Saturday, July 15, 2017

interesting observation (SIV discussion)

While blogging on how to support people who self injure this morning it dawned on me, that perhaps one contributing factor to my increased suicidal thoughts is my inability to injure right now.

as in my coping skills include all these....

tell someone (ie vocalize what is going on) [blogging don't count it has to be verbalized to another person in person]
exercise until fatigued
listen to cry tape
binge eat
retail therapy
go to ER
self injure

Even though I work my butt off to avoid self injury, it is still there, and probably will always be because of the last item on the list. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to keep my self safe and alive. (so if your reading my blog just waiting for me to off my selves, your wasting your time, I've fought like a mutherFing wild cat to stay alive 51 years, nothing is going to change that. I'm highly competitive and my depression will NOT win.)

Anyway, chief among prednisone's side effects are "slow wound healing" and "increased infections"

um, yeah, that is kinda keeping the self injury urges at bay. That and not sure how all the new doctors will take to treating a self injurer. I have found it is one thing to see my scars and hear how I am a self injure and an entirely different thing to see actual wounds on me.

When in therapy with Richard we talked about the self injury from day one. I showed him my scars I talked about methods and triggers. I thought he got it.

Months into therapy after I injured and told him during our session, he asked to see the wound. I peeled back the bandage and showed him. The look on his face clearly indicated he hadn't gotten it.
Shit got real very fast.

Don't have the energy to deal with that, got enough on my plate with the new diagnosis.

So consciously or unconsciously, SIV got crossed off the coping skill list.  Which makes the next thing on the list, slide up.

self injure

Which may account for the mental bombardment of urges going on this year.

Why don't I just keep self injury crossed of the list and work on exiling suicide as well?

Cause, I know that the self injury is crossed off only temporarily. It's easy for me to do that if I have injured in recent memory. I have gotten the burning down to years apart. My last burn was January 2016. I'm currently already on a type of injury "holiday." 


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