The Cymbalta has stopped my tears.
I started taking it when my head reached a peak that it was going to kill me.
Year and years ...a lifetime of my brain running from the part of itself trying to snuff me out, finally reached the end of its ability to cope.
The lurch off the track was sudden and abrupt.
The will to fight, just snapped and gave... I felt my soul yield to the pressure...
...free falling into the calming quietness of nothingness...
I felt Richard's ghostly hands reach for me...
I heard Nola and Iona's magical voices singing to me...urging me to go on...
My husband's strong hands caught me.
but
the pull of the night was now at a fatal level.
I called for help.
I, that messed up damaged child, wounded and broken.
Called for help.
The Children of Starr, reaching out in unison.
help. me. my. depression. is. going. to. kill. me.
Cymbalta: has entered the game.
and just like that.
the tears stopped.
I turned my brain off instantly.
I turned my emotions off.
Since starting it over a year ago I've cried like 3-4 times.
for no longer than 20 seconds.
That is strange to me ....who cried daily, and often having 30 minute long sob fests for most of my life.
Alive.
but
missing the full richness of the dark emotions that I swam in all my life.
the water is clear and warm now and there are no monsters hiding below.
I still look for them.
let me grab onto your raggedy top fin so you can drag me down into the creative darkness that births my writing muse....
Richard reaches for me again..."Paja it sounds like your happy."
"well, I don't like it! It feels so weird and uncomfortable. Ra, I miss crying. I miss the release of emotions and the pain."
Nola and Iona but in... "three...two...one....open the door..."
I do as I am told and walk into the day light...and back to my little family that I love so much. My family that I fight depression for.
