Wednesday, March 20, 2013

$5 snow cones - Shiner's Circus 2013

That snow cone cost $5. More on that in a bit.

Last Sunday I finally got to take one of my children to the circus. I haven't been since I took my farm kids eons ago. I have been really harsh on myself of late about my perceived horrible parenting. This simple act though helped restore some reality to that.

I am not a bad parent. I maybe an overwhelmed exhausted parent, but I am not a bad one. The circus we saw was the Shiners traveling circus that is one of their fund raisers every March. It was fantastic!

This was our ring master. Circus have gotten really sexy since I last went. The little girl with sawdust in her shoes approves and wanted to run away and join this one. They had done away with the traditional circus music and set it to ROCKnROLL. The perfect blend of sparkles and teeth/claws and music. A lot of incredible talent entertained us for 2+ hours.

This is me. No matter how fat and arthritic I get, that is what lives inside me. That sort of magic. So you see why I have issues with the blobby aging body. My spirit is an agile twirling beautiful sexy beast.

It was a lot of fun to introduce Hansolo to the magic. My sister joined us and  while I saved our seats and sat  absorbing the sights/sounds/smells, she took her down to the floor and played circus.

Now she can list, "rode ponies in the circus" on her resume. They both rode the elephant too. While I sat and watched them. (slightly jealous that the arthritis has robbed me of the ability to ride jungle animals.) Made me realize, though I can no longer do some of the physical things with my kids I can recruit others to be my stand in.

My son had no interest in coming with us. and that is ok. After listening to his sister go on and on about the circus for two days afterwards, I head him say under his breath, "I think I will come with you next year."

Now about the $5 snow cones.

I heard a few gripes and grumbles about the prices. Parents squawking about the $4 boxes of popcorn.

Let me tell you all something you may not realize. Most people brush off the Shiners and how/why they are attached to this circus.

Its a fund raiser.

Instead of mailing you out a form asking for money they invite you to come and make memories with your children and be entertained and put some magic into your heart. Fair trade, you get magic and they get money to fund their mission.

Its more then a fair trade, damn it. THANK HEAVEN you do not understand it like I and thousands of other parents do. Shiners hospitals offer world class orthopedic and burn care for children FREE of charge.


From the time she was 3 till she turned 18 my farm daughter KSS's medical care for her cerebral palsy was free. That was multiple doctors, AFOs, years of physical therapy, surgery, etc for fifteen years .... and all of it, at no cost to us. Without this blessing KSS would not be where she is today. We couldn't have afforded that treatment.

I am just one parent of one Shriner's kid. There are many more out there right now getting treatment and many more who have yet to be welcomed to the shiners family. This little humble mission of theirs is massive.

Darling, that is a hell of a lot of $5 snow cones.

So this is how you do the Shiners Circus. you get a wad of cash and you go enjoy the show. You ride the elephant, you laugh at the clowns and dream of being up there on the high wire. When you are buying your daughter a snow cone you glance around you and see if any of the kids/parents near you want one too and you pay for them too.

Your not paying just for a snow cone, your paying for much more than I can explain here, and that is a damn good deal for $5.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Ding fries are done....

I should be blogging.

I have a huge amount of stuff to write about.

I am making deviled eggs instead.

We are having a fancy ham dinner tonight.


cause I am supposed to be sewing.

If  I am cooking then I can't sew.

or blog.

Right now I am wondering when the growers market is going to start. We have a gentleman who grows carnivorous plants.

oh yeah! and he looks the part too, if you imagine what one would like like who grew plants that ate meat.

He is awesome!

We are going to buy one of his plants this year. I think it will help Hansolo over come her fear of flies if she has to find them so her brother can catch them and then feed them to our plant.

I have owned venus fly traps over the fun.

I probably owned the only obese fly trap on the planet when I lived on the farm.

