Friday, October 24, 2014


Running on no sleep last night at work my mind started writing.

What it choose to write was a will.

I haven't written a will in over 10 years.

Prior to marriage I averaged 2-3 wills a year.

Prior to therapy I averaged 3-4 a month.

Had I saved them all I could print a book of wills.

I found it unsettling that is what my tired mind choose to write/think about.

When I am suicidal and wanting to off myself...I don't usually think about leaving a will. I just want the bleep outta dodge.

What makes me want to leave a will today is...physically feeling like I'm going to die. This strange aura of ....unexplainable weirdness inside that only crops up occasionally. Like I have been recalled by the cosmos and my visa has expired and I have to go back.

Dissociative disorder side effect? Another level of the PTSD/anxiety combo?

Yet part of me is comfortable with this feeling/state.

and I wonder if its not unlike what hibernating animals must experience as they shift from there.

hummm lots of mental gum to chew on today.

Monday, October 20, 2014

well that deteriorated rapidly!

Holy smokes!....the last three blogs do more to demonstrate I actually do have S.A.D. (Seasonal affect disorder) and a sensitivity to medication then any thing I have seen in a while.

My mood always take a drastic turn when the weather/season change every year. This year it went from 0-60 in a heart beat. Then to counter that I took an as needed Ativan....which was from a new prescription and a different manufacture then what I have been taking...and waaa-LA! a very, very nearly fatal, bad day happened.

*Smacks forehead with my hand*

Very thankful my husband was there to take 100% control of the house/kids and keep an eye on me.

I was going to delete those entries but have decided to leave them.

I am no longer sick. I am feeling better, centered, grounded, dare I say, sane?

I also have been blessed with an extra day off this week.

After I clean the house and get all caught does a non-psycho blog post sound?

Oh? Having a guest blogger step in?

Be quiet you! LOL.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Even with ativan in me

I have spent the last few hours trying to decided where to burn myself.

Where can I burn that new work will not see and still give me the release I need.

my son just read me his English paper draft where he  classifies me as "a fat lazy sleeper."  :(  hard not to be angry when I am working 10 hour shifts to help give him a better life.

Not what I needed to hear on top of the urges to go ballistic and burn the shit out of my selves.

woooooo, this is going to be one hell of a night.

10-17-14 AM Edit: I just went to bed and pulled the covers over my head and slept till it was time to go to work. There my mood lifted and the urges to harm went away. I feel better and back in control this morning. gaaaah yesterday was really really scary.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

weather torture

My pain levels got to 10/10 this morning. Ack it was awful. Sometimes the pain get so bad I don't realize that is what is driving my mind to the "I wanna die" levels. I am sadly so used to be being in a lot of pain that its normal.

It took all morning and everything I had at my disposal, but I got the pain to ease up.

The weather this time of year just does a number on my arthritic old joints...and boy howdy do I have a lot of those.

anyway...feeling better, as far as my mental health goes. Still coughing up crap...and was running a fever again today. No I haven't traveled to Texas or any where in Africa lately.

Monday, October 13, 2014



Its now been 18 hours since I wrote the drivel I'm about to post. I have gotten some sleep and it has helped a little bit. I still feel irritated and hostile, but I think that's normal for me an more. Some questions rolling around in my head today. Am I in the right job? Do I need to find one with different hours so I can get the kids off to school? Can my body hold up? Am I too old to do this job anymore. I am feeling the onset of the winter weather as the cool nights settle in my joints and aggravate my arthritic old bones.

I think of my neighbor who worked as a cashier though her chemo treatments, never missing a day. How do people do that? What gives them the strength to keep going? I do not have that strength. I feel like my body is failing me. That I'm an old race horse being ridden hard with the whip cutting into my sweaty flanks.

I went shopping today and got food. I am hoping eating better will help me recover from this head/chest cold. I am on day number 11 of snot and coughing up phlemmy blobs of goop.

I try not to post the really whiney temper tantrums here....but figured what the hell. After purging my rage last night I took an Ativan and went to bed.

Here's a peak into my darkness last night.


every have days you just wanna die? When life holds nothing for you, and your done. Really done.
Where a terminal diagnosis would make you sigh with relief that this is all over?

gaah...fighting that head space these days. Its not winter rolling in, or the onset of the cold weather. Its just...I'm done. I'm ready to die. I am tired of living. So tired of living. Tired of fighting to exist, to be here on this planet, to continue to move forward.

