Thursday, August 18, 2016

Burden

I think I have blogged about this before, not sure though. It's on my mind again.

Woke up this morning after a hectic stretch of 11 days with nutty-off scheduled sleep, sighed and said aloud to my self "common get up, you have to do something...like those dishes." (which were many).

Sleepy husband opens his eyes and says, "you might have less to do then you think."

That dear man has stayed up last night after I went to bed and washed the dishes for me.

A gift, which I was, am very grateful for.

My body is every so slowly loosing functioning. The undiagnosed medical issue is eroding my ability to do all they physical stuff I used to be able to do.

We ran lab work this month and FINALLY there reflecting a problem. Have been referred to an rheumatologist to see if we can't finally find out what is going on.  Waiting on that right now.

In the mean time I am just in a horrible, horrible state. The physical issues are making functioning very difficult. My normal routine got scrambled so I could cover for a co-worker who needed time off. Resulting in two rotation of days off where I only got one day off. I absolutely MUST have three days off to recover between work weeks.

I just stopped trying to keep up with the house work. I couldn't sleep and was sooooo tired and exhausted.

Husband has told me many times if I need help to just ask.

But I don't ask.

My best guess why is....I don't want to be a burden.

Which is looming down in my future like a freight train.

I felt like a burden as a child. Made to feel bad when I out grew my shoes/clothes and cost the family money. I stopped telling them when my shoes were too small. Just squished my feet into them.

Grilled into me from youth..."if you don't work you don't eat."

Been working since I was 12.  Finding it difficult this summer. Makes me panicky.

I don't want to be a burden. I am feeling more and more like that as I am struggling with physical issues this summer.

My personal ideology of what my roles as a wife should be includes ...one who does all the house work. I find it impossible to ask for help.

But asking is slowly creeping in.

"can you carry this to the laundry room for me?"

I need to work on this, cause my body is no longer cooperating with me. Started physical therapy for my neck yesterday. MRI showed it was worse then we thought.

Crap. I blinked and got old.

I'm fighting to keep from becoming a burden.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Skinned part three

(Continued)
* * * Trigger for dark imagery. I promise. I won't leave her there.* * *

* * * * She's a stubborn one for sure, dug in like a tic. Your not staying there little one, we are all going to pull until you come out. * * * *

As time passed, her trunk became saturated with murky ground water. She could feel herself ever, so, slowly, dissolving and dissipating into the dank mud around her.

I will just cease to be. She silently thought. No one knows I am here.

"Not true." came a voice through the murk. I know you're there."

She became aware of a scratching sound as the mud above her began to shiver. The rhythm of the movement became more frantic as two black paws worked diligently to dig her free.

At last she saw the face of the fox as he reached his snout down into the hole and grabbed her in his mouth. Tugging with some urgency to free her form the earth.

"still a freak" hissed the dagger tree. "You don't belong here."

The fox wasted to no time and whirled and took flight.

She was barely conscious of the burry pattern of browns and greens as they streamed passed her as she was carried away from the dagger tree.

"You can't ... grow ... when your ....in the ....shadow of ....darkness." the fox panted as he stopped and set her down.

She rolled over and over in the soft grass, Her bark less trunk still soaking with muck and mire, twisted uncomfortably as she rolled. "why did you dig me up?" she said at last, as a few drops of the ground water squeezed out of her in grey tears.

His soft brown eyes smiled as he stood up and shook the last of the mud from his rich red coat. Without answering her, he placed a paw on her to keep her from rolling off. He began looking though the trees around then. His ears alert and focus on the task.

At last he picked her up and in a smooth jump began climbing up a nearby tree. With some effort he wedged her in the branches so the tree was cradling her. He said to her. "We are born to be carried. All of us carried in our mother's womb. All of us carried in the loving arms of family until we can walk. All of us carried when we are wounded and can't walk. All of us carried to our graves."

He jumped out of the tree and scratched a quick nest in the grass at the base of the tree. Curling up he tucked his face under his tail.

She tried to twist in the branches, but they held her firm. Irritated she snapped, "why did you dig me up?"

His tail twitched off his face. "You were not dead."

"But I wanted to be." she painfully moaned.

"That is why we are carrying you. Until your legs are again strong enough to carry yourself."

"we?"

The wind stirred and began to rock the tree. She felt herself began to sway.

"Yes we" said the trees around her.

She fell into an exhausted sleep safe in the tree.


end of part three...

