Tuesday, February 5, 2013

( o )( o )

I have been asked twice now, why did I choose to go ahead with the biopsy after I canceled it originally.

The main reason is this.

The potential  diagnosis of cancer was threatening my family. NOTHING threatens my family and goes unchallenged/ un-addressed.

Bottom line: I am integral in the safety/well being of my family and they need me. Period.

It took a bit to get all of me on board and in agreement, so that I would not panic about the money and cancel it again. The prospect of adding 2000+ to the medical debt was very, very nauseating.

I don't have insurance. That biopsy bill is 2-3 months worth of pay checks.

I was blessed by two people who have gifted me with money.

You, my blog readers, own them a thank you too. Now you don't have to read a whiny blog post about me being stressed over money. (maybe...)

The day after the biopsy the kids had a routine dental appointment.  They had no cavities!! Yippee!! Me playing the brush/floss natzi is paying off. That appointment ran 419$ And I feel no guilt or any other such nonsense in taking care of the kids.

So why do I feel so bad for taking care of me? I couldn't do the biopsy for me, but I could do it for them.

Is this my past again influencing my present day reality? (oh hell yes) Maybe.

I will have to deal with this uncomfortable feeling of wasting money on me. Right now the hours at work are okay, so the bills will get paid and we are not struggling. For that I am grateful.

And that forever suicidal part of my soul, that had hoped for a different biopsy result....she can shut the hell up. We are living on and enjoying our family. No easy outs. No sitting on the bench, I am putting you in the game even with your shifting mental health.

I am really struggling with my head space right now. I am having severe hypothyroid symptoms that are just kicking my butt. I have an appt to see the FNP on the 12th to see if we can change this before I loose my freakin' mind get worse.

I think for now I will lapse into silence and or just feed you old cheese, until my mental status even's out.

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