Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sanka ya dead?

Yeah mon.

Holy bleeping chaotic tornado of life came ripping through my life and has left a swatch of devastation a six miles wide.

I am still trying to put the pieces back where they belong.

My thyroid labs dipped into the hypo-thyroid ranges and that = psychosis.

With in 4 days of being on the higher dose of levoxyl the edge came off that, and the return of sanity was most welcomed. It was very trying to be dealing with Seasonal Affect Disorder and thyroid psychosis all tangled up in my head.

The darkness in my brain when I am hypothyroid is ugly. So much so that I stayed away from here as not to scare the crap out of everyone.

I feel like I am slowly returning to solid footing, but I am struggling. There are no vacation days from being responsible for my kids. They need parenting and raising even when I am non-functioning.

I wanted to raise my kids equal or better then the way I was raised. I wanted to learn from the mistakes my mother made and do better.

Well, you know what? I am failing. My kids will be in therapy talking smack about me. And I will deserve it.

I am suffering from an anemia that is common among thyroid suffers. The fatigue is just wickedly cruel. There are days that its all I can do to get up. Its awful.

I didn't wait my whole life to have kids to be sit and watch them. I wanted to be active with them. They got cheated by having an old crippled up mama.

Right now what would make my heart sing is to take them to the circus this weekend.

I have been waiting patently to do this a life time. I don't know why its so important to me to take all my kids. But it is.

Maybe it will be something they will remember in therapy,  their therapist will say "well you mama couldn't have been all bad. Think of one thing she did right."

They will ponder for a moment and then say "well she did take me to the circus."

wow, I should not post this, I obviously am still in the funky head space of blarrrff land.

I hope with the increasing sunshine and the higher dose of thyroid meds that I will find my smile soon. I hate this soul consuming depression/head space.

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