Thursday, April 14, 2016

SIV thoughts - TRIGGER for SIV discussion -

Been doing a lot of thinking about SIV (self inflicted violence) lately, the how's and why's of it. Seeking to further explain it to someone whom I was discussing it with.

I have said this about SIV in the past:

"Cutting can give a sense of control. I CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL THE PAIN. "

looking at this deeper...I am pondering, this:

if as an abused child, I injure and cause my self pain, is this in someway, my young mind's attempt to stop the abuser from taking my power?

as in:

you can't hurt me, cause I already did that, you don't get to cause me pain, I already did it.

Can this be childhood logic? A subconscious attempt to preserve ones power/sense of self?

A young soul finally reaching the end of the rope, and having no other choice then to fight back, wanting to lash out at the grown up abuser but not being able too.

Is it a way for the child to take their power back? By denying the abuser the ability to take it?

Setting a back fire so to speak? (a fire set intentionally to arrest the progress of an approaching fire by creating a burned area in its path, thus depriving the fire of fuel.)

And following that line of thought to its natural conclusion....That is why SIV is so hard to give up for those who have done it for a long time. SIV now = taking back our power. And the thought of stopping SIV = giving back what little power we think we have.


Monday, April 11, 2016

Three is gone

Three is gone now.

The dementia has consumed me in her memories.

She asked my name and I said, "Paja."

She gave me that ever so polite plastic smile her hers and said, "what an beautiful name!"

As I was leaving I turned one last time.

She drops the fake smile and stares at me intently. "I could never forget you." She says. "I will know you by your hair."

Dementia has not robbed her of her uncanny ability to hurt me with her words.

I sob all the way to my sisters house...wishing I had scissors in the truck to cut off my hair.