Friday, March 20, 2015

* * * TRIGGER * * * Self injury discussion

* * use caution - I'm writing while triggered * *

Sucked down the entire 6th season of Nurse Jackie today.

Love that show. Great acting, great characters. Wonderful setting.

but gosh does it trigger me.

I'm not a drug addict like Jackie....I'm a self injury addict.

Given to my own devices, I would never have decided to stop self injuring. I would be dead today. The injuries would have slowly gotten worse as time worn on until I fatally injured either accidently or on purpose.

Self inflicted violence is EXTREMLY addicting.

Crazily addicting.

To the point that hospitalizing me while I was breaking the habit was discussed.

I have spent more nights then I care to tell you, wrapped up in a sheet, on the shower floor being bombarded with cold water. Spent so many hours sitting at the table staring at the lighters and/or matches. Equal to the amount of time I've spent sitting in my car in the dark trying to get up the nerve to go into the ER and tell someone I wanted to inflict 3rd degree burns on 70% of my body.

Breaking the SIV addiction was a grueling mental challenge.  When I made the decision to go a year without injuring, I documented the mental journey in my therapy notebooks. At first it was eyes on the year with no injuring....I would count down the days to my goal.  114 days till one year with no injuring.

...then somewhere along the road it changed from that too.... 35 days till I can burn the hell out of my self.

The cravings/urges were bad.

So bad.

It got to the point I was solely focused on that magical 1 year date, so I could go on a massive SIV spree the next day.

I would spend hours and hours planning all the harm I could do to my self.

I made that magical one year mark.

and told no one.

not my therapists.

no one.

Kept that victory secret to my self for a few days before being brave enough to speak it aloud to my therapy team.

Then 17 days later, when the pressure was not so intense, took a lighter to my arm.

I gave into the urges/cravings.

relapsing into the sweet, comforting, warm flame.

Flesh bubbling, hissing and popping.

My mind instantly numbed with a hazy dissociative high.

Like a junkie injecting their drug into their veins, I collapsed on to the floor of my trailer, and savored each moment.

I miss it.


Currently its been 1 year and 4 months since my last burn.

Just weeks since I last episode of SIV. (due to medication reaction/complications)

I no longer have to deal with the daily, hourly urges/cravings/thoughts. When they do pop up now days I can deal with them quickly. There easy to brush off, but not so in the beginning.

I can't even imagine living in that atmosphere today. I would crumble and relapse. I was made of stronger stuff back then.

Watching Nurse Jackie triggers me and reminds me of my own struggles in the past.

How I must be diligent so I don't end up actively SIVing.

I always keep in mind that there may be a relapse that leads to me spiraling back to actively SIVing daily. I don't want to go there, ever again.

Digging my self out of that hole was exhausting. I'm not so sure if I found my self in that position today I would have the strength to do it again.

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