Monday, September 21, 2015

By Fives - the secret to catching lightning - circa 2015

It's that time again.  I am closing fast on turning 50.  I filled in the latest set of 5's today.

By Fives

I was born on the kitchen table
tumbled down sixteen stairs
attempted suicide
and placed second in a beauty pageant
all before I turned five.

I've eaten yellow snow on a dare
snorted grape soda up my nose
melted army men on the stove
learned the secret to catching lightning
got lost in Disney Land
watched three of my brothers die
and froze my tongue to a stop sign pole
all before I turned ten.

I danced naked as snow fell in the redwoods
felt dirt shoveled down upon me
as Ro____ buried me alive
wore the jewels of the Princess of Lippy Germany
held séances in the dark
Disfigured Ri___'s face with a pickaxe
eaten fire and grazed like a cow
and completed a novel
all before I turned fifteen.

I've felt the hand of a demented man cuff me across the face
flunked English 121
discovered Halloween candy I hid when I was seven
stared deep into the emerald green eyes of a panther
her warm breath on mine
and held the hands of countless people as they have died
all before I turned twenty

I've delivered puppies in the backseat
while parked at Shop n' Kart
journeyed into the dreamtime
got lost again in Disney Land
grew hair on my neck
crushed myself in my car
kisses a hog
and hung candy canes in the forest
all before I turned twenty-five

I've danced sacred dances
with eagle feathers in my hair and doe's skin on mine
began dreaming in Japanese
taught my son the secret to catching lightning
felt the bay mare rear and flip....
caught her in my lap
and fell in love with my friend John
all before I turned thirty

I've nursed piglets
watched three friends die of brain tumors
pieced my nipple
castled kingside and opened a door to a whole new world
accepted a proposal in the park
joined the Russell clan
all before I turned thirty-five

I've switched my mind off and hibernated
got lost in cyberspace
sold my childhood on EBay
gave birth to a son who almost died
got out of debt
and then right back in
all before I turned forty

I've been kissed by a sea lion
fought with my daughter
before she even left my uterus
swallowed radiation
got lost in Norrath
got lost in my own head again.
set sail on the seas of depression
all before I turned forty-five

Threw away my novel
Started a blog
Taught the internet the secret to catching lightning
got crushed again by a car
switched from LTC to ALF
won a game of chess against a Fide Master
Got put on the right medication for my head, and
learned to play Mahjong
all before I turned fifty

(c) Jan 9, 1992

When I posted this last time, It got a few comments. 

Take note of particularly this one:

Blogzilly , July 3, 2012 4:49 PM
And how DO you catch lightning, anyway?

July 3, 2012 - - - -  2012???!!! Great scott!! Do I always take this long to answer questions? No wonder I don't have friends!! They probably got really tired of waiting for me to do things!!

Thank you for asking Blogzilly...your question actually helped me a lot. Now I can fill in another part of my fives.

"Taught the internet the secret to catching lightening"

Which I will do in the next post...

...I promise...

no really....I will...

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Moyamoya disease - infant - childhood - a hand in the darkness

Yes this is for you.

Your google search lead you here.

I left this here for you.

A tiny life preserver in the chaotic sea you are fighting to tread water in.

*holds out my hand*

*holds yours tightly*

Gently takes your other hand and places it on your heart.

Start the journey here.

How are you?

Have you had time to catch your breath yet?

Your in the wringer right now, and probably haven't had a chance to deal with anything. You went straight from parent of a healthy child to a life threatening battle for your child's life. You went from just a parent to a special needs parent in one scary heat beat.

How do you have time to process it all and focus on your child?  You don't. You do what you need to do, you keep running, and treading water and not looking back.

You know its a looming monstrous tsunami behind you and you are afraid to turn and face it and deal with it. Afraid it is going to swamp you.

The hospital will treat your child's illness and ignore the trauma that was happening to you right in front of their eyes.

Hospitals are used to dealing with this level of chaos, they get numb to it. You on the other hand just had the rug jerked out from under you and the hospital staff isn't even offering you a hand up.

You should have been offered help too. This is one flaw in the process I wish could be corrected.

I'm sorry they didn't acknowledge the pain you are in.

The voices you need to hear are out there. The internet is your friend. Reach out and meet those who are reaching back with there words and life experiences.

Lean on every support person you have. Speak it all out. Just tell them, I need and ear, please just listen, please just let me talk and you validate me by listening and bearing witness to me. Just let me cry for a moment on your shoulder. Tell them, just wrap your arms around me tight so I can cry it out. Release that tension so you can focus without your emotions rocking the boat.

