Saturday, June 2, 2012


I waited 35 years to have JUR. He was the child my body and soul cried for most of my life. He was so wanted. So INCREDIBLY wanted. The baby I thought I would never have. He was with me 24/7 except those 4 days in the NICU when the hospital tried to kill him. When I got him back I couldn't breath unless I knew where he was and what he was doing. He came with me to work full time. Logging 29400+ commuter miles before he turned 1 1/2 and was weaned.

He was a champ on the drives, no trouble at work, he was a good golden haired child who made my heart sing. I loved watching Coremind learn to be a father to our son. I was living the never life I had always dreamed of and thought I would never get. Life was perfect. I wanted to live in that moment forever.

When JUR was 1 1/2 an interesting thing happened.

He was pushing his truck on the front side walk and the older neighborhood boys (5, 7, 8 and 10) met up on the side walk near him with their bikes. He edged closer to them as if he was gleaning "boy" lessons from them. I watched with a happy smile on my face, loving that he wanted to be with other kids.

Deciding that he might be ready for a walk around the block and a visit to the flat store I ducked in side and walked to get some change off the microwave to buy snacks.

Straight back outside I went. Less than 10 seconds was all it took.

When I stepped back outside. All the boys were gone. ALL the boys, including mine.

My reaction?


Oh thank God he is gone? whaaa? where the hell did that come from? For a moment I wanted to go back inside and shut the door. To just runaway and just rewind time to before he was born. Never realized the enormous pressure of 24/7 parenting until that fully realize just how hard it is to be responsible for another's life/well being was.

Eons before that day when me and the farm kids had gone to see Jumanji, one of them disappeared from my sight. Unable to find him I was on the phone to 911 in less than a min. (embarrassed the farm kids something fierce, but  I took there safety that seriously. Their dad had been threatening to kidnap them and we had,  just the week before, found a torch that had been tossed on the deck that thankfully had burned only a small portion of the carpet before going out.)

My own son disappears and my reaction is: OH THANK GOD HE'S GONE?

Quick run to the neighbors to see if the boys had gone inside, nope. Then I ran down the block figuring they were heading to the flat store. Rounded the corner to see them bringing JUR back. They were surprised how fast he was and that he could keep up with them on foot.

We walked around the block as I contemplated my reaction.  Wondering if I should even be a mother if that is going to be my first reaction. Fully realizing again that, there is no turning back from this. I was a parent and I would be responsible for this life I created forever.

Women are designed to want to be mothers...not parents...mothers, to insure the survival of the species. I finished my walk realizing I had to grow and change and evolve. I had to find it in me to grow more as a human. I needed to grow into being a parent.

Thank God he came back and gave me another chance.

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