Thursday, July 19, 2018

It's gone

I have been cleaning my desk today. All over I am finding story/blog ideas I have jotted down.

In the past, all I needed was a "book mark" to jog my mind.

Now they are undecipherable cryptic notes.

That makes me sad.

I don't know if its the physical illness or the natural menopausal crap, or my brain has developed some sort of dementia, but its gone.... my ability to be a writer.

I look at the drafts in my blog folder, and I can see the ghost of the former me trying in vain to reach that level I once had.

I re-read over old stuff and …..fuuuuuuck man, where the hell did she go?

This revolting development isn't sitting well with me.

once my body was all used up and I couldn't work any more....I hoped to find a way to support my self via my writing. (yes I know that is a complete delusion...but one that keeps me from freaking out about becoming so disabled, and useless.)

So who am I?

all those labels of the past have been slowly stripped off by time and disability.

I was a runner, figure skater, rider, flyer, I was a untamable horse that everyone chased but never could catch.

I was a wife and a mother who gave 100% to her family.

Now I am the weak link, who is on the verge of becoming a burden...of not being able to pull my weight.

I don't like the new labels that are creeping in.

I am a financial burden, disabled physical train wreck of a depressed soul.

Once who can't sing for her supper.

One who's purpose is gone.

This is a lot like high wire walking over a huge crevasse...but the wire appears only a second before your foot comes down. I don't know which step will send me plummeting to earth.

Each and every step I take feels like my last.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

WTH

*Morning rant* (skip if fucking curse words ain't your thing)
This morning my son tells me while at summer school he does 2 hrs of work then reads for the rest of the day.
ARE.
YOU.
FUCKING.
KIDDING.
ME?
THIS IS WHY WE ARE GOING TO SUMMER SCHOOL YOU ASSHOLES!!! BECASUE YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO THIS!!!!
YOUR A FUCKING TERACHER!!!! IF YOU NEED ME TO COME SIT BY HIM AND KEEP HIM ON TEACK 24/7 I WILL BE THERE, THATS WHY I WORK NIGHTS!!!! IF YOU AN'T/WONT DO IT THEN DRAFT ME, WEW ARE SUPPOST TO WORK ON THIS CHILD AS A TEAM!!! YOU ALL DON'T HAVE MY BACK IN THIS!!! AN I'M FUCKING PISSED!!
THIS RANT GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO HIS KINDERGARDEN TEACHER WHO INFORMS ME THE LAST.
FUCKING.
WEEK.
OF THE SCHOOL YEAR AS SHE HANDS ME A GIANT WAD OF PAPERS, THAT
"JUR HASN'T BEEN COMPLETING HIS CLASS WORK."
WHAT.
THE.
FUCKING.
HELL?!
YOU JUST TAUGHT ME SON THAT SCHOOL ISN'T SOMTHING HE HAS TO DO YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
I TRIED TO GET THEM TO HOLD HIM BACK IN K, 1ST, 2ND, 3RD, AND 4TH GRADE. I COULD SEE HE WAS NOT LEARNING WHAT HE NEEDED TO .
WHY.
COULDN'T.
THEY??!!!
EACH YEAR I SEND HIS TEACHERS A EMAIL, TELLING THEM MY CONCERNS, HIS STRENGTHS NOT TO LET HIM READ DURING CLASS (and yes I can, and do stop him from bringing books from home, but they so kindly take him to the school library and get him one)
BIG LETTERS EVERY YEAR
NO.
READING
IN
CLASS
YOUR
THE
TEACHER
T-E-A-C-H HIM.
I'VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR ELEVEN YEARS WITH THE SCHOOL SYSTEM.
His class of 2020 is on tract to be the first class to have 100% graduation.
I just want to know how many students are being flushed through with out getting an education? who like my son are being allowed to skate with subpar work?
and more importantly.
WHERE DID THE EDUCATION SYSTEM LOOSE ITS FUCKIN' BALLS?
I'M TIRED OF FIGHTINGTHE SCHOOL SYSTEM. I GOING MORE PRIMATIVE NOW. I'M GOING TO START THROWING SHIT LIKE A MAD MONKEY
HE'S A CHILD! YOUR A GROWN UP
PART OF TEACHING IS TO
HELLO
TEACH!
all he has learned is, "you'll pass me no matter what crap I hand in. You won't listen to my mother and here advice. Teachers have no power over me...even the power to tell me, JUR put away your book and do your assignment."
RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!
*&^%&%$%#%^$&&*(^%$$^&(&*^%$#@!!!!!!!!!