Thursday, August 18, 2016


I think I have blogged about this before, not sure though. It's on my mind again.

Woke up this morning after a hectic stretch of 11 days with nutty-off scheduled sleep, sighed and said aloud to my self "common get up, you have to do those dishes." (which were many).

Sleepy husband opens his eyes and says, "you might have less to do then you think."

That dear man has stayed up last night after I went to bed and washed the dishes for me.

A gift, which I was, am very grateful for.

My body is every so slowly loosing functioning. The undiagnosed medical issue is eroding my ability to do all they physical stuff I used to be able to do.

We ran lab work this month and FINALLY there reflecting a problem. Have been referred to an rheumatologist to see if we can't finally find out what is going on.  Waiting on that right now.

In the mean time I am just in a horrible, horrible state. The physical issues are making functioning very difficult. My normal routine got scrambled so I could cover for a co-worker who needed time off. Resulting in two rotation of days off where I only got one day off. I absolutely MUST have three days off to recover between work weeks.

I just stopped trying to keep up with the house work. I couldn't sleep and was sooooo tired and exhausted.

Husband has told me many times if I need help to just ask.

But I don't ask.

My best guess why is....I don't want to be a burden.

Which is looming down in my future like a freight train.

I felt like a burden as a child. Made to feel bad when I out grew my shoes/clothes and cost the family money. I stopped telling them when my shoes were too small. Just squished my feet into them.

Grilled into me from youth..."if you don't work you don't eat."

Been working since I was 12.  Finding it difficult this summer. Makes me panicky.

I don't want to be a burden. I am feeling more and more like that as I am struggling with physical issues this summer.

My personal ideology of what my roles as a wife should be includes who does all the house work. I find it impossible to ask for help.

But asking is slowly creeping in.

"can you carry this to the laundry room for me?"

I need to work on this, cause my body is no longer cooperating with me. Started physical therapy for my neck yesterday. MRI showed it was worse then we thought.

Crap. I blinked and got old.

I'm fighting to keep from becoming a burden.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Skinned part three

* * * Trigger for dark imagery. I promise. I won't leave her there.* * *

* * * * She's a stubborn one for sure, dug in like a tic. Your not staying there little one, we are all going to pull until you come out. * * * *

As time passed, her trunk became saturated with murky ground water. She could feel herself ever, so, slowly, dissolving and dissipating into the dank mud around her.

I will just cease to be. She silently thought. No one knows I am here.

"Not true." came a voice through the murk. I know you're there."

She became aware of a scratching sound as the mud above her began to shiver. The rhythm of the movement became more frantic as two black paws worked diligently to dig her free.

At last she saw the face of the fox as he reached his snout down into the hole and grabbed her in his mouth. Tugging with some urgency to free her form the earth.

"still a freak" hissed the dagger tree. "You don't belong here."

The fox wasted to no time and whirled and took flight.

She was barely conscious of the burry pattern of browns and greens as they streamed passed her as she was carried away from the dagger tree.

"You can't ... grow ... when your the ....shadow of ....darkness." the fox panted as he stopped and set her down.

She rolled over and over in the soft grass, Her bark less trunk still soaking with muck and mire, twisted uncomfortably as she rolled. "why did you dig me up?" she said at last, as a few drops of the ground water squeezed out of her in grey tears.

His soft brown eyes smiled as he stood up and shook the last of the mud from his rich red coat. Without answering her, he placed a paw on her to keep her from rolling off. He began looking though the trees around then. His ears alert and focus on the task.

At last he picked her up and in a smooth jump began climbing up a nearby tree. With some effort he wedged her in the branches so the tree was cradling her. He said to her. "We are born to be carried. All of us carried in our mother's womb. All of us carried in the loving arms of family until we can walk. All of us carried when we are wounded and can't walk. All of us carried to our graves."

He jumped out of the tree and scratched a quick nest in the grass at the base of the tree. Curling up he tucked his face under his tail.

She tried to twist in the branches, but they held her firm. Irritated she snapped, "why did you dig me up?"

His tail twitched off his face. "You were not dead."

"But I wanted to be." she painfully moaned.

"That is why we are carrying you. Until your legs are again strong enough to carry yourself."


The wind stirred and began to rock the tree. She felt herself began to sway.

"Yes we" said the trees around her.

She fell into an exhausted sleep safe in the tree.

end of part three...


hmmm. story is refusing to be a trilogy. Okay fine, not giving up. I will find a way to get her out.