I don't get it. I am stressed when I am working. I am stressed when I am not working. Where is the middle ground?
Back in July I went close to 2 weeks where it felt like the Levoxyl had failed. Like I was taking a placebo. Malaise and fatigue so severe it literally felt like I was dying/had died and was walking around in a dead corpse. The anxiety too took a swift swing up into the It's-time-for-the-rubber-room range.
I couldn't take it any more and switched back to the Synthroid on the 5th of August.
Aahhhhhh, much better. MUCH BETTER.
My mind was starting to head down that anxiety fuel path of: you will never find a job, no one will want to hire you, your going to fail, your going to come across as a freak and scare people, your too disabled physically and mentally to be a competent employee, you will fail, you will fail, etc, etc, ad nauseum.
Nobody asked you Anxiety!
I am a kick ass employee, who is creative, strong and independent, who works well with or without supervision, who can problem solve, run crisis situations, who is involved in more then just her department, who looks for work in slack time, who likes to work and has a stellar work ethic; who is funny, and kind and supportive of co-workers and can function as a supervisor if needed, and has attention to detail skills that would get me on the Olympic team every time.
So take that anxiety, you crotchety old bastard. You will not keep me down. I have it, and I know it.
"I'm so glad P quit" said no employer of me, ever.
I feel like some day's there should be a little man who pops up and raises my arm and shouts "WINNER!" for every battle I fight with the anxiety.
Right now there is a company who doesn't know it yet, but there going to put out an ad looking for a new employee, and I am going to walk in and be more then they ever expected.
"I feel like some day's there should be a little man who pops up and raises my arm and shouts "WINNER!" for every battle I fight with the anxiety."
ReplyDeleteThen there should be. You need to create it. Either in your own mind, or actually make a totem, a token, something that you carry with you that you can touch or link with that will give you a connective boost every time you achieve that success.
Part of the current transformation I am going through is looking for things like this, beyond the drugs and such, to help me get through stuff. I re-pierced my ear. I am getting some rings to add to my hands. Exploring a tattoo I always wanted. Shit like that. And more still. I might go back to playing music again, SOMETHING. But my point is that find any string that has positive energy on it and pull on that bitch. Use it as a leash to walk your monsters around the block and put them away when you can.
OK I'm done. ;)
I need to start looking for more work too soon I think. Maybe I'll be a motivational speaker?
"find any string that has positive energy on it and pull on that bitch."
DeleteOh I like that idea!
"Maybe I'll be a motivational speaker?"
and I like that idea too! I'd attend your seminars!