Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Skipping stone

This story is for Butter.

Iye cant sweep...wets see if Dogdancing will tells me a bedtime storewee.

Dog?

She stirs and opens her dark sapphire eyes. "hello little one."

You has bin sweeping. Iye can't sweep. Wills you tells mes a bedtime story?

She smiles. "You wish to hear a forest story?"

oh yes!

"Very well, come, young one" she says opening her arms to invite her in.

When the wiggling has ceased, and the little one was all eyes, she begin.

"In the forest there are guardians like me. Made from jagged stones, crumbled rocks of uneven sizes, all crammed together and molded by a life time of pain. But did you know there are other rocks in the forest? Rocks found on the banks of the river, and the shores of the ponds.

Flat ones. Smooth ones. They are special ones, made for one purpose. They're skipping stones.

So special that people hunt a life time for the perfect one. Combing through the rocks for just the right one.

It has to fit just so in your hand....and feel right.

These rocks are shaped by movement, time, and knowing what is right. Much like guardians they too are not born, they are made.

Year after year they tumble and tussle with the seasons waiting for that special day someone comes searching for them.

When the time is right someone will come. They will slowly and carefully go along the shore and pick up rock after rock and hold them in there hand, each heart beat asking, ...is this the one?

Is this the one that is right for this purpose? To skip across the water? Will this one make it all the way across? Will it fly just so?

The goal to effortlessly soar over the water touching it  every so often only to set ripples in motion as it skips across.

Some make it across to clatterly rejoin their brethren on the other side. Others fold under the water and take their ripples to the bottom.

...and some...some have legs. They walk among us and fling themselves where they are needed. Sending out ripples that are far reaching. You can't find them easily. They must be hunted for and found.

And sometimes they find you.

You are blessed if a skipping stone flings themselves for you. Pay attention to the ripples they leave on your life."

Dogdancing closed her eyes and leaned back. "They are known to fling themselves at monsters to protect others."

Hows do day have the courage to do dat?

Dogdancing smiled as she hugged her tighter, "little one, it isn't courage that gives them the strength...Skipping stones have pure hearts."

How they det pure hearts?

Dog pulled the blanket up and tucked little one in. "I already told you.  movement, time, and knowing what is right."

Monday, August 7, 2017

surrender

okay life you win. Ima just gunna lie here and let you trample me into the dirt.

Since you have taken my legs, I just can't get up anymore.

Seriously, this fucking heat is killing me. I have had nose bleeds the last 4 days from having the AC going.

I hear people say "I'm at the end of my rope." and I have always wondered 'how did you luck out to be given a rope?'

all I have is a worn out 3 inch piece of frayed yarn that has multiple knots in it from being tied together. Its limp, damp and slips through my hands, there is nothing to hold onto.

P-doc wants to put me on an antidepressant.  We just had a disastrous 3 day attempt at trying Neurontin again.  It increased my appetite, made me fat and hostile.

but it took away my nerve pain.

You bastard, taunting me with pain relief, but turning my head into a monster.

I don't even have the guts to try an antidepressant again. fuck.

I can't risk anymore weight gain.

I am battling with my selves as it is. Humans can live 3 weeks without food...since I can't exercise, my mind is coming up with the only viable weight loss solution. Starve it off.

Its not like I am going to miss anything, since I can't taste anything anyway.

Crabby, can't sleep, headache, bloody nose...and the ever constant pain.

just....done today.

and maybe tomorrow too.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

puddles of darkness

My life

an off kilter path

running, while chained.

puddles of darkness

grabbing my feet as I go

sinking

slowly

my voice choking as the madness rushes in

I slip silently under the surface

broken

unfixable

yet I hold the dark water

and spill not a drop

but the light, oh the light

it runs out of me

through my cracks

lost

returning again and again to the

puddles of darkness

my reflection

cries with me

lost together

soul bound tumble weeds.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

interesting observation (SIV discussion)

While blogging on how to support people who self injure this morning it dawned on me, that perhaps one contributing factor to my increased suicidal thoughts is my inability to injure right now.

as in my coping skills include all these....

tell someone (ie vocalize what is going on) [blogging don't count it has to be verbalized to another person in person]
exercise until fatigued
listen to cry tape
medication
binge eat
retail therapy
blog
go to ER
etc
etc
and
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
at
the
bottom:
self injure
suicide

Even though I work my butt off to avoid self injury, it is still there, and probably will always be because of the last item on the list. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to keep my self safe and alive. (so if your reading my blog just waiting for me to off my selves, your wasting your time, I've fought like a mutherFing wild cat to stay alive 51 years, nothing is going to change that. I'm highly competitive and my depression will NOT win.)

