Like I should have a warning label attached to me.
I feel alone and struggling with so much stuff that its all going to fall and crush me.
Afraid to open my mouth because I'm afraid that if I do I won't be able to stop screaming.
(In case you don't recognize our ghost-writer today, let me introduce you, Everyone say hello to: Winter Depression.)
I spent more time crying today then I want to admit.
and then out of the blue this pops up in my inbox.
From a fellow traveler on the journey/path we call life.
And in my darkness her lantern saves me.
And I the writer, the guru of words, the weaver of magical sentences, am struck silent. Nothing can explain the gesture or describe it.
I can only embrace it and know that I am so blessed.
My friend, I found this picture of the lantrens, which struck deep with in me, our lantrens, our light.. On a 2014 dayplanner. I picked it up 6 or 7 times, and 6 or 7 times I put it back on the shelf. What the bleep was I to do with a 2014 day planner when I JUST told Dr. J that I was thinking about death, and I escaped her office without, WITHOUT committing to a plan for safety. The worry in her eyes plagued my heart, but not enough to push away the incredible pain, physical, mental, emotional.. This is not where I belong, this world is to powerful for little broken shattering me.
ReplyDelete>> I continue to circle the store, tears constantly regrouping, dripping falling. Suddenly I am back infront of the lantrens, our lantrens. I am suddenly in the depths of more agony, what kind of a friend am I, I bet my life I haven't written or contacted Paja in over two years, maybe more maybe less. My heart drops but I have picked up the book, and a beautiful rosewood buddhist prayer beads, figured I need all the help I can get if I am going to plan into 2014.
On the bus I quickly plan my email to you, spewing all kinds of excuses, reasons and even lies to explain my absense, yet, when I get home all I can do is send you the photo. Paja, the lantrens found me.. To come back to you. Lighting my path to see you in that dark dingy forest. I am forever blessed by the light you shine for me, and tuck so much love and compassion courage and hope, filling my pockets. Time and time again, you find me in a mess of mudd gunk and goo, embarassed shamed hurt and alone in the muck. Every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, you help me up, encourage and love. Never, NEVER do you ridicule, laugh, lecture or critisize me. NEVER do you put me down for my stubbornness or selfish ways. You always light me up, walk with me and put me back on the path. Your light does great me, it keeps me warm and reminds me or what everyone should have, most are born with..some never see.. Gratitude to you my friend, the truest of true. Xoxo