This is one of my writings that takes me by surprise each time I read it. Just how deep the subject matter is, and how beautiful it turned out despite being written from a place of dark depression.
Enjoy. I am looking forward to next week. A lot to blog about.
I have struggled to get in the Christmas spirit this year. The usual winter depression gnawing away at the fringes of my sanity is not helping.
I have nothing to give anyone. I feel like the little drummer boy. Even though I "buy" you all gifts all year long.
Thought this year I would actually tell you what my heart gives you all.
Every time I drive back to Medford I go on a heck of a shopping spree.
The commute from Medford is long and boring and on the way to GP I write in my head. I spin fabulous tales that no one will ever read. I sing loudly and badly to the fuzzy oldies station that fades in and out on my radio.
I stress over stuff I need to do, didn't do, should do and did do.
I spend the commute in the dark playground of my mind.
After work I head for home.
From the on-ramp to Rogue River I usually spend crying and screaming. De-stressing from the job that places me daily in the mist of the elderly and the ever looming impending shadow of death. Most days the amplified pain of my collection of orthopedic injuries reaches 10 on the pain scale and the screaming and crying helps....no not really, but I feels good to give the universe an ear full.
Then I hit Rogue River.
And the Powerball and Megabucks bill board greets me with it ever cheery tally of BAZILLIONS of dollars that are sitting in the pot waiting to be won.
45 million this particular night.
and the tears stop.
and the shopping starts.
Oh the usual frivolous thoughts light up my mind instantly.
With that money I would quit my job.
wait, my boss and co-workers know where I live....and I am an old woman with a bad back, I might be able to take one of them, but collectively they will kick my arse. Nix that idea.
Buy Corey a car that he fits in and won't bump his head.
buy me a new truck....(laugh till my side hurts as imagine the look on the salesman face as he tries to figure out the trade in value of my filthy truck with its custom paint job.)
In short order I have bought you all cars.
Call my sister and tell her to house hunt...vs suprising her with a deed?
buy co-worker a house and leave the key and deed on her desk.
Send my parents to the coast for the day and paint the house blue again...leave a nice slick custom motorcycle with a comfortable seat and a matching side car in the drive way.
Sneak in and pay all the bills I can find for all of you.
Send oldest Brother to Africa. I promised him when he was young we would go. He has to go alone though. With all the hardware in my pelvis I would never get through the scanners.
Go spend time with Brother closest to my age and his family. Tell his kids all the crazy things we used to do...and show them the pictures! (aint seen nothing till you have seen him in Tiny Grandmas mumu's and her stole in his underwear with the mink heads poking out his fly.)
Buy Brother next younger from above brother and his family a huge house in Gold Hill so he doesn't have to do this commute any more.
and the list goes on and on.
I think of each and everyone of you, and how you impact my life.
and how I never tell you
how I wish I could win that money and anonymously give each and everyone of you what ever you want or need.
How after the initial greed reaction I reach deeper inside and I want to lavish those in my life with magical suprises.
A cat for my children, and a house to go with it.
Its not about paying you for being who you are, its about honoring you and reaching inside and communicating with you from my soul. Something I lack the ability to do verbally.
By the time I Sylvia's ranch I am bawling again. Marveling at how RICH I am, not with money, but simply by knowing you. All of you.
Wish I could spend that 45 billion to buy time. More time. Then I could make you all some fabulous gift that would let you know how much I treasure you.
Then I drive by furniture row and I start buying furniture to go in all the houses I bought on the drive.
By the time I hit the off ramp I am spent...physically and mentally....and monetarily. I sneak in and check on the kids and then slid into Corey's warm sleeping arms.
He slumbers unaware of the money that came and went in the night.
My gift to you all tonight.
Of a Christmas that didn't go quite as I had planned. That was a year I lived at the farm. The year that Grandma's daughter bought her a pony. Tink was a dazzling mahogany bay with a long flowing black mane and tail.
The grand kids couldn't wait to ride her so before we ate dinner and opened presents, we went out to the yard. She was acting spooky so I insisted on getting on her first. She reared up so I tossed my weight forward to bring her down. Next think I know I'm on the ground with a pony in my lap. She had flipped backwards and taken me along for the ride. She popped up and I rolled to my side, keenly aware that from mid back down I was numb.
15,000 dollars later I was bolted back together with an impressive set of 4 3" screws and a Frankenstein plate in my pelvis.
The ER staff was all bummed that I had to spend Christmas in the hospital.
The next day around 8:00pm I looked up to see John and Suzy come into my room. What a pair they were. John I had worked with for 9 years at (insert name of some random nursing home). He and I share the same twisted sense of humor and inability to speak to our fellow man unless we are doing so in writing.
Suzy (name changed for privacy) was a resident who was 1/2 Native American and 1/2 mailman. She delighted in doing dumb Indian impression that would have won her all sorts of Oscars. She had long ago adopted me into her tribe.
They slid up to my bed and wiggled and twist like hyper puppy dogs.
"whhhaaat" I smiled, so pleased to see them. Soooo pleased.
Suzy handed me a Christmas present. "we brought you a present." And their faces split into Cheshire cat grins.
My brow wrinkled as I looked at the dusty present. Wondering two things. Why was it dusty?...and how did these two make it past security?
As I opened the wrapping paper they leaned over my rail and peered down to see the action. They looked like two kids on peaking into Santa's bag.
It was empty.
I glanced up at them and they burst into hysterical laughter. When they had caught their breath John explained they had stolen it from under the hospital's decorative tree in the ER on there way up to see me.
I can tell you this...belly laughing after having a horse fall on you and then having pelvic surgery is painful, but so worth it when you do it with friends.
So my favorite Christmas present of all time - an empty box filled with mischief and nincompoopery.
My favorite gift that I get all year round is you.
All the people in my life who see me, work with me, talk with me, eat Chinese food with me, share this planet with me. You are my gifts. It never ceases to amaze me that you would give up your precious time to spend some of it with me.
and someday when I win that bazzillion dollars you will be soooooo glad I am in your life.
and no Christmas is complete without a stocking
I made this one just for you
In it I put laughter, for those days you need some
band-aids, for those days you are hurting.
tucked in 1/2 a rainbow so you don't forget to chase the magic this planet has to offer,
a handful of fall leaves, a gust of snow,
arms to hold you,
a broken chain,
two hairs from a stallions mane,
a bucket of rain.
a soft hankie to dry your tears,
dew drops gathered on cat whiskers,
warm apples off the tree
a shooting star so you will always have wishes,
bright green spring grass,
a warm breeze,
healthy feet to chase your dreams,
Strength to break your bonds,
and too hold on.
The perfect wave
an Indian brave
a handful of skipping stones,
a smooth pond for you to free them on.
a horse only you can ride,
a place to hide.
a smile, kisses
and lots of wishes
a candy cane,
a country lane,
and may you wake to no pain.
I'm so glad you checked your e-mail today,
so that I may
and tell you how much I enjoy your company.