I don't even have the strength to care that I don't care. I am having visions of running away and killing my selves.  Its never any good when I go straight to wanting to be dead vs wanting to hurt my self.

I don't even care.

Life just is so overwhelming right now that I want to check out.

Trying to work with my son to get caught up and back on track with school work. A 12 year battle with him. He will not learn from me. Trust me I have tried. Middle school has handed him more responsibility then he can handle, and he's fighting me to do the 70 min of homework each night.

Know what? I don't give a shit any more. I have been fighting him for 8 years now about school work. Its a no win battle. I should just let him quit and teach him how to make meth and get him hooked up with some crack heads and drop him and a sleeping bag off under the over pass.

crappy mother of the year, yeah I know, gun to my temple blow my brains out just to get away from my life. Can't even take care of me.

waaaah, freaking pity party. Sick now for 10 days. Can you tell its eroding my sanity? Two hours of sleep today, great recipe for making me a bitch.

How do I help my son? His speech is deteriorating again too.

I worry about him. He has a genetic "gun" pointed at his head that is a constant issue that I worry about. Makes me question if any of this is worth it? Is all this tension and heartbreak moot in the end?

Fuck me. Two hours of sleep and over a week of snotty head cold-hacking up globs of phlem and I am sooooooo crabby.

No wonder death looks so inviting. done. so. done. burnt out. fried crispy burnt out.

no gun to kill my self with. Not enough drugs to OD with. Husband has the truck for that is not an option. Guess my only escape tonight is sleep. If the world was a benevolent place, I will die peacefully in my sleep tonight of crabby-ass-itis.

I don't feel good and I can't take care of my family. It makes me want to claw my skin off my face....smash my head in with a crow bar. I'm failing right and left, my guts spilled out getting tangled around my feet, tripping me, falling in the bloody gore, too weak to get back up.

Can't shake the thought that killing my self would help my children. Maybe there next mother would be better then me. She would be able to reach and help them.

gawd, I just re-read over this vomit, and I think I might be a tad bit depressed on top of everything else. Ativan on tap and to bed in 30 minutes, before I do something stupid. I have a lab appointment in the morning to see if my thyroid if off again. (ya think?)


bed, I am going to bed soon.

hope I don't wake up.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

short update

Not long ago I went to water Stickrod and found his leaves turning brown. At first I thought Mr. Stickrod was dying of the illness that killed his predecessor Treesie-weesie. I was upset that our new tree was going to die even before he was a year old.

I know I am a plant killer but common!

September was such a whirl wind of chaos that most of its is gone in a stress filled Ativan haze. My work hours/schedule was a nightmare. 11:30 pm to 9:30 am in random days sometimes numbering up to 5 in a row. So my brain was not thinking properly.

So I didn't do anything rash with Stickrod.

Which was good cause once I got some sleep and things calmed down a bit, it occurred to me that.....hello....Stickrod was a deciduous tree! (i.e.: his leaves are suppose to turn brown and fall off in the winter! LOL.)

darn tree almost got a premature burial due to sleep deprivation psychosis diagnosing.

(That is his pot friend, some Chinese flower plant that looks like its trying to strangle Stickrod as it grows its tentacles, errr vines.)

The scheduling gods have given me a reprieve this week and put me on a civilized 4 on 3 off for the next two weeks.

The flu gods however have decided that a massive head cold would make the last three work nights a bit more challenging so I have been sick the last 4 days.

Since I went back to work, every morning when I walk into my house I always have the same reaction..."Oh my gosh we have been ransacked and robbed!!!

then I realize that nothing is missing, except me there to do house work. LOL

Now that civility has returned to my schedule I will be working on diving up the work between me and the family so we can get a handle on that aspect also. They have been such troopers through all of this. Hubby taking on the chore of getting the kids up and off to school alone. As well as dealing with an exhausted crabby wife who can't sleep. The kids have stepped up also and put themselves to bed on Monday nights while Dad is at chess club and I am sleeping. They are a good bunch of eggs.

For now I am enjoying the flowers on Stickrod's pot friend. They seem to only bloom for me. They are a welcome little smile every morning as I crawl home to go to bed. In the afternoon as I drag myself to go pick up the first child, they are wilted and gone.

Looking forward to health and being able to write again without the sleep deprivation side effects.