Burden

I think I have blogged about this before, not sure though. It's on my mind again.

Woke up this morning after a hectic stretch of 11 days with nutty-off scheduled sleep, sighed and said aloud to my self "common get up, you have to do something...like those dishes." (which were many).

Sleepy husband opens his eyes and says, "you might have less to do then you think."

That dear man has stayed up last night after I went to bed and washed the dishes for me.

A gift, which I was, am very grateful for.

My body is every so slowly loosing functioning. The undiagnosed medical issue is eroding my ability to do all they physical stuff I used to be able to do.

We ran lab work this month and FINALLY there reflecting a problem. Have been referred to an rheumatologist to see if we can't finally find out what is going on.  Waiting on that right now.

In the mean time I am just in a horrible, horrible state. The physical issues are making functioning very difficult. My normal routine got scrambled so I could cover for a co-worker who needed time off. Resulting in two rotation of days off where I only got one day off. I absolutely MUST have three days off to recover between work weeks.

I just stopped trying to keep up with the house work. I couldn't sleep and was sooooo tired and exhausted.

Husband has told me many times if I need help to just ask.

But I don't ask.

My best guess why is....I don't want to be a burden.

Which is looming down in my future like a freight train.

I felt like a burden as a child. Made to feel bad when I out grew my shoes/clothes and cost the family money. I stopped telling them when my shoes were too small. Just squished my feet into them.

Grilled into me from youth..."if you don't work you don't eat."

Been working since I was 12.  Finding it difficult this summer. Makes me panicky.

I don't want to be a burden. I am feeling more and more like that as I am struggling with physical issues this summer.

My personal ideology of what my roles as a wife should be includes ...one who does all the house work. I find it impossible to ask for help.

But asking is slowly creeping in.

"can you carry this to the laundry room for me?"

I need to work on this, cause my body is no longer cooperating with me. Started physical therapy for my neck yesterday. MRI showed it was worse then we thought.

Crap. I blinked and got old.

I'm fighting to keep from becoming a burden.