Tuesday, October 30, 2012


We were taking goofy pictures and trying to out do each other. Take picture - turn over camera - laugh - repeat. 

I lack the ability to look cross eyed. I simply fail in that skill. My son however is quite good at doing it on demand.

That is one of the braces I am wearing 24/7 on my right arm...which accounts for some of the lack of blogging.

The best picture is one that I didn't catch. Its the kids reaction to seeing this photo when I flipped the camera over. OMG they laughed like hyena's. 

Dentures for the win.

(I will get to writing in a bit guys. I'm struggling to process everything that has happened this month. I am so overwhelmed. Plus my arm is hurting. I have come to the conclusion that this MVA injury is not going to heal and that is making me really sad.)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Mom 1948-2012

You don't start a relationship with a person and think, "Are you worth the pain?" Will getting to know you and being your friend and falling in love with you, and enjoying a life time of memories together be enough compensation for the pain that your death will cause me someday.

You just leap into relationships and don't question it.

Mom sized me up the first time she me.  With exactly that look in her eyes.

She wasn't too thrilled that first meeting to discover I was nine years older than Corey. That small disappointment in her voice was a glimpse into her heart. She, like all mothers wanted her son to find someone to love and be happy. She worried about him being alone.

Corey and I were just friends when she met me. I never dreamed that she would someday be my mother in law.

You know that is so strange to write. Mother in law I never called her that or referred to her as such, she was always Mom.

I enjoyed getting to know her. We are a lot alike. Both beautiful, dark haired women who wear glasses, that are mysterious and battle within ourselves, and look awesome in hats! Plus we both think that Corey is pretty special.

Ginny if there is a TRAM button in heaven, you should push it, cause you got all the tricks now, and you left us all going set. I can just see you grinning like a Cheshire cat and you lay that 2 of diamonds down at His feet.

In the language of my people....Etgibniraundy 

There is no translation, just know it is given from my heart with sincere love an honor and deep respect.

Mom, you are worth this pain. I am so glad you battles are over now. That you are free of the pain. I know this pressure in my heart is one last hug from you, and I don't want to let it go.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Assassin's creed for nintendo ds!!!????

Why did I not know this!!

The monthly budget got shot all to heck this month. Between my medical bills and everything else its just a train wreck.

Talked to hubby and told him I can't deal with entertaining the kids for the 8+ hour drive to Mom's funeral, or the 8+ hour drive back home. I am at the end of my rope. Asked if we could purchase Nintendo DS's to pacify the crew.

He agreed.

Went to get them today and saw that assassin's creed has a DS game.





I have wanted to play this one since I first saw it, but we couldn't afford to change the gaming platform we have.

aahhh, we are still on a N-64.

(with the original controllers...see through green and the gold one)

So now I am wondering if we need a third DS so I can be pacified too.

(insert image of cranky fat old woman dying of boredom on the drive)

either that or I need to drug one of the children so they sleep and I can use their new one.

(insert crying child while old woman plays AC for the whole 8 hour drive)

WAIT!! its my B-day next month!! I know what I want!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012


So much to blog and my car accident injured elbow flared up and I am 24/7 in a brace and air splint for two weeks.

That is a long time to a writer.

Oh sure I can type one handed but the speed of my brain is way to fast for one set of phalanges.

My sister even gave a great blog idea and I can't write about it. LOL.

quick update then a poem.

The ultrasound showed two growths in my right boob. Which I find funny cause the left one feels like I am smuggling contraband in it. Its not suspected to be cancer, and they suggested I consider a biopsy. Even with 30% discount that is 1900$...aaah, pass.

My mother in law died on Tuesday. That is so strange to type...I have never thought of her my "mother-in-law" she was simply, "Mom".

Heading up to her funeral next week. The family is still smarting from grandpa dying this summer.

I want to write about all the stuff swirling in my head/heart, but see above.

I was reminded of an old poem today as Hansolo and were out. As we were walking the sun suddenly illuminated a single strand of spiders silk across the walkway.....right at neck level.

LOL, that similar image caused me to write this years and years ago.


So softly she sways in the setting sun
just several seconds since
she was strangled by a silvery strand of spiders silk
stretched sideways across the shadowy side walk


This poem was hotly debated in my writing class. First they didn't like the lack of punctuation, then all the SSS's and last the title.

