On the farm there was one day that changed my whole life....and way of thinking. This is that day.
When I say I have been suicidal my whole life...I really do mean my WHOLE life. My first suicide attempt I was 3 or 4 years old. I honestly can't even count the times I attempted between ages 5 - 14.
I never wanted to learn to drive for the simple fact...it put in my hands yet another way to off my self.
My wills and suicide notes I wrote would fill 5 - 7 books.
The only reason I went into therapy was because KSS was born.
The only reason I didn't kill my selfs on my 23rd birthday is because of mama cat.
Journey with me a bit back into the past and lets peak into my diary...
October 18 1989
Session was rough. Richard and I clashed horribly. By the pm I decided I
hated him and was going to call him and tell him I quit therapy and then
holler a few obscenities at him. Here is what I wrote:
1. to ensure our friendship.
2. I use you in some of my mental games.
3. I have progressed as far as I’m capable of going at this time.
4. as far as me and my mind go We could never be one. No way to repair the damage. I am
unreachable, just unreachable.
[ what happened at therapy was I was in a giddy mood and Richard asked if I
had a set plan on my B-day to kill my self.
I laughed and said “I can’t tell you that, you may try to stop me” all the
while wanting him to pry it out of me so he could rescue me. I needed him to
He looked me in the eye and said, “if you choose to kill yourself I ‘m not
going to chase after you and stop you.”]
October 19, 1989
in the am
I was going to call you and tell you , you were acting like a two year old,
but then so would I have been. My first impulse was to run (leave therapy)
second impulse was to hack my self up like “see I’m crazy”.
I HATE TO HEAR THE TRUTH. I started thinking who was talking me or the past me? It
was old me. Threatened that I may be able to heal.
in the pm
I rebelled against Richard because he was taking some of the illusion away
from my mental games. THE TRUTH HURTS! I heard what he meant even if he was
unaware of the points he was making. It was something I needed to hear. HE
WON’T CHASE AFTER ME IF I WANTED TO KILL MY SELFS.
I needed to hear that. It blows several of my mental games away.
October 23, 1989
I still want to be angry with Richard and fight with him. I want to give my
self a black eye just to see how the hypnotherapist will deal with it. Those
are mental games. I still don’t care whether or not I harm my self, it is
now scaring me that I don’t care. I’m afraid I will piss off Richard and he
won’t work with me anymore. But on the other hand I want to give my self two
black eyes. I really feel lost. I’m back to wanting to harm my self solely
for the pleasure of doing it and shocking other people.
A healing journey - Part 6 - Mama cat - trigger (and better get a couple of
Let me set up the story... 1989 I was going to kill my selves on my 23 rd
birthday. I was dead set on offing my selves
on 11-14-1989. In October me and my roommate were visiting her daughter in
the drug district of our little town and as we were leaving we saw a
scraggly little cat, meowing for food. I knew my friend would take this cat
home and feed it. She had like 18 cats at the time. She was strapped for $$
and was having trouble feeding her children. I was in a really pissy mood
and told her, “leave her alone, she belongs to someone.”
She reached down and felt her bony back and looked at me.
I said, "let some one else save her, you’ve saved enough cats."
We left her there. I walked away from her with a cold black heart. I had
long ago turned my heart cold to the human race, this was a new low for me
to be so callous to an animal.
Two days later in a drenching rain storm we went back to see her daughter.
That cat was still there. I stood in the rain and she came to me and tried
to meow, but her voice was gone. I reached down and picked her up and I
could feel bare nipples, there were kittens somewhere. We started looking
and found six of the saddest kitties I have ever seen. We drove straight to
the vets but it was too late to save two of them.
Vet said two of the surviving kittens weren't from this mama cat, they were one to two weeks older. This little mama cat was trying to save no only her babies but someone elses too. We pooled out $$ and paid the bill and took the lot of them homes with us.
Mama cat grew fat and her babies grew strong, she was
such a nurturing mother it melted my cold heart. I wanted to be one of her
kittens. Mama used to steal bread from the kitchen and hide it in her
basket...starvation had made her have a need to store up food. We could
never convince her that there would always be food for her.
In October I had a rough session with Richard my therapist. I was talking
about how excited I was that It was almost time to kill my selves and he
asked..."where are you going to kill you self?”
I said “I can’t tell you that”
He looked at me with a sad look and quietly said in a caring tone, " P,
I won't chase after you if you want to kill yourself.”
My parts went NUTS. I was so enraged that he wouldn't save me. He was
making me take responsibility for my selves and BOY did it piss me off.
