....a forced break.
My neck is having issues and the nerve pain in my arms has gone ballistic....Both arms are burning most of the day. I am going to try to stay off the computer for a week. See if I can't get the pain levels back in control. They re-x-rayed my neck this morning at my doctors appt, to see if the degeneration has changed any since 3 years ago. ( was listed as moderate/severe then)
They also started me on Lyrica for the nerve pain. ....its a cousin of Neurontin that had adverse side effects on my head a few years back....so we shall see. I am willing to try ANYTHING at this point to get the burning nerve pain back under control.
So I'm adding limited computer time to my summer changes already in place. I will make an exception for our four man Baldur's Gate no-reload trilogy scheduled every Sat morning....a girl has to get in her gaming time!
Sitting at the computer blogging for hours is not a good thing for my neck right now. We shall see how long I can live without blogging. I have really REALLY enjoyed the extra free time to write this month. Lots of stories in the works.
Last night I wrote this, but then didn't post it. Its a short testy documentary of what burning nerve pain will do to me. Um, yeah...I get a little bitchy. heh, see you all in a week.
* * * * TRIGGER WARNING* * * *
My physical pain tonight is 10/10. I have an appointment in the morning to get help. I am feeling INCREDIBELY HOSTILE AND ANGERY. I want to hurt my selves in all sorts of ways to try to get away from the pain. Yeah...that doesn't make more sense, but that is how SIV works....
My neck arthritis flared up last week, I have neuropathy goes down both arms causing my arms to BURN LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER from armpit to wrists. Its incredibly painful. If I had insurance or a job I would be in the ER right now begging for them to be amputated.
Normally I can deal with the chronic pain but I also aggravated the low back/pelvic issues as well a week ago when I added a easy exercise routine. I am hurting in too many places to ignore. I am falling apart and it pisses me off.
I have tried to blog twice today to just refocus my head, but its too had to type with my arms/hands numb.
I have pain in the hip, neck, back, and legs, and now in my arms/shoulders. Can hardly lift the left one above my head outward at an angle beyond straight out from my side without a searing pain. I am gonna call it stress induced. Has to be. Why else would all this have started a few years back with no cause yet to be found? I don't have the more visceral thoughts of self-abuse you do because of it, but man...some nights, like last night, I just lay here and say...Christ...I have what...10-25 more years of THIS!?!?
ReplyDeleteThe urge to injure that night is simple to explain. The pain was too much....it was at a KILL ME NOW level. The pain was so loud my brain was threatening to go off line. My ability to cope with it was gone. So why would one want to inflict even more pain with an injury?
DeleteIts all about control. I can't control the pain I currently am in, no one can SEE the pain I am in, so its easy for them blow it off. An injury would release chemicals in my brain and self medicate my self, would cause me to dissociate and numb all the pain, and would focus on one spot on my body, and most important would give me the illusion that I have some control.
I didn't injure. I took aspirn, had ice on my neck so long that i got freezer burn on my neck and wrote endlessly for hours trying to self distract. (omg you should see what thoughts crawl out of my writers pail when my pain is off the charts wow!)
With you, I imagine its even more painful/frustrating not knowing the case. Do not allow anyone to tell you its in your head. Or that it isn't there. Pain is personal, as well as how your mind reacts to it.
DeleteYour body has been dodging punches non stopped for several years now. Don't you feel like you are ALWAYS on guard? That you can't relax, fully and completely EVER? Your already flinching awaiting the next blow.
One could argue that you are in an abusive relationship. That your day to day dealing with your son, are not unlike what a battered spouse would live with. There is no out in this case. Even though you mind wants to deperately NOT be in this situation, you can't change it. Add in a healthy dose of chronic pain...and you have the perfect storm. miserable within and miserable without.
What balances it out for you? Where in all this do you have time to breath and decompress? I worry about you. I pick up an under current in your writing that is shouting an unspoken voice. That writer is chained and kept in check. One who would say more if no one was reading, and the concern of how peple viewed you wasn't relevant.
You say: "but man...some nights, like last night, I just lay here and say...Christ...I have what...10-25 more years of THIS!?!?"
So how do you cope? For that matter how do I cope? When it comes to the pain, its small goals, I no longer look that far ahead. I don't like what I see that far ahead. Its not pleasant.
The doc always encourages me to exersise. DUDE. doesn't it count just dragging around this broken failing body? No it doesn't. And I have noted all these years that muscle work will trigger body memories and induce flashbacks to abuse in my childhood. Muscles have a memory. What workes for me is doing something ELSE with my muscles that is not the usual routine. It frees them from the tense "dukes up mode" and provides a deeper release.
Think I am nuts? try it. Look up basic ballet moves and for 15 min tonight do them. Take your muscles out of there ridged ground in routine and see how they react. Turn on some music you don't listsen to normally and make up dances with B. Think back to childhood games you played outside with siblings/friends. Take C outside and play them. Flashlight tag anyone?
Will it cure you? oh hell no, and your going to hurt more he next day, but it feeds your mind with good things vs the daily lash of the chronic pain whip.
Today my pain level is REALLY REALLY bad, but my mind is not bitter its filled with happiness from going swimming with my kids. It gives me a little repreive from the pain, and thats enough to keep me fighting. I accept this pain today because it came at the cost of having fun. As when I do nothing and am still in pain its hard to swallow.
Find what works for you. Rediscover your inner fun. It will help balance the pain out. All pain and no pleasure = a heart breaking life, and more damaging pain.
My sister just sent me this in regards to my edema. Makes since.
"Your swelling could be your body recovering from your stress overload. You know how a person eventually collapses after major marathon events? The toxins aren't being eliminated through the normal channels...liver, kidneys and skin...so the lymph system can back up. Look up lymphodema and natural treatments. Like dry brushing your skin and massage. Sleep, sleep and then take a nap. Relax and recover."
Your in a marathon with no forseable finish line.
Stop and take time to catch your breath.
Peace be the journey
Paja
I copied this and saved it and am going to do...something with it. Lots of good info here.
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