Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Skipping stone

This story is for Butter.

Iye cant sweep...wets see if Dogdancing will tells me a bedtime storewee.


She stirs and opens her dark sapphire eyes. "hello little one."

You has bin sweeping. Iye can't sweep. Wills you tells mes a bedtime story?

She smiles. "You wish to hear a forest story?"

oh yes!

"Very well, come, young one" she says opening her arms to invite her in.

When the wiggling has ceased, and the little one was all eyes, she begin.

"In the forest there are guardians like me. Made from jagged stones, crumbled rocks of uneven sizes, all crammed together and molded by a life time of pain. But did you know there are other rocks in the forest? Rocks found on the banks of the river, and the shores of the ponds.

Flat ones. Smooth ones. They are special ones, made for one purpose. They're skipping stones.

So special that people hunt a life time for the perfect one. Combing through the rocks for just the right one.

It has to fit just so in your hand....and feel right.

These rocks are shaped by movement, time, and knowing what is right. Much like guardians they too are not born, they are made.

Year after year they tumble and tussle with the seasons waiting for that special day someone comes searching for them.

When the time is right someone will come. They will slowly and carefully go along the shore and pick up rock after rock and hold them in there hand, each heart beat asking, this the one?

Is this the one that is right for this purpose? To skip across the water? Will this one make it all the way across? Will it fly just so?

The goal to effortlessly soar over the water touching it  every so often only to set ripples in motion as it skips across.

Some make it across to clatterly rejoin their brethren on the other side. Others fold under the water and take their ripples to the bottom.

...and some...some have legs. They walk among us and fling themselves where they are needed. Sending out ripples that are far reaching. You can't find them easily. They must be hunted for and found.

And sometimes they find you.

You are blessed if a skipping stone flings themselves for you. Pay attention to the ripples they leave on your life."

Dogdancing closed her eyes and leaned back. "They are known to fling themselves at monsters to protect others."

Hows do day have the courage to do dat?

Dogdancing smiled as she hugged her tighter, "little one, it isn't courage that gives them the strength...Skipping stones have pure hearts."

How they det pure hearts?

Dog pulled the blanket up and tucked little one in. "I already told you.  movement, time, and knowing what is right."

Monday, August 7, 2017


okay life you win. Ima just gunna lie here and let you trample me into the dirt.

Since you have taken my legs, I just can't get up anymore.

Seriously, this fucking heat is killing me. I have had nose bleeds the last 4 days from having the AC going.

I hear people say "I'm at the end of my rope." and I have always wondered 'how did you luck out to be given a rope?'

all I have is a worn out 3 inch piece of frayed yarn that has multiple knots in it from being tied together. Its limp, damp and slips through my hands, there is nothing to hold onto.

P-doc wants to put me on an antidepressant.  We just had a disastrous 3 day attempt at trying Neurontin again.  It increased my appetite, made me fat and hostile.

but it took away my nerve pain.

You bastard, taunting me with pain relief, but turning my head into a monster.

I don't even have the guts to try an antidepressant again. fuck.

I can't risk anymore weight gain.

I am battling with my selves as it is. Humans can live 3 weeks without food...since I can't exercise, my mind is coming up with the only viable weight loss solution. Starve it off.

Its not like I am going to miss anything, since I can't taste anything anyway.

Crabby, can't sleep, headache, bloody nose...and the ever constant pain.

just....done today.

and maybe tomorrow too.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

puddles of darkness

My life

an off kilter path

running, while chained.

puddles of darkness

grabbing my feet as I go



my voice choking as the madness rushes in

I slip silently under the surface



yet I hold the dark water

and spill not a drop

but the light, oh the light

it runs out of me

through my cracks


returning again and again to the

puddles of darkness

my reflection

cries with me

lost together

soul bound tumble weeds.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

interesting observation (SIV discussion)

While blogging on how to support people who self injure this morning it dawned on me, that perhaps one contributing factor to my increased suicidal thoughts is my inability to injure right now.

as in my coping skills include all these....

tell someone (ie vocalize what is going on) [blogging don't count it has to be verbalized to another person in person]
exercise until fatigued
listen to cry tape
binge eat
retail therapy
go to ER
self injure

Even though I work my butt off to avoid self injury, it is still there, and probably will always be because of the last item on the list. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to keep my self safe and alive. (so if your reading my blog just waiting for me to off my selves, your wasting your time, I've fought like a mutherFing wild cat to stay alive 51 years, nothing is going to change that. I'm highly competitive and my depression will NOT win.)

Anyway, chief among prednisone's side effects are "slow wound healing" and "increased infections"

um, yeah, that is kinda keeping the self injury urges at bay. That and not sure how all the new doctors will take to treating a self injurer. I have found it is one thing to see my scars and hear how I am a self injure and an entirely different thing to see actual wounds on me.

When in therapy with Richard we talked about the self injury from day one. I showed him my scars I talked about methods and triggers. I thought he got it.

Months into therapy after I injured and told him during our session, he asked to see the wound. I peeled back the bandage and showed him. The look on his face clearly indicated he hadn't gotten it.
Shit got real very fast.

Don't have the energy to deal with that, got enough on my plate with the new diagnosis.

So consciously or unconsciously, SIV got crossed off the coping skill list.  Which makes the next thing on the list, slide up.

self injure

Which may account for the mental bombardment of urges going on this year.

Why don't I just keep self injury crossed of the list and work on exiling suicide as well?

Cause, I know that the self injury is crossed off only temporarily. It's easy for me to do that if I have injured in recent memory. I have gotten the burning down to years apart. My last burn was January 2016. I'm currently already on a type of injury "holiday." 


Friday, July 14, 2017

"Don't hurt yourself."

Did I, as a fifty one year old grown woman, hear her correctly? Did the nurse just tell me: Don't hurt yourself.


Seriously people. Don't you think I KNOW that already? Have you not gotten the hint that I am working hard to avoid that outcome by seeking medical attention in the first place???

Since being placed on prednisone my mental health has gotten a bit wonky. Plus adding in the hormonal upheaval of  my periods stopping and I'm in full blown estrogen and progesterone withdrawals. I'm a mental mess.

Things got so bad in May I made and appointment with the FNP and requested to go back on an antidepressant. Something I swore I would never do.

because to tries at medicating my head proved ugly in my twenties. First one had bad cardiac side effects. Your resting pulse isn't suppose to be 120+.

The second attempt was with Zoloft.  We learned a important thing about my body with that med trail. We learned I am VERY sensitive to medications. We started with the lowest dose and then on a check up, I reported I was tolerating it okay and it seemed to be helping.

So she upped the dose.

And a week later I tried to kill my self.

Yeah.  Being depressed and unable to medicate it has been the story of my life.

I have been wrestling with horrendous urges to end my life since November of last year. Noting really new I have been "suicidal" my whole life.

But these urges aren't to end my life....there to end my suffering.

Can you see the difference?

I don't want to die. I just want this 24/7 never ending chronic pain to FUCKING STOP.


I'm used to dealing with urges and thoughts. I don't ignore them. I pay attention  to there intensity and if I need help I reach out to husband and vocalize what is going on. I reach out further if that doesn't help.

So in May it was GO TO THE ER bad. So I requested to try the Zoloft again. I figured it was initially working at the lower dose, and its the go to med for depression and PTSD.

The FNP I have now has gotten to see first hand my sensitivity to meds and was naturally too freaked out to put me back on something that cause a suicide attempt in my 20's.

So I got referred for a psych evaluation to have a P-doc decide what med would be best for my head.

Which isn't until August 1st.

The FNP discovered this and had the nurse call me to let me know if I need help before then to call them, and as she ended up she commented, "Don't hurt yourself."

My instant reaction was wtf?????? am I two years old?

don't eat play-doh, don't play with matches, don't play in the street, don't pick your nose...

More education is required I see. On how to be supportive of people who are healing /living with self inflicted violence. I will blog that in the upcoming days.

For now I will leave you with the question most self injures answer that statement with.

"Don't hurt yourself." 

"Why not?"

How would you respond?

Friday, June 30, 2017

Isn't pain pain?

(continued from previous post) * * * trigger for self injury descriptions * * *

It wasn't until I was way past that point in my life that I did deeper thinking on the how and whys of why "others inflicted injury" wouldn't work the same as self injury.

People think pain = pain.

It isn't so.

You stub your toe, and get treated to unexpected pain from a non focused source.

is different then:

Facing an angry abuser who punches you in the face. In this case you know its coming eventually.

is different then:

Going through labor pains.

is different then:

Living with chronic back pain.


It can be further broken down to the various types of self injury. Rage injuring pain isn't the same as boredom injuring, or injuring in reaction to anxiety/stress.

Pain to self injures also is different depending on the additional elements.

Example: If I punch my face vs setting my arm on fire vs slicing open my skin and bleeding.

Pain without blood is in a different category then pain with blood.

Surprised at how complex it is?

Pain is pain to a degree, but them with self injury your adding in a very real mental element. Partly because often times self injury is used to transfer mental pain to the surface.

Lets stop for a second and look at labor pain. You know the source, you know the purpose, you know the outcome. Painful, yes, but knowing why/it action helps your brain categorize it and stop it from causing you to develop PTSD/flashbacks.

You break your arm, Crap! inconvenient pain. You adjust your cahonies and get in warrior mode and power through the pain, and its memorialized as a dent in your shield, a battle field trophy.

Getting the crap beat outta you as a child by a parental figure, not the same case. There is NO rhyme or reason to that pain. There is no outcome that you can justify this kind of pain and it gets stored internally, manifesting as body memories, PTSD, depression, damaged self esteem.

When you INTENTIONALLY inflict pain on yourself its a blending of all three examples above.

I would LOVE to see brain scans of myself self injuring, and of me being hurt by another source. My theory is that there would be some commonality, but would ping different areas of my brain.

I've noticed in the case of unintentional pain, (stub my toe) I can't apply the same mental process to calm the pain as I do to a self inflicted injury.

Stub toe = OUCH &^%$$&^! THAT HURTS!!!

Self injury = relief of pain.

wait, what?!

Most often times of self injury people are trying to escape/defuse/vent/convey mental pain. The physical pain is preferred over mental pain.

Self injury is very much about CONTROL.


I just can't stress that enough.

If you hit me, I don't have the control.

If you are tattooing me, its the same as labor pain. temporary non-mentally damaging pain for a good outcome.

If you cut/burn me instead of me harming myself, its  combo of no control and scaring my psyche by triggering the abused child mentality.

I can't see any way of replicating the SELF part of self injury. When someone else is doing the injuring. Nor would I want to.

Allowing someone else to hurt you is not healthy.

Like wise, hurting your self isn't healthy.

Which is why I ultimately came to the decision to work on my issues.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

others inflicted injury

(originally I wanted this to be one blog. But after letting it sit I decided to split it into two. The later 1/2 has the potential to be quite triggering, and this part not so much. Part two tomorrow.)

When Richard and I finally got around to laying the plans to stop the self injury...

What! What do you mean FINALLY? Didn't you go into therapy to stop the SIV first thing?

Self injury = coping skill. Used to deal with under lying traumas.

Stopping the SI and not first addressing the under laying stuff is pointless. There is an order for things.

"Why YES you DO have compound spiral fracture of your femur! Its terrible, it's hanging by tendons!! First thing we need to do is get you into physical therapy and rehab you...THEN we will operate and fix the bone and cast it. But first, stop bleeding and screaming. You can do it, Just stop."


Without the ground work I could have never made the attempt to replace it with healthy coping skills.

As we discussed it and were making up rules, I sassily asked, "What if I can get someone to do the injuring?"

Richard paused and eyed me.

I smirked, "It wouldn't be self injury, it would be others inflicted injury."

I waited for his face to roll into that familiar 'I ain't buying your bull Paja' look. But instead he was giving it deep thought.

"like what" He finally asked.

My turn to deep think. Hmmm.

"Tattoos? piercing?" I shrugged.

We both lapsed into deep thought.

"Okay." he said quietly.

Wait, did you just let go of my hand there and feed me to the crocodiles? Free rein to allow others to hurt me? I drew back in my chair. I locked eyes with him and could feel my anger rising. "Why would you want anyone to hurt me?" I at last whispered through my throat as it swelled up and choked off my voice.

His eyes softened.

That trickster. He didn't. He just wanted me to put some thought into it.

I nodded and fought back the tears. When I could speak I said, "other inflicted injury, off the table."

