Giving up already this year (rewind - unpublished blog from January)

I wrote this in January of this year, published it then reverted back to draft. Decided to save you from a whinny tantrum.  I am once again dealing with the unpublished blogs in the draft folder. I must either attempt to finish or delete them.

This one caught my eye.

In this summer, non-depressed head space this blog makes me laugh. The dark humor coming through easily. It also amazes me just how rich my writing can be even when I am depressed as shit.

I have another month or two before I slowly return to those depths of darkness and despair.

I made another attempt, this summer, at juggling my meds to find that magical combo that will both keep my head at bay and ease the pain. After 7 days I had to stop due to increased irritability. For seven days though....glorious pain freeness....

It may come down to that. Suffer as long as I can then a week on the nerve pain meds to give me a break, then stop them before the side effects turn deadly.

At this point I am just going to have to be happy with that.

(again this was written back in January 2015)

******* TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANGRY PAIN INDUCED PITY PARTY *******
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I made it 6 days on the Lyrica. It does dull my pain a little.

But it increases my appetite a LOT.

I would rather be in pain and under 180 pounds then, be pain free and over 180.

Hate my body.

Have always hated it. Hate it even worse now that I've aged and its fallen apart under me.  Been dealing peri-menopausal SHIT for a while now. My body hasn't had a period since October 2014.

Instead of periods I have weird ass symptoms the week my period should have been.

oh goody.

Let me tell you just HOW much I am enjoying this.

NOT ONE FUCKING BIT.

They are right when they term this the "change of life." ......its changing me into a MEAN ASS BITCH! WHO DOESNT' GIVE A SHIT.

and that's on a good day.

Never been sold on this living crap anyway...this is just another stick to the eye. 

"Your period will stop and go away as you hit menopause." that's what I've been told my whole life. UM, they forgot to mention that you also loose your mind as your hormone levels fall.

 Effects of low estrogen: " Feeling overly emotional, experiencing depression, anger and irritability, or having anxiety and social withdrawal may be present."

According to that list, I've been running on low estrogen my whole life....imagine (JUST IMAGINE) how much more chaotic this will make me.

I'm just raging today. No Lyrica to dull the pain has it through the roof today. A night of no sleep.

Muscle weakness to a point it has taken me all day to wash the dishes and start the laundry.

Done....fried crispy done. Don't even want to go to the doctors. I know she won't give me a hospice referral, or enough drugs to off my selves.

That is what I want tonight. An end to the pain.

Nope, not afraid of dying at all.

...afraid of not dying fast enough. Left here to linger in pain, long after I am done. And I am done.