Recoil

*SCRITCH*

In a curt motion I drag the match across the striker. It does not light.

*heavy sigh*

no magic words here today my friend.  I am unable to conjure up the magical world of words to dance at my beck an call. My lantern remains dark.


In the darkness I reach for your hand.  We will have to do this the old fashion way. I squeeze tightly. Ready?.


I feel you draw back, nestling into the familiar darkness and hidden fear.


The suction of the mind, soul numbing muck adds its resistance to the equation.


I lean back until the tension is vibrating between us. Then I leap backwards over your head and catapult us both over the edge of the nest.


We land with a thud on the ground.


You don't say anything but your eyes are angry...'why have you taken me backwards?' they ask.


Sometimes to go forward one must get a little momentum


I help you to your feet and we trudge on forward hand in hand. "You know what my friend? can I tell you a secret?"


Since you know I'm going to tell you anyways, you don't interrupt me with a response.


"I am 45 years old and I am still not sold on this life. I reserve the right to hold out to the very end. I will give you my review of life when I'm about to loose it."


For years I lived in a perfect Paradise and was too blind to see it.


I was always holding out for .....for what I don't know.


Something so crazily nuts that it blew my socks off? Light sirens? cymbal crashes? the world to stop spinning?


it has never come.


yet my soul is lite with the most brilliant light.


In sixth grade our class went on an overnight camp out. I knew my friend still struggled with bed wetting.


I awoke to her teeth chattering in the dark of the night. Her sleeping bag soaked. I woke her and unzipped by bag and we wrapped up the best we could in it.


She fell asleep on my shoulder, her secret safe with me.


I've been thinking about that night a lot lately. Wondering what gave me the strength to give, when at that time in my life everything was being taken from me.


When I was injured, in my twenties,  in a horse riding accident, my four year old niece gave me a small heart pillow and said "I gave it 1000 kisses for you, and 1000 hugs too"


that little cherub was in the middle of a nasty divorce.


I was floored.


how did she have the strength to give, when so much was being taken from her little life?


I expect a LOT from life, it has a lot to atone for! A lot to mend.


I AM BLAZINGLY ANGRY that I have to work for every blasted smile and scrap of happiness in my life.


EVERY SCRAP


I feel like everything tarnishes in my hands....that my internal darkness is too great to ever allow me to be happy and at peace.


yet here I am happy and at peace.


"wait...what?" You interject as I toss that Rubik cube at you. "stop tossing contradictory gobble gook at me!"


*SCRITCH*


In a curt motion I drag the match across the striker. Its tiny flame reveals my blue eyes.


Some of us drag around a weight behind us. It anchors us and holds us back. Its protects us from leaping ahead and cartwheeling through life.


It stops us from wishing, dreaming, hoping and accepting the glorious mysteries of this journey we are all on.


It adds a sense of heavy caution, makes us afraid to take chances and try stuff.


Just before the match goes out I light my lantern.


it greats you with its warm familiar light.


I ratchet back the giant wooden lever next to us.


You tense and remind me your wings are broken and tangled and bent. Then you ask where we are going.


We are going no where. I say. I want to show you how I move forwards when I am stuck.


"PULL" I say in my fake British accent.


The lever releases with a jerking powerful motion.


My lantern goes zipping off into the darkness in a giant arc.


*SCRITCH*

In a curt motion I drag the match across the striker. In the dim light you look at me puzzledly.


My lantern light isn't something that I carry with me.


Sometimes I am struggling in the dark and tripping over stuff. Sometimes I have the lantern to light the way. Sometimes I close my eyes and just say (delete) IT and just jump.
Sometimes the path is smooth and well lite.


We are all baby birds tossed from the nest.


just keep trudging along.


and know in your heart that weight that follows you around like an anchor, you know the one, that one that feels like all of lives burdens. Yeah that one....You get to choose if its your wings...or an undeployed parachute.


I enjoy immensely sharing this lives journey with you. Watching it unfold and cheering for you on the sidelines. Catching glimpses of your lantern light and how you choose to shine.


For years I lived in a perfect Paradise and was too blind to see it.


I was always holding out for .....for what I don't know.


Something so crazily nuts that it blew my socks off? Light sirens? cymbal crashes? the world to stop spinning?


don't need that any longer. My heart is content with the love of a wonderful man and the quiet gently smiles life slides in to make my heart sing.


I ratchet back the giant wooden lever next to us.


My parting words are barely audible over the lever recoil that sends me sailing out head over heals into life.


peace be the journey....