knowledge I didn't want to know

 * * * * * TRIGGER WARNING TOUGH SUBJECT * * * * *

I wanted a baby my whole life.

A desire hardwired into my genes to insure the survival of the species. Countless 'illions of years of peer pressure, if you will.

As the years passed and I didn't get to have one of my own, my soul withered.

Then I would read reports of women killing their infants.

...and I would just cry.

and cry...

I would have loved your baby, I would have taken it. Why did you do that? How could you kill your baby?

I couldn't fathom the depths of how a mother could murder her own child.

Not even in my wildest deepest darkest moments, could I imagine how a mind could go there.

Flash forward to January 2002.

I am at long last holding the baby I have craved and wanted my whole life. A little neon boy who feels so right in my arms that have waited for him for 36 years.

Holding him, watching him nurse, my mind again chews on that old question. HOW could you do that? What part of  a woman's brain would every think of killing a little baby? They certainly had to be very ill. My head hurts, and my heart aches.

Flash forward to March 2002

I am working/commuting 10 hours 5 days a week,  I am breastfeeding, working with son in tow. He is still not sleeping at night, I get up 2+ times a night to feed him. I am sooo, so, soooo exhausted. I want sleep. My thyroid is un-medicated and running hyper. I feel like shit.

I hit the bed, and a few hours later, I hear my son crying. I drag my self to his room and feed him. Now it is painful to try to stay awake any longer. My mind is hurting and screaming to be turned off, and be allowed to sleep.

As soon as he is asleep,I burp him and lay him carefully in his cradle. I wait a second and watch him in the silky moonlight to make sure laying him down didn't wake him.

I turn and gratefully head to bed.

My head hits pillow and he starts crying again.

I get back up, check him, nope dry. I try to nurse him, maybe he was still hungry. Nope. He just wants to cry.

Okay, fine lets both cry. I rock and rock him, then walk him back and forth, crying with him. Finally at my physical limits I lay him in the cradle and stand there watching him cry, while I gently rock him.

And this single lone thought swims through my tired mind, this awful, awful thought.

oh. my. gawd. ON MY FUCKING GAWD!! DID I JUST THINK THAT THOUGHT?!!

I reel back from the cradle utterly horrified.

That was a place in my head I didn't need to ever know existed. how could you even think of harming your baby?!

I stand there in agony as I realize, I know something I didn't want to know. To gain extremely painful knowledge...that...I understand, now, with chilling clarity, how a mama could do that.

Frightened of myself, legs give out and I drop to the floor. I take deep breaths to stop myself from passing out.

The part of me that is my protector, growls as it floods my head and makes my hands numb, rendering them useless....just incase. What kind of monster did I just become?

I stay there until I feel in total control, then I get up.

Get my son out of the cradle, take him to the rocker and offer him my breast. He latches on and is asleep in quick order.

I tuck him in bed, and return to the rocker, my world shattered and forever changed.

Is this something that all women face?

Is this some thing that all mama's experience?

 Should I tell someone? will they take my baby? My souls twists in agony, over and over. My mind tries to rationalize it, make it seem not as heinous as it appears... Your just tired, your just exhausted, you need sleep and everything will fade like bad dream...but what if? what if I have those thoughts again?

Will I ever have those thoughts again?

I am frightened by my mind.

Will I ever have those thoughts again?

That answer is even more knowledge I didn't want to know.