*********************************************************************

hmmm. story is refusing to be a trilogy. Okay fine, not giving up. I will find a way to get her out.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Skinned part two

(Continued)
* * * Trigger for dark imagery. I promise. I won't leave her there.* * *

* * * * I guess she is not coming out willingly...I better go get her... * * * *

Nestled in her earthy bed she slumbered silently for years until at last she felt the sun's light reaching through the dirt to warm her. It called and pulled at her until she reluctantly responded by arching her back and leaning into it. The light pulled her from her cocoon of dirt.

As she broke the surface her arms flailed and to she found leaves on them. The  gentle wind twisted her supple trunk and made her dance in the warm light.

"you don't belong here." the dagger tree next to her told her. "You belong with other humans."

Her little leaves drooped and fell off like tears. "I want to be a tree. To have roots and never have to move. Just to silently stand still and blend in."

"You will never blend in, you don't belong here." it growled, as it flexed it thorns her direction.

She felt her bark wither and flake from her trunk., until she was peeled. She slumped and bend down and laid flat on the earth and closed her eyes. "I don't belong with humans either." she sobbed.

"freak" it hissed slowly, then turned away.

She felt her little roots snap and release her from the earth. She didn't struggle. She laid still as the forest life shined happily on around her. Her tears moistened the earth beneath her until she slowly sunk below the muddy surface, rootless and lost. In this bog, the darkness covered her with its blanket and its weight pinned her down in a comforting smoothing, stillness.

She at last took a deep shuddering breath and was still.

As time passed, her trunk became saturated with murky ground water. She could feel herself ever, so, slowly, dissolving and dissipating into the dank mud around her.

I will just cease to be. She silently thought. No one knows I am here.

"Not true." came a voice through the murk. I know you're there."

end of part two...

Monday, July 11, 2016

writers lint tumbling in my mind

The pain is consuming me tonight. Can't sleep.

My life experiences that lead to this pain reads like some "don't try this at home kids" list.

Don't wrestle dementia residents,
Don't ride wild horses,
Don't run in socks on freshly mopped floors,
Don't hesitate mid rotation while doing an axel on roller skates
Don't crush yourself in your car door

but the pain makes me who I am.

Tucked in an old man last night and watched him take his final breaths.

I am glad I was there to carefully wash and adjust him so that his last moments were as kind as his first.

A complete circle.

Birthed to loving arm that eagerly held him. A mother's kind loving face saying "hello"

to an incredible journey that made him who he was.

His path winding through the cosmos until he found himself on a stretch where he was walking with new faces and fellow travelers.

till it's my face he see's.

I cradle him on a sea of pillows and position his worn out, failing body with skilled precision.

My own pain knowledge give me an incredible insight into the pain of others.

I see him relax and let go.

I look him in the eyes and complete the circle by sending him off with a loving smile. I leave him to his journey and slip quietly from his room.

oh to die with no pain.

He did it right.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

better today

Doped my self up and finally got some decent sleep. I am less depressed today. No longer suicidal, thankfully...those relentless rolling waves of urges are just, brutal.

Got some long over due chores done with hubby today, so feeling accomplished.

Just "shave my legs" left on the list.

I'm tempted to leave that one till another day. Work doesn't seem to mind me rocking the "wookie with mange" look late at night.

Live is so much easier when your own head isn't trying to kill you.

Friday, July 1, 2016

TRIGGER- depressed as shit right now

a friend reached out to me earlier today and because of the love and trust I have in her I opened up.

And I wrote this:

"feeling absolutely horrifically suicidal today. sigh. I hate my brain."

"my brain has a hard time dealing with the pain. pain = danger, and to be in this much pain 24/7 just wears you down. bleah.....and after my FNP shit on me I am AFRAID to call her and be seen. I need to find a new doctor, but damn it, that is a nauseating prospect in itself. so I sit here in pain wanting to die."

"...I needed to go sit with the trees, and them to find the splinted remains of my most loved tree well just fuck you life,"


(I went to the Redwoods this week to seek the comfort of my eden. See that large sunny spot? Its not suppose to be there. Grandmother has fallen and her splintered red wood is a raw jagged wound in the cool shadows of the forest. Her canopy shadow completely blocked out all that sun.)


"feel like I have been time traveling and have severe jet lag."

to which she replied: "Maybe you have!"

I've been dancing over landminds for over a month now. Some flashbacks along the way to pour some salt in my wounds.

Burned four VCR tapes worth of old family movies to DVD and have watched them 3 times now. Well guess what? That is why I am tap dancing in the mindfield.

I have learned over the years to be suspicious of any adult recovered memories of my childhood.  If they can't be attached to a FIRM memory or existing piece of evidence I note them but do not consider them. If no one can attest to them then they are discarded completely.

