Supporting self injurers (triggery)

(omg guys, LOOK what my blog coughed up! so excited!!)

You can offer support to self injures as they work on healing.

It's very possible..

You also can totally sabotage and undo their hard work as well.

It's a fine line.

First you have to admit that YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO HEAL THE SELF INJURER.

(unless you are their therapist...and then you had better be sure as shit you know what your doing so you don't do more damage)

Important to keep in mind....it's SELF injury. It isn't called everybody injury, or us injury, it is self injury.

Accept that it okay not to under stand self injury. Heck even self injuries often don't understand why they do it. Sometimes is trial and error to discover what is helpful after a episode.

It normal to want to help a self injure. It's hard to see wounds without getting a gut ping of compassion and wanting. If it is someone you love, you want to rush in and hold them. Like a mother to a child who has fallen and scraped their knee. You want to hold them close and tell them it's okay.

It is also normal to want to run and not deal with it too. Like you've come across a horrific accident scene and the gore repulses you. You stand for a second witnessing then you turn away.

It is also normal to be angry. Someone hurt your friend/loved one. If someone is abusing your person you want to hurt them. If someone hurt my child you can bet the thought of punching them in face is going to cross my mind.

It's very normal to feel all of this in the same moment. People don't really know how to react to seeing fresh injuries on a self injure.

It might help  to know what may be going through their mind post injury.

After I have injured, I am dissociated to the gills. I am so far away in my head I need binoculars to see the surface.

I then get waves of disappointment and anger. Why have I done this again? Why? why? why?

I am also experiencing urges. I should have burned more, I should have made that bruise bigger, the self injury didn't work, I am still triggered and need to do more.

I am experiencing unsettling fear. OMG people are going to see my bandages and think I am crazy. People are going to see and think my husband is abusing me, uugh, people are going to SEE me.

I am feeling very visible. I am not sure how to react to others questions, when I am in a state of turmoil/emotional pain, and don't really have any answers even for my self.

Basically for me, there is not much you can do for me until I have processed through the crisis state and my feet are back on the ground. Then and only then, am I even reachable.

I will at that point usually reach out to my support system and finally be able to vocalize what is going on with me.

That is just me, I can't really speak how others process through it.

In general I think these are universal things we can do for all of us:

Keep things normal. Keep the world turning. 

Don't hide the knives, lighters, etc. (truth be told any self injure can do damage with any object...you can never pick up all the potential weapons.)

Don't be angry and belittle the injurer if you see the wounds. They have already raked themselves over the coals, they don't need a verbal dose your shit too.

(hahahahaa, okay. I may just still be a bit pissed off about the time my FNP did that to me.)

Don't change your level of physical connection you have with them. If you have always hugged them when you see them, don't change that pattern.

(I wrote this once after a SIV episode and it still hold true for me today,

"Hug me but don't hold me.

Hold me but don't touch me.")

Listen if they want to talk. You don't have to have the answers, just bare witness to there pain. That is all they want/need.

DON'T pry for details or to view the injuries.

Offer to get bandages, medical assistance if they want it.

I'm not listing "encourage them to get into therapy" here because after a recent episode of self injury isn't the time to have that conversation. Trust me. This is a conversation to have later. like after the wounds have healed.

It's okay to pretend you don't know the person is a self injure too. Time and trust will eventually open that conversation up for you if its meant to be.

It's okay to inquire, "I see your in pain, is there anything I can do?" 10 times out 10 I bet they will tell you "No." But what happens is you are seeing the person, you are acknowledging their pain, you are validating them, and no matter how they may squirm and shrug you off, your concern is wanted and needed. Your simple compassion is a band aid to their soul.

And that is the best thing you can offer.