Anyway, chief among prednisone's side effects are "slow wound healing" and "increased infections"

um, yeah, that is kinda keeping the self injury urges at bay. That and not sure how all the new doctors will take to treating a self injurer. I have found it is one thing to see my scars and hear how I am a self injure and an entirely different thing to see actual wounds on me.

When in therapy with Richard we talked about the self injury from day one. I showed him my scars I talked about methods and triggers. I thought he got it.

Months into therapy after I injured and told him during our session, he asked to see the wound. I peeled back the bandage and showed him. The look on his face clearly indicated he hadn't gotten it.
Shit got real very fast.

Don't have the energy to deal with that, got enough on my plate with the new diagnosis.

So consciously or unconsciously, SIV got crossed off the coping skill list.  Which makes the next thing on the list, slide up.

self injure
suicide

Which may account for the mental bombardment of urges going on this year.

Why don't I just keep self injury crossed of the list and work on exiling suicide as well?

Cause, I know that the self injury is crossed off only temporarily. It's easy for me to do that if I have injured in recent memory. I have gotten the burning down to years apart. My last burn was January 2016. I'm currently already on a type of injury "holiday." 

Bleah.

Friday, July 14, 2017

"Don't hurt yourself."

Did I, as a fifty one year old grown woman, hear her correctly? Did the nurse just tell me: Don't hurt yourself.

Whhhhhhaaaa????!!

Seriously people. Don't you think I KNOW that already? Have you not gotten the hint that I am working hard to avoid that outcome by seeking medical attention in the first place???

Since being placed on prednisone my mental health has gotten a bit wonky. Plus adding in the hormonal upheaval of  my periods stopping and I'm in full blown estrogen and progesterone withdrawals. I'm a mental mess.

Things got so bad in May I made and appointment with the FNP and requested to go back on an antidepressant. Something I swore I would never do.

because to tries at medicating my head proved ugly in my twenties. First one had bad cardiac side effects. Your resting pulse isn't suppose to be 120+.

The second attempt was with Zoloft.  We learned a important thing about my body with that med trail. We learned I am VERY sensitive to medications. We started with the lowest dose and then on a check up, I reported I was tolerating it okay and it seemed to be helping.

So she upped the dose.

And a week later I tried to kill my self.

Yeah.  Being depressed and unable to medicate it has been the story of my life.

I have been wrestling with horrendous urges to end my life since November of last year. Noting really new I have been "suicidal" my whole life.

But these urges aren't to end my life....there to end my suffering.

Can you see the difference?

I don't want to die. I just want this 24/7 never ending chronic pain to FUCKING STOP.

Yup.

I'm used to dealing with urges and thoughts. I don't ignore them. I pay attention  to there intensity and if I need help I reach out to husband and vocalize what is going on. I reach out further if that doesn't help.

So in May it was GO TO THE ER bad. So I requested to try the Zoloft again. I figured it was initially working at the lower dose, and its the go to med for depression and PTSD.

The FNP I have now has gotten to see first hand my sensitivity to meds and was naturally too freaked out to put me back on something that cause a suicide attempt in my 20's.

So I got referred for a psych evaluation to have a P-doc decide what med would be best for my head.

Which isn't until August 1st.

The FNP discovered this and had the nurse call me to let me know if I need help before then to call them, and as she ended up she commented, "Don't hurt yourself."

My instant reaction was wtf?????? am I two years old?

don't eat play-doh, don't play with matches, don't play in the street, don't pick your nose...

More education is required I see. On how to be supportive of people who are healing /living with self inflicted violence. I will blog that in the upcoming days.

For now I will leave you with the question most self injures answer that statement with.

"Don't hurt yourself." 

"Why not?"

How would you respond?

Friday, June 30, 2017

Isn't pain pain?

(continued from previous post) * * * trigger for self injury descriptions * * *

It wasn't until I was way past that point in my life that I did deeper thinking on the how and whys of why "others inflicted injury" wouldn't work the same as self injury.

People think pain = pain.

It isn't so.

