ugh, polymyositis worries.

Latest on exercising with myositis. "You need to exercise every two days but never two days in a row."

No wonder my 4 day work week is killing this summer. Just my normal life is contraindicated with my disease.

I'm in such a flair right now that after my 4 day work week, it takes me three days to recover. I never feel good anymore.

I need to exercise to get the weight off from the prednisone. But I need to increase the prednisone to help with the flair up, which will add more weight....ahhh, hamster on a wheel endless spinning and going no where.

On my vlog I mentioned about not being able to save my children if something were to happen.  That just eats at me. Its my job to protect them. I still need to teach my daughter to swim. I can no longer do that. If she were to need rescuing, I lack the strength to do it.

This is kicking my butt right now.

But gawd damn it I look fine!

me: struggling to lift a gallon of milk into the shopping cart the other day.

Ever so helpful know it all: "Oh common it's not that heavy."

Really? Did you really just say that to me. The only reason your not getting a punch in the throat right now is I physically can't lift my arm to swing at you.

….and that realization pulls a dark shadow over my soul... I have been a victim, I have sworn to never be again, knowing that I could an would fight back if attacked ever again...that knowledge helping me to heal and regain my power....now gone. I couldn't defend my self from anything right now. I feel vulnerable and weak. 

Its frightening.

Got a disturbing phone call at work the other night. It set off my alarm bells. For the first time in eons, I was afraid on the night shift. Vulnerable, unable to protect my self of the residents/staff. That's new head space for me. I am always the one everyone says, "if there is a creeper out there, we will just send Paja out to deal with him."

I don't like being the weak link in the chain. I am used to relying on ME to provide my safety/ protection. I am struggling with having to surrender that to someone else. I can't run away physically from danger nor can I stand my ground and fight.

Not that I have had to do that much in my life, but it does happen. Two+ years ago when a man tried to break into work, I stood between him and the staff. After the police collected him, one of the girls asked, "why did you stand there? what would you have done if he had broken the door down?"

"I would have attacked him, he would have had to get through me before he could have stepped one foot into the building."

And I would have. I had the strength to do that 2+ years ago.

Now...no longer.  Polymyositis is making me feel like a victim...and I hate it.

Oh, and by the way, the proper way to respond to someone you see struggling with lifting a gallon of milk into their cart is:

"May I help you?"