I'm afraid the S.A.D has me in it's evil clutches - TRIGGER

Well it took till now for the winter depression to find me. I'm afraid it's got me hooked deeply with it's icy claws.

Shit.

I've been fighting vicious urges to kill my self.

Pain levels off the charts.

Last month we ran lab work at my request to rule out/in stuff like Lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis.

They were all fine.

The one that was not was my CK levels. Normal range is 26-192

I am 261.

261.

That test indicates muscle damage.

At last a possible direction to do searching for a diagnosis.  What's down that road is some REALLY SCARY SHIT.

Stuff that WILL make me take my own life.

We re-ran the CK level last Wednesday. To see if came down. If its still high I go to see a specialist.

One of the reasons I did the RAI (radiation to kill my thyroid) was because I was have having heart palpitations 24/7 from the Graves disease.

for years....for years I was having them. My heart may have been damaged from untreated Graves disease...

Just a little pissed. I want to be the one who ends my existence, not some fucking disease.

I want that control.

Was rear ended by a speeding car while stopped at a light on the 5th this month. Another car accident to deal with. Yet another thing out of my control. It all makes me feel like I am in a tumbler...spinning endlessly.

So right now until we get lab results and I know weather or not I have to go see a specialist, I am having to deal with CRAZY FUCKING URGES TO BURN THE SHIT OUTTA MY SELVES.

Its that way with me and self injury. The minute you tell me I can't, I want to. sooooo baaaaad.

I won't let me and so I am dealing with this chaos-a-go-round in my head.

I have had a headache for a week. My body is fatigued, pain levels off the charts, hot flashes, suicidal levels of depression....and I can't self medicate by lighting my arm on fire and getting lost in the sweet soothing pain of a nice fat burn.

4 more days to work until my vacation. I get 10 days off.

10 days to hide and cry.

10 days to be alone with my head...

10 days to resist the call of the night.....oh to wake to no pain....

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.

You who do not suffer from depression...you lucky pricks. you have no idea how blessed you are.