Sunday, September 13, 2015

Angry, tired...SI/suicide trigger

***************************** TRIGGER *****************************

You know something?

I am so afraid that someday the circumstances will magically align and I will be alone when I am hit with a rolling wave of suicidalness that will end my life.

Been under the "waves" for 2 weeks now. That is what I call it when I am faced with dealing with slow rolling waves of urges to end my life/burn the shit out of my self.

The kind that are submerged and threating to drown me at any moment.

The universe so far in my life has been kind and spared me the perfect storm. I fear that day that coping skills fail.

And I answer the long whispering questions...just how much can you burn before the pain extinguishes the pain?


Chaps my ass to know that what is causing this is my own aging body. The question is will I survive peri-menopause? and if I do will there be more hell on the other side?

cause omg if there isn't the return to peace in my head...I will end up dead a lot sooner then I planned to be.

The books say, women reach a heightened state mentally after menopause, which is why so many wise women are elders.

The books also say after nursing your breast will return to there original size.

Me and my current DD's - former B's know this to be horseshit six years post nursing.


I'm tired of being lied too.

I'm just plan tired.

tired of fighting, resisting, living like this.

and fuck....its only September.

shitballs in my cereal.


  1. Shitballs in my cereal. If nothing else, amidst the emotional purge you unleashed there I wound up with a nose full of water. That was funny.

    1. "emotional purge"...oh that sounds so much better then "adult onset temper tantrum".