Thursday, June 18, 2015

(continued) Shazam (end)


After I had caught my breath the hypnotherapist helped me relax back into the trance. (I'm not even sure that is the word I want to use, because the hypnotic state is not a "trance")

Relaxed but on guard, I opened my eyes to see him still there.

Alex's legs collapsed under him and he crumpled to the ground. His shoulders jerking as he sobbed deep chest sucking sobs.

I didn't know what to do. I had never seen this side of him. Was it real or a trap? I held firm in the rooted peaceful...calmness....control.

Frankly I was terrified.

But excited at the contact.

I felt the little part of me pull away and toddle over to him and sit next to him and hold his t-shirt. With things at a calm point we wrapped up the session and planned to continue the next week. I was given CLEAR orders I was not to go looking for the core of the anger alone.


Um, those instructions were lost on The Children of Starr. Richard once called me "the incredible self healing client" for my ability to pull off miraculous things between sessions.

This time was no different.

A day or two later I went back to visualize the event. Placed my self into a hypnotic state of deep meditation. I opened my eyes and stared at Alex. His pain and sorrow was genuine. I detected no threats from him. Standing before him, firmly grounded I wanted to reach out to him. But I needed my hands in my safe position to keep me safe.

My heart ached to comfort this lost child.

I felt my chest swell and split.

a bright light reached out to him from within me.

He reached up and took it.

If there is a thing as instant healing. This was as close to it that I ever got.

The change when I pulled my self out of the meditation was instant.

Like an anchor had been cut loose and I suddenly shot up to the surface.

Feeling peaceful still the next day I headed to the ocean and the redwoods. As I drove slowly through the rich shadowy redwoods I felt Alex stir in my mind.

His pale blue eyes met mine and he simply said.


I didn't understand what he meant.

I just accepted it, and mentioned it later in my therapy journal.

The next day rain clouds rolled into my head and Alex moved menacingly with them. The fear shot like lighting bolts through me. I redoubled my efforts to keep my self safe and grounded.

I kept my guard up.

I was driving down the highway miles from anywhere safe or close to a pay phone where I could call for help when the storm broke. It happened suddenly.

Alex surfaced in my mind like a breeching orca, his twisted teeth flashed as he smiled at me. Before I could even react to this sudden invasion in my mind. He smiled and looked skyward and exploded.

Sharp shards of glass shot outwards from within, embedding themselves in my skin.

I had to pull over.

Dizzy and off balance. I tried to reach a state of safety in my mind so I could figure out what just happened.


There was no answer. Just silence in my head.

I resumed my drive and as the miles past, the anger began to grow.

and grow.


holy shit.

It dawned on me what happened.

He had returned the anger to me.

That night, I spent laying on the floor of my trailer retching and sobbing as wave after wave of repressed memories flooded me. Landmind after landmind triggered and snapped shut. I was simply too exhausted by that point to harm my selves.

The glass shards in my soul were tiny daggers of anger. Anger at everything. I wondered what would happen if I removed one.  Cause you know, curiosity had the best of me at that point, and none of us were really sure what the next therapeutic step was at this junction.

Ste/I got focused and pulled one out.

The piece came out easily and as the blood oozed out I felt the wolf lunge out and snap at me. Ste jerked back visibly frightened.  I mentally remained very, very still. wondering what the heck was going to happen.

(Note that Ste/I share a shadow. I have never at any time considered any of my fragments to be complete autonomous entities. We are drawn separately to show what is going on in my mind, not what I perceive it to be.  When Richard noticed it and his reaction to seeing it, made me think he thought all along that I was having visual hallucinations and seeing people. This drawing reframed my diagnosis to him, and point it towards dissociative identity disorder.)

It translated into everyday life by me becoming easily agitated and angry over EVERYTHING.

I needed to find a way to calm the angry snarling internal wolf.

Back to the deep meditation exercises I went.

Offer the anger wolf food.


offer the wolf blood.


In desperation I tossed back my head and howled.

The wolf joined me.

Connected we "vented" together for about a week before I woke one day to find him gone. The glass shards eventually stopped being so sharp and faded away.

Alex and I achieved the first integrated status of Tcos.

As my healing journey rolled forward eventually other smaller fragment's of my head followed suit and integrated and my psyche smoothed over into a mostly whole image.

and that made my life much more peaceful.


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