...and it remained off the table.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Gummie sister

Saw the surgeon yesterday.

He doesn't think the pain is coming from my abdominal cavity. Ultra sound showed no abnormalities. He thinks its in the pelvic cavity, which is out of his league. He read the original surgeons report and saw he didn't go into the abdominal cavity so there is zero chance of any surgical adhesions there.

There isn't currently a surgeon in my town who does pelvic surgery, but one is coming and when s/he is here I will get referred over. In the mean time he is referring me to a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic pain. That will help narrow down the area/muscles involved.

Chasing down the source of the pain is getting more focused. I am feeling hopeful again.

I do worry once they find it...the scar tissue will be so bad they can't fix it. I've found that just KNOWING what is causing me pain eliminates some of it. For example, I am able to ignore my neck pain because I know what is wrong.

My older sister came over and we spent the day together. We laughed like rabid hyenas at our own warped sense of humor.  She damn near made me pee my pants in Costco!

Siblings are a wonderful thing.

They are people you might not have ever been friends with in real life. 

However you share ~18 years of close contact with said person,  you have seen them barf, hung there underwear on the clothes line, and slept in the same room with.

You know how they apply their deodorant and brush their teeth. You've bathed with them, worn their socks, and by gawd you know how to yank there chain and make'um mad.

You've shared snacks, toys and a bathroom with them.

Your Alias Smith and Jones, Johnny and Roy, Barnabas Collins and Daphne.

They are not anyone you would call on to be a character witness, a professional reference, but there first on your list for calling when you have dangerous or illegal nincompoopery to get into.

So back at Costco yesterday she hands me a sample of carne asada.  First off at almost 52 years old I had to ask her what it was.

"Your not feeding me goat are you?"

Turns out cows have more "meat-personalities" then most mammals.

I showed her how my dentures don't meet any longer and chewing up stuff like that is too difficult. My dentures only meet and one small point in the front. My jaw bones have deteriorated and I should have gotten new teeth eons ago. But at the prince of +3000$ I've just never bothered.

I can chew stuff endlessly and never break it down.

So as I "chewed" on the meat we slithered down more aisles getting stuff that wasn't on our lists and just chatting and laughing.

She picked up another sample of some weird alien fruit and extended it to me.

I politely opened my mouth and extended my tongue with the lump of carne asada.

She didn't miss a beat and ordered me to: "Spit out your meat gum and try this!"

"attention house keeping we have a pee spill on aisle eleven!"

With all the nerve and muscle damage in my pelvis I am a HUGE risk for peeing myself...and then you add hysterical laughing induced by your sister and you have the perfect storm.


Even if they can't fix my pelvic issues, I will be okay. I will find away to laugh and live with it.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017


I've been living with chronic pain since I tore ligaments in my foot in my tweens. Living like that does something to you. The only way I could deal with it was to ignore it.

Back injury's one and two added more pain. Neck/collar bone and rib injury yet more pain. Wrists and elbow injuries, more when I developed groin pain 10 years ago I just sadly accepted it and added it to the rest of the pain.

I basically ignore by convincing my mind, that ...this is my base line. That I'm supposed to be in that much pain.

I tried twice to get it diagnosed and treated. First one might as well have been mother. I got a cold, "It's probably a hernia, we don't fix those anymore, just wear tight pants." WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!

Second time it flared to a point I couldn't stand it my doctor was off and the on call saw me. She wanted to do a pelvic exam as groin pain can be indicative of gynecological issues. well that triggered the hell out of me, and I ended up a bawling mess and left.  (Pelvic exams are something that take a lot of mental prep work for me. You just can't spring them on me.)

Last month it again got to FUCKIT ALL IM GOING TO THE ER NOW!!! on the pain scale, and I tried once again.

I got referred to a surgeon.

There are 3 possibilities of what it could be. Inguinal hernia from my last pregnancy, surgical adhesions from the horse falling on me surgery, or an issue with the Essure coils in my fallopian tubes, which last week I ruled out with the gynecologist.

Which means...holy moly....IT MOST LIKEY FIXABLE!!

For the first time I have hope that this constant pain can be taken away.

I see the surgeon on the 13th.

I hope he wants to fix this problem for me.

Less pain to be in would be such a welcomed thing,

Friday, May 12, 2017

Going to the ER when your suicidal

(trigger for suicidal thoughts and self injury descriptions)
SIV = self inflicted violence

Last month a suicidal man showed up the ER at one of the local hospitals. Only problem was he showed up with a gun, and was threatening the staff.

The police and security guards were able to keep everyone safe and defuse the situation.

Local social media was complementing the staff/police in one breath and then being angry with the man in the next breath.

Everyone was missing one perspective. The mans. What that tells me, is those commenting, thankfully, have never been so suicidal that they have been forced to go the ER to seek help.

Let me give you a look at what it's like to go to the ER when you are suicidal...from the prospective of the suicidal person.

I have lost track of the number of nights I spent sitting in the my car in the ER parking lot, bawling my eyes out, trying to summon up the courage to walk into the ER and ask for help.

The "I can't handle my head - I'm going to loose this battle - Suicidal as fuck - help me" plan was firmly in place before I left therapy.

I fought  like a motherfuckin' wildcat to stay alive in my 20's.

I wanted to be damn sure I continued to more forward after leaving therapy.

When Richard first suggested I go the ER for help, I blew him off. I mean 'common I couldn't even call him on the phone for help at that point.

There were the fears too. Images of being restrained and forcefully well as the awful, awful knife to the gut fear that ....they wouldn't believe me, and turn me away.

Imagine, me, walking in to the ER. Calm. Collected, dissociated the fuck out to the point I am a smooth empty shell with no humanity in it.

"Hi." I'd say.

"What do you need to be seen for?" they would ask.

"I'm suicidal and want to kill my self." I'd say, then punctuate it with my high nervous laugh.

They would look at me eyeing me, judging me, trying to determine the truth to my words, and before they could ask my name I would loose my nerve and stammer an apology and beat a hasty exit.

"never mind, sorry for wasting your time, its nothing really, I'm fine."

When you go to the ER with a broken bone, or your guts hanging out, or writhing in pain YOU don't get judged. You are automatically treated with compassion and professionalism.

Because you can't see mental pain there is no way for them to triage you without having to ask you questions that make it sound like they think your faking.

The ONE time I got the nerve to go inside, I never made it a foot from my car. brain washing from my childhood stopped me and I got back in my car.

my mothers ghostly words "are you bleeding? no? then stop crying."

I bashed my face with a hammer until I was a bloody, snotty bawling mess.

"Now you can go in." I had told my self. Now I looked the part. Now the pain was I looked like I was in I would be believed.

But it was too late. The self inflicted violence had dissipated the suicidal urges and calmed me, and put me in head space I could handle my self. The danger had passed. Totally defeating the purpose of coming to the ER in the first place...which was to deal with the suicidal state without using SIV as the coping skill.

There is a huge battle when you are suicidal and seek help.  Part of you wants to die, and another part of you is reaching for help. A wrestling match that is of epic proportions. Guess which one has the greater pull? If your head is thinking suicide, that is where the balance of the weight will rest. The internal built in preservation for life encoded into your DNA, is there to save you from dangerous situations, stuff like if you see a bear, it tells you to RUN!

No where to run when the danger is in your head.

This man who came with the gun to the ER told them he was suicidal. There was a war raging within him. GET HELP - DIE - GET HELP - DIE .....let someone take control and help me .... fuck let someone else kill me...

Perhaps he wanted the police to kill him. Perhaps he needed to make the mental pain visible so he felt justified in going to the ER for help.

either way its not as easy as the media makes it sound.

"If your suicidal, get help. Reach out. Go to the ER."

I eventually wrote what became known as my "Owners manual". A document with all the info the ER staff would need to know. So I could walk in and just hand it over, and not have to talk, or prove anything. 

My name is Paja, I am feeling very suicidal and I am not safe. I need help to keep my selves safe. I have a history of SIV and working with my therapists to stop that negative coping skill.

Don't let my quiet nature fool you. I am in danger. I wouldn't be here if I could take care of this my self.

(a list of my therapists/doctor's phone numbers)

(list of my diagnosis, and medications I was taking)

Coping skills that are useful:

1. Have me visualize snow
2. argue, with me, if you can get me to cry the rage/anger will dissipate and I can handle my self from there.
3. ect etc

That document was my voice.

It brought me great comfort. It was like an invitation to the ball. I no longer needed to crash the party with blood and violence, I could simply go in and hand it over.

I kept a copy in my car and in my trailer.

I have never had to use it, but you'd think otherwise if you saw how tattered the copies are.

I am brave enough now to go in without it.

Others are not so lucky. Be compassionate and thankful they make it to the ER at all.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

same song different day

(trigger for pathetic whining)

First off apologies for all the blog spam. I am trying to get my mind back on line and focused on writing. I desperately want to finish Skinned.  Its very frustrating not to be able to. Even more frustrating to leave a character in limbo like that.

My physical health is just overwhelming everything right now. Second only to the chaos of my mental health.

I asked the FNP last week to put me back on Zoloft.

Which is a HUGE thing considering the last time I was on it things got ugly. So ugly its listed on my chart as an allergy.

Any way we are back tracking through mountains of paper work looking for the data on the episode. I on my end looked though my journal entries.

Its always devastating to me to look through my therapy books/journals. For the primary reason....all I have to do is change the dates and those entries could have been written today.

If that isn't enough to make one feel crazy I don't know what is.

My paper chart from that time lists the symptoms I asked to be seen for.

Exactly the same ones I was seen for last week. I'm still trying to get help for pain issues that date back 20 + years.

Why can't I be helped?

garrrr, I shouldn't go in those books without a chaperone. They're pretty intense.  I also was in there looking for my old "owner's manual." A document I wrote in case I had to go to the ER. It was all the info the ER staff would need if I showed up on there doorstep in a suicidal state. I need if for the next blog I am working on. I can't find it. That's frustrating. I am going to have to write without it, because I can't go back in that pile of papers. Too triggering.

Just a quick jaunt through it has left me bawling.

Xanax on board, going to get a hug from hubby and then go to the store for a shit load of hostess crap to drown my sorrows in sugar.

What if I can never write again? what if who I level out to be after all the dust settles is no longer me?
Why is it ....only the pain survives each time I molt, evolve, and change?

Wednesday, May 10, 2017


I was recently featured in a magazine that our local paper puts out.

(there is an error in the article -   It incorrectly states I advise against "support groups" for self injuries. I advise against group therapy.)

A year ago I was in the paper and on the noon news. The residents at my work commented on seeing me in the paper, and on the news. But they didn't comment on the topic of self injury.

THIS time was different. BOY did they have questions!

I figured they wouldn't see it and gave it no thought. HA! boy was I wrong. They grilled me with all kinds of questions and most wanted to see my scars.

Which brought up an interesting observation.

my scars are faded.

I don't have any red scars. They are all ghostly white...and I am okay with that. In the past I wouldn't have been okay with that.

Healed white scars have been a trigger for me in the past. Some of my injures are reflective of trauma's that I don't want to forget, if my 'bookmark' is faded then I worry about forgetting why they're there, I've been known to re-injure to keep the scars bright red for the year it takes them to fade again.

I wonder if I'm okay with this because I'm more healed? Or is it because I've got my hands full right now with my health issues.

Being on prednisone rolls around in my head. It makes healing wounds more difficult. A burn would also artificially elevate my CK level and we need to keep tabs on that to see how bad the polymyositis  is flared.

I still have SIV urges.


I came awfully close last month to going on a SIV spree when I was so suicidal. I actually gave my self permission to do it.

Yet, I never even picked up my tools.

Some days I wish the urges were as faded as my scars.

*************** TRIGGER - GRAFFIC SIV IMAGES OF SCARS below ***************

I hope that one day the mental pathways that bring to reaching for SIV as a coping method will fade too. Be so dusty that I don't slide easily into them. There are days I am miles away from self injury...and days I wanna just do it for no reason.

I will always carry those reminders of the SIV on my skin. I'm at peace with that. My scars and me? We good. We good.

Mirror... self injury ...rorriM

* * TRIGGER for self injury* *  

The pain was crushing.

I had reached the end of my coping rope and had reached for the matches.

I sat on my bed in my little trailer and ran through all the things I should be doing instead of burning. All these healthy skills I could have reached for. I could reach out to my therapists. I could go to the ER, I could do any number of healthy things.

But in that moment all I wanted was to be comforted by the sweet pain of the flame licking my skin.