The buzzing doctors/neurologists/surgeons and nurses are all going to be focused on your child and they are going to be throwing an awful lot of strange medical jargon at you and things are going to move fast.  Your going to get a crash course in anatomy and neurology, physical, occupation, and speech therapy. Take notes. Request information on paper. Get a copy of your child's chart before discharge. (when they ask you why you need it tell them "for continued care".)  So you can read over it later when your heart isn't beating so loud and drowning out every thing their telling you.

Before you are ready for it, they will be sending you home. Home, without the extra added security of having round the clock nurses/doctors.

To be alone with a child you love but are feeling out of your element to be responsible for. This is a steep learning curve, be gentle with yourself as you are learning this new skill set.

You will get messages from well meaning friends/family like:

"I'm so glad things are back to normal now" or "I'm so glad ____ is fine now"

Don't pretend things are "back to normal" or "fine".

Things have changed.

Let yourself process this on your own pace. Take the time to take care of yourself in this.

*gives you a firm hug*

*hands you a sandwich, and a handful of Kleenex, and lets you get back to searching the web for information.*

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Angry, tired...SI/suicide trigger

***************************** TRIGGER *****************************

You know something?

I am so afraid that someday the circumstances will magically align and I will be alone when I am hit with a rolling wave of suicidalness that will end my life.

Been under the "waves" for 2 weeks now. That is what I call it when I am faced with dealing with slow rolling waves of urges to end my life/burn the shit out of my self.

The kind that are submerged and threating to drown me at any moment.

The universe so far in my life has been kind and spared me the perfect storm. I fear that day that coping skills fail.

And I answer the long whispering questions...just how much can you burn before the pain extinguishes the pain?


Chaps my ass to know that what is causing this is my own aging body. The question is will I survive peri-menopause? and if I do will there be more hell on the other side?

cause omg if there isn't the return to peace in my head...I will end up dead a lot sooner then I planned to be.

The books say, women reach a heightened state mentally after menopause, which is why so many wise women are elders.

The books also say after nursing your breast will return to there original size.

Me and my current DD's - former B's know this to be horseshit six years post nursing.


I'm tired of being lied too.

I'm just plan tired.

tired of fighting, resisting, living like this.

and fuck....its only September.

shitballs in my cereal.

Friday, September 11, 2015

waffling ....triggery for SI

I'm waffling at the moment.

Wanting to write.....needing to write, but when I set fingers to keys...

Its dark energy.

Angry, blazing words that spring to the tips of my fingers.


Not sure where this is brewing within. That's a lie, I do to...I just don't know if I should indulge it? or wait till that particular pot of festering memory-stew cools a bit on the counter in my mind.

part of me want to unleash it and watch it fly. heh.  Like an angry monkey slinging poo.

Another part of me there a way to uncork it and write the pain into a powerful piece that will help others.

Yet another part of me is packing to return to the winter slumber land of S.A.D.


Waves after waves of wanting to burn my self. Just for sport.

I hate the self injury urges that are like that. The ones that have no immediate trigger..just a stray desire to inflict pain where there is none.

I have two goals this winter.

One I mentioned last post.

The other is to put to paper as much of the "forest stories" as I can. With the goal next year of collecting them all into a coherent collection and self publish it through one of the many on line sites available.

To make money and be rich? To be famous?

No.  That has never been the goal of the forest stories. To ease others pain for a moment, to reach out and connect with another and make them feel seen and understood....yes, those.

Sadly the best time for me to write forest stories is in the darkness of the S.A.D. Being deeply depressed is unfortunately....a very creative environment for me. (as well as so many others)


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Adios Handcrank Productions...Hello...

I tried to do some cartooning over the summer and discovered that the arthritis in my hands has progressed to a point I can no longer do the fine detailed work.

So the time has come to complete the childhood dream of publishing my books. It's now or never.  I have somewhere in the neighborhood of FORTY unfinished drafts in my Handcrank Productions box.

Having children of my own just ground my book writing/illustrating to a dead halt. I have done only three books in the last 15 years....and one was nearly finished.

I think last count there were 30 or so completed books.  I need to deal with the masters and make any last changes to them. Then I need to decide if I am making colored copies or leaving them as coloring books.

But first of I must rename my little "publishing company,"

Back in the 70's is when it got its name.  I was at the park playing with the tractor. We were taking turns cranking it get it "started." Endless summer hours deeply entrenched in imaginary play.

After weeks of this it occurred to me to name my then still imaginary publishing company, "Handcranked productions."

I new I would write books even at that age.