You stub your toe, and get treated to unexpected pain from a non focused source.

is different then:

Facing an angry abuser who punches you in the face. In this case you know its coming eventually.

is different then:

Going through labor pains.

is different then:

Living with chronic back pain.

etc.

It can be further broken down to the various types of self injury. Rage injuring pain isn't the same as boredom injuring, or injuring in reaction to anxiety/stress.

Pain to self injures also is different depending on the additional elements.

Example: If I punch my face vs setting my arm on fire vs slicing open my skin and bleeding.

Pain without blood is in a different category then pain with blood.

Surprised at how complex it is?

Pain is pain to a degree, but them with self injury your adding in a very real mental element. Partly because often times self injury is used to transfer mental pain to the surface.

Lets stop for a second and look at labor pain. You know the source, you know the purpose, you know the outcome. Painful, yes, but knowing why/it action helps your brain categorize it and stop it from causing you to develop PTSD/flashbacks.

You break your arm, Crap! inconvenient pain. You adjust your cahonies and get in warrior mode and power through the pain, and its memorialized as a dent in your shield, a battle field trophy.

Getting the crap beat outta you as a child by a parental figure, not the same case. There is NO rhyme or reason to that pain. There is no outcome that you can justify this kind of pain and it gets stored internally, manifesting as body memories, PTSD, depression, damaged self esteem.

When you INTENTIONALLY inflict pain on yourself its a blending of all three examples above.

I would LOVE to see brain scans of myself self injuring, and of me being hurt by another source. My theory is that there would be some commonality, but would ping different areas of my brain.

I've noticed in the case of unintentional pain, (stub my toe) I can't apply the same mental process to calm the pain as I do to a self inflicted injury.

Stub toe = OUCH &^%$$&^! THAT HURTS!!!

Self injury = relief of pain.

wait, what?!

Most often times of self injury people are trying to escape/defuse/vent/convey mental pain. The physical pain is preferred over mental pain.

Self injury is very much about CONTROL.

I CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL PAIN.

I just can't stress that enough.

If you hit me, I don't have the control.

If you are tattooing me, its the same as labor pain. temporary non-mentally damaging pain for a good outcome.

If you cut/burn me instead of me harming myself, its  combo of no control and scaring my psyche by triggering the abused child mentality.

I can't see any way of replicating the SELF part of self injury. When someone else is doing the injuring. Nor would I want to.

Allowing someone else to hurt you is not healthy.

Like wise, hurting your self isn't healthy.

Which is why I ultimately came to the decision to work on my issues.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

others inflicted injury

(originally I wanted this to be one blog. But after letting it sit I decided to split it into two. The later 1/2 has the potential to be quite triggering, and this part not so much. Part two tomorrow.)


When Richard and I finally got around to laying the plans to stop the self injury...

What! What do you mean FINALLY? Didn't you go into therapy to stop the SIV first thing?

Self injury = coping skill. Used to deal with under lying traumas.

Stopping the SI and not first addressing the under laying stuff is pointless. There is an order for things.

"Why YES you DO have compound spiral fracture of your femur! Its terrible, it's hanging by tendons!! First thing we need to do is get you into physical therapy and rehab you...THEN we will operate and fix the bone and cast it. But first, stop bleeding and screaming. You can do it, Just stop."

yeah...riiiiiight.

Without the ground work I could have never made the attempt to replace it with healthy coping skills.

As we discussed it and were making up rules, I sassily asked, "What if I can get someone to do the injuring?"

Richard paused and eyed me.

I smirked, "It wouldn't be self injury, it would be others inflicted injury."

I waited for his face to roll into that familiar 'I ain't buying your bull Paja' look. But instead he was giving it deep thought.

"like what" He finally asked.

My turn to deep think. Hmmm.

"Tattoos? piercing?" I shrugged.

We both lapsed into deep thought.

"Okay." he said quietly.

Wait, did you just let go of my hand there and feed me to the crocodiles? Free rein to allow others to hurt me? I drew back in my chair. I locked eyes with him and could feel my anger rising. "Why would you want anyone to hurt me?" I at last whispered through my throat as it swelled up and choked off my voice.

His eyes softened.

That trickster. He didn't. He just wanted me to put some thought into it.

I nodded and fought back the tears. When I could speak I said, "other inflicted injury, off the table."

...and it remained off the table.