(trigger for pathetic whining)
First off apologies for all the blog spam. I am trying to get my mind back on line and focused on writing. I desperately want to finish Skinned. Its very frustrating not to be able to. Even more frustrating to leave a character in limbo like that.
My physical health is just overwhelming everything right now. Second only to the chaos of my mental health.
I asked the FNP last week to put me back on Zoloft.
Which is a HUGE thing considering the last time I was on it things got ugly. So ugly its listed on my chart as an allergy.
Any way we are back tracking through mountains of paper work looking for the data on the episode. I on my end looked though my journal entries.
Its always devastating to me to look through my therapy books/journals. For the primary reason....all I have to do is change the dates and those entries could have been written today.
If that isn't enough to make one feel crazy I don't know what is.
My paper chart from that time lists the symptoms I asked to be seen for.
Exactly the same ones I was seen for last week. I'm still trying to get help for pain issues that date back 20 + years.
Why can't I be helped?
garrrr, I shouldn't go in those books without a chaperone. They're pretty intense. I also was in there looking for my old "owner's manual." A document I wrote in case I had to go to the ER. It was all the info the ER staff would need if I showed up on there doorstep in a suicidal state. I need if for the next blog I am working on. I can't find it. That's frustrating. I am going to have to write without it, because I can't go back in that pile of papers. Too triggering.
Just a quick jaunt through it has left me bawling.
Xanax on board, going to get a hug from hubby and then go to the store for a shit load of hostess crap to drown my sorrows in sugar.
What if I can never write again? what if who I level out to be after all the dust settles is no longer me?
Why is it ....only the pain survives each time I molt, evolve, and change?
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