"Don't hurt yourself."

Did I, as a fifty one year old grown woman, hear her correctly? Did the nurse just tell me: Don't hurt yourself.

Whhhhhhaaaa????!!

Seriously people. Don't you think I KNOW that already? Have you not gotten the hint that I am working hard to avoid that outcome by seeking medical attention in the first place???

Since being placed on prednisone my mental health has gotten a bit wonky. Plus adding in the hormonal upheaval of  my periods stopping and I'm in full blown estrogen and progesterone withdrawals. I'm a mental mess.

Things got so bad in May I made and appointment with the FNP and requested to go back on an antidepressant. Something I swore I would never do.

because to tries at medicating my head proved ugly in my twenties. First one had bad cardiac side effects. Your resting pulse isn't suppose to be 120+.

The second attempt was with Zoloft.  We learned a important thing about my body with that med trail. We learned I am VERY sensitive to medications. We started with the lowest dose and then on a check up, I reported I was tolerating it okay and it seemed to be helping.

So she upped the dose.

And a week later I tried to kill my self.

Yeah.  Being depressed and unable to medicate it has been the story of my life.

I have been wrestling with horrendous urges to end my life since November of last year. Noting really new I have been "suicidal" my whole life.

But these urges aren't to end my life....there to end my suffering.

Can you see the difference?

I don't want to die. I just want this 24/7 never ending chronic pain to FUCKING STOP.

Yup.

I'm used to dealing with urges and thoughts. I don't ignore them. I pay attention  to there intensity and if I need help I reach out to husband and vocalize what is going on. I reach out further if that doesn't help.

So in May it was GO TO THE ER bad. So I requested to try the Zoloft again. I figured it was initially working at the lower dose, and its the go to med for depression and PTSD.

The FNP I have now has gotten to see first hand my sensitivity to meds and was naturally too freaked out to put me back on something that cause a suicide attempt in my 20's.

So I got referred for a psych evaluation to have a P-doc decide what med would be best for my head.

Which isn't until August 1st.

The FNP discovered this and had the nurse call me to let me know if I need help before then to call them, and as she ended up she commented, "Don't hurt yourself."

My instant reaction was wtf?????? am I two years old?

don't eat play-doh, don't play with matches, don't play in the street, don't pick your nose...

More education is required I see. On how to be supportive of people who are healing /living with self inflicted violence. I will blog that in the upcoming days.

For now I will leave you with the question most self injures answer that statement with.

"Don't hurt yourself." 

"Why not?"

How would you respond?