Thursday when the man interviewing me probed me for details on what triggered me, I initially froze. I couldn't find my voice due to instantly dissociating out. I struggled to try to become unmute.
It really shows just how little about SIV he understood. Which is why I do what I do. I will educate the world one person at a time if I have too.
It also clearly shows just how easily you can trigger me.
I am not mad at him. He was just being a good reporter. People don't really understand PTSD and triggers. And equally just how fragile abuse survivor's psyches can be.
The human nature of curiosity of course makes you want to know all the details.
Like what could be so awful that it would cause a human to do this to themselves.
Some pretty awful shit, man.
I am keeping a close eye on my selves post last weeks media frenzy. I can be triggered easily just talking about SIV. Its like reminiscing about an old friend. Makes me miss them. Make me want to call them up and hang out with them.
Healed? yes. Still living with SIV? Oh yes.
Last burn was Jan or Feb of this year.
The number of triggers I have been pummeled with this year are staggering.
The fact I am getting triggered is a red flag going up. Need to do a full head check and see why.
Part I know, and can't do anything about, and its that helplessness that fuels the urge to SIV. I want to restore that control I don't have. I can do that with SIV.
Part is a temporary issue that just need the elbow grease to smooth it out. Just need to hang onto the side of the boat as it pitches and not get tossed over board during this storm.
One thing that happened in all this recent stuff is this....after years of struggling to find a name for my "healing journey manuscript" I stumbled upon it while writing a face book post.
Now that I FINALLY have that, I can assemble it.
Richard's Lantern
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