I was still in in the trenches of switching from the mentality of pain = comfort. Trying to learn and implement other things to bring relief. Trying to befriend my body and get reconnected with it.

The thick mental stew of depression, anxiety and resurfacing memories was making thinking clearly impossible. The constant state of dissociation was adding another suffocating blanket of weight.

I need to injure to breath.

cut a hole in my skin to let air in....

...or the demons out.

Any hope of stopping the injury went out the window with a flick of my wrist as the tiny match head igniting.

I lite the candle and moved into position to put my arm over it.

I stared into the flame. I could feel its heat on my forearm. My insides welled up in anticipation of the physical pain, which would drive out the mental pain.

Deep inside  a small part of me tried one more time to derail the burn.

you don't have to do this. go call for help, go ride the horse, go sit with the dogs, go to the store for pepsi, go for a hard run, call Richard, call Iona and Nola...

"I can't." I say with much effort to be heard from under the heavy weights


"I can't."

can't or won't?

My internal mercury switch tripped and I came up swinging.


Angry now, the injury motivation moved from "burn for pain relief" to "rage burn for the sheer hell of damaging my self." I moved to the table at the other end of the trailer, in hopes that those two seconds of transit time would calm the rage.

I set  the candle on the table and got ready to burn. My eyes focused on the flame. As I raised my arm to apply it to the flame, my eyes defocused on the foreground and became aware of the background.

What I saw stopped me.

It was my reflection in a small  mirror.

I was face to face with my abuser.

That didn't look like the face of someone 'trying to help' me by injuring me. It didn't look like someone who wanted to be helped. It looked a lot like a angry animal trying to look fierce so everyone would leave it alone. She looked to be in a lot of mental pain/torment. She didn't look reachable.

I tried to get my brain back to burning my self by returning my eyes to the flame.

but my focus again returned to my eyes in the mirror. The rage and hate were gone, there was just a wounded me in there now.

My guts churned. what was this? What is going on?

I blew out the candle and ended up having a good sobby cry with my reflection.


The mirror became a tool in my arsenal to help me heal. It forced me to SEE. See not only who was harming me, but who I was hurting as well. Firmly connecting that " are both the abuser and the abused here."

It also was helpful in derailing injuries because it added an "audience" and took out the secretive/solitary aspect of the SIV.

For a long time there was a note on my box of matches. "look at who you are going to burn." A reminder to use the mirror.

I found quickly that I have zero tolerance for watching my self be abused/injured.

I can even to this day derail injury urges by sitting with a mirror and connecting with my self.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

still not dead.....just barely

Damn... do you all remember when you couldn't shut me up? When I wrote all the time?

My mental health took a nasty turn a bit ago and the suicidal soundtrack that backs my life, changed to suicidal plans. It was like the perfect storm of crap whirling in a tornado that I couldn't avoid.

It was....scary.

very scary.

To the point that I had to activate the KEEP YOUR SELF ALIVE AT ALL COSTS protocol that we came up with in therapy.

Just hanging on the life preserver wasn't enough. I had to let go with one hand and swim to shore.

The SIV urges have been INSANE.

It was no small feat that I am alive and injury free today.

Honestly, I am amazed I survived.


Yes I have follow up doctor appointments to try and prevent a repeat of this next month.

Still 2 weeks out from the eye doctor appointment about my blurry eyes. It's so frustrating. I can't see to type. Can't read the screen easily. makes it difficult.

Worse its affecting my job. We are switching to electronic medication books....and I can't clearly see the training videos.

I have tried and I can't write through the blurry-ness. It is soooooo frustrating. I'm having pockets of mental clarity where I am jotting down blogs and story ideas. Then sit down to blog and end up so discouraged.

So that is my update. I survived a recent bout of extreme suicidalness, and a barrage of intense SIV urges. Still struggling with prednisone side effects, and a flair up the polymyositis, blurry vision and a whole shit can of peri-menopause symptoms that are just stirring the pot with fiendish glee.

I can tell you....if I have to do that again next month I am just going straight to the ER and having them lock me up. That took EVERYTHING I had.

PCP visit May 1st, Eye Doctor May 5th, Rheumatologist May 10th.....and hopefully an Endocrinology appointment soon.

Cause my thyroid gets blamed for all my symptoms.....and my thyroid is a shriveled up radiated dead thing. How the hell can it be causing all this???

urgg, I have enough health issues to be a whole season of House MD.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

health update


That about sums up my health status right now.

Right now I am having an episode of burry vision. (um, hellooo that is a MS symptom...that all the doctors are ignoring.)

The muscle weakness/pain in my legs and increased. I can no longer walk up stairs without my legs screaming/becoming shaky.

I can't hold any thing in my arms/hands. My biceps become painful/weak/shaky. I sat with a baby on my lap for ~40 minutes the other day. All I had to do was hold my arms out slightly and around him like a seat belt. That left my arms just screaming and weak.

The prednisone is helping with the joint/arthritis pain, that is something.

My head has been trying to kill me all winter.


I have so much to write about. But the brain fog is crippling me. Its killed the writer in me. My writers pail isn't empty it's GONE.

I don't know if its a medication side effect or not but I AM NOT AMUSED.

I am about to go ape-shit on the medical profession and throw my own poo at them until they figure out what is going on and help me.

I have not abandoned my blog. I'm just on walk-a-bout trying to find my freaking mind.

Kids! thyroid brain fog, just say NO!!

In the time it took me to hold out my hands and type this, my biceps are now weak and shaky.

I am hoping that forcing my self to write a few blogs will coax the writer out. Or at least leave a bookmark in my blank mind so I can find my way back.

Public speaking about self injury - the begining

So how the heck did I end up being a public figure who talks about self injury? Me, super shy, eccentric nut who doesn't even feel connected to the human race.

It can be tracked back to my late twenties.  It was post therapy. I was enrolled in abnormal psychology in college and in the text book, they had a few paragraphs about self injury.


A few WRONG paragraphs about self injury.

It rubbed me the wrong way that this miss information was being taught to  students who would go on to treat clients who self injured.

Why were "professionals" making guesses and drafting theories about SI. I remember wondering why don't they just ask the self injurers?

We had to do a project. Our choices were a paper or a 10 min presentation. I choose to do a 10 min presentation on SIV. (self inflicted violence) I boiled all my knowledge on the subject down and calmed my nerves and waited to present my speech.

I had consciously chosen to wear 3/4 sleeves that day to hide my scars. I wanted the talk to focus on the topic not my scars. I didn't want the talk to be a show and tell...and have the focus shift from the reasons why people self injure to the scars.

People tend to see self injury scars and respond with "ooh that person is crazy!"

I didn't want them to go into my talk already judging me as being crazy.

As class started I was the second presenter. When it was my turn I began by announcing my topic and asking for a show of hands of everyone who had never self injured. I then asked them to put their hands down if they had ever gotten a tattoo or a piercing, and kept listing things, scratched a bug bit till it bled, slapped their face in anger, bit there lip, punched a wall in anger, had more then one sun burn.... until all the hands were down.

"You have all self injured. Lets look at how this behavior gets escalated to the other end of the spectrum, of cutting , burning, bone breaking, self surgery."

At that point I said launched into a condensed, raw look at self injury.

At the end of my 10 minutes the teacher opened it up for questions.

and for the next FORTY minutes I answered questions and discussed in more detail self injury. The hunger for more info touched me. People spoke up and asked for help "My niece cuts...what can we do to help her?"

Near the end I pushed back my sleeves and fessed up to being a person who lives with SIV. Which, by the looks of some people caught them off guard. It started another round of questions.

We went waaaaay over the allotted time. The professor called an end to the talk just moments before class was dismissed.

I got an A+

More then that I got a boost to my self esteem. It was a huge push to my soul that would lead me to be more open and reach out to other self injurers. That lecture was my turning point. My ground zero. I was now an teacher/advocate  on the subject.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Explaining your self inury to your children - When mom hurts

Was interviewed recently for an article about living with SIV.  The reporter was following my healing time line and taking notes.

There was a gap of seven or so years between therapy and starting to write on the message boards. I mentioned I wrote/drew a few things for the "The Cutting Edge:  A Newsletter for People Living with Self-Inflicted Violence" a snail mailed newsletter in that time, but completely, COMPLETLY forgot to mention my greatest contribution to the world of SIV education that occurred in that time frame.

I'm going to blame it on my annoying thyroid brain fog. Ha! Anyway I figured I should put it on here, before I forget about it again!

It's for parents who self injure to explain it to their kids. The age range for this book is 4-6 years old.

There was a time after hypnotherapy ended where I was just living and putting into practice all the skills I had learned there and in therapy. I worked and returned to school and just dipped my toes back into living with the human race.

It was in that time I found the Cutting Edge. I was pre-internet and it was the only support group for people living with self inflicted violence. A place were we could talk openly about self injury.

In one edition  in 1994 a woman named Ann vented a long letter about her situation and life with self injury. As she poured out her guts she lamented, "Why isn't there a book to help me explain my self injury to my kids?"

I thought, because no one has asked before.

And I wrote When Mom Hurts that very day. I sat on the manuscript for a few years not really sure how I wanted to proceed with it.

In 2002 on the self injury message boards, I began having to reply to a lot of mothers who wanted to know how to respond to their children's questions about their scars. I finally dug out the manuscript and put in some illustrations.

Those drawings were intended as temporary fillers until I had time to go back and properly illustrate it. I ran some rough draft copies to get feed back and sent them out. I figured the book would take a few months or so to finalize and boil down to its finally polished version.

I didn't fully comprehend the NEED for this book.

It took off and went like wild fire in its rough draft state! The cutting edge reviewed the rough draft and I started getting request from all over the world for copies.

I even got connected with Ann and sent her a copy.  It was so cool to talk to her!

The story doesn't end there. When my son was 7ish or so he came up to me and told me the shirt  I was wearing was his favorite one on me.

I was cleaning the garage and the shirt was a ratty old stained one. It was gross. I said "really? why?"

He smiled and said. "because it has long sleeves, and hides your ugly scars."

His words gouged my heart and took my breath away.  I had never hidden my scars and didn't normally wear long sleeves.

Wounded I retreated to the message board and wrote this:

after calming down and stepping off the anxiety train last night, I realized my son was pointing out to me the need for me to write a sequel.

As a writer it never ceases to amaze me how little control over my gift I have. I very, very seldom choose to write a story. They just come busting in to my mind and DEMAND to be written.

"When mom hurts" is aimed at introducing the topic of SIV to young kids. Designed to stir up conversation and more questions.

So its time now to answer those questions.

here is a peak into the writing process of my mind.
First I need a working title. (So I know what to call the project until its name comes to me.)
easy that one named its self.

"Long Sleeves"

Now to wait with yellow legal pad and zipped mouth and open ears to clearly hear what my son has to say when I interview him later today.
I can't answer his questions until he asked them. Its been too long since my farm kids asked me stuff, I don't remember what I told them, or how I handled things back then.

I know I will be unable to answer all his questions...and the book will stir up more. (great just got a commission for the conclusion of the trilogy)

Some where in my massive pile of things to finish are the manuscript for Long Sleeves for ages 7-10 and the conclusion of the trilogy that is for ages 11-15.

I should really finish them one day.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

mountains of glass

In the dark of the night I walked to work. Another storm brewing in the mountains. Snow on the ground. Town tucked in and ready to wait it out.

It was me the hush of a light snow fall and the darkness.

Eons ago in hypnotherapy I was asked to pick a image to be used as a switch to activate instant relaxation mode for all of my system.

I choose falling snow.

Because its so peaceful and quiet, and that was the place in my head I wanted to recreate/go to.

My hypnotherapy lessons have stuck with me. I still use them to this day.

So as I walked in the snowy night, I let my mind wander. A time of introspection and soul searching.

This one thing I miss about working in GP. The commute was 45 min of time to do this. A kind of self therapy session. Just me and my head.

I am still grappling with the diagnosis. That is what my head choose to discuss this dark night.

I have what is commonly referred to as "an invisible illness."

You would not look at me and think, "Oh, she is ill."

I once cared for a lady with multiple sclerosis. She told me that her daughter didn't believe that she was ill, and used to think she was faking it. Her daughter used to stab her in the legs with a fork to try to prove to her that there was nothing wrong with her muscles.

Sobering thoughts as I am finding my physical ability deteriorating.

