest subscriptions again. My monk was a kick ass killing machine and I enjoyed playing her. We played as a family. All of us having toons. Life in a virtual world somehow more platitable then reality. There I could run fast, kick, explore....be free. A place where death ment only a wait for a battle rez if the cleric survived.

I would love to take my kids and drive up and down the coast line and do all the touristy things there are too do.

Put memories in there hearts so that when I am gone there will something for them to hold onto.

We are going to my husbands grandfathers memorial on Friday. Oh the chance to see and hold family that lives too far away. To celebrate a good mans life. That will be such a blessing.

yeah I am blabbering today.

Depression is a fragement grenade in ones mind. A sucking muck that hold you back, pulls you down. Boohoo pity party.

The long hours, and strange sleep patterns wearing on me this week.

The anxiety and fear that my arm has worsed and is no longer healable.....you know if I had been allowed to handle my own treatment, I beleive I wouldn't be this f-ed up mess right now. We are nearing 8 weeks in.

My mind wants to classify this as a total loss, to match the trucks final report. To just accept that my arm is now much like the rest of me. That hence forth life will be even more physically painful.

Just accept it. Reset the "normal for P" to include a painful partially functional elbow. Then do what I do with the rest of my injuries. Just shut the hell up and keep on living.

********after thought.....Some of my greatest writing comes from this head space. Being "here" somehow opens my heart and I put to paper some of the most amazing things. Maybe that is what I need to do to channel this submerged headspace back to the surface. Tommorrow I will try it. To defect this mood through the aray and turn it to a strength.