Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Skinned part two

* * * Trigger for dark imagery. I promise. I won't leave her there.* * *

* * * * I guess she is not coming out willingly...I better go get her... * * * *

Nestled in her earthy bed she slumbered silently for years until at last she felt the sun's light reaching through the dirt to warm her. It called and pulled at her until she reluctantly responded by arching her back and leaning into it. The light pulled her from her cocoon of dirt.

As she broke the surface her arms flailed and to she found leaves on them. The  gentle wind twisted her supple trunk and made her dance in the warm light.

"you don't belong here." the dagger tree next to her told her. "You belong with other humans."

Her little leaves drooped and fell off like tears. "I want to be a tree. To have roots and never have to move. Just to silently stand still and blend in."

"You will never blend in, you don't belong here." it growled, as it flexed it thorns her direction.

She felt her bark wither and flake from her trunk., until she was peeled. She slumped and bend down and laid flat on the earth and closed her eyes. "I don't belong with humans either." she sobbed.

"freak" it hissed slowly, then turned away.

She felt her little roots snap and release her from the earth. She didn't struggle. She laid still as the forest life shined happily on around her. Her tears moistened the earth beneath her until she slowly sunk below the muddy surface, rootless and lost. In this bog, the darkness covered her with its blanket and its weight pinned her down in a comforting smoothing, stillness.

She at last took a deep shuddering breath and was still.

As time passed, her trunk became saturated with murky ground water. She could feel herself ever, so, slowly, dissolving and dissipating into the dank mud around her.

I will just cease to be. She silently thought. No one knows I am here.

"Not true." came a voice through the murk. I know you're there."

end of part two...

Monday, July 11, 2016

writers lint tumbling in my mind

The pain is consuming me tonight. Can't sleep.

My life experiences that lead to this pain reads like some "don't try this at home kids" list.

Don't wrestle dementia residents,
Don't ride wild horses,
Don't run in socks on freshly mopped floors,
Don't hesitate mid rotation while doing an axel on roller skates
Don't crush yourself in your car door

but the pain makes me who I am.

Tucked in an old man last night and watched him take his final breaths.

I am glad I was there to carefully wash and adjust him so that his last moments were as kind as his first.

A complete circle.

Birthed to loving arm that eagerly held him. A mother's kind loving face saying "hello"

to an incredible journey that made him who he was.

His path winding through the cosmos until he found himself on a stretch where he was walking with new faces and fellow travelers.

till it's my face he see's.

I cradle him on a sea of pillows and position his worn out, failing body with skilled precision.

My own pain knowledge give me an incredible insight into the pain of others.

I see him relax and let go.

I look him in the eyes and complete the circle by sending him off with a loving smile. I leave him to his journey and slip quietly from his room.

oh to die with no pain.

He did it right.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

better today

Doped my self up and finally got some decent sleep. I am less depressed today. No longer suicidal, thankfully...those relentless rolling waves of urges are just, brutal.

Got some long over due chores done with hubby today, so feeling accomplished.

Just "shave my legs" left on the list.

I'm tempted to leave that one till another day. Work doesn't seem to mind me rocking the "wookie with mange" look late at night.

Live is so much easier when your own head isn't trying to kill you.

Friday, July 1, 2016

TRIGGER- depressed as shit right now

a friend reached out to me earlier today and because of the love and trust I have in her I opened up.

And I wrote this:

"feeling absolutely horrifically suicidal today. sigh. I hate my brain."

"my brain has a hard time dealing with the pain. pain = danger, and to be in this much pain 24/7 just wears you down. bleah.....and after my FNP shit on me I am AFRAID to call her and be seen. I need to find a new doctor, but damn it, that is a nauseating prospect in itself. so I sit here in pain wanting to die."

"...I needed to go sit with the trees, and them to find the splinted remains of my most loved tree well just fuck you life,"

(I went to the Redwoods this week to seek the comfort of my eden. See that large sunny spot? Its not suppose to be there. Grandmother has fallen and her splintered red wood is a raw jagged wound in the cool shadows of the forest. Her canopy shadow completely blocked out all that sun.)

"feel like I have been time traveling and have severe jet lag."

to which she replied: "Maybe you have!"

I've been dancing over landminds for over a month now. Some flashbacks along the way to pour some salt in my wounds.

Burned four VCR tapes worth of old family movies to DVD and have watched them 3 times now. Well guess what? That is why I am tap dancing in the mindfield.

I have learned over the years to be suspicious of any adult recovered memories of my childhood.  If they can't be attached to a FIRM memory or existing piece of evidence I note them but do not consider them. If no one can attest to them then they are discarded completely.

Well my sister and I watched the movies a few days ago and she enlarged a memory she had shared with me before. The additional info...was...is staggering.

It validated some loose ends and then tied them all into a neat bow.

yes I have been time traveling. going back in time and watching that devastatingly gorgeous innocent face, beaming with trust and no pain. I want to scream at her. RUN!!! Seeing things moving is different then the still photos. It's a 100 x's more triggering.

Watching the movies made my sister ponder a deep question that she voiced aloud.

Instant disassociation within me. oh my gawd...I know that answer.

and that knowledge makes me want to go on a self injury spree that would certainly leave me dead in my current struggling state.

I think some of my off season depression right now is due to stopping the buspar. Plus being sick and the life stressors that I am being pummeled with. I need to find a way to get my feet back on the ground and my life back in balance.

When I do, I have a answer I need to share with my sister, ...and a life to get back to living.