I am struggling with coming to terms with the diagnosis's of myositis and rheumatoid arthritis. My body is struggling also with the natural winding down of my menses too. Peri-menopause + major illness + thyroid trouble + lifelong depression = more upheaval in my life then I want.

I took 2 week off last October with the intention of organizing my "healing journey" manuscript. It's all there I just need to put it in the right order and fill in any missing spots. I spent those two weeks riding out the side effects of being placed on prednisone and grappling with the new diagnosis. Brain fog so bad I could write even if I wanted too.

The arthritis in my hands so severe I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go back to work with then vacation was over. The S.A.D kicking my ass and open the door for my head to declare OPEN SEASON on me. I've spent the last 4 month fighting tsunami sized waves of suicidal thoughts.

Leading me to make a bucket list. Things to do while I still physically can. As I walked that night, the thing that my soul burped up first to put on the bucket list was to go visit the obsidian flow at the lava beds.

To stand with the mountains of shiny black glass. To marvel at the beauty that was born from such a chaotic violent birth.

I haven't been to the lava beds since I took the farm kids close to 20 years ago.  My parents took me there a lot as a child.

The history is deep and rich. The caves are all different and cherished friends.

Then there is the obsidian defies description. You go through the woods and then the trees give way to a massive. MASSIVE mountain range of beautiful volcanic glass. The sun just lights it up. There are huge boulders, small make-me-into-arrowheads pieces, and every size in between.

I once climbed it. The glass that dislodges in my wake made a tinkling sound as it danced down the hill side.

My soul needs to stand and cry with the mountains of glass. Sharp. shiny, black, dear dear old friends.  I need to see my reflection in the darkness of the obsidian. To search for the snow flake obsidian and see that snow can be captured and perfectly preserved, confirming that like me, beauty can exist in violent places.

To wait for the sun to find the rainbow's so much like me...when the sun catches us just right, you can see a rainbow in our darkness.

I need to travel to this sacred place and bath in the caves, and drink the obsidian.

I need  to grieve this new development in my guardian training.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Guest blogger again (What a surprise! :p -That guest)

iNSaNiTY & Justice

Crazy Or Justice?

What is the point anymore?

Is there even a reason for me to keep living?

All I am going to do is bring suspicion unless I tell them...

Or should I say the reason is because I just want to protect them all?

Well... That is the truth, regardless...

That is the reason why I’m hiding my right eye...

Why it’s always covered by my eyepatch...

Which side am I on anymore?

I can’t... Tell... Any... More....


Rurik Maeki noticed that I yelled. He rushed over and asked, “Hey! Vyviaka, are you okay?” I looked at him with a look saying “You don’t need to know”. All of our classmates started at us, just thinking how strange I am.

I noticed that I haven’t explained anything yet, have I? I am Vyviaka Saizono, a high school girl at Hope’s Peak Academy. I live in the city of Quirie. My hair goes right to my shoulders, as it is black. My right eye is covered by my eyepatch. I wear it to hide... Ah... Her... presence... My red eye also has a scar, a scratch mark on it. My left eye is blue, the sign of Justice in me. I wear Gothic black clothes. A long sleeved shirt, think black pants, a skirt, and a red bow in my hair on the right side. You can blame her for that. Who is her, you ask? Well, why don’t I tell you in a way that she would appreciate?

She is Darkness itself... She doesn’t care for anyone at all... She kills anyone she hates with a passion.... The serial killer, iNSaNiTY, kills with no mercy... You can know when she is near because she sings a certain song when she hunts her prey... (

“Everything is said and done,
Everyone has had their fun,
Time to make an exit from this fairy, tale,
My departure was forseen,
from the very beginning,
Assume life of insanity...”
“Hello, nice to meet you,
You seem familiar,
Have I met you before?
Goodbye, Sweetie,
Nice, to see you haven’t
talked, in quite a while”

The weight of the air is torture,
Don’t know who I am anymore,
The illusion of ignorance,
The weight of the air is torture,
Psychopathy, Don’t know who I am anymore,
The illusion of ignorance,
Try to stop if from corrupting...”

“I was never meant to be,
The paintings main centerpiece,
Hidden in a corner,
My outlines, are, fading,
The days have turned into night,
Darkness has consumed the light,
Assume life of insanity...”

The weight of the air is torture,
Don’t know who I am anymore,

(Lyrics by Zero. Miz-Kun , used without permission. Just borrowing it. :3)

And then it would repeat.
Now that I have explained to you that I am serial killer for some freaking reason, why don’t I explain who Rurik is? Rurik Maeki is a boy, and is also from Hope’s Peak Academy, like me. Rurik keeps pestering me about why I wear my eyepatch, because I never really gave an explanation as to why I wore it. He’s asked me why I wear it 614 times. And I always answer with, “I... Can’t tell you...” The whole reason as to why I wear it is

I am protecting everyone else, by hiding her from them....

Insanity does have a name, but she has not told a soul what it is before. Not even me, the girl she got fused with. That’s right.

We’re two2 different people...

It’s All Her Fault *Tilt*

Back at middle school, Insanity killed 37 students, without getting caught. I made a lot of friends during that time...

She killed five5 of my good friends.

Jul (Wagan) Ashica was always cheerful. She kept my spirits up. Jul’s name is spelled “Jul”, yet it is pronounced completely different. It was pretty strange to me, so I was interested as to why it was like that. She trusted me. Jul’s right eye has a star scar. She told me she got that from protecting the a guy she didn’t even know. Jul was fighting a gang of evil kids when she was in elementary school. Jul was so concerned about me. When I was about to warn her about Insanity’s next killing the night of the worst, most horrible, most awful, most disgusting, most bloody event at Opoku Middle School. I couldn’t find her in time, and when I entered the classroom where she was...

She decided to turn, right then.
She has ruined my life.

Estaca Hikokofin, “The Emo Freak of Opoku”, was indeed, emo. This time, I was the one comforting her. Estaca never showed her face. She never ran to make her hair move in the wing. She always stayed inside for recess, despite the teachers telling her to go out. Estaca didn’t care. I wanted to help her so much. The day before The Incident At Opokiu, I arranged a meeting with her. We both agreed to share our secrets after school and behind the school building that night. Fortunately, I was able to warn her about Insanity, and see her face. When I was able to see her emerald green eyes, I saw... A sparkle, like the one in my left eye, where Justice hides. And... I did... Take off my eyepatch, and showed her my scar, and Insanity’s eye. Even Estaca was afraid of her. Unlike Justice, the name I gave my eye, Insanity’s eye holds Crazy, Despair, Suffering, Pain, and the intent to kill. Estaca was able to see all these things because she was interested in occult. She was emo, after all. I remember what she told me while she was examining Insanity’s eye.

“...In your eyes, I can see that you don’t have much longer to live.”

But I still don’t understand what she meant. It’s been three3 years since I heard those words, and here I am, still alive and kicking. I just wish I could’ve asked her... What was I even thinking back then?

That should’ve been my first question! I acted as if I didn’t even hear her words...

“Don’t you remember? Your broken heart was hurting from guilt. You showed my eye without my permission... I thought that would’ve been obvious, Vivi... God, you really do embarrass me...”
“Huh? Wait... Insanity? Why are you speaking to me now?” I asked through my thoughts to her. “And also, I thought you hated my nickname?” Vivi is the nickname I let my close friends call me. I knew from the tone of Insanity’s voice that she was in a bad mood and not crazy, surprisingly. “Oh, please. I’m just here to help you clear your thoughts, Vivi. Your memory sucks, so you’re making me remember for you... And my god, am I in a bad mood for this...” It was weird hearing her not in her crazy tone. Funny, I’ve grown used to it... “Actually, you’ve said enough. Can you shut up now, please?” I asked, growing on the annoyed voice. I heard Insanity laugh. “Hahahahaha! Y-You actually thought I was in a bad mood? My god, are you stupid! Kyahahah!” There was the crazy tone again. Her evil laughter, her voice... It... Hurts... “Oh my god, m-my voice actually scares you... Ooooh I bet you hate m-my stutter, don’t y-you!” She insulted me. Of course. This is Insanity, after all. I realized something quickly, using the logic of Insanity. “You’re just trying to distract me from what I was in the middle of thinking, weren’t you? I was serious. Shut up!” Insanity stayed silent after hearing this.

“D-Do you ever learn? I-I could kill you if I wanted to... When I turn, I can make you commit suicide. But o-of course I can’t do that... Since, we are an experiments, and I am just too beautiful to die...” She said, confusing me even more.

*Static and Glitches*

Stuck In The Past

“Heeahahahhah! I-I will-”
I cut her off before I was suspicious. Rurik looked at me a little funny. “Vyviaka? Are you okay?” he asked again. Paranoid, I answered, “I-I’m fine...” And then I walked to class, forgetting that.

Back to what I was saying...

Estaca saw something in my eye that I couldn’t see. I have no idea what she saw in my eye. Of course, I told her why I wore the eyepatch. “I wear it... To protect others from her.” I knew she was going to ask if I was really Insanity, a famous serial killer. “I hate to admit it, but... Y-Yes, I am... H-H-Her... iNSaNiTY...” Estaca stepped away from me. “No wonder you’ve been hiding your eye...” I trembled. “Sh-Sh-She... Is going to turn sometime tomorrow... At some time... She’s planning a kill...” The ambiance fell silent. Neither of us knew what to say. I put my eyepatch back on, and left Estaca.

Uichi Inigami, a normal, run-of-the-mill middle school student was also one of my friends. I asked him about the other places of the world that I don’t know about. He knew so much about nature an animals. Whenever I had any questions, I would usually ask Uichi.
Wako Yasujika was a “derpy” kid. His eyes were sideways. This caused him to get bullied so much. I’m surprised he stayed alive that long in suffering. He told me that all he did was stay positive. Wako never let the actions of others destroy him. He was always so determined to keep going forward. He had his own dreams... But then Insanity ruined that for him...
It’s all... My, godforsaken fault... No, I should be blaming those evil, horrible, unforgivable, insane people for this...
But in truth, it’s actually my mother’s fault...

If only I knew who she was...

And finally, Naizoiay Kanaki was my last good friend... He’s part of the famous Kanaki Corporation. He thought he was always important than others, which made him a little “bossy”, as others described it. To me, it was more like reliable. Naizoiay wanted to be a leader someday. I remember a conversation I had with him. “Consider it a great privilege to be my so-called ‘friend’.” Naizoiay said at a lunch table with me two2 seats beside him. I was curious as to what his family was like, so I asked. “What kind of people are in your family?” I thought it was a kind of personal question after saying it aloud, but I wanted to know. Naizoiay wasn’t looking at me when he was speaking. “Hmph. Fine. I do indeed have an older sister. But she is more bossy than what they say about me. I can tell you one thing: She’s crazy.” I was surprised to hear the word “crazy” again, so I flinched. “I-Is that a secret?” I had asked him. He wasn’t hesitating to answer me. I thought that was strange. “She thinks of it as one. But hiding your true nature is just not right. Being yourself is what you should do,” Naizoiay answered, and looked at me in the blue eye, as if he knew I was hiding something. Which I was. “Anyway, now is my turn to ask a question. Why-” I cut him off. “You can ask anything that has nothing to do with my eyepatch.” There was a short pause, and then Naizoiay spoke again. “Well... I was just about to ask that. Are you interested in serial killers?” I heard the suspicion in his voice. He must’ve known why I was wearing the eyepatch. “W-Well... Who would?” I tried concluding the subject, but he just went on. “Recently, I’ve been reading about these serial killers, Genocide Jack, Sparkling Justice, iNSaNiTY, and Swear Stabber. Do you happen to know anything about them?”

This was the first time I lied about something that didn’t have to do with “why I wear an eyepatch”.


I felt confidence at the moment. I felt the cheers. I felt the determination. I felt normal. I felt...


He noticed all those feelings in my eyes. “Meet me behind the school building after dismissal.” And then he got up and left.

But then... A sudden vision clouded my eyesight.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

the Paja side effect

Soooo....the forced changed in thyroid medication (do to once again a levoxyl shortage) has caused the prednisone to abruptly stop working. 

yippy skippy.

Looking again at the other two drugs the doc want to use.

1st one has common side effect of CANCER.

2nd one uses words like DEVESTATING, and IRREVERSABLE in the same sentence as it details vison side effects that will lead to blindness.


just shoot me now.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Quiting my day job

Rheumatology appointment tomorrow. Everything is flared and out of control I am sure I'm sure I am going to get the "You shouldn't be working" lecture from this new doctor.

