Thursday, November 16, 2017

still kicking

After 14 days I finally got well.

Turned 52 without incident.

dying to blog, have a ton of stories to input.

as well as a dream that was spectacular. rattlesnake kittens? whey are there not venomous cats?

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Vloging for a change *trigger for anxiety riddled sick as a dog babbling*

I was scheduled for rectocele surgery on Nov 1st. and a shit storm of things caused it not to happen.

Surgery info:

I know you all will want to see the before and after pictures right?

BWHAHAHAHHA! you think she's kidding don't you?

Because of the delay you all get to suffer and listen to my whine. Your excited I know.

One of the things I had to do for surgery prep was not take anything for pain, and no muscle relaxers and nothing for anxiety. So my pain level shot off the scale and my mental health deteriorated. Like really really bad.

So I thought I would give you a front row seat to my mind.

Might want a seat belt, just saying...

Good lord, that sound was SO LOUD, it just filled every nook of the house!

Friday, September 29, 2017

cupboard cocaine

Sept 29, 2000 I had been married one day. I went to the store and bought groceries. I  had brought no food with me into the marriage, so I needed to replenish all the baking items for our cupboard. I bought all the basic flour, sugar, baking powder, etc as I had used it all the time on the farm.

I ended up never using the baking powder after I got married. I just never had need to do the type of baking I did in the past.

Every bleeping summer I would clean the cupboards and see the baking powder. Laugh and leave it in there.

This August 2017...I finally tossed it out. Laughing and commenting, "for pete's sake its 17 years old!"

Me today - decides to make a old, childhood favorite, a yummy chocolate cake from scratch.

looks at recipe: 1 1/2 tsp baking powder.

The humor of this is not lost on me. 

a little while longer

Every so often I entertain the idea of working day shift. You know like normal people.

I have worked off shifts since having children to avoid having to put them in daycare. It has meant time away from hubby. Lost  family times on weekends. Sleepy groggy shift from not getting enough sleep. The whole nine yards.

It wears on me occasionally, and the thoughts of switching to days creeps in, as it did this week.

It's funny how I am always provide me with a clear answer on this every time.

After being asleep only about an hour, the phone laying on my hubby's pillow wakes me.

I fumble through the paralyzing grips of sleep to grab it and answer as coherently as I can.


"Mama, my lunch isn't in my back pack."

"Okay puddy I am on my way to bring it to you."

I roll out of bed and toss on what ever is on the floor next to the bed and find and deliver the awol lunch bag to my daughter waiting at the office.


yes I hear you, "your needed still to be available for the kids during the day." Yup. This is why I work nights. So I am available to do my main job.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

one last look...

I've been in long term care now for 34 years. One thing I will never tire of is when a dying person, who has been unconscious with unfocused eyes, suddenly swims to the surface and their eyes clear and lock onto yours.

It doesn't happen all the time, so when it does it makes my heart skip beats.

It is almost as if they suddenly know all the answers and are trying to tell them to you.

Sometimes if feels like they are seeing their god.

Other times its like they are staring lovingly at their reflection in a magic mirror.

It's an interesting footnote in my life to know that so many peoples last thing they see on earth is...

Friday, September 15, 2017

Say goodbye

This is old.  Like 2013 old.  An online friend of 10 years just vanished over night. We all struggled with the loss. I wrote this at the time. We later reconnected and learned what happened.

As I am approaching my surgery date, I am having gut pings to "say goodbye"

I know totally irrational, but hey that is how my mind works. I think I may do just that. Wouldn't you want to hear all the wonderful things your loved one has to say about you?

I don't do these to be morbid. It blesses me to see in print just how blessed I am to have so many people who I love and admire in my life.


Pitching to the left I struggle through the familiar darkness. My path uneven at the moment. Needing to sit quietly by your light I scan the landscape. Locating it I trudge toward it.

I find your lantern firmly nailed to the fence post.