I also knew they would be so off beat no one would publish them due to my poor spelling. So my only hope was to create my own "company."

Our logo was....and still is....

(Interesting trivia - I started counting copies at one point - see the number stamped on the book? I estimate there were an easy 1000 copies done prior to the counting. Next number on the counter is 725. So my dream of having a ton of books out there has already happened.)

The initial idea was....I would hand write them, hand copy them, hand color them, hand bind them and then hand them over!

Gosh darn I was a clever one when I was a child! Bwahahaha! aah, such sweet childhood dreams...

When I finally got rolling I did just that. for a total of ONE print run.

The first thing to go was, hand coping. Hello zerox machine at the library.

then the 'ed' fell off of the name....and we became: handcrank productions

Then they became coloring books and the hand colored ceased to exist.

Hand binding when soon after....hello book binder.

There are in existence some of the originals still. Hand written, copied, colored and bound. Those will be worth $$$$ someday....dreams the young girl at the park, summer wind in her hair as she spins the tractor's crank...

I speak of the company with terms like "we", "our", etc  because there were three of us originally. One has died and the other one has drifted off and grown up.

This is my winter project.

because....these books are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too cool not to share with the world.

that one will be so much fun to color....

this one will NOT be....see my glaring error??? the rainbow is suppose to be upside down and the colors too. Go on ask me which one of my books I never want to color again...LOL...I had to color back to back copies of Rainbow Flip in 1995 because of this and even all these years later I'm still mad I messed that up!

I hope my winter project will give me some direction as the darkness of the winter depression descends in my mind, and I return to hibernation mode.

I need to go hang our at the park and absorb the childhood energy before I start this project.  My life is heavy on the other end of life energy right now. I need to tap back into that magical time.

a time of wind, laughter, green grass and sticky fingers from popsicle's....

Before I go about doing this, I need to rename the company. To give it a new name.  (insert a ton of legal reasons I can't use the name it used to have).

I have been tossing around ideas. SLUG is currently at the top of the list, cause that is how my brain rolls....

I think I may work with the names of the original and most frequent characters in the books...Bonnie and Todd.

I'm totally open to ideas...(looks at my creative friends)
Think of a bunch of kids crammed in a sleeping bag and sliding down the stairs.
Go back in time, to the freedom of a youthful body that flies in new sneakers, that can ride the wind horses, and know with a strong heart that leaping from the roof with a pillowcase parachute will be perfectly safe...
...drinking creek water, catching crawdads and wearing blackberry warpaint...
That is the feeling of my kids books.
well hells bells this hasn't even been published yet and....and...just like that, I renamed the company.
I just did another re-through/proofing look at this blog and BAM there is the name I was searching for...Blackberry Warpaint.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Visual landmind - trigger

Ooooh. ouch. Or more accurately, impending future ouch.

Usually with my past I step on a landmind and BOOM it goes off.

I just had the weird the experience of seeing the landmind before I stepped on it.

I have never had this foresight before.

You can bet I stepped back and didn't step on this one.

Now that I know it is there, I wonder if I can de-trap it.

save me the pain

and devastation, that this big one is going to inflict someday.

I have figured over the years that this would eventually be a massive trigger point in my life, but that little glimpse into the depth of it brought up instant urges like.... their isn't enough silvadene and bandages in the world to deal with the burn I would inflict on my self.

Like, lock me up, cause the pain WILL cause me to kill my self in a huge raging pain storm.

I beat a hasty retreat from the photograph that caused this. I need to deal with this one. I can't just ignore it.

It is there and has been for 50 years, and when it triggers. and it will. I am going to get hurt.


really, really bad.

I have often wondered over the years, if I ever went back into therapy, what would be the driving force.

I don't have to wonder anymore.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Finally..the Fair 2015! blog

I'm still catching up on "rough draft blogs" and things I-want-to-blog-about-but-had-no-time-to-do-so-blogs.

Thought I would tackle my annual Fair blog.

This is how it went this year....

Kids bailed on me and I had no one to go with.
LOL. Darn it...I was sure I had at least one or two more years of fairs to go to before I had to retire and wait for the farm kids/my kids to have kids for me to take.
I have now worn out three generations of kids with my fair addiction.
We had pre-purchased all day ride wrist bands, and I almost went by my self. I figured I would find some kids and give them the other two bands.
Hubby said next year he would go with me. Which is generous, but our expectations of fair going differ. I go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day.
The number of fairs I have missed can still be counted on my cotton candy coated fingers.
Gave the three passes to a co-worker who took her kids and went.
Next year I am taking her kids...or any ones I can find on Craigslist
Cause that is how I roll.