Been steeling my self for it.

Doctors have been telling me this since my 20's. The problem is, they don't tell me how to live without money. Hah.

So been thinking about this and I really need to give up one of my two jobs.

I'm going to give up the one I can't keep up with. The one that cause me to dread... my days on.
The one that pays the least.



Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Guest blogger again. Her latest book.

My daughters talent at writing dwarfs mine. Seriously how many 10 years olds write like this? I sit here and watch the stories just pour out of her into the computer. I am watching the voice of her generation.

(C) 2016 H. R. all rights reserved.

(This is written in cursive)
6:14 PM 12/16/2016
I've been wandering through this hall of somepony's home. My old filly life still trying to get out of my memory. I take my time writing in this notebook I've found on the graystone of this city. I do know Flis Gis, but that is a whole nother story. Of course, you know I am a mare, right?
I'm still just wandering through this hall, with my memory decapitating. I only remember few things from being a filly. And I hope you do like my hand writing. It takes practice to write so beautifully. I've got no clue who shall read my notes. But I'll shall throw them to the sky and move out when I've finished writing whatever.
6:20 PM 12/16/2016
Sorry about that pause. I had to stop writing because I saw Chrome Pony, just lying injured on a wall. Or what's left of her, anyway. I had looked at her, my head cocked and my eyes still bleeding with pain. "Chr-Chrome Pony? Is your heart still intact? Unlike... M-Mine?" My voice was still shaking since Pinkamena had fillynapped me. The horrors are still in my mind... Of that stuffed, Rainbow Dash head... It looked so real...
Well, anyway, Chrome Pony had looked at me, scarcely even trying to open her eyes. Her left front leg was missing, along with her back right leg. She had wires all ovver body and a chain collar on her neck. One pupil of hers was gone, replaced by a metal eye. "G-G-Gr... Ms. An-Anar-Anarchy.... How... Am I still breathing?" Chrome asked me, moving her hoof up a bit and looked at the wires coming out of the other hoof which wasn't there.
I took a step back, with precaution. "I ask myself the same question everynight and everyday."
Chrome was breathing heavy and was wheezing. "Am... I-I ali-ive?" she murmured, trying to speak but knew she couldn't. "Pr-Probably, yeah. B-But it s-seems what-ev-ever or wh-whoever did this to y-you must've wanted you to be-become a cy-cyborg," I responded, still with the shaky voice.
Chrome was surprised to hear me with a shaky voice. I could tell by the way her mouth and eyes were shaped.
6:46 PM 12/16/2016
Time is passing, isn't it? I just thought I'd give you another check in so you know what time I did what.
That is what had happened earlier. And this now.
I'm looking at Chrome Pony. We had sat down and decided to chat. "If y-you'd l-like to hear about what happened to me... Ms. iNSaNiTy..." she started, looking at my empty blinded white eyes head on. "I was just walking, stuck in my thoughts, when all of a su-sudden, En-Ennard came down t-the hall and grabbed me. H-His words are still in my head... 'You've escaped once... MARE! And I won't let you go without a fight! So you c-can believe all you want... I want to make this more interesting than just s-simply 'killing' you. I want to see if I can MAKE you a s-suit!' And h-he did whatever he could to make me ex-exactly that. He had left me once I looked like a cyborg-g m-mare being."
"Wow... That must've been painful," I said, concerned. Chrome Pony is looking at what my hooves are doing. "Why are you writing this?" Welp, I got some explaining! "I want to write about what happens to me. So somepony could find my notes, left where the last word was written. Maybe I'll actually matter then..." The shakiness was out of my voice fully now.
Wow, I've already gone through five5 pages writing this! Well, I guess I'll write some more later.
7:06 PM 12/16/2016
This is- Wait, did I tell you my name? OOPS. Eh-ehm.
7:07 PM 12/16/2016
This is
Gretel iNSaNiTY Anarchy Darkness,
7:08 PM 12/16/2016
I will be back, to my life of help, but just no p, and two2 l's
1:39 PM 12/17/2016
"Hey, Ms. An-Anarchy, you ar-aren't going to leave me, r-right?" Chrome Pony asked me when I got up from sitting next to her on the wall. "What choice do I have?" I asked, turning my head so my eyes were met with Chrome Pony's.
She tried using her broken hooves to get up from the wall, but didn't succeed. "You c-could take me with y-you by using your magic to carry m-me. Isn't that why you're an al-alicorn?"
I looked regretfully at the ground of the hall. "You'd just drag me down."
There was robot in Chrome's voice this time. "I-I wouldn't! I c-could help you save y-you from your-s-self."
1:46 PM 12/17/2016
"There are only two2 stallions who are capable of that!" I yelled at her, then turned the other way and tried cryimg. But Don't Cry had always told me, "Don't Cry, little filly. I never had a name, but my name is my favorite phrase!"
Chrome Pony sighed with hatred. "I-I guess I shouldn't b-be surprised. You are a-an evil mare, a-after all"
6:40 PM 12/17/2016
I had left Chrome Pony to die alone, like I was soon to, too. I had escaped the hall that I was stuck in after an hour of running and flying. I am now on the graystone again, in this world of pain and sorrow. My life is full of lies and death. Rainbow Dash had been flying forever and ever, searching for the end, with Daring Do. I never pronounced her name right. I seemed to say "Daring Doe".
6:51 PM 12/17/2016
I'm just sitting on a bench the humans used to use before the apocalypse.
Fluttershy was with the trees whilst her eyes were black with tiny red pupils in the center, she had one1 leg cut off, that being her left front one. She was killing all the animals and only caring for the plants. Psycho Fluttershy hasn't seen another pony in six6 weeks. Which is a month.
7:04 PM 12/17/2016
Dash still has her sanity, unlike the rest of us. She and Daring Do are trying to find a cure for our Craziness. She doesn't yet understand. There is no cure for lost sanity.
7:10 PM 12/17/2016
Apple Jack is now at a farm in the middle of a forest, killing any creature insight. Her eyes are just like Fluttershy's. Psycho Apple Jack just kills living beings with apples, in some way.
7:14 PM 12/17/2016
Pinkie, Psycho Pinkamena Diane Pie, is now fillynapping anypony she finds alone. She hangs them on a wall, then she kills them in a very gruesome way. She had almost killed me, but luckily my iNSaNiTY Magic was stronger than Psycho Pinkamena's Happiness Magic. Her eyes are like Psycho Fluttershy's and Psycho AJ's. Pinkamena (Psycho Pinkamena takes a lot of time) is making cupcakes with pony organs.
7:17 PM 12/17/2016
Psycho Rarity is now using pony organs and blood to make dresses. She's using sewing needles to murder ponies. Her eyes are the same, aswell.
7:20 PM 12/17/2016
Twilight Sparkle... Or, should I say, Solid Sparkle, is now wandering around cities and towns, murdering without anypony hearing a word. She's really sneaky that way. Solid has an ax and a knife. She uses the knife for sneaky kills. But when no pony is around to witness it, she grabs the ax for the most joy of the kill. Solid is the only one without Psycho in the beginning, besides me.
7:24 PM 12/17/2016
I bet you're wondering how I know all this. I've seen them. I've traveled everywhere, and seen what they do. I use my magic to go invisable so I am not detected and murdered. Except for PP, Psycho Pinkamena, because I witnessed that first hoof!
7:30 PM 12/17/2016
This, has been Gretel iNSaNiTY Anarchy Darkness.
For I,
am Princess Anarchy,
7:31 PM 12/17/2016
I will be back, to my life of help, but just no p, and two2 l's
4:52 PM 12/18/2016
I'm now running in a maze. It's not fun, but it is scary as help. I'm not sure if this is the one1 where the Distrokeneds rome. They've been through so much. Ever since The second Pizzeria was built, Freddy and his friends have been in pain. They are WAT. Where Are They?. I don't envy them.
I heard a scream. It sounded like Bing, Xycron, Robin. He and Breezy have been stuck in this maze for so long. I need to get out before it's too late!
"Arr, scalywags. Always tryin' to hide from your old pal Foxy, aren't ye'?" I knew that voice. I knew it very well.
It was Distrokened Faxy.
In case you didn't know, the Distrokeneds are the FNAF crew, but more scarier and broken. The word 'Distrokened' comes from the two2 words 'Destroy' and 'Brokened'. Yes, we all know 'Brokened' is not a word.
Well, it is now.
I know very well that Distrokened Mangel, Distrokened Baconnie, Distrokened Chic-Chic, Distrokened Fraddy, Distrokened Bollaan Boi, and Distrokened Puuppet are somewhere here aswell.
Those were their replacements. They sought them down and brought them to their new humble abode.
Why do I know so much, you might ask? I think it's because I've been through so much and DIED so many times, that I now know so much.
"YARR HARR!" Distrokened Faxy yowled.
I went the apposite of his voice. They still haven;t figured out I'm there. Why can't I use my magic and teleport, you're asking? Magic doesn't work in this maze.
It's all about capability, speed, and luck.
But unfortunately for me, Distrokened Chica (CH I CUH) was looking around the corner and saw me. "Bok-bok! Mare sighted! All dead children focus on it's death!" she said, with only one leg and tried hopping to me. I quickly flew past her.
Well, this will be fun. ;(
5:41 PM 12/18/2016
I flew fast through this maze. "Don't try running, or in your case, flying," Distrokened Bonnay said. "Not today, Bonnie!" I called to him and flew past. I heard a bark from behind me. It was one of the only two2 with both legs intact. He could run much faster than Freddy, though. "Funny to see you here, Anarchy!" Why hasn't anypony called me by my real name yet?
I came to a dead end. Faxy was behind me. I looked at his torso, which was his endoskeleton. He was missing his left hand, his eyepatch, and his right ear.
I heard Distrokened Faxy begin to chant.
"I rome these halls endlessly; my soul deteriorating; I was the pirate the knew as Foxy; now I am Dis-Dis-Dis-DISTROKENED FAXY! I still can bite; I still can hear, I still can kill, I still can run, I still can chase,"
He opened his eyes and charged at me, his hook headed straight for my dead heart.
I flew up, just a second before he hit my soul. "You, sneaky mare..." Faxy grabbed me with what was left of his hands, and put his jaw to my neck. "You will suffer with THEM."
I kicked him with my back leg. "Not today, Foxy." My magic came through and then I picked Faxy up with my purple aura. "Try me."
Faxy made choking sounds and tried to rebel against my powerful magic. Celestia would be proud of me.
"A-Ah... I-I'm sorry... An-Anarchy... Plea-se... I d-don't want to d-die again..." Distrokened Faxy begged. I thought about it. "Maybe... But you better leave me alone, Pirate."
"O-Okay..." I put him down with a thud. Bonnay, Chica, and Freddy came to us. I noticed Mangel was on the ceiling. "F-Faxy?" she said. "Arr, methinks I'm okay..." he replied, his eyes going normal and not evil.
6:17 PM 12/18/2016
"Why is mare still breathing?" Chica asked. "Chica, she could've killed ME. This scalywag is more dangerous than the other two2," Faxy replied, standing up.
"I'm surprised Robin and Bree are still alive. I thought they would've died by now from you robots," I said. Bonnay looked at me. "I thought Anarchy hated us." I stamped my hoof with disapproval. "That's not true! I used to love you guys until robot pony places started opening up! And can ONE1 of you say my actual name and not my middle name for once?"
They all stared for a while, in silence. "We called you Anarchy because of the mark on your flank. We never knew it was your middle name. Plus you never told us your name in the first place," Freddy explanined.
"It's Gretel, okay?" I concluded. "It might take awhile to not say Anarchy, though. We've been calling you that this whole time," Bonnay said.
"Y-You don't s-scare me, M-Ms. Darkness," Mangel said from the ceiling. I looked up in surprise. "How do you know my last name?" Mangel looked around at the walls of the maze. "O-Oh, I've just b-been outside looking at t-the papers that find th-their way to our m-maze."
6:32 PM 12/18/2016
I stared at her for awhile, in shock. "The news has my name in it?" I asked.
"Apparently. It just says that a dark mare has been walking around, giving murderous stares at all the ponies she doesn't know. They asked who she was, and the name ended up being 'Gretel Darkness'. It had pictures of you, so I know you for sure," Mangel told me.
Faxy glared at her. "And you never bothered telling us, that, Distrokened Mangel?"
"May I leave?" I asked the four4 robots.
