Friday, June 30, 2017

Isn't pain pain?

(continued from previous post) * * * trigger for self injury descriptions * * *

It wasn't until I was way past that point in my life that I did deeper thinking on the how and whys of why "others inflicted injury" wouldn't work the same as self injury.

People think pain = pain.

It isn't so.

You stub your toe, and get treated to unexpected pain from a non focused source.

is different then:

Facing an angry abuser who punches you in the face. In this case you know its coming eventually.

is different then:

Going through labor pains.

is different then:

Living with chronic back pain.


It can be further broken down to the various types of self injury. Rage injuring pain isn't the same as boredom injuring, or injuring in reaction to anxiety/stress.

Pain to self injures also is different depending on the additional elements.

Example: If I punch my face vs setting my arm on fire vs slicing open my skin and bleeding.

Pain without blood is in a different category then pain with blood.

Surprised at how complex it is?

Pain is pain to a degree, but them with self injury your adding in a very real mental element. Partly because often times self injury is used to transfer mental pain to the surface.

Lets stop for a second and look at labor pain. You know the source, you know the purpose, you know the outcome. Painful, yes, but knowing why/it action helps your brain categorize it and stop it from causing you to develop PTSD/flashbacks.

You break your arm, Crap! inconvenient pain. You adjust your cahonies and get in warrior mode and power through the pain, and its memorialized as a dent in your shield, a battle field trophy.

Getting the crap beat outta you as a child by a parental figure, not the same case. There is NO rhyme or reason to that pain. There is no outcome that you can justify this kind of pain and it gets stored internally, manifesting as body memories, PTSD, depression, damaged self esteem.

When you INTENTIONALLY inflict pain on yourself its a blending of all three examples above.

I would LOVE to see brain scans of myself self injuring, and of me being hurt by another source. My theory is that there would be some commonality, but would ping different areas of my brain.

I've noticed in the case of unintentional pain, (stub my toe) I can't apply the same mental process to calm the pain as I do to a self inflicted injury.

Stub toe = OUCH &^%$$&^! THAT HURTS!!!

Self injury = relief of pain.

wait, what?!

Most often times of self injury people are trying to escape/defuse/vent/convey mental pain. The physical pain is preferred over mental pain.

Self injury is very much about CONTROL.


I just can't stress that enough.

If you hit me, I don't have the control.

If you are tattooing me, its the same as labor pain. temporary non-mentally damaging pain for a good outcome.

If you cut/burn me instead of me harming myself, its  combo of no control and scaring my psyche by triggering the abused child mentality.

I can't see any way of replicating the SELF part of self injury. When someone else is doing the injuring. Nor would I want to.

Allowing someone else to hurt you is not healthy.

Like wise, hurting your self isn't healthy.

Which is why I ultimately came to the decision to work on my issues.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

others inflicted injury

(originally I wanted this to be one blog. But after letting it sit I decided to split it into two. The later 1/2 has the potential to be quite triggering, and this part not so much. Part two tomorrow.)

When Richard and I finally got around to laying the plans to stop the self injury...

What! What do you mean FINALLY? Didn't you go into therapy to stop the SIV first thing?

Self injury = coping skill. Used to deal with under lying traumas.

Stopping the SI and not first addressing the under laying stuff is pointless. There is an order for things.

"Why YES you DO have compound spiral fracture of your femur! Its terrible, it's hanging by tendons!! First thing we need to do is get you into physical therapy and rehab you...THEN we will operate and fix the bone and cast it. But first, stop bleeding and screaming. You can do it, Just stop."


Without the ground work I could have never made the attempt to replace it with healthy coping skills.

As we discussed it and were making up rules, I sassily asked, "What if I can get someone to do the injuring?"

Richard paused and eyed me.

I smirked, "It wouldn't be self injury, it would be others inflicted injury."

I waited for his face to roll into that familiar 'I ain't buying your bull Paja' look. But instead he was giving it deep thought.

"like what" He finally asked.

My turn to deep think. Hmmm.

"Tattoos? piercing?" I shrugged.

We both lapsed into deep thought.

"Okay." he said quietly.

Wait, did you just let go of my hand there and feed me to the crocodiles? Free rein to allow others to hurt me? I drew back in my chair. I locked eyes with him and could feel my anger rising. "Why would you want anyone to hurt me?" I at last whispered through my throat as it swelled up and choked off my voice.

His eyes softened.