My own lantern slides from my hand.  I stand quietly, like a lost child.

slowly I reach up and hold your lanterns handle. Your presence still strong. Your love of us still warming the handle.

 I stand quietly bawling.

Not for me.

Partly for you, partly for all those hurting souls out there who will miss the change to meet you and find comfort and understanding in your gentle words.

Being a writer, my mind wants an answer, and not finding one
it fills in the blanks.

Two possible paths here stretch before you, one you were layed off. Two your working silently behind the scenes.

Either way, my friend = pain for you. To suddenly be disconnected from the voices of all the souls you moderate.

I pray you are working quietly behind the scenes. The thought of you being unemployed and facing that panic and uncertainty, just breaks my heart.

If that is the case, then to you offer this advice.

You will be okay, Don't allow the fear and uncertainty to stop you. This moment in time is just another beast. You have fought bigger ones. Clear your head so you can hear your heart, and it will lead you to your next job.

I pray you will find a job that will offer you financial security and love you as much as you were loved here. I hope in your next job you are blessed to have a Paja working there too. I hear they are nice to work with.

And if your path is still with XXXXXXX, well that changes things.

To that time line I would offer this advice.

Take a deep breath.  Change is never easy, and with big corporations and there love of monkeying with stuff, you had better fasten the latches on your life jacket. In cases like this, you must go with the flow. Hang on and do what you need to do to keep your job. Be loyal to your own needs, and who signs your check.

We know you love us. We know what ever the path is, you are hurting. You are grieving. *hands you a tissue* It will ease with time my friend. You may feel isolated and alone, but we got your back sister. Wraps the SA pink blanket firmly around you.

I want you to know that "change" isn't a friendship breaker. That you will be my friend until one of us breaths no more.

My offer to do a print run of all my children's books for your grand babies will never expire. All you need is ask.

I'm still here. The board is still here. Your SI family is still here. Right here where you tacked your lantern.

when you posted about the lights of the board. I got an uneasy feeling in my gut. Reading between the lines like I do I picked up a second meaning. Intended or not, it came across as a salute and a "letting go"

Thank you for that.

Thank you for all your hard work over the years.

Thank you for always hearing me....all of me's.

Thank you for cleaning up the olives I dropped all over the SI and SA boards.

Thank you for laughing at my silly stuff.

Thank you for drying my tears.

and thank you for doing such an incredible job over the years.

I will look for you at the cat park, the redwoods, the ocean, and all the other magical places out there, because I know you will do just as you commanded us to do. Shine on.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

When TOO ask about someones scars (SI discussion)

Good just can't please me sometimes.

I just posted about when its NOT okay to ask about someones scars and here I am writing the opposite today!

Was with one of the kids at an initial pediatrician visit and she pulled me aside to discuss my child's case.

As we were talking her eyes kept going to my scars then back to me.

It was distracting.

I really wanted to hold up my arm and say, "stop for a minute, look, satisfy your curiosity and them ask me about them so we can go back to our conversation, without distractions."

I don't normally wear long sleeves, that is a personal style choice, I have never really cared for them even before I had scars.  I have found as I have grown and am out doing things with my children (like face to face with teachers/doctors etc) I will consciously consider long sleeves or a sweatshirt to wear. Not to hide my scars, but to project and image that will protect my children from being subjected to "OOOOH, your mama is crazy, she's all scarred up!" Also from having to answer questions from their friends.

My battle with living with SIV (self inflicted violence) is not their fight.

My mission to be open about it also my decision, not theirs.

I do get gut pings when I choose to conceal them. Not sure why. I don't go around actively flaunting them. Honestly I forget there there most of the time. As I did that day I mentioned earlier.

It was the doctors looks that reminded me, 'oh hey, I'm covered in scars.'

Ack, I hadn't even remembered to think about covering them up for this appointment.

I think how I handled it was the right way to do it. I didn't address it. I kept the conversation on subject and ignored her glances. There is a right time to ask about scars, and that wasn't the situation.