They all looked at eachother. "Sure. The exit is in that direction," Freddy pointed to his right, which was my left. "Bye, new found allies!" and with that, I rushed out and went back to the graystone and continued my endless journey.
6:42 PM 12/18/2016
This is Gretel Darkness,
6:43 PM 12/18/2016
I will be back, to my life of help, but just no p, and two2 l's
4:31 AM 12/18/2006
I smiled while Skylar walked up to Twilance. "Pony robots aren't that bad!"
I listened to her robotic voice, intrigued. "Have a fantasicalicous day!"
Chris giggled and nudged my side playfully. "Isn't this exciting, Gret?" I looked at Chrome Pony and answered, "Yeah, but I still love the original robot resturaunt. This is just really cool!" Skylar was jumping up and down with excitement. "Twilance, will you please shake my hoof?"
And Twilance did just that.
Ma had come in right at the very minute. "Fillies and colt! It's time to go home!" Skylar was disappointed. "Aww, I wanna stay some more!" Chris sighed with disapproval. "I wanted to stay for longer!" I looked at his yellow bat eyes. The two2 pegasi and I ran to Ma and she took us home.
Ma dropped Skylar and Chris at their homes. I sat on our couch, just chilling there. Liko just got back from playing at the park with his friends, Kya (CURE YAH) and Feril. (FAIR URL)
"Hey sis! How was Twilance and Chrome Pony's Entertainmemt?" he asked. Calmly, I answered, "It was fun... REALLY fun!" Liko sat next to me. "Gret, can we both promise to never leave one another?" I fell back in shock. "Of course! You're my brother, after all. And we're both the same!"
What I meant by same, was that he and I both had multiple forms and sides. No other pony was like us. No other pony is always
But it wasn't just Liko and me.
Opal, Ma, is the same.
But Gister, Fa, was nothing like us.
He wasn't family. He wasn't like us.
He doesn't know the feeling of pain every second of a pony's life. Only few mares and stallions are selected to be most powerful, but always
9:02 PM 12/18/2016
The thought of Liko made my eyes feel like crying. But I haven't cried in nine9 years, because Don't Cry always made sure I didn't cry. I'm not even sure if she has a name, but I called her Don't Cry. She haunted me once I was a year old.
Why am I crying of the thought of my only brother? Well, to put it simply
Liko Fackened Uicano Illusion is dead.
He died from his evil and good side. Those two2 were too much for him. He died when he was six6.
Meaning he didn't keep his promise.
Opal? She is still alive somewhere. I can feel her presance on this earth. She is why I haven't gone iNSaNiTY.
Gister? I murdered him after Liko died. To make myself feel better.
I bet you're wondering why Liko's lastname is different to the one I have now.
9:09 PM 12/18/2016
Liko Fackened Uicano Illusion.
Gretel iNSaNiTY Anarchy Darkness.
I changed my name. To fit my depression. My name was
Gretel Yx Quisla Illusion.
I was pretty much ready to die when Liko died. He was the only pony who could make me happy. But Opal convinced me to stay. I'm not the only one1 who's DYING INSIDE.
There was also another stallion, Antagananoid, Antogoid, Anto, who made me happy. He was concerned for my well being. I have no clue where he or Ma is. Duotsan did care... Somewhat. I mean, I saved him from an encounter with Funtim Faxy. He saved me from Pinkie Fazpie, who is wandering the city somewhere.
I had traveled with him for awhile. But we had partways when Psycho Wizzcore and Psycho Fire Sparkle had chased us.
4:16 AM 5/22/2013
Duotsan cocked his head to the side. "This world is pretty strange and dangerous. Just so much happens, you know?" I looked ahead of us before I got a chance to reply. It was Cheerilee. "Help! Somepony!" she cried. Cheerilee was lying on the graystone, with a knife stuck inside her back left foreleg. "I think Solid has been here," Duotsan precautioned. I flipped my ears back. "I sure hope she has left. Or we're dead!"
We ran to Cheerilee, who was in pain on the graystone. "Gr... Ms. Darkness... Duotsan... Help.... P-Please...." I felt her heartbeat. "How are we supposed to help, might I ask?" Duotsan looked at me. "Since your magic is strongest, use it to slowly take the knife out. Then we can patch it up with sine bandages I have in my bag," he said, and used his magic to pick out a medkit. I focussed myself.
"With the power of the dead,
And the strength of the living,
Combined with my souless magic,
Give me the power I need to help my intentions!" I don't have to chant. But doing it can give my magic more power.
Then I used my purple aura and took out the knife, slowly and carefully. "Ow.. Oww... Help...." Cheerilee groaned. I stopped a second. "If I take it out fast, it won't hurt as much."
"Then do it.. Ugh... I'm ready..." she was being brave about this.
I took it out. "AHHHHHH!!!!!!" Cheerilee screamed in agony. Duotsan quickly starting patching the wound. I sat her up, sitting against the wall. "Mind telling us what happened to you?" I asked. She groaned more. "Well... I was trying to find somepony or like some sort of camp with survivors of the apocalyspe... But then, somepony came from beind me and stabbed my leg. I immediately fell. The pony started dragging me into this crack between the buidlings, but then Rainbow Dash and Daring Do came and drove the pony away. They forgot about me, they were both too busy trying to scare whoever that was away."
I was surprised and asked, "Wait, Dash isn't infected?" This is how I knew she wasn't insane. Cheerilee's face looked as if she thought that was something stupid to say. "Of course she is! You really think Rainbow Dash would go insane that easily?" And I reply with, "Well... I went insane when Liko.... died. I've been insane my whole life! I'm not like anypony else!"
"I think we should get going, Gretel. We need to find all the others," Duotsan encouraged. "Okay. By the way, Cheerilee, never let your guard down. I'm almost positive Solid Sparkle was the one1 who was trying to murder you," I said after.
9:49 PM 12/18/2016
I'm now wallking through this huge city once more. We're all in this same place. Chrysalis, the Changling Queen, had put a forcefield around this giant city. She's been keeping all the infected here. Including the not infected, aswell. This has been going on for three3 years. And I will get us out. Somenight....
9:54 PM 12/18/2016
This is Gretel Darkness,
9:55 PM 12/18/2016
I will be back, to my life of help, but just no p, and two2 l's
12:41 PM 12/19/2016
I decided to fly up for once. I have wings yet I don't use them often. I caught the glimpse of a fast, flying rainbow. "Who's there?" I asked, yet you and I both know who it was.
Rainbow Dash.
"Huh? Oh, hi there!" She came back and looked at me with her flapping pegasi wings. Daring Do came too.
"Are you okay? You look like The Infected. We don't want to die," Daring Do said. I cocked my head. "I'm imune."
They both stared at me, with surprised faces. "What?! How?" With a sigh, I reply with, "I've always been insane. This is no difference."
"We're trying to find as many Sane as possible and bringing them all to our safe camp. This city is just so huge!" Dash explained. I don't reply with much. Just a whisper. "Haven't you realized our lives are all DOOMED? Chrysalis is going to set a bomb off here, and then we'll all die. All but me, Opal, and Anto." Daring Do moved her hoof up in question. "Why just three3 survivors? How do you knwo all this? What is even your name?" I sighed again. "Gretel Darkness. Only those three3 will be within the safety of my soulless magic. My life has always been horrible. And I'm not letting anypony ruin it like what happened four4 years ago! How? You ask? How? HOW? Try asking 'why' for once. Then maybe you'll understand."
Dash and Daring looked at eachother. I give no mercy with words.
"Come to our camp. It's a lot safer than out here where you could easily get infected. Like..." Dash paused. I saw one1 small, slender tear fall down her cheek.
It made sense.
I knew the feeling.
The feeling of your friends/family being gone forever.
1:03 PM 12/19/2016
I decided to go with them. Only because maybe Opal or Anto would be there. I mean, Anto would probably go there. But Opal?
Nah, I know her too well.
She, I, and Liko, we're all the exact same. We would choose the same things.
Once I'd arrived, there wass no sign of Opal, like I'd expected. But Duotsan is here. "Gretel?" he asked in surprise. "I thought you would've died by now from yourself." I still have my spirit in me. "I'm going to leave this city."
"Have you seen Anto?" I asked Duotsan. "No, unfortunatly. But I saw your mother. She didn't believe me when I said I'd seen you. She thought I was like, some sort of pony from an evil organisation, trying to fool her. You wouldn't believe how different she looked from when I saw her first with you," he told me. This is great. I thought to myself. Us evil, insane, psycopath, crazy killers would be united.
"Where did all the others go? I sure as help hope they're not infected!" Duotsan had a sad expression on his face. "I do, too. I do, too."
But then Daring Do came in a rush. "We need help right away! Two2 pegasuses are hurt!" Duotsan quickly hurried out as Daring Do carried him. "Anypony else?"
Flitter and Cloud Chaser flew, carrying a unicorn and an earth pony.
I came, too.
2:26 PM 12/19/2016
When we reached the destination where help was needed, I was in shock and glory.
The two2 pegasi just happened to be
my old friends
Skylar Langislet & Chris Gakke.
Chris had a knife in his back left foreleg, like Cheerilee did three3 years ago. Skylar had her front right foreleg's bone relocated in the wrong spot. "Help... Please..."
The didn't notice me.
I can understand. If I was in pain, I'd just focus on being alive and not who helped me.
Duotsan looked at Chris. "I've handled this situation before. Gretel?" He was hinting at the time when I had took a knife out of Cheerilee's back left foreleg. So I did what I did back then. "Chris, be ready. This might hurt a bit. But it'll be less pain." He moaned, with a slender tear come down his cheek, like Dash did awhile ago.
"Okay... Do it..." Chris said regretfully. I pulled it out, real fast. "OOOOWWWWW!" he hollered. "Shh! Please keep your voice down! Don't attract The Infected!" Dash warned. The unicorn and earth pony started patching Chris's leg up immediatly. Skylar looked at me. "Gr-Gretel? Please... Fix me..." Skylar would be much harder to deal with. But little did I know, my magic is much stronger than I originally thought.
My healing magic enagaged at that very minute. My light side was kicking in to help now. My purple aura moved Skylar's bones and then fixed them in ten10 seconds. "H-How...?" she questioned, then she got up, perfectly fine. "You saved me, Gretel!" Chris smiled as Skylar was hugging me. "You know eachother?" Daring Do questioned.
"Fillyhood friends," we both replied. "Colthood friends, too," Chris added.
2:47 PM 12/19/2016
We healed Chris up and flew back, them and I catching up, of course.
"How's life been for you?" Skylar asked. "Did you ever think of us?" Chris asked. "Yes... I did... Skylar, you forgot again," I answered. "Wh- Oh. Thaaaat. How am I supposed to make a question relating to that with 'Why' in it?"
I had to tell Daring Do and Rainbow Dash this now. "I'm going once we reach the camp."
Surprised, Dash asked, "Why? It's safer!" Duotsan wasn't surprised. Frankly, he was the exacy opposite of surprised. "Of course. That's the Gretel I know." Daring Do was as surprised as Dash. "You could die!"
I've alreay died, Daring Do.
I've been dead this whole time.
Haven't you realized?
"I will not rest until I find my mother!" I shouted, getting the attention of some infected.
Without thinking, I flew the opposite direction of the camp. I didn't know what was going on behind me, at all.
2:58 PM 12/19/2016
I reached some graystone, faraway from the camp. Just when I thought Iwas alone once more, Duotsan's voice came from behind me.
"Hold up, Gret!"
I turned. Skylar, Chris and Duotsan were there. "We're not letting you go alone... Again," Skylar said.
Then I felt a strike of pain to my back left foreleg.
Skylar, Chris, and Duotsan all shouted at the same time who that pony was.
3:03 PM 12/19/2016
This is Gretel Darkness,
3:03 PM 12/19/2016
I will be back, to my life of help, but just no p, and two2 l's
12:42 PM 12/20/2016
Mana looked sort of like to Skylar, but not quite. Mana took the knife out, hurting me again. "Skyla?" Skylar sighed and facepalmed. "It's Skylar, not Skyla!" Duotsan got his magic ready. Mana backed away, while I tried to get up. "I know what it feels like," Chris tried to cheer me up.
Can one1 really cheer someopny up if they just felt a knife go through their leg?
Duotsan patched the injury up. Mana's eyes were light blue, the back being white, like most normal ponies, but the puils being like a batpony's, like Chris's yellow eyes. She was a Fight of Justice, but she got infected, unfortunaetly. Along with two2 other Fighters of Justice.
