Chains

(an old slice of cheese today for a friend. I will get back to posting in a few days, very very busy and very tired. Which is a shame because I have lots to blog about)

Being a parent of small children is relentless exhausting time in your life. The first letter is from a fellow woman on the message board I haunt. It has been redacted for privacy, but I left the spelling errors. The second letter is my reply to her.

We all question our parenting and if it is enough and forget the simple truth that being a parent is something you grow in, you don't just achieve PARENT status and stagnate, you evolve as a person and as a human as well as a parent. Which means we make mistakes and question our ability and the decisions we make. It can seem like a dark place to those who do not have children and question us with there looks and rude comments. I love that there are now places for people to go and vent and have that small relief and comfort. Even if its just to be heard.

This isn't gender biased either, Dads feel the same way, and deserve the same support and compassion as mama's do. I have seen them both get a ration of poo from other people: "YOU CHOOSE THIS BY HAVING KIDS"

Yes we did choose this, and we need support in it by everyone to help us deal with the 24/7/365/18+ years it will take to do this.

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hopelesness returns(trigger)
Posted: May 08, 2008

I dont even know how to start, I feel so bad. Ive got so many emotions running through me. I dont know how to explain how badly i need a break. It will be a very long time before i do get a break. My husband is back in school so i am doing this by myself. Cleaning, cooking, watching six kids, all by myself 24/7. There is no one out there that can help. I just need to find a way to get through this untill someone has mercy on me like i always do. 

I know everyone has heard this from me before, it is just different when you go from having a light at the end of the tunnel, back to this. Back to my old self, back to this hopeless person, that will let anyone and everyone walk all over her and i really do think i deserve it, i do. For some reason i was put on this planet as a servant, here to serve others. I have no self, i am nothingness. I cant cut anymore, there is no use for it for me anymore, i just cant do it. 

My husband has said that it hurts him when i do it, (self injures) so now that it hurts someone else besides for myself, i cant do it. So i have no outlet, no source to realese all this. I almost feel like i could cut myself and nothing would come out, i am full of nothing. My word, my feeling, my thoughts, they mean nothing, to no one. This i know is true. I do for others, and that is all that anyone cares about. I AM SO LONELY.. 

I want to find a big black hole and crawl in it and stay there the rest of my life. I feel like a zombie. Today, i have tried to have no emotions, they never get me anywhere. Right after my words leave my mouth they disappear in the air. And the way i look, I think of myself as so ugly, i always have. I am very plan jane, and chubby at that. I have got a huge stomach from having five kids. I was really good about exercising but stoped because i have found out when i do, do strenuous exercising, my limbs will go numb, not just for a while but weeks. I have some type of neurological problem, i dont even know what it is. I cant go to the doctor, no baby-sitters, no time. Anyway it does not matter. 

im sorry, nobody will probably read this, its ok. i dont expect anything. I just needed to vent. I really am not strong, i only do this because i have to, because if i didnt do it, nobody would. I am the one that had these kids, i love them to death, i wish i could be better for them, and STOP BEING SO SELFISH, and just deal. Its so hard, so hard, nobody know,,,,  

Some days i do think or maybe wish i choose a different life, i feel bad to that, but its true, i would not change it if i could go back, but i just think sometimes about it. 

will stop now 

N____
My six reasons to live. My husband ______, E____ 6, K___ 4, G____ 3, L____ 2, J___ 1. 



Replying to: hopelesness returns(trigger)
Posted: May 08, 2008

Oh honey I hear you!

Your words make me want to write a story about a woman with chains around her neck.

Heavy chains that weighed her down and curved her back till she was bent forward in a bowing position.

So low that her eyes never saw the sky.

All she saw was feet and the dirt they tracked in

Her reflection only occasionally glimped in the pools of spilt juice and water.

Yet still she refused to shurk her duty and daily she went through the motions

Somedays it was all she could do to bear the weigh of the chains.

Her tears and sweat polished the chains till they gleemed

as time pasted the jossiling of chains worn them down and made them lighter

and lighter

and lighter

till after many years all she wore were 5 delicate strands of linked silver.

Her years of hard work to carry those chains paid off.

and she thought no one noticed or cared of the sacrifice she had made to change those chains into necklaces.

But the future son in law did. And his eyes moistened with gratitude as the woman gave him the first of the chain necklaces with its 'E' charm

on and on she over time gave each of her necklaces away. Delighting in the dancing joy she saw in the eyes of the recipient.

But...dear N____ , I have no time for story telling today, my own chains are rattling and chafing. Just wanted you to know I hear you and the dark place you are. I hope my lantern will light your world for a moment and hug your soul.

peace be the journey

Paja



Replying to: hopelesness returns(trigger)
Posted: May 08, 2008

Oh thank you P, for understanding me, i feel like no one under stands me like that. I will write that story down and carry it with me forever! I am not lieing i will. It touched me and made me cry. Thank you! You have touched my soul when i needed it most. I hope you are right and my kids will carring on a legacy of my hard work. You have know idea how much you have helped me! 

Thank you sweet P!! 

n_____