pissed the hell off - TRIGGER

 * * * * TRIGGER for angry pissed off rage /rant * * * *

FUCK YOU.

Do you really think I ENJOY being this weight?

Don't you think I wouldn't SELL MY FUCKING SOUL to loose this weight?!

Every extra pound I carry increases the pain I endure with my multiple orthopedic issues.  STANDING, SITTING, WALKING, LAYING, FUCKING BREATHING HURTS. I AM IN CHRONIC FUCKING PAIN.

ANYTHING I DO INCREASES THIS PAIN.

ANYTHING

There are days the fatigue is so great it feels like I am TRYING TO FUNCTION IN A DEAD CORPSE.

I am faced every shift at work with the fear/knowledge that I may squat down and not be able to stand again. I should not be doing the physically demanding job that I do. But I DO IT. I do it through the pain.

Oh and hell yes its a lot of pain.

Peripheral neuropathy in both arms, both legs.

Bone on bone arthritis in my neck.

Herniated disks L4 and L5 and S1.

Fused pubic symphysis

myofascial pain syndrome

surgical adhesions/scar tissue in pelvis

chronic misaligned sacrum

ligament damage to left foot arch

Plantar fasciitis in both feet

Damaged sternal cartridge

Recent labs work indicating muscle damage

degenerative changes to right knee joint

I have to FUCKING beg for pain meds, and the doctors all make me feel like a piece of SHIT for having the gall to ask for pain meds. So its rare I bother to ask for them.

I have been declared permanently partial disabled. I should be living off the tax payers and being a welfare bum.

BUT NO I AM WORKING MY GODDAMN ASS OFF. And using aspirin for the pain.

So when you say... "the tread mill should be easy for you"

I get my knickers in a twist.

FUCKING GETTING OUT OF BED IS A CHORE. SQUATING DOWN AND STANDING BACK UP IS VERY DIFFICULT. My legs go completely numb after I have been standing 5-10 minutes. I CAN'T FEEL THEM, I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHEN MOVING TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE COMING WITH ME.

There is NOTHING EASY ABOUT EXCERCISING FOR ME.

and gawd that just guts me....

I ran cross country, I climbed trees, I swam, I rode horses, I roller skated, played basketball, turned cartwheels....I was an active athlete.

All lost to my injuries and declining health.

a 10 hour shift on my feet is ALL I can handle...that is 10 HOURS OF INCREASED PAIN.

"the tread mill should be easy for you"

fuck no.

there is nothing easy about being me.