What a shame.
"Y-You know this dark, evil, dispicable, and stupid mare?" Mana insulted. I glared at her. "So what if I'm evil and dark? You're the infected, here." Her bat eyes grew thinner. "I'm not infected. I am. Insane," she told me. "I wish you were dead," she added.
With a bandage on my leg, keeping the blood inside me, I stood up. "Gretel?" Skylar was concerned for this horriible mare that is me. I closed my eyes a second. When they opened, The right side was black. The left side was white. I flew up, without even knowing what I was doing. My horn got stuck on a telephone wire. I heard Chris and Skylar's wings flap behind me. "Gretel! Stop! Control it! Fight back! Fight the twi2 sides! Win the war! Gretel!" They both called.
Then I blacked out.
5:49 PM 12/20/2016
I woke up in a room with gray walls. My vision was blurry. I heard some hoofsteps in the neary hallway.
The minute I saw the stallion, my heart was filled with hope.
It was him.
The other stallion that could SAVE....ME....FROM...MYSELF....
"Anto?!" I cried out in surprise, my voice cracking. "You finally woke up. Is your head okay?" he asked. I looked at my body. The bandage on my leg was gone, replaced with my gray skin. "My head feels... Crazy..." I said quietly, trying to not hurt my voice.
"So you're still Gretel Illusion?" Antogoid questioned. I glared at Anto, my anger boiling in my soul.
"I, am NOT Illusion no more! Didn't I tell you? I. AM. GRETEL. DARKNESS!!!" I yelled, my voice perfectly fine.
Duotsan, Skylar, and Chris all heard it and came beside Anto. "I really hope Mana didn't infect her..." Skylar said with a concerned look.
How could they betray me?
Didn't they know who I was and still am?
Why do they keep forgetting?
They're idiots!
6:00 PM 12/20/2016
"Where am I?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "Inside the cellar of the jail," Chris explained. "Why?" The word I seem to use every time I can came out of my mouth that second.
"We don't want you getting yourself killed out there. There's still a lot to life you need to experience. You're our friend, Gretel," Anto said. Anger and worry in my voice, I said, "Are you going to keep me in here for the rest of the apocalyspe??"
They all looked at each other.
But before I let them sanswer, I teleported out.
No pony is keeping this mare contained!
6:10 PM 12/20/2016
I went to a random location, which was on the graystone. The place looked so familiar to me. It looked like the one1 that I came on when I left Chrome Pony.
It was the same place.
I dashed into the building where Chrome Pony was. I came to the never seeming to end hallway and eventually found Chrome Pony again. She was lying there on the floor, lifeless. Her blood was everywhere. It was scattered.
I guess she either committed suicide, or somepony came and finished her off.
And that somepony got on top of me, putting an ax to my throat.
6:19 PM 12/20/2016
This is Ms. Darkness,
6:20 PM 12/20/2016
I will be back, to my life of help, but just no p, and two2 l's
10:10 PM 12/26/2016
I have been called the 'Darkened Goddess'. Darkened has two2 meanings. One1 is Night or Darkness. The other means
So whenever there's a murder, when nopony knew the killer yet, the police would call them the Darkened. Some prefer to say 'Blackened' instead. I prefer Darkened.
10:14 PM 12/26/2016
I was knocked out for awhile. When I awoke, Solid Sparkle had me hanging inside of a building. A rope was tied to my horn and my wings, holding them in place aswell has making me immobolized. I was connected to the ceiling.
10:16 PM 12/26/2016
"Morning, Darkened," Solid greeted. I stared at her. "My name is Gretel, thank you." She didn't look like she cared at all for that sentence, and just carried on. "You're in my humble abode. I really like you, Darkened Goddess. I like that title. I've always wanted it to be my title... Oh, everypony would start to pay attention to ME instead of that horrifically defformed, demon mare..." Solid looked thougyhtful. "Darkened, how about we make a deal?" she asked me. With more glares I answered with, "You want a deal, then untie me from the ceiling. Then I'll see."
10:23 PM 12/26/2016
"I'm afraid I can't do that. If I let you down, you could teleport and escape from me. And I can't trust you yet to not make that decision. Are you okay with that?" Solid answered me, along with another question. Before answering, I looked about the room I was currently located in. The walls were gray brick, not too facinating. The room was dark. It smelt of blood and cement. Blech! The horrid smell!
10:28 PM 12/26/2016
There were red lights on the ceiling, but around me there was a whitish grayish light. In a corner of the room, there was a saw, hanging from gray brick lower than the actual ceiling itself. There were pony skulls on one1 little area of the walls. I noticed there was a door in a corner. It was closed and had a sign saying
"Fine. Just make sure you let me live," I replied back. "Oh, I wouldn't even THINK of killing you. You're very special, Darkened. You need ti remember that fact." Solid kept walking around the room, gesturing with her hooves when she spoke. Of course, I had nothing to really do. Speaking of which, what even CAN you do from the ceiling when you're a pony?
Don't think I don't know of other beings on this planet of ours.
Never assume things.
Or it will end horrifically.
10:36 PM 12/26/2016
"Who's the mare you hate so much?" I asked. "The only one1 of the Mane Six6 who hasn't gone iNSaNiTY." Right then, I knew who she was talking about.
Rainbow Dash.
"Why Dash?" I asked another question. "Because she thinks she's si cool, when I'M supposed to be the mane pony here..."
"My turn for questions. Ehem, how even DID you get the title Darkened Goddess in the first place? Darkened, you're a valuable mare in this posistion. You're very crucial for getting out of this city, even if you may not even know it," Solid stated and asked.
Now that's multi tasking.
Then came for me to reply. "I got it for the killings I committed. They called me Darkened and not Blackened because I said Darkened. The other reason was because I acted nocturnal. Nopony knew why. It's because I love the night. The dark hours are so peaceful to me..." I didn't bother saying anything about how crucial Solid said I was for getting out. It'd just make it harder for me to write later!
10:51 PM 12/26/2016
"I see... Darkened, I need you to shut up for a bit. If she knows you're in here, she'll kill me in cold blood. Please, for my life's sake," Solid cautioned. I agreed to it with a nod. I let Solid hide me underneath towels that were supposedly used to clean up murder messes. I looked through a little window hole thingy.
10:58 PM 12/26/2016
I heard hoofsteps come from the door I saw earilier. Then a mare with Vinyl's mane and Twilight's tail busted through. My eyes opened wide, with surprisement and glory.
I had the urge to bust out of the towels and hug her to death. But I didn't. Why? Because Ma looked horrible. Absolutely horrific.
Her mane was all messy and bloody. Her eyes were empty. When I looked at them, it was like there was no soul in her head at all. The tip of her horn was cut off. Some hair off her tail was missing. She had scratches and blood all over her body. Her dark blue coat looked almost completely black. She had am alicorn wing taped to her back. It was a blue wing, sort of like Ma's coat before the infection.
"Solid, have you gotten anything done within this timespan?" Ma aske Solid. Solid grabbed a knife with her magic and examined it. "I saw Mana stab Gretel. She's not dead, but out here somewhere, Opal." Her eyes opened wide and not blank and lowered. "Gr... My daughter is still ALIVE?????!!!!!!!! She can survive this apocalyspe?! I guess I shouldn't be surprised... She is me, after all. We're both one1 and the same..." Ma sighed with relief.
She smiled.
"Funny. I haven't seen you smile at all until just now," Solid pointed out. Ma looked around the room, as if Solid was hiding something.
Which she was.
11:23 PM 12/26/2016
"Where is my little Darkened Goddess now? Which way did she go?" Ma asked, walking around. "Darkened- Gretel, teleported somewhere. I haven't seen her since Chris, Skylar, and Duotsan took her somewhere. I have no clue.. Sorry....." There was a long silence between them. Ma looked at the ropes that had held me up at the ceiling. Ma is pretty observant. She'll find me at some point. I just know it.
"Fillynapping somepony, eh?" Ma said. "Where'd they go now? Dead?" Solid was getting nervous. I could tell by the way she was acting. "Y-Yeah.. No need to worry, Opal..." Solid gave a quick glance at me while Ma was examining the ropes carefully. "What are you hiding from me, Solid Sparkle? Spit it out before I search this whole room," Ma questioned, getting very suspicious.
Solid didn't answer. So doing as she said, Ma looked at every corner and every possible hiding spot. But when she uncovered the towels, there I was. Just lying there, staring back at Ma. "Hi?" I said awkwardly. "How long have you been here, darling?" Ma asked, and hugged me full strength. "You have no idea how long I've been looking for you... I almost gave up, but my horn told me you were somewhere around here. I love you, oh so much, Gretel dear. You're the only family I have left...."
11:42 PM 12/26/2016
"I... I love you too, Opal..." She gave me a kiss on my forehead. "Why don't we go give Solid a piece of our pain?" I smirked towards Solid. "Great idea, Ma."
Solid tried running, but with my magic, I held her in the air. "Why don't you do the honnors, Ma?" I suggested. So Ma used her blue ax and axed Solid one1 last question. "Did you enjoy this life?"
"Help no." I let go of Solid, allowing her to teleport. "Why did you do that, darling?" Ma asked me. "Because I still have nice in me. You've pretty much lost it completely, haven't you?" I looked at her. "Yes... Light Opal failed... Now I'm just whatever Shadow Opal wants me to be..."
Ma and I ran to the source of that call.
12:00 PM 12/27/2016
12:03 PM 12/27/2016
This is Gretel Darkness & Opal nesskraD
12:04 PM 12/27/2016
We'll be back to our life of help, but just no p and two2 l's
2:50 PM 9/12/2011
I smiled at Myicanna (ME EE CAN UH) as she licked my nose. The bat mare flew up, and gestured to play tug of war with a string.
"A sturdy string, not just a string, Gretel!" she yelled at me when I had said, "You want to play tug of war with just a string?"
I used my magic and took her witch hat off. "Hey!" I smirked and toyed with her, moving the hat about. "Oh, I'm gonna get you for this!" Myi yelled, and tackled me, forcing me to let go of the hat.
"Oh, Myi... You silly filly," I said to her, as she got up. "Hmph. Man, I wish there was a bat pony with a horn... What would you call that? A batcorn? An alibat?" I giggled at the funny names she came up with. "Myi! Gret! Supper's ready!" Liko hollered. "Last one1 there is a dead pody!" Myi shouted, being a silly filly, like normal.
3:01 AM 12/29/2016
I awoke, losing the memory of Myicanna and hearing the horrid sounds of beasts in cells. The sewers are no place to be messed with.
Ma was observing the area, paying attention to see if there were any dead bodies. Ma looked at a rotting corpse of a mare.
"Hmm..." she wondered aloud, picking at the body and looking at it. "Anything, Opal?" I asked her. "No, crazyheart. This is just some mare who used to live here. No resenblance of any of your 'friends'," Ma replied, spreading some dead flesh on her body. She called me 'crazyheart' because she's insane now, Light Opal is dead pretty much. So instead of 'sweetheart' it's 'crazyheart'.
I heard a roar. A gray beast like creature with bloodlust in his eyes emerged from the wall, making the walls and ceiling start to collaspe.
3:08 AM 12/29/2016
What happened before, Gretel? Why are you in a sewer now? You ask?
Well, let me just give you a quick recap of what had happened.
Ma and I went to the caller, it was Anto and Duotsan. They both looked at Ma and backed away... Seven7 steps.
I told them that Ma was fine, but they wanted to run a test to make sure she was still sane.
They immdiately found out when Opal shouted so loud
They got their guns out and held Ma at gun point. I told them she was fine, but they wouldn't believe me after that speech. Ma told me to say goodbye, but I wouldn't let my mother die that fast after we reunited!
So I teleported to the least likely place they would search.
The Sewer System.
3:14 AM 12/29/2016
The beast roared furiously and started breaking the entire place. I thought we were as good as dead until
Myicanna Kiu, the Bat Princess, came in and martical art-ed that dragon!
"Myi?!" I yelled with surprise and happiness. "Yes, Gretel ol' chum?" Myi answered, giving me a brohoof. "Like my new skills?"
She didn't notice Ma until I said "I found Opal again."
