I was recently featured in a magazine that our local paper puts out.
(there is an error in the article - It incorrectly states I advise against "support groups" for self injuries. I advise against group therapy.)
A year ago I was in the paper and on the noon news. The residents at my work commented on seeing me in the paper, and on the news. But they didn't comment on the topic of self injury.
THIS time was different. BOY did they have questions!
I figured they wouldn't see it and gave it no thought. HA! boy was I wrong. They grilled me with all kinds of questions and most wanted to see my scars.
Which brought up an interesting observation.
my scars are faded.
I don't have any red scars. They are all ghostly white...and I am okay with that. In the past I wouldn't have been okay with that.
Healed white scars have been a trigger for me in the past. Some of my injures are reflective of trauma's that I don't want to forget, if my 'bookmark' is faded then I worry about forgetting why they're there, I've been known to re-injure to keep the scars bright red for the year it takes them to fade again.
I wonder if I'm okay with this because I'm more healed? Or is it because I've got my hands full right now with my health issues.
Being on prednisone rolls around in my head. It makes healing wounds more difficult. A burn would also artificially elevate my CK level and we need to keep tabs on that to see how bad the polymyositis is flared.
I still have SIV urges.
BOY DO I.
I came awfully close last month to going on a SIV spree when I was so suicidal. I actually gave my self permission to do it.
Yet, I never even picked up my tools.
Some days I wish the urges were as faded as my scars.
*************** TRIGGER - GRAFFIC SIV IMAGES OF SCARS below ***************
I hope that one day the mental pathways that bring to reaching for SIV as a coping method will fade too. Be so dusty that I don't slide easily into them. There are days I am miles away from self injury...and days I wanna just do it for no reason.
I will always carry those reminders of the SIV on my skin. I'm at peace with that. My scars and me? We good. We good.
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