Thursday, June 28, 2012

impending doom

I really, really need all this car accident stuff to go away.

I want a roll back and the server reset to May 11th.

I want a do over.

I want my life back.

I want the anxiety back under control and it to stop eating me alive.

I want to feel better.

I want the serenity back in my mind. I do not function well when there is more chaos in my life then in my head.

I really want to be done making calls, going places, seeing people.

I have been a horrible mother, cause I can't be present for my kids. I have to spend so much time keeping myself safe right now that I'm physically present but not mentally.

I need to focus on Hansolo's speech therapy stuff and read the IFSP and make sure its okay. But my brain can't focus.

I want to be able to drive to and from work without bawling my eyes out both ways.

I want to spend time with my husband, feels like I haven't seen him in ages.

I want to runaway and hide somewhere and cry till the pressure in my head cracks it open.

I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

I want everyone to really see me, really see that I am not doing well at all here. (or anywhere for that matter)

I want to know that my arm is going to get better. Feels like we took a step back in physical therapy yesterday.

I want to have this sense of impending doom to go away.

I want to wake to no pain.

(Todays episode of "Anxiety Street" has been brought you by the letters P. T.S.D and the number 7734)


  1. You getting any help, shrink wise? Meds? Hope so. Hope you feel better soon and get some of it cooked out.

    1. No shrinks, but I do have as needed Ativan to take the edge off when I'm going under.

      Its just the insane car insurance madness stuff that is fueling my anxiety right now. They totaled the truck sent me payment and the salvage title last week, and today I receive three letters from them.
      1. we paid you 3500 and you keep the truck
      (OH NO YOUR NOT)
      3. We don't know what the hell we are doing.

      This why I want things wrapped up so I can tell there freaky insane insurance peeps to get the bleep outta my life.

      I took ativan and the kids and ran away to the family fun center and as they played endless miniature golf an soaked each other silly on the bumper boats, I sat on the bench and just breathed and let the wind blow through my hair. Having a few hours of being away from the house/phone/life was relaxing.

      Tomorrow its an elbow check up with the doctor and then I get my new camera....(oh yeah! if your gunna smash up my truck I am going to pay bills with the bulk of it, and buy me a camera for the pain and suffering.)

      My mission now is to get a picture of our sprinter spiders and blog about them. My have to resort to illustrating it though, them sunsofbees can do the Kessell Run in less than twelve parsecs.