The title actually has two meanings, the second one was unintentional. I was thinking HOMICIDE as in the spider had set out its single stand of silk to decapitate some pedestrian strolling by. The class was thinking SUICIDE as in the spider hung herself  which totally changes the whole imagery of the poem. Either way works for me man!

I refused to back down on the SSS's....this poem is meant to be read in a soft voice/whisper. Or even better lean over and hiss it into someones ear to really appreciate the musical tone of it.

Lastly the lack of punctuation. Years after writing this I was vindicated by a computer program my brother had. You typed in some of your writing and the computer would tell you what skill level it was.

He asked me for some of my writing on the spot and all I could repeat from memory was this poem.

He entered it as in. Computer promptly reported my skill level was hovering between stained beets and creamed corn.

Brother then added the proper punctuation and entered it again.

It then reported the writing sample as the highest you could get. He and my sister looked at me in new found respect for my dazzling skills as a writer.

*pumps chest* oh yeah baby.

P!! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A "quick update then a poem." STOP USING YOUR HAND!

Get off my case I am typing with my feet....haters gonna hate, writers gotta write...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

full circle.

Breast biopsy in the morning. Been thinking about how I want to die all weekend.

You know, never hurts to allow your anxiety to run amok and come up with worst case scenario after  worst case scenario, it keeps it busy so you can get stuff done.

I was born on the kitchen table.

I think I want to die on the kitchen table too.

I mean why not go out as you came in aye?

I either need to loose some weight or get a bigger table though.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


So last week I had to have two mammograms. Geesh...if the radiologist really wanted to see that much of my boobs he should just read my blog!

While I was waiting for the second one, two others ladies were in there chatting with me to kill the time till we were called.

The tech came out and called me. "Ummm......ahhh" she stuttered staring at my name on her sheet.

Sometimes I feel mean and make them take a stab at pronouncing my name, other times I just answer to that vocal hesitation that usually precedes my name being called.

Feeling generous I turned to her and filled in my name "Its pronounced P."

(PA-JUH, it rhymes with rajah and sounds so unusual when spoken softly)

Behind me the other two ladies appeared from there cubicals.

"what did you say your name was?" one demanded eyeing me like I was a filthy liar.

"P" I said enjoying the look of confusion on her face. The other lady was looking at me like she had seen a ghost or just realized she was in the presence of some divine mythological creature.

I have yet to place that look. Its one that perks my interest because I have seen it so many times.

Most people expect me to look like this when they see my name:

 (When I wore this and went to my work, no one recognized me it was soooo funny!!)

Or at the very least:

(Exiled Russian princess anyone?)

But if they have heard my name over the phone or someone has spoken it they expect me to look like this:

Most are disappointed to find that I look like this and do not match my name at all.

(dawww love to snuggle with Core)

When my mother was 8 months pregnant with me, she had a dream, and I came to her and told her I wanted to be named P. So when I was born she did so. Had I been a boy I would have been Raja. My name has been an interesting thing to live with over the years. Sometimes a burden and other times  liberating.

In grade school when role would be called it went like this.






Me: Here!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

You lead, I follow

This was written for a young father who's son was critically injured and not expected to survive.  I have altered one word in this version to change the feel of it. It applies to all of us. We don't get to pick who is sent to teach us.

You lead

I follow

Little son, before you were born

I saw my role unfolding

I would be your daddy, I would lead

you would follow.

I would show you places that would enrich your soul

deepen your heart

spark excitement and joy in your growing sense of self.

I would lead with strong determined foot steps,

cause I knew where we were heading

you would follow on toddlers feet delighting in the adventure

So much my son, to do in one lifetime

oh the hopes and dreams that opened up in me...for us.

Your tiny chest rises

then falls.



The click buzz whirr of the machines that surround us

not the lullaby I wanted to sing to you.

Your tiny chest rises

then falls.

rises.....you lead

falls.....I follow

rises....you lead

falls....I follow

You never commanded an army,

yet here you give orders and lead me into battle and scary places I don't want to go

you have never stood behind a podium

yet here you lecture and teach me things no other have dared to.

We never got to play ball, yet

you have thrown so many things at me, it will take a life time to catch them all.

Little son, now that you are here

I see my role unfolding

I will be your daddy, I will follow you

You lead.

You will show me places that will enrich my soul

deepen my heart

I will follow a great man

who's little foot prints will leave deep impression on my life.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

First to be eaten

After a verbal skuffle with KSS I told the other kids to get in the truck and we would wait for her at the gate.

While we waited I silently fumed a bit about having to fight with KSS to come with us.

