By the numbers * *TRIGGER FOR SELF INJURY DISCUSSION* *

As I jotted down the hash marks in my therapy journal...I wasn't completely honest... mostly because I didn't want Richard to think I was a lunatic...even though I had told him I needed to be in therapy because I was a lunatic.

The X's represented episodes of self injury for that year.

Mind you, in the dark days the self injury was constant. 

Like daily, all day, during the waking hours. 

I can't even stress how much self inflicted violence I inflicted on my self over the years. 

It is STAGGERING.

I have hundred of burn scars. 

HUNDREDS.

But the numbers have no meaning. 

It's not the number of injuries that counts in the end, its the number of times I didn't.

I had started working on roping in the SIV (self inflicted violence) long before I headed out into therapy.  As I aged and got further and further away from what triggered the behavior in the first place, I could see I needed to change.

To show Richard how often I was injuring I jotted down that list you see above. 

Keeping track suddenly became a thing. Prior to this I didn't keep track. It was a very helpful too l for me to SEE it on paper like this.

Also for me to kinda track my progress as I learned healthier coping skill and put them into place. It became a sad thing to have to open my therapy journal and add a new x. I focused on those stinking numbers some days. Wondering ...have I lived like this so long I can never heal?

Time rolled on and did my 3 month stretch of no injuring. First time I had even been injury free for that length of time in forever. Bounding off that I set the goal of one year.

I recorded my wins along side my losses.

That X  list ends in 2000.

Life had smoothed out and I was in a loving safe environment and my non-injuring streak made it up to seven years before I again burned.

I dug our my old tattered therapy book to add that episodes X.

I stared for a long time at that page. My mind milling over old memories...old numbers.

But the numbers have no meaning. 

It's not the number of injuries that counts in the end, its the number of times I didn't.

I capped my pen and shut my journal without adding the new X.

Later when my burn was cleaned and bandaged, I grabbed a piece of paper and began dissecting the events that lead up to and contributed to the SIV episode.  

This injury wasn't a sign of failure. It was a sign there was still some work to be done.

I no longer keep a count of length between injuries either.

I no longer need that. 

I will always live with SIV. When it crops up I slow down and look to see what is off  and needs addressed in my life...what I need to do to put that old dusty coping skill back in it's mental box in the back of my head.