Monday, August 27, 2018


I hit 200 pounds the other day.

I am struggling with this revolting development. This is the heaviest I have ever been.

There was no need to buy bigger clothes because I have always worn my clothes one size larger then I actually am. I just gradually grew into them.

I am under doctors orders not to exercise when the polymyositis is flaring. I've been in a flair all summer.

I'll admit my diet often is not healthy. I use food to treat my depression, fatigue, anxiety and to self injure.

It's gotten so much worse since I had my thyroid radiated and I lost my sense of taste. When I go to eat comfort food, the taste no longer comforts me, I have to over eat until I can FEEL the comfort via a way to full belly.

The other day Wal-mart was closing out there summer men's t-shirts and had all the 3X and 4X's on sale for $3.00.  I bought a bunch. I've been in 2X for some time so wasn't worried about fit.

When I put on one, there was a calmness that came over me. I realized....I have been in a quiet battle with my body since I grew into the 2X's.  I do not like tight fitting clothes. I do not like clothes that touch me, frankly, I do not like clothes at all.

So the simple act of once again wearing clothes one size two big has calmed me in a way that being under weighted blankets or swaddled helps some people.

Three years ago work nearly lost me when they insisted I wear the uniform size they thought I should wear. Yeah....this is a real thing that does affect my life.

I found a bra that fits, without touching me and my skin rashed out every where it touched me. My skin wants to be naked. 24/7. Which is an issue I've worked on my whole life.

I know I can wear buckskin without issue. I'm considering making a new buckskin/doeskin dress.

Until then. I have once again found the size that acts as a cloak of invisibility that both hides me and doesn't touch me.

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