"That's not too bad." SI discussion

My daughter graciously  lets me be a member on her chat server. I am not about to allow my 10 year old free range on the internet. The members know I am her mother and "an old person."

They feel free to tag me if I need to be aware of stuff.

One such day I was summoned to the board.

I usually just read along and don't comment unless need/asked.  Partly because I am old and slow and can't type that fast anymore.

This night one teen member was upset and had been drinking.

She was bragging about how much she had been drinking and then posted a graphic picture of her arm that had a two inch scratch on it.

She: "I ended up scratching myself."

other poster: "That's not too bad."

I cringed. Ugh, dude. that is the worst thing you can say to a self injurer. They are hurting and showing you the proof. They are exposing there soul! They are looking for validation and help all in one bloody scream...and you're blow them off by saying,  "That's not too bad." Your words are devastating, hurtful and cruel.

Then I realized.

The other poster had no idea it was self inflicted.

People don't go around assuming others self injure. People don't recognize self inflicted injuries.

But it goes back even deeper then that.

We as a people have never been taught how to correctly respond to others pain.

Think about it. When a toddler falls the first thing the mother does is pick them up and tells them "You're okay. You're okay."

Mother applies bandage to scrapped knee, kisses it, "all better now."

Father to son after a bike riding lesson ends with a crash, "shake it off son."

We grow up being taught pain is ours, but it can be turned off by others at their will. Even more basically, if your wounded and in pain, get up and keep with the pack or the predators will pick you off.

One of the first times Richard knocked off my chair in therapy was when he looked at my scabbed arm and said with quiet compassion, "That looks like a lot of pain."

I use that now. Cause holy crap if a person is to a point that they are reaching for self injury as a coping skill, they are indeed in "a lot of pain."

It doesn't matter if they are covering in 3rd degree burns or have a paper cut. The act of self injury is what your should be responding too, not the wound.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Person one show up at the ER  with 100 razor blade slices running up their arm. Person two shows up with a black eye and a bruise on their forehead. You can guess who is going to get more intensive treatment and make it pass the triage stage first?

I sought treatment for my burns when they were still little. Like the size of a pencil eraser. Got blown off by the medical staff. They kept increasing in size until I found the magical size that got the attention of the staff. I might not have such large burn scars now if my tiny ones had been taken seriously from the get go.

There is no easy answer to this dilemma. You can't assume an injury is self inflicted....and in certain cases you can't assume its not.

When people ask about my large burn scar on my arm, I can say honestly. "I burned it."

They usually follow up with, "How?"

This shows their minds are not even going the self injury route.

I answer back, "I. burned. it."

Reaching back to the conversation with the self injurer on the chat channel.  Before I could even get my brain into response mode, the conversation direction shifted. The girl shut down and closed off.

As most self injures do when there pain is ignored/not seen.

I believe in this day and age of online chats groups, that starting in middle school, the kids should be given the knowledge on how to do age appropriate online support. So when faced with something like this they can have some skills to fall back on.

After a summer of reading their chats, I can tell you kids are reaching out and trying to get help from their peers. I have seen they trying to support each other though anxiety attacks, depression, drinking, suicidal thoughts, etc, ect. The want and need to support each other is there.