old enough

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I totally feel like blogging some fantastic story, turning the inner writer off her leash and getting lost in a story for hours. But its so hard to sit here in this pain and focus.
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When I was injured in the OJI that ended my career as a CNA, The orthopedic doctor came in and sat next to on the exam table.

Right away I knew the news was bad.

You sit with the patients when you are about to club them with bad news.

Shit.

He explained the results of my MRI and told me I quote. "Your too young to do anything surgical with  this injury." He paused then hopped off the table and added. "Your going to be in a lot of pain, your just going to have to learn to live with it. Your too young to medicate for the pain."

Oh, I see...that's good to know.

I have waited patently as the years have passed to be "old enough."

This magical age where I will not have to beg for pain meds and muscle relaxers.

Each year the pain increases and I limp forward. There are days the pain is crippling. Days jumping in front of traffic would hurt less then what my body is feeling.

I take my aspirin.

I struggle.

and I get bitter and angry.

Damn it...I will be 49 in a few days, please tell me that is the magic number. That I will be old enough to finally be able to get the medication that will ease my suffering.

And that orthopedic doctor that delivered that cheer news to me...

He took a cast saw to his neck and ended his pain a few years after that.  His depression and physical pain consuming him till he broke.

He knew. He new the hell I was in as he was in it too.

That bastard.

My left sacral iliac joint has been burning non stopped for the last 3 days. That sensation always precedes it slipping out of alignment. Its a matter of time before it will set my whole back "off" and I will be rendered immobile.

I always think of old Doc C and the cast saw when my SI joint hurts like this. How long did he linger with the running saw in his hand before he put it too his neck?

How much pain is too much?

I also think of Doc R and his prediction that I will be in a w/c by the time I am 50.

It makes me struggle to my feet. Not yet...not yet Doc R...I'm not old enough yet.

I have an appointment to make the annual winter pilgrimage to beg for help, to see if I am old enough yet.

All I am asking for is "1/2" a Vicodin for those days the pain is so great I want to put a cast saw to my neck. That is all.

Or a new spine/pelvis...either one would be fine with me.