At last I turned to the other kids. "You know if we are ever stranded on a deserted island, KSS will be the first one to be eaten."

Her cousins busted up laughing.


I realized this summer that I have now become the "first to be eaten."

I am no longer a viable deserted island party member. I am not worth my salt.

I am no longer a breeding female. I am no longer physically able to build huts, escape raft, and most important ROW.

All I can offer is the knowledge of how to build shelter/raft, purify water, find food, etc.

But once I run out of my thyroid medication....I am worth nothing....and I get bumped up the list to become dinner.

That is a weird thing to think about.

My husband will not eat me. He gets a horrified look in his eyes and adamantly refuses to consider eating me if we are trapped on a deserted island.

I would eat him.

Actually you wouldn't want to be trapped on a deserted island with me. Because of this reason:

I have medical knowledge.

When I run out of my medication, I know where to find the thyroid hormone.

There is a supply in your thyroids.

So not only am I first to be eaten now, I should definitely also be, first to be killed in their sleep so they don't turn into a hypothyroid zombie!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Shrimp sauce and a day off

gawd I need one.

I think that is why I wrote about the radiation isolation the other day.  Why it was on my mind.

I have an appt for another test today to help rule out what is medically wrong with me.

Worse than that though is I need to call and set up yet another appt for my elbow that was injured last may in the car crash. uuuggh. The cortisone shot is no longer helping and the pain has returned.

I am not able to sleep comfortably do to the swollen lymph tissue in my abdomen.

I just want to slip away unnoticed and unannounced and go away.

Where no one knows where I have gone...not even me.

I need time to get my shit together.

I feel like I an failing on so many fronts.

Oh and the shifting weather is making my back arthritis flair up. Would someone please take that sign off my back? The one that says "She's down! kick her!"

The anxiety about all my medical conditions is causing me to dissociate further and further away. A way to close off and be detached. I don't like it when I find my self doing that. Those who live with me loose out, I loose out.

I have to find me. I feel like I am lost.

Yeah this is partly due to the usual mental decompensation that the fall brings (ie: season affect disorder S.A.D)

So I am normally a neurotic mess this time of year. I usually go into the approaching fall at a gallop and with a sword to fend off the depression as long as I can. This year I feel like I am on a bike with two flat tires and all I am wielding is a broken Popsicle stick.

I need to set up some priorities.

a Do or die list for the coming days. (aka dangling a carrot in front of my face)

as I need a focus to swim to as the murky water rises and tries to drown me.

DORDIE list 10-2-2012

1. get up today (like to start with something I can cross off right away)
2. stay up
3. Go to appt at 1:10
4. grocery shop on way home.
5. plan a real dinner for my family. You are not feeding your family right and you need to work on being a better mother in that area.
6. Pepsi is NOT an approved breakfast food....eat something
7. homework earlier so boy is fresh and there will be less fighting
8. homework for girlie after she gets home
9. don't answer the phone if work calls. Working from home is a blessing, but also a wretched curse.
10. LOOK your family in the eyes and make sure you connect with each and everyone.
11. When kids are in bed play MTG with hubby. (hah! I also like to add something that I don't have to twist my arm to do!)
12. Thursday is payday. Plan on and go eat Chinese food. Chinese food therapy is soooo much cheaper then real therapy.

Funny. That is it right there.

I need Chinese food.

To drown my sorrows in shrimp sauce. To quell the screaming anxiety in me with a pile of warm mar far chicken. Comfort food.

I need to stop running and comfort me. No one else can comfort me at this level, but me. I have my internal deflection grid on line. Others attempts bounce off, for the simple reason that if I am not comforting my selves than I will not allow others to comfort me either.

My mother believes that sympathy is a sick emotion. So she never offered it to me as a child. As a result I am used to walking around wounded and in pain and being ignored. You just learn to shut the hell up and keep moving. You wouldn't believe the amount of therapy it took to correct that small detail from my childhood.

I am in very real physical pain. I am scared about all this medical stuff. I want and need a mama to hold me and comfort the small parts of me who are like bobbers on the fishing line, barely holding their heads above water.

I allow no one to approach me on that level of intimacy. Except Chinese food. The warm food nestled in my belly is the hug that I have always needed since I was a small child.

I must fight the S.A.D or I will slip into a dark place. Where I will be no good to my family or my selves. Its not a shield and sword I need to wield in this fight, its egg foo young and a fortune cookie.