I can't wait to see what the kids come up with for a name. Its surprisingly difficult to name a venus fly trap. It has to be the perfect blend of cool and awesome with a hint of sweaty 70's shag carpet porn star glamour.

My last ones name was Rranaaaldo. (Yes with the rolling sound built right in.)

Never failed to crack me up while doing dishes to lean over and say in a sexy accented voice "Rranaaaldo, babe...your fly is open."

Yes I talk to my plants.

This should not surprise you.

I should be sewing today, have some projects I am working on. But now I am blogging to avoid finishing the deviled eggs I started.

The title of this post? Good heavens if you have never seen this video stop what you are doing and go see it.

I can't cook a ham dinner without singing this as I cook. Yes I singing to the ham every time I open the oven to sniff/taste it.

I am a mad woman. Which is why I blog. I talk to plants, ham and the internet. This is my normal life...however eccentric it maybe.

Makes you wonder what I talked to my therapist about doesn't it?

I sang this to him...of course.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sanka ya dead?

Yeah mon.

Holy bleeping chaotic tornado of life came ripping through my life and has left a swatch of devastation a six miles wide.

I am still trying to put the pieces back where they belong.

My thyroid labs dipped into the hypo-thyroid ranges and that = psychosis.

With in 4 days of being on the higher dose of levoxyl the edge came off that, and the return of sanity was most welcomed. It was very trying to be dealing with Seasonal Affect Disorder and thyroid psychosis all tangled up in my head.

The darkness in my brain when I am hypothyroid is ugly. So much so that I stayed away from here as not to scare the crap out of everyone.

I feel like I am slowly returning to solid footing, but I am struggling. There are no vacation days from being responsible for my kids. They need parenting and raising even when I am non-functioning.

I wanted to raise my kids equal or better then the way I was raised. I wanted to learn from the mistakes my mother made and do better.

Well, you know what? I am failing. My kids will be in therapy talking smack about me. And I will deserve it.

I am suffering from an anemia that is common among thyroid suffers. The fatigue is just wickedly cruel. There are days that its all I can do to get up. Its awful.

I didn't wait my whole life to have kids to be sit and watch them. I wanted to be active with them. They got cheated by having an old crippled up mama.

Right now what would make my heart sing is to take them to the circus this weekend.

I have been waiting patently to do this a life time. I don't know why its so important to me to take all my kids. But it is.

Maybe it will be something they will remember in therapy,  their therapist will say "well you mama couldn't have been all bad. Think of one thing she did right."

They will ponder for a moment and then say "well she did take me to the circus."

wow, I should not post this, I obviously am still in the funky head space of blarrrff land.

I hope with the increasing sunshine and the higher dose of thyroid meds that I will find my smile soon. I hate this soul consuming depression/head space.

Friday, March 1, 2013


(an old slice of cheese today for a friend. I will get back to posting in a few days, very very busy and very tired. Which is a shame because I have lots to blog about)

Being a parent of small children is relentless exhausting time in your life. The first letter is from a fellow woman on the message board I haunt. It has been redacted for privacy, but I left the spelling errors. The second letter is my reply to her.

We all question our parenting and if it is enough and forget the simple truth that being a parent is something you grow in, you don't just achieve PARENT status and stagnate, you evolve as a person and as a human as well as a parent. Which means we make mistakes and question our ability and the decisions we make. It can seem like a dark place to those who do not have children and question us with there looks and rude comments. I love that there are now places for people to go and vent and have that small relief and comfort. Even if its just to be heard.

This isn't gender biased either, Dads feel the same way, and deserve the same support and compassion as mama's do. I have seen them both get a ration of poo from other people: "YOU CHOOSE THIS BY HAVING KIDS"

Yes we did choose this, and we need support in it by everyone to help us deal with the 24/7/365/18+ years it will take to do this.


hopelesness returns(trigger)
Posted: May 08, 2008

I dont even know how to start, I feel so bad. Ive got so many emotions running through me. I dont know how to explain how badly i need a break. It will be a very long time before i do get a break. My husband is back in school so i am doing this by myself. Cleaning, cooking, watching six kids, all by myself 24/7. There is no one out there that can help. I just need to find a way to get through this untill someone has mercy on me like i always do. 