I stewed for several days about this and wanted to run from therapy/kill my
selfs right then/holler at Richard and start a fight with him.
I was going to go to my next session and let him have it, but on Sunday night I was
walking through the house and mama was laying in the dining room washing one
of her babies, I came back a few minutes later and she looked to be asleep
cradling the sleeping kitten in her arms. She had a peaceful smile on her
face. I stopped to soak up the glow she was emitting, and saw that she
wasn't breathing. It all just hit me....spun me around. What I had just seen
reached me in a way that EVERYONE else on the planet had failed to do. I
guess the guardians who make the world go around, new that I wasn't human,
and in order for me to be reached they need to reach me with an animal.
I wrote the following in my journal:
October 24, 1989, 3:45 AM
Mama cat died Sunday night. I felt sad. I truly believe she died of pure
happiness. How can I be so blind? To not see that I was in heaven all this
time? Blind to the people who love and care about me? The S______, the
Acres, the animals. I give to them, they give to me. We exist we struggle,
we cry, we laugh and we love, nature and the animals and the children. I’m
not alone. Life is to be lived with them and not alone. Simple pleasures
first, petting cats, laughing with the dogs, riding the horses, brushing the
pig, building things with my bare hands and skill, painstakingly painting
murals. I give there at home. I can give else where. Big sister program. I
can let them support me when I need a little help and understanding just as
I support and help them when they need it. I’m going to live. Life is to be
lived. I want to see KSS grow up. I want to be able to help her grow. I want
to be a teacher and jump start young minds into racing speed and feel their
love of learning. I want to stop harming my skin, I want to heal and love
myself. I’m worthy of being loved. It’s time for the hurt to stop and the
smiles to begin. To quote Yoko Ono, “I see rainbows.”, and I’m going to
chase them. It’s not going to be easy but I’m going to try. No, I’m not
trying I’m doing! I’m going to refuse to be shackled to ancient pain. I
don’t want to be there in the past. I’ll accept what happened, I’ll work on
understanding how it affects me, but I don’t let it run my life.
This is what I want to say to Richard when I see him Wednesday.
Thank you for last Wednesday. Whether you’re aware of it or not I heard what
you were saying. With a few short sentences you ruined some of my favorite
mental games to play. I found myself angry all day Wednesday and Thurs. and
Friday. and Sat. I was angry at you. I tried to call you wed. night so I could
holler the hate I felt at you. I’m glad you weren't home. Thinking back on
my actions, I was so angry because I didn't want to hear the truth and you
had told it to me. Something clicked last wed. and I finally heard what ever
it was I needed to hear. Perhaps it was the care in your voice as you told
me you wouldn't chase after me if I choose to kill myself. Why does the
saying, “if you love something set it free” come to mind? I’m responsible
for all my own actions. I’m going to work hard at re-channeling the
negative/wasted energy to a good use. I know it’s not going to be easy, but
I've overcome obstacles before. To quote John Lennon, “I’m stepping out”.
I’m shedding old roles and creating a new P. one with feelings, one with
smiles for other people, one with a wanting to live. I’ll take with me what
I need from the old P and work on filling the gaps with the new things
I've learned and things I've yet to discover. Quote Paul McCartney “We must
learn to play the pipes of peace”. I’ll learn to be at peace with my body.
it and I have a lot to live for and we’re going to do it, to quote Ringo
Starr “with a little help from my friends”.
I've got a great support system. Of people who do care about me, people I
can laugh with, cry with and live life with.
It saddens me that mama cat had to die for me to finally see. I MADE A
DIFFERENCE IN HER LIFE! I showed the whole world isn't crazy, mean, vicious,
ugly and so forth. And she overcame her horrible life and was content, happy
and able to pass the happiness on to others. We filled her self esteem cup
with love, nurturing and trust and it spilled over so others could benefit
from it. She died of happiness. When I’m old and grey and rocking in a
rocking chair on my porch, day dreaming of my great grandchildren and how
well they’re doing in school and how things are so different in the year
2050 then they were back in 1989 I wanna die just like mama cat, of
October 26, 1989
Yesterday was a great day.
I read Richard the bit I wrote about mama cat and my decision not to commit
suicide. I just started and read it rather fast. I didn't look up until I was done.
Richard was crying.
I felt like I had dropped this rusty chain I had been carrying around with
me. I feel free-er.
That was a long time ago, it wasn't an easy road to walk (healing). I fought
very hard to save my life. I’m very glad I did, very glad.