Myi looked confused. "Found again? When did you lose her?" she asked. I thought she was stupid, being in the middle of all this. "Surely you know what is happening on land, right?" I asked. "Oh. Right..." Myi paused.
Her curly tail, Rarity's tail, was gone. It was stumpy, all gone. The bat mare noticed I was looking at her tail, and flicked her head sharply. "Ignore that."
Ma wasn't caring for Myicanna at all. She just looked at the dead body on the sewer floor.
Don't even bother asking me why there was a beast in the sewers. These ponyfolk must've had real issuses.
11:54 PM 12/30/2016
I had to rest, so Ma and Myi stopped. Ma wasn't going anywhere without me.
"I believe Jil is in the sewers too. We had been traveling together, until Insane Fire Sparkle shot Jil's leg. I remember her falling down on the graystome, helpless and confused. We had been ambushed. Jil's wings had been torn off by Insane Pinkie," Myicanna explained. I looked up at Myi, and cocked my head. "Is Jil still... Sort of sane?"
Myi lay on the sewer floor, gazing down at the green, litered water, with a thirsty gaze, and replied, "Jil wasn't talking to me, at all, really. She just went mute after we part ways with you. I mean, out there, it's hard, you know?" Myi glanced at Ma, who was listening to us talk. "What happened to Opal?" she asked me. "Well... She's kind of... Lost it... Light Opal failed, so now she is whoever Shadow Opal wants her to be," I replied.
My vision became blurry. I couldn't see, static was in my way.
It was happening again.
11:55 PM 12/31/2016
I felt pain in the back of my head, whilst watching my two2 sides battle.
Light Gretel, completely white, soared in the empty blue room. You couldn't see the corners inside. Shadow Gretel, completely black, pounced at her, biting her neck quickly. Shadow hissed, like a bat pony. "Light, go ahead and give, UP!!!!!!" she yowled and grabbed the purple ax in the room, that is Ma's. Light flinched and was breathing heavily. "Shadow... I can't let her go insane with Opal, I can't let her die with Liko, I can't let her be haunted by Don't Cry, and I CAN'T LOSE!!!!!!!!!!" There was so much amger and fury in Light's voice.
I'm starting to think SHE'S gone insane.
Light charged at Shadow, tossing her up in the air. I was feeling the pain of both of them. "STOP!!" I tried yelling as loud as I could, but it was no use. They couldn't hear me. They could only hear my thoughts.
Light hesitated a second. "Gretel... She doesn't want us to fight, yet we can't stop... Why... Why... WHY??!!!?!?!?!?" Light couldn't take it anymore, and fell on the ground, Shadow smirked and swung the ax over Light's head, with the last words she would hear. "iNSaNiTY always WINS."
Light fell limp, her soul now free.
I stared, traumatized. Does this mean I'll go insane now? Is this the end of nice, happy me?
12:01 AM 1/1/2017
I woke up seeing Ma's worried face, yelling at me, "GRETEL! ARE YOU OKAY??!!!!!"
I opened my eyes wide and noticed Myicanna was there, looking at me with concern. "Oh, thank god you're alive!"
I was still in the sewers.
Still in pain.
Ma hugged me tightly. "Oh my god, am I happy you're still sane..." I looked at her, and made a face that said, "It's... The opposite of that." Ma started crying. "Why? Why, did she have to feel pain? My only daughter? My only alive filly? Why, her? Why, The Shadow, WHY???!!!!!!!!" Ma sat on the sewer floor, putting her hooves to her head, in pain and terror.
12:10 AM 1/1/2017
The Shadow is who we call the one1 who gave me, Liko, and Opal two2 sides, unlike normal ponies. And now...
Liko suffered because of that.
Opal went insane because of her sides.
Now I've lost it.
The white in my mane started turning black, whilst my gray coat got more darker.
6:46 PM 1/4/2017
This is Gretel Darkness & Opal nessraD
6:47 PM 1/4/2017
We will be back to our life of help, but just no p and two2 l's
8:17 PM 1/5/2017
My heart is racing now, while he terrorizes me. My original soul is flying away now. I can feel... The hatred is boiling up inside me.
Why is he doing this to my small, delicate, young soul?
"I... Don't... Feel... Anything... Different..." I mumbled to them. Myi stared at me, terrorfied. Ma cried and cried, oh so many tears.
Breaking the promise she made to Don't Cry, like Liko and I did.
I felt... Power, inside, it wasn't pain... At all...
"Oh Gretel Illusion... Oh, did I make you angry? I mean, Gretel Darkness... You're much different from Liko and Opal. Liko couldn't handle it, and Opal... Her light side failed, she'll be dying with Liko ver soon. Gretel, you are going to help me, take control and vengeance. My brother is gone, just like yours. And the whole purpose of me ruining you three3 was to find him... Just like Dont Cry, I ruined her too. We can get in to more detail in person," A voice said in my head. I knew. It was
I couldn't understand anything. All I know is that this is the end. I don't know. "Hel...p....M....e....Ma...." I said lastly, before I left them.
8:47 PM 1/5/2017
The next thing I knew was that I was in a black room, just blackness, with a light shining down on me, and on a fancy chair, was him, with a calm smirk on his face.
"Welcome, Gretel, the survivor of my experiment," he said, staring at me, with my face of hopelessness and confusion. I couldn't even talk. His mane was adventurous/Lyra's. His tail was Vinyl's/radical.
An indescribable mare was in a cage beside him. "Are you who I think you are...?" I asked the stallion who was black and white, just like I was. "Me? Oh, Gretel, don't be stupid. You know who I am. Oops, I should refer to a mare properly, excuse me, Ms. Darkness," he said. "You're... The Shadow," I cleared that.
The stallion right in front of me was the one1 who made me so scared and horrible. The Shadow...
"I bet you're wondering who this little guest I have is. Well, he make look like a mare, but he is a stallion, through and through," The Shadow said, gesturing towards the caged... pony. I didn't know what to call him.
But that got answered very soon.
9:52 PM 1/5/2017
"I am not a stallion, or a mare," he said. Whoever the black red, caged pony was, looked at me, his tiny pupils starting to creep me out. He was an alicorn. 'He' had the voice of a stallion. But I doubt that's what he really is...
"I am an it, but some call me a he. I don't care what you call me, anyway. Other than-" he was cut off by The Shadow saying, "Stop talking, Think Twice. Oh, Gretel, his name is Think Twice. You know, how Don't Cry also doesn't have a real name, right? Think Twice here is just like Don't Cry. He does what his name is exactly."
Think Twice gave The Shadow a long glare, and tried breaking out, jumping around the tiny cage, his horn hitting the cage bars and making a SLASH THUNK sound. Wow what a big sentence. XD
"Stop trying to break free, monster. You were born like this, so you can't change. I gave Don't Cry that horror, so I can make her be free any moment. You shall be my loyal pet now, as for your sister, she is clearly dead. I know that for a fact," The Shadow said, looking at him with an evil smirk.
10:09 PM 1/5/2017
And just then, as if she knew, Don't Cry, the alicorn mare with a high voice, flew in and picked up the cage, and flew away into blackness. "Anyway, Gretel, you are going to make me so happy with your ability to hold on to dear life. My brother will be found, and safe with me again," Shadow said, looking at me.
I thought he was stupid. He wasn't even caring that Don't Cry took his hostage.
What is wrong with this stallion?
The second I opened my mouth, Don't Cry and Think Twice both fell from the sky in cages.
"What?!" I yelled in surprise, looking at Shadow. I also noticed I was back to normal, the gray, black, and white mare I had come to know so well. "You seem surprised. Do you even know how much power I have?" Shadow asked.
10:37 PM 1/5/2017
"What is your name?" I asked boldly. The Shadow laughed. "My name.... You really wish to know? Ha. Well..."
10:45 PM 1/5/2017
1:48 AM 1/8/2017
"I am Gretel, Ms. Darkness. My name is Gretel, also. Now can you see why I never told you?" The Shadow, or Gretel, said. "I am Gretel V. Gretel Visasus."
I looked at him, then I looked at Don't Cry, who had been my friend and foe. My head was clustered with confusion and hatred.
I stood up, letting my wings unfold, with my eyes closed. Gretel V. watched me and smirked. "Go ahead, I am invulnerable to your hatred. I know, you hate me unbelieveably. Which you shouldn't, because I want to help."
When I opened my eyes, my entire left eye was white, while my right eye was black.
My left wing turned white, then my right wing turned black.
I felt... So wonderous... With so much....
1:56 AM 1/8/2017
FREAKING. DAAAARRRRKKKNESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I yelled, then without thinking, I charged at Gretel V., and tried stabbing him with my horn. I thought this would be it.
If I go down, I'm taking the being who ruined my life with me!
Even without a horn, he teleported away from me, as I kept trying to win against him. "Ah, your rage is truly maginificent, Gretel. I love playing a game of teleport away from the MURDERER," Gretel V. said to me, laughing.
What does he think of this?
What, a game?
But, no.
2:03 AM 1/8/2017
I felt his magic trying to hold me back, as he laughed at me. "Gretel, dear! Kill him! He deserves to die for what he's done to us!" Don't Cry encouraged. Think Twice just stared. "I don't care. I have no purpose. Do what you like," he said, being totally helpful, as always.  >:(
I didn't know what I was doing, as I kept charging at Gretel V.
Then I felt somepony touch my wing. I turned, and then I saw Darkness Blue, an assasin and secret agent, staring at me. "Gretel, there is no need to harm him. He's just helping everypony, by killing all the insane ponies. You were going to go insane anyways, Gretel. He saved you from ending up like The Infected. You should thank him, let alone murder him. Well, I suppose there's no changing the mind of a born killer, right G.V.?"
"MY HEAD HURTS," I said, my eyes still white and black. "EVERYTHING HURTS. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN...."
And then I blacked out from exhaustion.
Going into my full form takes up my energy.
7:12 AM 1/8/2017
I woke up in Solid's torture chamber, but Twilight was the mare loking down at me. Anto and Duotsan were also looking at me.
"Y-You okay?" I heard a familiar voice. Very familiar, indeed.
It was Fluttershy, or Flutters, as my nickname for her. "How long will she keep sleeping?" I heard Rainbow Dash say. "Oh. Sheeee... Don't try killing her. Gretzel here will always fight back," I heard Pinkamena say.
"Wh... Am... I alive?" I asked, my eyes hardly open. "Oh, the scary mare is awake now!" When I sat up, I saw Pinkie Pie and not Pinkamena. Fluttershy was normal, all legs intact, surprisinly. "What... Did he do?" I asked. Pinkie giggled. "Oh, now you have no idea what you're talking about, Gretzel," she said. I sighed. She still hasn't gotten my name right. I had A LOT of explaining to do. "It's Gretel, Pinkamena," I corrected. "Excuse me, but do I LOOK like a murderer NOW?" Pinkie said back.
6:22 PM 1/8/2017
I told Dashie, Flutters, Pinkie, and Twilight everything that happened... There...
After I was done explaining, I finally came to ask, "Where is Opal?"
No answer.
"Where is Opal?" I asked again.
No answer.
"Where. Is. My. Mother?" I asked a third time.
Twilight was the one1 to answer me. "Uh... Opal is..." My eyes widened, as I put my face close to Twilight's. "Don't tell me." It couldn't happen. Opal couldn't go insane. Her sanity wouldn't die off. I won't have it. No.
Myicanna came through the door that now says "GOODBYE, INFECTED!", and answered me. "She's dead, unfortunately. And What exactly are you gonna do about it?"
Myicanna had no idea how hurting those words were to my heart, how painful I felt. This... Monster was eating me from inside.... And all I want is to just be free...
7:20 AM 1/9/2017
"N-No... T-T-T-This isn't h-h-happening..... No..... No, this isn't....."
I cried...
This life I live, is painfully freakin painful.... I felt tears come down my blue headed cheek. Being free isn't my main concern anymore.
If I die,
I am taking that stallion,
Gretel Viasus,
down with me.
7:27 AM 1/9/2017
I have nopony. So all my happiness has left, in order to stay intact. Now it's all up to my body and Shadow Gretel.
"Why... Why us? What did we do? Why Liko, Gretel, and Opal? What, in all the world, did we do to deserve any of this? WHY?!" I cried out, the pain neverending. Twilight tried to stop me with her magic, but my rage was and is too powerful.
The next thing I knew, I left them. So I could take a second to think about all that had just happened. Time certainly passed.
7:40 PM 1/9/2017
But for now, I'm going to have to stop writing. You can know I survived by finding one1 of my notes, by the way. At some point I'll get someone to make a note about what had happened to me. So, this will end for a bit. Goodbye, Striker.  ;)
-Gretel Darkness