I know everyone has heard this from me before, it is just different when you go from having a light at the end of the tunnel, back to this. Back to my old self, back to this hopeless person, that will let anyone and everyone walk all over her and i really do think i deserve it, i do. For some reason i was put on this planet as a servant, here to serve others. I have no self, i am nothingness. I cant cut anymore, there is no use for it for me anymore, i just cant do it. 

My husband has said that it hurts him when i do it, (self injures) so now that it hurts someone else besides for myself, i cant do it. So i have no outlet, no source to realese all this. I almost feel like i could cut myself and nothing would come out, i am full of nothing. My word, my feeling, my thoughts, they mean nothing, to no one. This i know is true. I do for others, and that is all that anyone cares about. I AM SO LONELY.. 

I want to find a big black hole and crawl in it and stay there the rest of my life. I feel like a zombie. Today, i have tried to have no emotions, they never get me anywhere. Right after my words leave my mouth they disappear in the air. And the way i look, I think of myself as so ugly, i always have. I am very plan jane, and chubby at that. I have got a huge stomach from having five kids. I was really good about exercising but stoped because i have found out when i do, do strenuous exercising, my limbs will go numb, not just for a while but weeks. I have some type of neurological problem, i dont even know what it is. I cant go to the doctor, no baby-sitters, no time. Anyway it does not matter. 

im sorry, nobody will probably read this, its ok. i dont expect anything. I just needed to vent. I really am not strong, i only do this because i have to, because if i didnt do it, nobody would. I am the one that had these kids, i love them to death, i wish i could be better for them, and STOP BEING SO SELFISH, and just deal. Its so hard, so hard, nobody know,,,,  

Some days i do think or maybe wish i choose a different life, i feel bad to that, but its true, i would not change it if i could go back, but i just think sometimes about it. 

will stop now 

My six reasons to live. My husband ______, E____ 6, K___ 4, G____ 3, L____ 2, J___ 1. 

Replying to: hopelesness returns(trigger)
Posted: May 08, 2008

Oh honey I hear you!

Your words make me want to write a story about a woman with chains around her neck.

Heavy chains that weighed her down and curved her back till she was bent forward in a bowing position.

So low that her eyes never saw the sky.

All she saw was feet and the dirt they tracked in

Her reflection only occasionally glimped in the pools of spilt juice and water.

Yet still she refused to shurk her duty and daily she went through the motions

Somedays it was all she could do to bear the weigh of the chains.

Her tears and sweat polished the chains till they gleemed

as time pasted the jossiling of chains worn them down and made them lighter

and lighter

and lighter

till after many years all she wore were 5 delicate strands of linked silver.

Her years of hard work to carry those chains paid off.

and she thought no one noticed or cared of the sacrifice she had made to change those chains into necklaces.

But the future son in law did. And his eyes moistened with gratitude as the woman gave him the first of the chain necklaces with its 'E' charm

on and on she over time gave each of her necklaces away. Delighting in the dancing joy she saw in the eyes of the recipient.

But...dear N____ , I have no time for story telling today, my own chains are rattling and chafing. Just wanted you to know I hear you and the dark place you are. I hope my lantern will light your world for a moment and hug your soul.

peace be the journey


Replying to: hopelesness returns(trigger)
Posted: May 08, 2008

Oh thank you P, for understanding me, i feel like no one under stands me like that. I will write that story down and carry it with me forever! I am not lieing i will. It touched me and made me cry. Thank you! You have touched my soul when i needed it most. I hope you are right and my kids will carring on a legacy of my hard work. You have know idea how much you have helped me! 

Thank you sweet P!!