Sunday, November 11, 2018

Friday, November 9, 2018

too old for this ....

If only  "weight loss" was a side effect of stress.

after the last two weeks I would be 97#

Missing child

paycheck bouncing


Thursday, November 1, 2018

Holiday season is here, or as I like to call it, Suicidal thoughts kick my ass season

I like to pretend the steroids. chronic pain , depression, PTSD, incurable illness's, menopause hormone fluctuations, obesity, advanced age, chronic sleep deprivation are what is making me a raging bitch...but I am beginning to think that under all that I may just be natively an asshole.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Something non-self injurers need to realize is...

that this is a first aid kit.

And that may be the only thing that keeps our lives safe and intact.

If we are reaching for our first aid kit, that means our lives are a muther-fuckin-shit-show and all we can do to regain control of it, is to make ourselves hurt more then all the other pain around us.

Injuring is a brain re-boot. It helps us dissociate from everything. Grounds us, distances us from the mental/emotional  pain. It stops time, and allows us catch our breath. quite literally to "cut our selves free."

It deposits us into another headspace, a familiar one that occupies us as we wrestle within about the self injury ...and what caused it. Not a healthy coping skill, but damn it, it works. We must slowly unlearn it.

One step in the healing process is to develop better coping skills so we have something else to reach for instead.

Removing completely a self injurer's "first aid" kit before they have created and learned to rely on healthy coping skills will be disastrous. Forbidding them to self injure is equally damaging.

Initial steps should be to learn to identify triggers and urges. Learning to voice aloud the pressure to injure. Dealing with self injury when one is in crisis is pointless. Unless they have learned and practiced healthy coping skills, asking a self injure to stop and try a healthy coping skill when they have the blade in their hand is like taking someone 500 meters under water and beginning to teach them how to scuba dive.

Therapist need to understand that if they forbid their self injuring client to harm themselves with a non-injuring contract, they are just becoming another abuser.

Trust must be established first.

Having their client self injure under their care isn't a sign of no progress. Healing is a gradual process. Expect the self injury to continue as clients work through the underlying issues.

The last step should be to dismantle the first aid kit. It should never be the first.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018


Four years ago Hansolo and I hitchhiked with my bro and Dad and this trip unfolded:


Four years later Hansolo and I headed down by ourselves to San Jose to see Fall Out Boy in concert and see the family we spent that night with in the above post.

*arms flailing like Kermit the frog* *fan girl screams*

YES that ticket says we are on the floor in row number 8 !!!!

Yeah, I may be old, but this girl loves to rock!! And the thought of sharing this my daughter was incredible.

This trip was different because I had to do all the driving.  Bleah….not a fan of big city driving.

I had 6 months to stress out and worry about it, so the anxiety was pretty profound before we even packed the suitcase.

I worried about the most weirdest things. Like its been ~25 years since I pumped my own gas. LOL. I hit up you-tube for tutorials before we left. Thank goodness for those, it really helped.

In all the anxiety and worries I stressed about I never stressed about what really delayed our departure by one day.


Okay girlie you got 24 hours to recover and we are leaving well or not. I spent that 24 hours revamping our itinerary and reprinting all the directions.

The next morning, armed with cough drops and tissues, I pump her full of Tylenol and we head out. I stop to take my temperature....

SHIT!!!   now I'm dying!

You know the rules.... Suck it up buttercup!! PUT ON YOUR WAR PAINT!! Hansolo, Darkness and Me are on the road!!

 Darkness gives us a thumbs up.

The drive was brutal with my back and polymyositis. …..dude....not kidding at all. The muscle weakness/loss of function is just staggering. To the point that I can tell you the next trip we do like this will be in 4+ years when Hansolo can do the driving.

We've been trying to get out of debt and we have been living with in our means. This trip was a luxury we had to do. Because I now that it quite literally it may be the last time I can do the drive physically. Jumping a head ….it took me three weeks to recover from that drive. :(  So my concerns were justified.

We made it to the motel and once there, I was afraid to venture out. I wasn't confident that I could find my way back to it. I do directions better with a  map vs printed directions.

Anxiety is racking up points faster then I can down Ativan. heh.

In reality, I brought my Ativan but never took any. Though I probably should have. LOL

Sunday our one mission was to find Chili's and eat. Map said it was 7 minutes away.

three hours later.....



 oh my sweet woman/ are so beautiful and I'm having a good time adventuring with you.
 Paws off the chicken Darkness!
Darkness hanging our with our waiter Austin.
Darkness pumped gas, cause she is a good kitty who didn't want us to get stuck in California.

 The Arena motel was a writers dream! So beautiful and a treasure hidden in the middle of a big city.
 It was just the right thing to feed to writers minds.... endless mirrors and a weird carpet that was in a state of temporal flux.

 The concert.

oh dude. No words. FOB kicked ass!

 Little child, feed your soul. You are a spectacular light that shines so bright! You are a leader, not because you want to be...but because you are out in front. Your friends love you for who you are. May you one day be able to claim the light you carry and find strength in it. Until then, just keep rocking and rolling.
 oh and stay frosty Royal milk tea.

 This is my phone camera ...takes crappy pictures makes us look miles from the stage. We were in row EIGHT. We had no trouble seeing.

wait its over already?

Concert high. revved up and feeling creative.

 Night little one. Happy dreams.

Time to head out for our next stop. Seeing some of our family.

"I don't know where you're going,
But do you got room for one more troubled soul
I don't know where I'm going,
But I don't think I'm coming home
And I said, I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
This is the road to ruin and we're starting at the end"

So much music on our drive. FOB is a deep band. I have always loved there lyrics.

oh hello! we have made it to San Francisco!!

 By this point my anxiety has me convinced we are lost and somewhere in Ohio.  We found this friendly fellow on the road and followed them.
 My reasoning being...we need to find the rainbow tunnel...and maybe this magical mystery bus will lead us.
 "Mother you are so weird...."

 my true reaction to finding our way to the G-bridge. *HOLYSHIT I DID IT WITHOUT GETTING LOST!!!!!*

 We've been here before...we know where this rainbow tunnel leads us now!! Family is close!

Blood hounds have nothing on us... we have tracked our family down!
 Luna Love...

 Luna: you saw FOB? (touches concert t-shirt)
Hansolo: yes.

 The interesting thing about my cousin A's house is...its so magical that as we walked through the door Darkness became flesh.
 Don't feed your fingers to Kibbles and Bits there Hansolo.

(insert a bunch of pictures of the family - that I can't included to protect their privacy)

lets just say, if everyone knew how amazing being a V___ was, they would be beating down our doors to join our tribe.

We head out at 5 pm and head for home.

As the miles disapate behind me...Darkness reverts back to stuffing. What are you stalking there Darkness?

Oh my feather. Silly puddy cat. You can see the fatigue creeping in my face here. Six hours left to drive at this point.

We made it home safe and sound.  Loosing a day of vacation meant we had to skip the Winchester Mystery house, but that is okay....after a few years of rest...we will go back.  Cause we got cheated this time. Not even one earthquake. Geesh, We weren't asking for much.