Tuesday, March 31, 2015

oil change

So I am decked out in my grubbiest leave-me-alone-I'm-tired-and-crabby-I-wish-I-was-invisible-today clothes and I am sitting in the customer service lounge getting the trucks oil changed.

Around me are various people in casual clothes waiting patiently for their vehicles.

In walks a lady dressed very nicely and she is the picture of "I'm here to apply for a job, I aim to kick butt and walk out of here employed."

She joins us on the chairs.

It was a fascinating look at humanity, an how we are on and off.

She was ON. All business and focus.

I and the others were OFF, casual and relaxed and out to just blend in and loaf.

She sat properly with her hands folded neatly in her lap. While I and one other were sprawled in our chairs as if we were missing large sections of our spines.

My hair may have been done this morning, but it had the whole aura of, a dog licked it, and two polydactyl cats put in the clips.

I was struck at how tiring it would be, to be ON all the time. Thankfully society doesn't command that of us 24/7.

She was called back and left us, and the rest of us faded into the back ground of offness.

Friday, March 20, 2015

* * * TRIGGER * * * Self injury discussion

* * use caution - I'm writing while triggered * *

Sucked down the entire 6th season of Nurse Jackie today.

Love that show. Great acting, great characters. Wonderful setting.

but gosh does it trigger me.

I'm not a drug addict like Jackie....I'm a self injury addict.

Given to my own devices, I would never have decided to stop self injuring. I would be dead today. The injuries would have slowly gotten worse as time worn on until I fatally injured either accidently or on purpose.

Self inflicted violence is EXTREMLY addicting.

Crazily addicting.

To the point that hospitalizing me while I was breaking the habit was discussed.

I have spent more nights then I care to tell you, wrapped up in a sheet, on the shower floor being bombarded with cold water. Spent so many hours sitting at the table staring at the lighters and/or matches. Equal to the amount of time I've spent sitting in my car in the dark trying to get up the nerve to go into the ER and tell someone I wanted to inflict 3rd degree burns on 70% of my body.

Breaking the SIV addiction was a grueling mental challenge.  When I made the decision to go a year without injuring, I documented the mental journey in my therapy notebooks. At first it was eyes on the goal...one year with no injuring....I would count down the days to my goal.  114 days till one year with no injuring.

...then somewhere along the road it changed from that too.... 35 days till I can burn the hell out of my self.

The cravings/urges were bad.

So bad.

It got to the point I was solely focused on that magical 1 year date, so I could go on a massive SIV spree the next day.

I would spend hours and hours planning all the harm I could do to my self.

I made that magical one year mark.

and told no one.

not my therapists.

no one.

Kept that victory secret to my self for a few days before being brave enough to speak it aloud to my therapy team.

Then 17 days later, when the pressure was not so intense, took a lighter to my arm.

I gave into the urges/cravings.

relapsing into the sweet, comforting, warm flame.

Flesh bubbling, hissing and popping.

My mind instantly numbed with a hazy dissociative high.

Like a junkie injecting their drug into their veins, I collapsed on to the floor of my trailer, and savored each moment.

I miss it.


Currently its been 1 year and 4 months since my last burn.

Just weeks since I last episode of SIV. (due to medication reaction/complications)

I no longer have to deal with the daily, hourly urges/cravings/thoughts. When they do pop up now days I can deal with them quickly. There easy to brush off, but not so in the beginning.

I can't even imagine living in that atmosphere today. I would crumble and relapse. I was made of stronger stuff back then.

Watching Nurse Jackie triggers me and reminds me of my own struggles in the past.

How I must be diligent so I don't end up actively SIVing.

I always keep in mind that there may be a relapse that leads to me spiraling back to actively SIVing daily. I don't want to go there, ever again.

Digging my self out of that hole was exhausting. I'm not so sure if I found my self in that position today I would have the strength to do it again.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Shoe shine

In the middle of my shift I discovered poop on the side of my shoe.

That's par for the course in my line of work.

It reminded me of the time the director of nurses came up to me and complimented me on the fact that, I was the only night CNA who routinely had polished gleaming white shoes. She appreciated my attention to my appearance.

I shyly said thank you and that it was no problem to keep them shined.

Because it really wasn't.

Everyday, after work,  I would make breakfast before heading to bed. The five farm dogs would sniff around my feet, like they were bloodhounds. After intense sniffing they would lick my shoes for as long as it took for my toast to pop.


Saturday, March 14, 2015

seven tens

Had to work seven days in a row, that's seven 10 hour shifts in seven days.

Took the stuffing out of me.

I'm too dang old to pulling crazy shifts like that.

Was to train a new girl. Who quit her third shift with me, a few hours into it.

I'm still kicking. Just feeling a lot like pooooooooooooop. Three days soda free. Have to cut down my salt to help with swelling.

now why in hell do kids spend so much time wanting to be a grown up?

it sucks.

Speaking of growing up, I have to teach my eight year old how to shave her armpits. Curse these gorilla genes of mine. Little known fact about me, I had more chest hair at 15 then my brothers did at the time. So glad see the sasquatch genes haven't been diluted as the generations roll along.

Start five day work week tonight. That's five ten's. That is ten hours longer then my body can handle. Four tens in my limit.

Sigh. Don't they know I have a story to finish?