death

TRIGGER WARNING

Its now been 18 hours since I wrote the drivel I'm about to post. I have gotten some sleep and it has helped a little bit. I still feel irritated and hostile, but I think that's normal for me an more. Some questions rolling around in my head today. Am I in the right job? Do I need to find one with different hours so I can get the kids off to school? Can my body hold up? Am I too old to do this job anymore. I am feeling the onset of the winter weather as the cool nights settle in my joints and aggravate my arthritic old bones.

I think of my neighbor who worked as a cashier though her chemo treatments, never missing a day. How do people do that? What gives them the strength to keep going? I do not have that strength. I feel like my body is failing me. That I'm an old race horse being ridden hard with the whip cutting into my sweaty flanks.

I went shopping today and got food. I am hoping eating better will help me recover from this head/chest cold. I am on day number 11 of snot and coughing up phlemmy blobs of goop.

I try not to post the really whiney temper tantrums here....but figured what the hell. After purging my rage last night I took an Ativan and went to bed.

Here's a peak into my darkness last night.

TRIGGER WARNING:


every have days you just wanna die? When life holds nothing for you, and your done. Really done.
Where a terminal diagnosis would make you sigh with relief that this is all over?

gaah...fighting that head space these days. Its not winter rolling in, or the onset of the cold weather. Its just...I'm done. I'm ready to die. I am tired of living. So tired of living. Tired of fighting to exist, to be here on this planet, to continue to move forward.

I don't even have the strength to care that I don't care. I am having visions of running away and killing my selves.  Its never any good when I go straight to wanting to be dead vs wanting to hurt my self.

I don't even care.

Life just is so overwhelming right now that I want to check out.

Trying to work with my son to get caught up and back on track with school work. A 12 year battle with him. He will not learn from me. Trust me I have tried. Middle school has handed him more responsibility then he can handle, and he's fighting me to do the 70 min of homework each night.

Know what? I don't give a shit any more. I have been fighting him for 8 years now about school work. Its a no win battle. I should just let him quit and teach him how to make meth and get him hooked up with some crack heads and drop him and a sleeping bag off under the over pass.

crappy mother of the year, yeah I know, gun to my temple blow my brains out just to get away from my life. Can't even take care of me.

waaaah, freaking pity party. Sick now for 10 days. Can you tell its eroding my sanity? Two hours of sleep today, great recipe for making me a bitch.

How do I help my son? His speech is deteriorating again too.

I worry about him. He has a genetic "gun" pointed at his head that is a constant issue that I worry about. Makes me question if any of this is worth it? Is all this tension and heartbreak moot in the end?

Fuck me. Two hours of sleep and over a week of snotty head cold-hacking up globs of phlem and I am sooooooo crabby.

No wonder death looks so inviting. done. so. done. burnt out. fried crispy burnt out.

no gun to kill my self with. Not enough drugs to OD with. Husband has the truck for that is not an option. Guess my only escape tonight is sleep. If the world was a benevolent place, I will die peacefully in my sleep tonight of crabby-ass-itis.

I don't feel good and I can't take care of my family. It makes me want to claw my skin off my face....smash my head in with a crow bar. I'm failing right and left, my guts spilled out getting tangled around my feet, tripping me, falling in the bloody gore, too weak to get back up.

Can't shake the thought that killing my self would help my children. Maybe there next mother would be better then me. She would be able to reach and help them.

gawd, I just re-read over this vomit, and I think I might be a tad bit depressed on top of everything else. Ativan on tap and to bed in 30 minutes, before I do something stupid. I have a lab appointment in the morning to see if my thyroid if off again. (ya think?)

barf.

bed, I am going to bed soon.

hope I don't wake up.