The Final Cut - (trigger for discussion of suicide)

If you have the pleasure of watching an actor in multiple roles you will eventually be witness to their inner darkness.

A glimpse into them, where they're not acting, where you are seeing the hidden part we all hide. Where all of them are there exposed down to their soul on the big screen for all to see.

Most of us don't see it. We think, "damn that is a GREAT actor" never realizing what we are seeing is not acting.

In the movie "The Final Cut" you get to glimpse Robin Williams stripped naked, so to speak...to where his psyche is exposed.

I see it so clearly, because it resounds with in my own dark psyche. A fellow human who swims in the great cosmic sea of dark waters: depression.

Depression, makes my shadow darker then others. Its heavier to drag around then those who do not suffer. I am so grateful when people tell me they have no idea what severe depression feels like.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

To go to war everyday with a enemy who pears back at you in any mirror you look into. One who is there when you close your eyes. Who's harmful words are the lullaby you have fallen asleep to for a lifetime.

When I heard the first reports of Robin's death I was deeply saddened. I have admired him since Happy Days. His acting his comedy, his ability to take his pain and turn it into laughter and how it makes you feel not so alone in your struggles, because his laughter life line lashed us all together in the boat.

Then the reports of how he died came in.

and, and...different tears fall. Ones that understand standing on that ledge. Ones that have tettered on that chair. Ones that have swallowed those pills.

 Every living creature has a core strength, that is the essence of who we are. Its what give a severely injured animal the ability to lick the vets hand. It is what give a horrifically abused child the ability to grow up and live on despite of it.

Everyone has their breaking point, everyone. We are not endless wells of compassion and strength. There is a weight that will snap the best backbone. There can be too much on your plate to handle. There can be monsters too numerous to face, too many internal howls to shut out. When the mental pain can be fatal.

The final cut.

Everyone is spouting the advice now..."Talk to someone"

Tell someone you are contemplating suicide.

Fuck.

If only it was that easy.

neither of the three serious attempt I made to end my life did I  even remotely consider speaking up. My voice had been drowned out, and all I could hear was my soul crying for relief of the unbearable pain.

Take a pill for depression.

if only it was that easy all the time to cure.

Depression is a boa constrictor that you must wrestle with daily. You have to fight to keep it from crushing you.

Sure talking helps. but the snake remains coiled around you.

Sure medication can help, but the snake remains.

I can he happy and fulfilled and living life to the best of my abilities, but I will still have on snake skin underwear. You can't see the depression, but its there.

You could see the depression and addiction issues with Robin Williams. He talked about them, he fought them publically. He laughed in there faces and brought us along for the ride. He tamed the monsters and made us laugh at them. Where there was no light he created it. If only for 2 hours his voice would repel the darkness and ease our suffering.

He didn't give us hope...he gave us nothing more then himself, a fellow sufferer walking this lives journey aside us. Publically sharing his light with us. oh if only our combined love of his performances would be enough to save him...cause we all hurt. He touched us all.

His pain is over now.

When a fellow suffer of anxiety/depression looses their fight. I am faced with a gut wrenching reality check. If they can't make it...then how the hell can I make it?

His fight is over.

Mine and countless others goes on.

It frightens me.  I am willing to wager, it frightens all of us. Forcing us all to look a little deeper into the maw of darkness then we are comfortable with.