That trickster. He didn't. He just wanted me to put some thought into it.

I nodded and fought back the tears. When I could speak I said, "other inflicted injury, off the table."

...and it remained off the table.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Gummie sister

Saw the surgeon yesterday.

He doesn't think the pain is coming from my abdominal cavity. Ultra sound showed no abnormalities. He thinks its in the pelvic cavity, which is out of his league. He read the original surgeons report and saw he didn't go into the abdominal cavity so there is zero chance of any surgical adhesions there.

There isn't currently a surgeon in my town who does pelvic surgery, but one is coming and when s/he is here I will get referred over. In the mean time he is referring me to a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic pain. That will help narrow down the area/muscles involved.

Chasing down the source of the pain is getting more focused. I am feeling hopeful again.

I do worry once they find it...the scar tissue will be so bad they can't fix it. I've found that just KNOWING what is causing me pain eliminates some of it. For example, I am able to ignore my neck pain because I know what is wrong.

My older sister came over and we spent the day together. We laughed like rabid hyenas at our own warped sense of humor.  She damn near made me pee my pants in Costco!

Siblings are a wonderful thing.

They are people you might not have ever been friends with in real life. 

However you share ~18 years of close contact with said person,  you have seen them barf, hung there underwear on the clothes line, and slept in the same room with.

You know how they apply their deodorant and brush their teeth. You've bathed with them, worn their socks, and by gawd you know how to yank there chain and make'um mad.

You've shared snacks, toys and a bathroom with them.

Your Alias Smith and Jones, Johnny and Roy, Barnabas Collins and Daphne.

They are not anyone you would call on to be a character witness, a professional reference, but there first on your list for calling when you have dangerous or illegal nincompoopery to get into.

So back at Costco yesterday she hands me a sample of carne asada.  First off at almost 52 years old I had to ask her what it was.

"Your not feeding me goat are you?"

Turns out cows have more "meat-personalities" then most mammals.

I showed her how my dentures don't meet any longer and chewing up stuff like that is too difficult. My dentures only meet and one small point in the front. My jaw bones have deteriorated and I should have gotten new teeth eons ago. But at the prince of +3000$ I've just never bothered.

I can chew stuff endlessly and never break it down.

So as I "chewed" on the meat we slithered down more aisles getting stuff that wasn't on our lists and just chatting and laughing.

She picked up another sample of some weird alien fruit and extended it to me.

I politely opened my mouth and extended my tongue with the lump of carne asada.

She didn't miss a beat and ordered me to: "Spit out your meat gum and try this!"

"attention house keeping we have a pee spill on aisle eleven!"

With all the nerve and muscle damage in my pelvis I am a HUGE risk for peeing myself...and then you add hysterical laughing induced by your sister and you have the perfect storm.


Even if they can't fix my pelvic issues, I will be okay. I will find away to laugh and live with it.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017


I've been living with chronic pain since I tore ligaments in my foot in my tweens. Living like that does something to you. The only way I could deal with it was to ignore it.

Back injury's one and two added more pain. Neck/collar bone and rib injury yet more pain. Wrists and elbow injuries, more when I developed groin pain 10 years ago I just sadly accepted it and added it to the rest of the pain.

I basically ignore by convincing my mind, that ...this is my base line. That I'm supposed to be in that much pain.

I tried twice to get it diagnosed and treated. First one might as well have been mother. I got a cold, "It's probably a hernia, we don't fix those anymore, just wear tight pants." WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!

Second time it flared to a point I couldn't stand it my doctor was off and the on call saw me. She wanted to do a pelvic exam as groin pain can be indicative of gynecological issues. well that triggered the hell out of me, and I ended up a bawling mess and left.  (Pelvic exams are something that take a lot of mental prep work for me. You just can't spring them on me.)

Last month it again got to FUCKIT ALL IM GOING TO THE ER NOW!!! on the pain scale, and I tried once again.

I got referred to a surgeon.

There are 3 possibilities of what it could be. Inguinal hernia from my last pregnancy, surgical adhesions from the horse falling on me surgery, or an issue with the Essure coils in my fallopian tubes, which last week I ruled out with the gynecologist.

Which means...holy moly....IT MOST LIKEY FIXABLE!!

For the first time I have hope that this constant pain can be taken away.

I see the surgeon on the 13th.

I hope he wants to fix this problem for me.

Less pain to be in would be such a welcomed thing,