Well my sister and I watched the movies a few days ago and she enlarged a memory she had shared with me before. The additional info...was...is staggering.

It validated some loose ends and then tied them all into a neat bow.

yes I have been time traveling. going back in time and watching that devastatingly gorgeous innocent face, beaming with trust and no pain. I want to scream at her. RUN!!! Seeing things moving is different then the still photos. It's a 100 x's more triggering.

Watching the movies made my sister ponder a deep question that she voiced aloud.

Instant disassociation within me. oh my gawd...I know that answer.

and that knowledge makes me want to go on a self injury spree that would certainly leave me dead in my current struggling state.

I think some of my off season depression right now is due to stopping the buspar. Plus being sick and the life stressors that I am being pummeled with. I need to find a way to get my feet back on the ground and my life back in balance.

When I do, I have a answer I need to share with my sister, ...and a life to get back to living.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Feeling crabby as fook tonight TRIGGER

I'm throwing my self a hell of a pity party...yeah its not going to be pretty.

TRIGGER - a lot of junk rolling about in my head tonight. Gunna uncap it, and spill some of it out.

I have a PVD in my right eye. It's left me with a dime sized floater and some stray stands of darkness  that follow my line of vision.

I keep hoping they will GO THE FUCK AWAY fade.

When the doctor confirmed my fears with the diagnosis, there was nothing inside. No anger, no sadness...just the feeling of my hands relaxing.

It's just another shovel of shit plopped onto my plate.

It's a sad reality that crap like this can happen to me and it doesn't faze me. I am so used to bad things happening to me that I have just come to accept that life is going to shit on me. After a while having the quality of your life slowly stripped away just stops causing reactions with in.

Boy in my 20's when I was handed the life sentence of a permeant back injury I raged against it. I grieved endlessly. It was an awful devastating diagnosis, it was hard to give up my athletic life. So hard. Running, skating, horse back riding, my career as a CNA, dreams of becoming a nurse...

the emotional pain equal to the physical pain.

Loosing my taste from the radiation was a jagged shank to my back. Out of the blue. No warning, just gone in a heartbeat. I was angry as hell, it's a known side effect, would have been REALLY FUCKING nice to have been warned.

Didn't know that my sense of smell was impaired already until the taste went. The day I stood in the kitchen trying to decide if the lunch meat was good or not. Couldn't smell it, couldn't taste it.  Soul  damaging pain....I couldn't even protect my children from something simple as spoiled food. You have no idea how triggering that issue is with me. Someday I should share with you how I was forced to eat bug infested food, and what the torture did to me.

my brain a dark play ground of anxiety, PTSD, DID, depression.

The peripheral neuropathy has taken my sense of touch too. 

I have normal aging hearing loss....

and now this with my eyes.

it,

is

...disappointing.

What the fuck did I do to deserve this? LISTEN UNIVERSE I HAVE BEEN SUICIDAL ALL MY LIFE. EACH TIME YOU CARVE AWAY A SLIVER OF MY QUALITY OF LIFE MY WILL POWER TO STAY AROUND AND SEE WHAT SICK FUCKING THING YOUR GOING TO DO TO ME NEXT ERODES AWAY.

ITS FRESH BLOOD ON MY HANDS THAT ARE DESPERATELY HOLDING THE ROPE. MAKING THEM TOO SLICK TO GRIP TIGHTLY.

When the doctor confirmed my fears with the diagnosis, there was nothing inside. No anger, no sadness...just the feeling of my hands relaxing.

That relaxing feeling SCARES THE CRAP OUTTA ME.

There is no fight there.

No fight in me equals painful acceptance. Acceptance means its okay to hurt me. Hurt me means I am dust, and not worth fighting for.

Is this the straw that broke the camels back? Is this where I stop flinching as life pummels me?

Is this where I stop looking both ways before crossing the street?

Is this what causes me to quote Shakespeare's most powerful words?

"O that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ’gainst self-slaughter!"

To lay here like a whipped dog and just take this without complaint is not me.  Its not healthy for me NOT to get enraged and fighting to keep going.

I can't summon that fight in me.

Writing here tonight difficult. The darkness in my eye worse with bright lights. Struggling to see past it to write.

Would really like to work on the "Skinned trilogy" but right now all I would do is bury her further under the earth and tell her to never come out.

I'm lost inside.

pulling back inside my head...

taking out my pocketknife

carving my name on the inside of my skull

the scratching vibrating the bone

echoing in the emptiness I am feeling.

clawing at the darkness as it slowly descends over my eyes...